Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Lovely insight! It’s hard to break the habit of pattern seeking and responsibility—we are pattern making monkeys always trying to figure out how our actions can influence our world. So we are always guessing, as children and as adults, which behavior or action we took might have influenced our parents to treat us better. It’s shocking when we realize that our actions or our presence were not the cause of our treatment at all, but their own demons.

I think we have a tendency to internalize any interaction with a narcissist. But it literally has nothing to do with us. WE are not the problem. Once we realize it, it makes it easier to walk away from toxic people in all areas of life. Family, work, even online.

Walking away is the ONLY way to win against toxic people.

freedom I know what you mean about gifts, I had a massive fear of not being grateful enough and ended up just shutting down for a long time. Also the strings attached fear.

That's a really useful thought actually. Even if you take it to bare bones, they hate us to be happy because they can't ever be that

It took me a long time to be able to accept complements. Or anything really. Even gifts. We were raised to believe that we were not worthy. Or it had strings attached. It is a difficult thing to overcome. Once you do it, it becomes easier each time.

It was helpful for me to realize that her hatred of me is actually her hatred of herself. Every time she put me down, she was putting herself down for something she saw in me that she wanted to see in herself.

I made progress today because I got good feedback from a recent visit and said "that's brilliant, thank you for passing that on" but I should probably sue my face for slander lol

I too am working on accepting a compliment, because my kneejerk is usually to sabotage it (ie not just not accept the compliment but often i say something to rebuff it which makes me look worse than i did to begin with)

My mother used to absolutely hate when another person (a friend of her's, a neighbour etc) would pay me a compliment or her a compliment about me (for being good, well behaved etc). When they'd gone she'd positively seethe with it, snarl about how much she wanted to tell them how awful I really was. I wasn't. She just found being a mother difficult and needed it to be my fault.

That's just so sad. All the times we looked at ourselves and saw only faults that must be the reasons why a parent would treat usdifferently and the truth is that narcissists just need an emotional punch bag and there is no reason they chose you at all, it was just at random

@maddyone: I know a family with identical twins where the father started right in demonizing and criticizing one while praising the other from birth. One was assigned the role of fat and troublesome when they were literally identical and straight out of the womb. But to the child it is all they know and they can’t grasp how random it is.

The problem that often arises from these difficult childhoods is that the child lacks self esteem, and that translates into an adult who lacks self esteem. I was never praised or given compliments, it simply didn’t happen. The only positive thing I ever heard was that I wasn’t much trouble. That was because I had learnt that unquestioning obedience was the only way with my mother. Nonetheless if I did step out of line I was punished far beyond the actual ‘crime.’ My mother was still giving me negative feedback about my physical attributes when I was an adult. I was the plain one, my sister was the pretty one, the much admired one, the one who received empathy for whatever befell her. I received negative feedback for everything from how I looked to how I reared my children. She treated my husband disgracefully. It’s taken me my whole life to stand up to her. And I’m still not perfect at it.

Oldladynewlife glad you are here and thank you so much for that. You are right completely, it is expecting what is given to be taken back again.

freedom That's exactly what I need, it isn't even what I originally thought it was, being a people pleaser and needing people to like me... Actually I don't want people I don't like to like me lol. It's more being misunderstood or misinterpreted and finding that I ignore my first instincts on whether that is a me problem or a them problem. But actually, if I do not try to explain myself in the first place, it wouldn't be a problem at all

Hi violetsky and everyone else here. I really joined gransnet because this thread was so appealing to me and I could see how much struggle people were having around this issue. I just wanted to be a part of it and support people dealing with the lifelong fallout of these painful early relationships.

VS your sudden realization about not being able to take a compliment resonates with me so much. I see this so often and in so many people who had similar childhoods to yours. I sometimes think it is because compliments were few and far between in those childhoods, and always came with a hidden barb (either phrased negatively, or taken back at a later stage, or you were made to pay for accepting it in some way). Very often people have described to me that all kinds of gifts (compliments or things) were only given to them conditionally, or publicly, and then taken back or spoiled when the recipient and the giver were back in private. Fancy Christmas presents that got take or sold or given to more favored children after the unwrapping. A compliment “your hair is so beautiful…almost makes up for your spotty skin” gives and takes back in the same breath. Only by steeling yourself to hide your own leaping heart, your own natural pleasure, can you protect yourself from the extra pain of letting your tormented know how hurt you are.

Eventually what was a self protective habit that arises within one toxic relationship becomes a barrier, a real wall, between you and a natural reaction to a sincere compliment.

At any rate one way to start working on it is to try to gracefully and playfully accept that the person complimenting you needs to be recognized for the compliment because they are saying no more than (but this is important) “hey! You are on my team and I love the way you do X because it’s so great for all of us!” It doesn’t have to put you on the spot and trigger your “oh no! I’m vain and this person will hurt me through my vanity” module.

You can practice saying, simply, “thanks! I like that my invention/plan/action/note made things easier for everyone.” And then you can enjoy slowly recognizing your own worth without having to block the compliment for fear of backlash.

