Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

So sorry you felt that way with your Dad Sara1954 Maybe he was more ill than you realised. It's good you have happy memories. My Dad was not interested in me because I was a girl. He also scapegoated me from an early age, probably for being born female.

I am realistic about who and what they are. I think my siblings might be narcs as well, where I'm the scapegoat. I've found something helpful on Quora which I've pasted below in case it helps anyone else.
www.quora.com/How-do-narcissists-treat-their-siblings

Elizabeth Conolly, studied Psychology
Answered Dec 1, 2018
If they are both narcs, they tend to be very competitive with each other, even if different ages, genders, and even if they have very different goals in life. The Golden Child will continue to torment a Scapegoat, usually the roles continue. I’ve also found that the roles can reverse, as the scapegoat can find their way in the world, and their talents, or learn that they weren’t the awful person they were led to believe, so then they tend to become very successful, and become excellent narcissistic supply, whereas the Golden Child may find the real world a harsh reality check, where they find they’re not as special and Golden as they were led to believe. For example, maybe grades were everything growing up, and in adulthood, they realize some of the things that were so important in the family, don’t really matter, and you can’t rely on grades, looks, weight, sport talent, or whatever was valued by the narc parent/ parents. It’s a bit of karma I’ve found.

Good huh? I mean, not good that we lived it, but scapegoats are the most high functioning.

I loved my dad though, he was a good man, when he died , my mother became a loose cannon, with no one to moderate her, she just got nastier and nastier.

My feelings for my mother aren’t confused in any way, I don’t like her, I know she had her own issues, but she was a bad mother, a cold, and often nasty woman.
My feelings for my dad are more confusing, as a small child I remember him with enormous affection, he was very hands on, and he and I spent lots of time together.
He did become ill, and although it was managed, I don’t think he always felt well, and my mother and I constantly rowing can’t have helped.
I think I disappointed him, and he seemed to lose interest, only stepping in when I suppose he thought my mother was going too far.

My Dad never once stepped in, in fact he aided and abetted the abuse, probably for her approval. Yes they probably do want a peaceful life.

I also regret holding my parents up as a good standard to my kids, thinking I was the bad one and they had it all sorted, like you Violetsky telling them off for the same reasons. Yes, me too, the shame.

My children are great too. They always were. We always were. We were lied to. She was at fault- and even now my Mother can see no good in anyone.

I think enablers just want a peaceful life. I don't know

I do remember very well all the times I told my children off because when they went to her house they were expected to be quiet and still. Even in the garden, they were told to be quiet because "what will the neighbours think". She constantly told me I was a bad mum and made me feel so ashamed.

I can't express how angry I am about that now. My children are great, she was at fault.

My dad stepped in now and again when he considered she was going too far, but it seemed to me that he was just weary of the whole thing.

Yes, my Dad is also an enabler. He stood by when he should have acted to protect. He took her side, not mine.

I still love them, despite it all and hope they find peace in this life but if not, in death. I know it sounds awful, but I think we will with mixed feelings.

My parents also stayed together and I can tell you that my dad IS having a miserable life. I always wondered why he stayed and he told me recently that he couldn't leave because she would take half his pension.

I have struggled with the topic of my father for a long time and it still causes me more pause then my mom does. I know why she is who she is. But him... He enabled her. He ignored what she is for many years, turning a blind eye. But he is selfish as well. She needed a new car and when they went to look for one, he came home with a brand new truck.

I really hope that they both find peace in death. Neither of them have found it in life.

My parents stayed together, there would never have have been any possibility of them separating.
I think my dad must have had a miserable life, and a wasted life, I always hope he found some enjoyment in his long solitary walks, and his books.

That's so good for you Violetsky So fortunate the family friend let it slip!

Aw, it's understandable to feel sad when other siblings have advantages you never did. I also feel like that, but I think they think I had it better.

I had a great dad. I actually nearly ended up living with him after their divorce, I was 2. A family friend let slip that mother could not cope with me and I asked him about it and its true.

I have a much younger sister that has grown up with him and sometimes I wish I could have had that life too, so much she has that I didn't. I don't ever feel jealous though, just sad

I did have a kind Grandma who showed me unconditional love. I think she knew what was happening, but was unsuccessful in doing anything about it. She was always kind and never saw bad in me.

One particular time I remember I was invited on a picnic with friends where everyone was taking their own food. It was expected that people would bring food to share, but my mum made me 4 slices of marmite sandwiches and refused to let me take anything else. So, I was sitting there with my dry sandwiches and goggle eyed at all the amazing food, but my Mum had told me I was not to eat any food offered me....so I said no when offered delicious food even though I badly wanted it. My friend's Mums did insist that I ate that delicious food after I'd told them I was not allowed. I always remember that delicious food and am thankful for those women.

Yes, I used to fantasize about being adopted by someone kind or living with my Grandma. Like you Sara1954 I hope others had someone kind in their lives.

Some heartbreaking stories.
I hope you all had other adults in your young lives who showed you kindness.
I think I developed what I can only describe as ‘crushes’ on some women, I would become obsessed with them, fantasise about being taken in to live with their families, looking back I wonder if they thought I was a bit weird.
Random acts of kindness by other peoples mothers, I remember clearly till this day.

Something that I first noticed as a teenager was that people would say "you're so lucky to have such a great Mum" (it would be said to me when I was reeling in pain from something she had said or done) I knew then that when she did something awful, she would lie to others that it was me so they would pick on me, thinking I was the bad one.

It worked for her, for a long time because I felt so bad about myself due to repeated shaming and attacks that I almost killed myself. I even think that if I had died, there is a part of her that would have been happy to get the ensuing attention. It's very sad to think that, and I haven't said this before to anyone.

