Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Aww thanks Violetsky I think its because I'm not keeping the family secrets anymore!
Im so sorry and I know that devastation too, its not you, it never was.

Freedomfromthepast that is a good point and may explain why my Mother went off the edge when her Mother died, even though she had been Low Contact with her. You are ding a great job! I hope youre getting time to do things that nourish you and put back into you, otherwise its just being taken from constantly and thats draining.

Onward, I can tell you that when my mother almost died on Christmas Day, the feelings I had were surprising to me. Even with estrangement, they are still our parents.

I think there is some regret in the finality of death. Even when we estrange, especially mothers from daughters IMO, we still have a sliver of hope that they will magically become the mothers we have always needed and deserved. That can't happen when they die. So we are left mourning the mother we did have AND the mother we needed.

I am like you in that I cant just write her off. I do not want to have contact with her, but I am working very hard to help her by taking care of my dad and setting things up to renovate her house for her to come home. I can't not do it, it isn't my nature.

Being completely honest Onward I do wish I could have been low contact. I just could not build defences against her, I'm terrible at it. Every time she was even slightly nice I would completely let my guard down and be shocked and devastated when she was very soon nasty again.

The only good I have managed, since I've been estranged, I've finally learnt to stop letting other horrible people get to me. It's very freeing and without any reactions from me they just make themselves look bad.

I still don't think I could do that with my mother...

I don't want to try and find out as I have no doubt she would use it to make me look bad and as an admission of my guilt, then she would estrange me if I did go back.

You sound so much stronger lately too

Glad it helped freedom will keep my eye out

Good link Violetsky.

I can't ever imagine my Mother "hearing me out" about anything or validating my feelings.

Look, she doesn't take responsibility for the bad decisions she makes in her own life, so she definitely isn't about to admit what she did in mine wasn't ok. Others might be the same? Mine just never takes responsibility, full stop, not for anything. Not for herself, not for anyone.

Why would mine change when she can blame everyone else but her? It's always been this way and it will not change now. I accept it. The best I can do is not to have regrets. We only have one Mother and I won't treat her how she treated her Mum because I have standards. She will not always be here, so I will do my best.

Even she who estranged her Mother, was devastated when she actually died, so I think maybe it's harder to lose someone that you're estranged from? Even if they are a $%&*ing pain, they are our $&%*ing pain, if we have not estranged them. I don't criticise estrangement because I think no one walks in the same shoes.

We all have to do what we feel comfortable with and what seems best at any given time. It may change, it may not. But overall, we make decisions on the information available at the time and keep ourselves safe- whether it be limited contact or no contact.

That was a very good article. I have no time to read books right now, so shorter articles like this are better.

For those who don't enjoy long books or can't find the spare money right now, the author writes many very helpful articles on estrangement

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/202006/why-parental-estrangement-is-sometimes-unavoidable

Yes estrangement is difficult for everyone involved.

Maddy: I agree. The aging process itself brings about a difference in how our minds work I am learning as I have been taking care of my Grandmother.

Added on top of my mother's personality is a possible stroke, which is really affecting her personality.

My sisters and I have found a nice balance to ensure that everyone needs are being met though. One of my sister's is at the hospital with mom each day and I am not. Which works for me. But I am taking care of everything I can on the outside, bills, food for my dad etc.

It is working.

No, it's not easy Allsorts for any of us but it is possible, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the nearer we get to it, the brighter it shines x.

Freedom and Maddy you are doing so well. Allsorts {flowers]

Violetsky I totally get it.

It's probably best to do from a distance if possible since nothing you do will ever be "good enough".

freedom and maddy you are both very strong. I've walked away from any obligations in the future. Although, if she ended up with nothing or no one I think I would have to help somehow.

Allsorts

As someone trying to recover from the opposite. It’s not easy.

It is indeed exhausting feedomfromthepast and your mother will continue to behave like that because she thinks you owe her. They all think that their child, however old the child is, is there to look after them and do whatever they want doing. They do not see you as an individual, you are simply an extension to themselves, and should therefore do whatever they require. I think as they age, they demand more as they see their own physical abilities fail. The aging process is sad for any elderly person, but narcissistic mothers feel the loss even more as they cannot accept they are losing some of their power.

