Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Has anyone got to a certain age and looked back and realised how messed up some parts of their childhood were? I think the distance of Covid isolation has put some things into perspective. I don't think my mother was unloving. Emotionally unavailable and dismissive of feelings yes, but she loved us. I think she's co-dependent. Some of the things she pleads: she never had much power or gaslights or writes things off as being in the past. She was an enabler. These things are starting to irritate me more when I hear them. I'm also cross at myself for not standing up to her more when she inserted herself where it was inappropriate when I was a young adult. Things like crashing my birth, not knowing where her home ended and mine began.

Nonni63

Sometimes you have to look at past behaviours to understand how to move forward. These things can run through generations until someone says 'no more's which is where I am at at the moment

I am so glad for you and completely agree.

No more.

I agree nonni. As in my mothers case, she learned from her mother. It is a cycle. All it takes is one generation to say no more to change it.

Good for you Nonni .

Sometimes you have to look at past behaviours to understand how to move forward. These things can run through generations until someone says 'no more's which is where I am at at the moment

I’m so sorry for your loss imaround

So sorry to hear that imaround—so hard to experience that loss on top of all the other losses and griefs in our lives. Take good care of yourself.

My sincere condolences imaround.

So sorry Iamaround you are truly amazing handling all this with abusive family trying to bring you down

I am checking in. My father passed last night. It has been a difficult few days.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201805/10-things-expect-when-trying-separate-toxic-mother?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

imaround we know you did a good thing.

I just thought I was finally standing up for myself when I didn't need to and I only did that because I wasn't right in myself.

It just highlights that whatever we do makes no difference really. They will never see us for who we are and we won't ever be good enough to them.

That's a lie though, we are good enough and the people who love and appreciate us know that

I understand the hurt. I wish I had stayed estranged to be honest. I have definitely learned a lesson. I spent 12 weeks of my life cleaning up her mess again and she is sitting at home posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about how horrible family is for abandoning her in her time of need.

Validating hugs to you.

I've been working my way through the books. It's slow going and things that come up need thinking about and afterwards I need a while to not think about it and focus on something else.

Today I was thinking about how I broke years of NC to answer emails from my mum and my brother while I was ill and my hormones were crazy and my metabolism running out of control.

At the time I thought I was strong and angry and powerful and I was going to show them that they couldn't hurt me and they had no control over me. I really thought I had acheived that.

But what was really underneath that was hurt. Because I sat and read them again and it was screaming out at me.

I'm not sure if they would have seen how much pain I was in. If they did there wasn't any evidence of it in their replies. There wasn't any sign of empathy or understanding.

In one of the replies I was told I was finally showing my true colours. I wasn't, I don't think you can estrange after half a lifetime and finally show your true colours a few years later.

It was an interesting statement though. A little glimpse into the person they needed me to be to feel better about themselves.

I imagine an attuned, attached mother would have been shocked by a daughter, replying with anger instead of hurt, out of character and thought "something is wrong here". Which is a daft imagine because we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if that were the case.

Anyway I don't actually know if this means anything really except to show that my mother has never really actually known me at all.

The best way to stand up for myself was to estrange. That's all that needed to be said and done... And that still stands.

Chewbacca, I am un the US so our Mothers day is in May.

Happy Mother's Day to you too imaround wherever you are in the world!

Happy Mothers Day to everyone in the UK!

Happy Mother's Day!

mommyish.com/estranged-adult-children-mothers-day/

@violetsky: yes! Exactly!

I see what you mean...

Some things matter too much to let others who don't agree use your history or your vulnerabilities against you.

That's a reflection on them not us

@violetsky,

I think if you can be yourself, it’s always better to be yourself! But if you can’t be yourself be someone brave and assertive who protects that self and others like them.

Sometimes we think that being assertive is aggressive because that has been our experience, because people around us act like stating a simple preference is an act of war. Other people get to say “no I won’t go ‘round to the shops because it’s raining” and it was accepted without comment. When we said it it was tested as a dereliction of duty.

Like any trauma response we get in trouble when we take our fight or flight reactions out of the original setting and apply it indiscrimately to a new setting (like taking a sibling quarrel into a work setting). But I have noticed a real fellow feeling with the bullied and rejected by a lot of people who suffered as children. Sometimes what seems like an aggressive response is just belated firmness in defense of the vulnerable.

It’s good not to go overboard but sometimes it’s a wonderful thing to be the one who is brave enough to speak up for the defenseless.

Ever the people pleaser. Never thinking we were good enough.

Yes this. This is how my mother affected me.

One thing in counselling that I'm starting to think hasn't helped me is assertiveness training.

This idea that I have to assert myself. I have to make myself heard for what I actually mean. I have to speak up when other people's behaviour is having a negative impact on me.

It doesn't work in some situations and doesn't help.

I think I've taken it too far and crossed a line into aggressive. I think it's actually best to just be myself.

Is there any point in pointing out to someone that they have hurt you when they intended to do that? Is there any point in pointing out to someone that they have misunderstood you when they intended to do that?

Surely it's best to just be myself, just carry on being myself, in the face of those who want to see me as something I'm not for their own needs?

It's definitely made me think a lot the last few days.

I've been concentrating since estrangement on the positives of having anxiety which has helped me a lot.

I've worked on the obvious issues of having it, like shutting it down when I have imaginings about the outcome of situations I'm worried about. Or when I've said something daft, instead of overanalysing myself into a state where I think people must think I'm an idiot, I've just laughed at myself and reminded myself that these people have said daft things too and they like me so it's fine.

There is a lot more to work on here than I thought though and I think like everything else it's just going to take practise.

Trigger Warning for those with abusive parents

oldladynewlife, that is great insight. It was all the guessing that we went through that caused so many problems and why so many children of abusive parents end up with Anxiety disorders as adults.

Always guessing and questioning.

Will there be an outburst today?
Did I cause the outburst with something I did?
Or what didn't I do that she had decided I needed to in her mind that I cant read?
How much harder do I need to try to get her to love me?
If I was more (insert whatever), would that help?
Am I a bad person/daughter?
If I am not good enough for the world, as she says, how will I ever take care of myself?

And on and on.

And because this damage was caused by the person/people who were supposed to love us unconditionally and help us grow into confident loving adults, it is ingrained in us. Ever the people pleaser. Never thinking we are good enough. Always second guessing. Always seeing the looks we get from people who did not have abusive parents when they cant understand why we would ever cut off a parent. The comments, the judgement.

Jeez, I added a trigger warning because, even though I have had years of therapy and am confident in myself, I still felt that tightening in my chest of anxiety. It never fully goes away does it?