Violetsky you're right. If only there was internet when we were young! If there was, I'd have been banned from it, though. I wonder how many kids are scapegoated and outsiders believe the kid is bad because the parent is so good at covering their tracks?

This is such a difficult subject and there was so little information available when we were young so I'm so glad having these conversations helps people

Reading all these posts is like my own life flashing before my eyes. I’m so sorry that we all have had to endure this. My family has a saying that I’m an only child and still not the favourite. Growing up I knew no different and recently I met a friend from my childhood, she asked after my mother then said she and her family were always so sorry for me as I had such an unloving mother. The fact they noticed validated what I went through and the fact that
I am now trying to make sense of the impact her narcissistic behaviour had on me my whole life. She now has dementia and is in care and I will never be able to confront her about how she treated me but even if I did she would deny it and belittle me to think it was my fault. Even knowing how narcissistic people work doesn’t take away the deep feelings I have. Luckily I have a very supportive family and for many years my own AC haven’t had anything but minimal contact with her as she tried to do the same to them despite me trying to protect them. I shall shortly be starting therapy to hopefully unravel it all and get some peace. Finding this thread has given me hope.

maddyone, like you, I was aware that other families were different, but assumed mine were (some variety of) 'normal'. There was always that awful guilt, thinking it must be all my fault. My own mother didn't love me - because I was (obviously) unloveable.

I've mulled it over my whole life. Why was she so vicious and nasty? Why would she be jealous of me? What was wrong with me? I was very pretty, maybe a little loud, perhaps hyperactive?

Onwardand Upward's 'female narcissists' fits her like a glove!

There have been compensations for the lack of a bond, though:

When she was very elderly, I tried my best to ensure that she was well cared for (she was ill, after all) but there was no anxiety, no panic or sleepless nights - just a calm, detached sense of duty. Any elderly person should be cared for, of course.

When my father died, I cried such a lot, it was so very sad.
When she died, there was no grief at all - just an overwhelming sense of relief - our troubles were over.

Maddyone that's such a shame about your sister! It really does affect all generations, unless someone does the hard work in therapy and stops passing it on.

Freedomfromthepast so sorry you're knowing that the good feelings with your Mother are temporary. I know that feeling. Just as she lies about the others to me, I know it will soon be my turn to be lied about. I am realistic. She has told me terrible things about my siblings, which I know not to be true. One of my siblings tells me to have nothing to do with her, the other time limits her and the others have differing ways.

Yes I do seem to have fragile sibling relationships. I can explain why, from my perspective-
The reason (as I see it) is that my parent has caused dramas they they are at the centre of, everyone must revolve around them and serve them. No one must be close to each other because they must always be closer to her. She has pitted against each other as far back as I can remember.

Most people have sibling rivalry, naturally, but my mother has fed this and I have realised she actually enjoys the upset, confusion and hurt that ensues when she causes trouble within the family. Unfortunately one of my sons takes after her in this.

Violetsky that's awesome , well done about your education and job, therapy and moving forwards! I think accepting what is, can be healing and talking about it is definitely beneficial seeing as we have probably had our feelings invalidated our whole lives. (At least I have)

I hope I never invalidate anyone's feelings. I think when you have been through stuff it makes you not want to be like that or pass that on to anyone.

Already have Antonia

With the right help and support I was able to come off anti depressants

I went back into education in my 40s and now have a job I love

Went to a therapist and then counselling

Had a bit of a crisis with my health but almost recovered now.

Have times like anyone when I feel sad and wish I could have had a good mum but they happen less and less

Estranging was the best thing I could have possibly done and I only hope talking about it helps others going through the same thing

Thank you for beginning this post Violetsky. I can see that you had a difficult childhood in many ways and I hope you can move on positively with your life.

I had to make mine a total break too Sara because I just couldn't stop trying to have a good relationship with her which was allowing her to hurt me. I had to protect myself.

Some people are able to low contact and it is enough but when I trued to distance my mother just tried harder to make life difficult.

Maybe if I had known or understood what she was at a much younger age I could have handled things differently and set the tone for our relationship with both of us being adults but I was too mired in thinking her behaviour was my fault.

With the wealth of knowledge and support available now, people are picking up on it younger. I guess time will tell if that has different outcomes

I know it doesn’t suit everyone, but for me a total break was the only way, I am so relieved I did it, twenty years ago now, and I know that nothing will ever make me talk to her again.
The only thing that saddens me slightly, is that although my brother and his family haven’t exactly cut me off, they have definitely distanced themselves.

I’m so sorry freedomfromthepast, there do seem to be rather a lot of us don’t there? You’re right in saying that sometimes we can appear to get on okay with our mothers, but as you say, it never lasts. Both you and onwardandupward mention poor relationships with siblings. It goes to prove how these situations affect all the children in a family. It’s really sad.
My sister has moved on towards having a very toxic relationship with our mother. Since she lives 250 miles away she doesn’t have any of the day to day responsibilities that I have. She phones mum up and speaks to her for an hour or more a day. This from the daughter who didn’t speak to her mother for seven years at one point. Unfortunately for my sister she has now cut off three of her adult children and consequently she has cut off eight grandchildren too.

I am popping in to say that I recognize everything you all are saying with my own mother.

I do have 2 sisters. One I am very close with, the other (the GC) is a clone of my mother. I can't imagine living my life without my close sister.

I am still dealing with my mothers hospitalization and estate. The nice thing is that I saw my mother twice this week and we got along well. I know that never lasts, but it important that it happens while she is recovering.