I can feel what you wrote in my soul. We learned from an early age that we were lesser than our parent. The narcissist always has to be on top an they will do anything they can to keep that record going.

It is so freeing when you get to the point where it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Online or not, you can remove yourself from any situation that you do not care =to be in

Recently I've noticed an issue and I don't know if anyone has any thoughts on this.

I've noticed that I can't accept a compliment.

I worked very hard on a project someone asked me to do (school resources) and he came to me and said that he thought they were amazing and thank you so much. I immediately told him, it was no big deal, they aren't all that good and I could change them if they weren't what he wanted. He actually shut me down completely saying I should stop putting myself down and be nicer to myself. I was just shocked and went with smiling like an idiot then sat and had a cry later. It was... An experience.

It made me think.

Recently I've been told by a few people that I'm a nice person, that I'm contientious, that I'm giving or that they are happy with my work.. Each time I told them that, I wasn't really. Later I spent time thinking to myself how I'm not those things, not worthy of praise and not good enough.

Yet, I consciously make an effort to be those things. That's who I want to be. It matters to me

I also praise people all the time and I'm noticing that some people do as I do and look a bit miserable or simply don't reply.
Others... they just say thank you and go off with a smile!

I really want to be one of the others and be able to do what my boss did for me.

Then there is the other side, when people are critical or need you to be the bad guy to justify their behaviour.. I am defensive and absolutely won't accept unfair criticisms and will challenge them, yet I don't think that's healthy at all. Why haven't I learnt that the right answer is walking away from those people who have their own vested interest in trying to keep you beneath them. Why did it have to take half a lifetime to finally walk away from my mother? Why can't I just be ok with people not liking me when I keep telling the people who do like me that they shouldn't?

How is it even humanly possible for such a massive contradiction to exist in your own head?

I know this all probably stems from low self esteem as a result of abuse... Low self esteem can come in other ways too. Does this impact you too and have you found a way to change it?

I want to stop being my own biggest obstacle in my own life. I think I'd really be healed then

freedomfromthepast

I have made the decision to stop fighting to help her. I know I cant help her. She would rather stop every effort to help her and have a comfortable life than give up her hoard.

The hospital is sending her home this weekend, despite the fact that he can not get herself in and out of bed. Her medical condition is still serious and she will have another infection fairly quickly. I know she will refuse to return to the hospital, which means we have to prepare for her to go home and die.

Interestingly enough, I actually want this for her too. But not in a bad way of that makes sense. I know that she will finally have freedom and peace in death. She is truly a victim of her life and I know that in death she will find what she has been seeking for her whole life. It is not unlike someone with end stage cancer. You know that death will bring them peace and you do not want them to suffer any longer.

I feel angry right now that she has made the choice to dismantle everything we have done to help her the last 9 weeks. She has self sabotaged all of our efforts. Even though I knew it would end up like this, I still had that eternal hope that a daughter has for a mother. But that is for me to work out on my own. I will do what I always have done. Wait and then clean up the damage after the fact one last time.

My dad's health is disintegrating as well. We have known all along that his choice was to no longer seek treatment and die. I am surprised he made it this long. Luckily, I was able to provide him with some companionship and home made meals during his last few months.

In the mean time, I am buttoning up the last bit of my Grandma's care. Her house has sold and I have finally taken over legally to provide care and take care of her estate. That is a relief.

My brother's a hoarder freedomfromthpast and it's a thankless task trying to get them to declutter. Have had varying degrees of success over the years, but within a few months, it's started all over again.

I will look her up Onward

I have friend who is a hoarder freedom and I think you are right to step away from that one. You've achieved a lot lately, I hope you are going to reward yourself

I am thankful for a winter storm coming through here tomorrow so I can stay home! Nothing like what you all got, but we are getting negative F temps, so it will be cold.

I have hit a roadblock with my hoarder mother. She refuses to allow me to throw anything away, no matter what condition it is. All I can do is walk away. Someone will probably report her to the county at some point and they will come in and condemn the house.

I am exhausted.

I am finalizing Grandma's move and home sale though. That will be less on my plate in a couple of weeks.

Ive been following Melanie tonia Evans on social media for a while now Violetsky and I've got one of her books, not finished it yet but it's very helpful. Im not at home at the moment so I can't say what its called.

Weathered the storms ok, thanks. Interesting times! I haven't logged on here because theres a lot going on.... Hope everyone is ok. Will check back when I can.

I have decided that today is a new day for me. I have so so much to be happy about and thankful for. My mind and body are going to get a spring clean.

I hope everyone has weathered all the latest storms and are doing OK?

I think this part hit me hardest

I found that very interesting VioletSky, thanks for posting it.

I skimmed this and it sounds familiar. Once I have a spare moment (Grandma was talking about a hunger strike in her care center today so I had to take care of that ) I will finish reading it.

A friend of mine said recently that my mum sounded like hers and I mentioned narcissism...

She sent me this today and it's fascinating

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/does-the-narcissist-know-what-he-or-she-is-doing/