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Estranged daughter

(20 Posts)
MatildasAunt Tue 23-Nov-21 09:31:15

my mum and younger brother are quite similar.
Both having an addiction in younger years, both of them being difficult to be with.
I have always been a supportive loving daughter, everytime anyone needed help and support, I was there.
Well, it is no longer like that.
My mother’s nickname is Caterpillar, for a reason.
Everything started when my dad died.
After that, my mother kept on being more difficult to handle.
It was not the pain for her loss, just my dad kicked her ass to be at least decent. Gone my dad, things had changed. She said no to everything, does not care about anything about others, just cares when she needs something. I have tried to talk to her many times, heart on my sleeve and what I got is her stating that I humiliated her.
She hid behind her difficult childhood for everything but, hey, my mother in law had a difficult childhood as well, but in spite of this and very bad health she has been very loving to me and I still miss her dearly.
I have always knew that my younger brother was the apple of her eye, and I have accepted that as a fact.
Last year she suffered a stroke. I was at the hospital almost everyday, bringing her all the stuff she needed and all. Took time of my job to talk to doctors etc. It’s not that I am a saint, but when someone is in hospital, they do need a number of things.
My younger brother showed up to hospital only a few days before she came home because ‘he was not interested in visiting her’. Note that he lives with her, he has a part time job and she pays for all the expenses he may have. I have lent him money myself, which he has never returned.
Well, she began insisting that I should be a second mother to my brother, that her, being a mother, knows better. I am a childfree and it was not the first time she was quite rude to me about my life choice.
I refused, because I feel it is not right and I do not want to be nothing but a sister.
She kept on insisting that I did what she wants. I am in my fifties and I do not react well when I am imposed to do something. She says that my elder brother has found love and got married, I am married too (my husband is a dear!) and I should be a second mother to my younger brother because he is alone.
Truth to be said, he was a kind of womanizer when he was younger, I know for sure that he had broken a few hearts, but it was his choice and I'd pity any woman who has the bad look to cross path with him.

Suddenly, I have just felt that all my care, my love had drained away from me, all the bad things I forgave from the past had showed up again (i.e. no money for my uni, but they found it to pay for his addiction).
I am sorry, but I cannot hide that fact that I do not want to have relashionships with her anymore.
She told me she felt was the right thing to do. And what about my husband? Shed did not think about how he might feel about this silly pretense. Whenever my brother is around, things are very tense, he had a very difficult relationship with my dad and I can say he blamed him for his unhappiness.
I have found out I am better without her, I have even stopped craving sweets (always been a sweet tooth).
Apologies for any mistaked, English not my first language.

DiamondLily Tue 23-Nov-21 09:57:44

Don’t have a relationship with her, if you don’t want one. You have the choice to walk away, and stay away.

Let her and your brother get on with it, and live a happy life with your husband.

It’s not worth your health and well-being suffering for someone that doesn’t seem to care much for you.

CafeAuLait Tue 23-Nov-21 10:05:18

It sounds like you've reached the point where you've just had enough. From what you've described, no-one could blame you from taking a very big step back. You need to be able to live your own life, not the one your mother prescribes for you. She should have worked that out long ago. If you haven't already, have you told her that if she doesn't stop telling how to live your life, you will be taking more time away from her? I suppose you could try laying it out there, if you haven't already, and seeing if she takes note knowing that you've had enough. She sounds exhausting.

Smileless2012 Tue 23-Nov-21 10:09:23

As DiamondLily has said "you have the choice to walk away, and stay away" and as long as that is what you want to do for your own well being, then do so.

I would suggest that you write to her with your decision and your reasons for making it and then move on with your lifeflowers.

Shropshirelass Tue 23-Nov-21 10:09:38

Step away from her and your brother. You are being used by them, they are not valuing your relationship with them. You have a lovely husband so continue with your life away from trouble and stress. Life is too short. Good luck.

sodapop Tue 23-Nov-21 12:34:15

Absolutely agree Shropshirelass your brother doesn't need another mother Matilda'saunt enjoy your life with your husband and leave them to their dysfunctional life. Your English was very good by the way.

Hithere Tue 23-Nov-21 13:16:05

Dutiful daughter = doormat = people pleaser = good for them, very bad for you

The fact that your adult brother needs a mother - somebody who houses him, gives him money, etc?
It is very laughable and sad for your brother, who will have a shock when your mother is no longer here

I am so glad you reached your limit and are done with her.
How about your brother? He wont leave you alone and will be your mother's spoken person
What are you going to do about him?

Hithere Tue 23-Nov-21 13:18:04

No need to tell her why you no longer want a relationship with her.
It will be used against you and she will not understand your reasons anyway
She knows very well what is wrong

Summerlove Tue 23-Nov-21 13:25:13


No need to tell her why you no longer want a relationship with her.
It will be used against you and she will not understand your reasons anyway
She knows very well what is wrong

I would likely tell her, but not in a letter that would then be twisted and shown to the “world”.

It’s possible that no matter how you say it matildasaunt, it won’t be heard or will be twisted. But at least if you tell her, you’ll know you’ve done all you can

VioletSky Tue 23-Nov-21 13:40:56

As heartbreaking as it is when you finally realise that a mother doesn't love you the way they should, it can also be very freeing.

I think sometimes abusive behaviour runs in families because one or more children realise the best way to be loved by an abusive parent is to act like them and encourage/enjoy the bad behaviour.