Thank you for your comments and understanding ladies. I think I am stronger now Violet although I admit to still feeling guilty and that I don’t do enough for my mother. I try to stamp those feelings down though now. Obviously when you see your 94 year old mother in a care home, having lost all independence, and more or less always in bed, you’d have to have a heart of stone to not feel sorry that it’s come to this, and I know I certainly don’t want to end my life like that. But I won’t allow her to manipulate me like she did, in particular because she was admitted to hospital recently and she informed my sister but not myself, meaning my very manipulative sister texted my daughter in law and told her, so that I found out in a round about way about my mother’s hospital admittance. This is the second time she has done this. I had a very good (strong) talk with her when she got back to her care home, saying that as her next of kin and relative living near her and does everything for her, that in future she must let me know if she goes into hospital. That I’m not prepared to find out she’s in hospital from my nephew 250 miles away or from my (lovely) daughter in law. It took over an hour but she finally agreed she will do that. She was game playing, God knows why, but she was. Of course she didn’t admit that, but since she agreed to let me know, I consider that I made my point.

maddyone: I am also living the scenario you described. My Grandmother is in a care home now. She doesn't complain as much as your mom does, but boy oh boy does she get on a ringer sometimes.

My mom is still in the hospital since Christmas. My sister has been working with the hospital team to find her a rehab center to transition to to help build her strength. NOTHING is going to work for her. Nothing. She has limited choices but thinks we all need to keep looking until she finds her utopia. Which does not exist.

It is exhausting.

maddy you sound so much stronger lately and it's brilliant

It must still be very difficult maddyone but also a relief that at least she's in the care home now. She's blaming the staff now instead of blaming you so at least you're getting some rest from all the criticism and guilt trips.

They would never see you as a person Violet. You’re just seen as an extension of themselves.

Visited my mother in her care home this morning. She’s taken to her bed more or less permanently since she arrived there last October. She won’t get up. Often says she’s ‘poorly.’ She blames the staff, says they won’t get her up. Blames the staff for everything. Keeps saying she wants to die or she’s fed up of being in her room. It’s a gorgeous home, like a lovely hotel. Absolutely loads of lovely activities every day, she just complains absolutely all the time and won’t join in. Last activity she did was afternoon tea in the lounge about four weeks ago. It was lovely, I saw it all, just like a lovely hotel. She said it was ‘rubbish’ and no one would give her any food.
This is narcissism in old age I’m afraid. I suppose she’s trying to make me feel guilty but I’m refusing to do so. The other old people are much more cheerful.

I think that's what did it in the end.

I tried so hard for so long to show them who I was as a person.

Then I started fighting it, but fighting it just meant arguing, trying to be right, playing their games.

I realised the only way I could ever be myself was to stop engaging with it all. So that's me now. Cannot be liked by everyone, sometimes that's a me problem, sometimes that's a them problem but I'm always myself regardless lol

Sorry things on my mind today. Hope everyone's week got off to a good start

Oh yes, VioletSky I know that only too well.

They lie, cheat, manipulate and destroy, will tread on anyone to get where they want to be- and yet it's always "someone else's fault".

I havent really looked into my brother too much but the little put downs, the dismissiveness, the assuming I am going to react a certain way and then running with that even when I don't react that way are all present.

You know those confusing times when it's like you are having 2 different conversations and you just end up baffled. Their version of who you are is so different to who you actually are. That's how an abuser needs it to be though to justfy their own behaviour.

It's a shame really as he was totally different young but after he started manipulating people and cheating on his partners he started the same blaming and shaming to excuse his behaviour. Nothing was ever his fault.

Here, here Maddyone

I wouldn’t want the life of my sister. She’s narcissistic, like our mother.

Yes, we are actually the blessed ones. Through all the pain, we are the high flying, the free.

Absolutely scapegoats being the most high functioning. We HAD to be to survive the abuse!

I have said for a long time that I would rather be the scapegoat than the GC. I look at my GC sister and would not want her life. She cant take care of herself.