Being the scapegoat quite often makes us the lucky ones because we are far less likely to turn out like them.

There is nothing wrong with walking away, whether you want to explain is up to you. I am guessing you have already pointed out things that make you upset or angry as most of us do.

Whatever you decide, you deserve to be happy

Bibbity Tue 23-Nov-21 13:47:07

I hope that going forward you continue to find peace and happiness.

From what I have seen a lot of estrangement happens like this. No argument, drama or big blow out. Simply done.

I also wouldn't write a letter. That can NDV will be used against you in a court of judgment. I also would just block her and look forward.
Her emotions, feelings and reaction to what you have decided to do for you are no longer your concern. She had the chance to be better. Let her and your brother work out what to do going forward.

Smileless2012 Tue 23-Nov-21 14:00:35

If the decision is made to send a letter to your mum or let her know your decision by other means or not MatildasAunt you should do what ever feels right for you.

For some, that final say brings the closure they're looking for. She would have no need to try and communicate with you to find out why, as you'll have already told her.

What you'll need is a clean break so you can move forward. I wish you well for your future.

wildswan16 Tue 23-Nov-21 14:44:13

You will actually be doing your brother a favour if you refuse to get involved in the details of his life. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.

If you can still keep contact with your mother, without letting her upset you, then do so. But if you know that you will be dragged into her dramas then it is really best that you keep away. You have done your best for a long time - perhaps now you deserve some peace. Don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty, or a bad daughter/sister. You aren't.

Allsorts Wed 24-Nov-21 12:51:08

Matilda, I think you have done your best, should tell your mom you are going low contact with her as you cannot be dictated to by her as to how you run your life. She is not showing any motherly care, it’s all about her. Definitely wouldn’t be looking after your feckless brother. I don’t believe it’s right to sever contact from your mother without telling her, regardless of how many hearts to hearts you have had. Keep that door open a little, let it be on your terms now. You could have a few months break and just ring to see how she is, if she berates you, as nicely as you can say you will call her back another time as you’ve said all you need to on the subject. It’s up to her. To sever contact completely, you wouldn’t know if she was ill or dying, that would affect you later on because you sound a very kind caring person and at the end of the day, she is your mom and what she does for her is completely normal as she is selfish.

MatildasAunt Wed 24-Nov-21 16:48:35

Hello All,
thank you so much for your replies and your support.
I am now replying to your inputs:

Diamondlily: Of course I am sorry because I'd like to have a loving relationship. As I can't have one, well, I will try not to get hurt any longer... so I am staying away.

CafeAuLait: told her several times. My husband did the same before I decided to cut ties: 'You do not realize you are losing your daughter'? There! Plenty of warnings. As she is the mother, she is always right, at least in her opinion.

Smileless2012. No, I will not write. She has a way with words and the meaning would be twisted. Your advice is quite a reasonable one, but I am talking about an unreasonable woman. I do not need any kind of closure. Not now, at least.

Shropshirelass and Sodapop: agree!

Hithere: Yes, that's right. I do not want to be a doormat and most of the times being kind and caring results in people disrespecting you and your boundaries.
I do not think my brother will ask me anything. He's a clever man and he do not want to mess with people who do not want to help. His typical reply to any issue/problem is: 'I do not give a f$£ç'. It's true, he has never called or asked me anything since I have cut ties. I hope being alone to clear his own messes will do him some good.
My dad had died in 2018, I had talked too much to someone who does not listen.

VioletSky: You are right. As I said, I do not expect anything from her/them, so I won't be hurt and disappointed. I do not regret anything of what I did for them, it was made out of love, but it's time to find some peace.

Bibbity: to me it was like a switch, something like turning off a light. No drama, what for? I was simply... done.

wildswan16: I honestly did what I could and I meant well. I know I am not perfect but who is? But I am at peace. I am aware she has not understood anything. She told my elder brother she was hurt by my indifference.

Allsort: I do not agree when you say: at the end of the day, she is your mother. At the end of the day, I am her daughter, but this did not mean much to her. Actually I have told her that I was mad with her and things aren't changing in the near future. I think that I have made my point very clear, my husband was there when I called her and he was quite horrified to hear what she had said. I have made many efforts to maintain a good relationships with her, but after years, I just got fed up and patience has run thin.

Thanks again for your advices, I am grateful.

Smileless2012 Wed 24-Nov-21 22:13:19

Thanks for coming back on MatildasAunt. Now you have made your decision I hope you will find peace and enjoy a lovely Christmasflowers.

Madgran77 Thu 25-Nov-21 09:11:45

MatildasAunt good that you have made a decision that is right for you. ⚘

VioletSky Thu 25-Nov-21 14:42:13

Sometime it's like a switch goes off, it can be a small thing or a large thing but it is just that. Enough.

There can be masses of arguments that don't cause estrangement. I think sometimes the big things are just too emotionally charged to make decisions about the future of the relationship. Too much anger and upset that you want heard to think about whether it is time to give up.

Then that one more little thing where you just sit and think, this has to stop. It's not going to unless I stop it.

3nanny6 Thu 25-Nov-21 14:50:03

MatildasAunt ; You have done what you feel is right, wishing you a Happy life with your husband now it is time for just the two of you.

Allsorts Sat 27-Nov-21 20:24:42

Matilda, you are right of course, you must do what is best for you, she has kept you down big time.