Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Because they are so full of slanderous lies about my sibling I find it painful to spend time with them. My sibling also feels the same and we both know they tell lies and slander about us to each other and other people.

Probably what I need to do if I see them is confront it and say it's unacceptable. They might be too old to change, though- and really, it's not in their interests to change because it involves effort and caring about others.

Maddyone I do believe you because mine thinks everything should be for her. Yes, like your "stolen" car, everything I have has to be marred by her lies. She lies to my sibling about me all the time, but at least we both know she does it and are not fooled in the least. Poor lady, I don't know if she believes the lies she tells others or if she knows she's lying?!

She hates that on the whole life has been good to me, she doesn’t think I deserve it.

How true this is. My mother was jealous and resentful about everything I had, from a gold bracelet bought for me in Italy by my husband,
’You shouldn’t have bought her that, you’re spoiling her’ to
’Are you sure it’s not stolen?’ when I told her I’d bought my very first car (I bought it second hand from a private seller.)

You really couldn’t make it up. And how resentful and jealous does she sound? I bet you’ve all got similar stories to tell.

I think I’m fortunate that my husband knows exactly what she’s like……

This is true of my husband too. I think we really need our husbands and closest friends to understand what our mothers were like and continue to be like. Old age doesn’t make them better, it makes them worse in my opinion.

I’m glad you found some peace the other night Violet. It’s important to have peace.

The best way to cope, I think, is to simply not give a hoot about what’s being said about you.
If people know you, they will know it’s not true, if they don’t know you, it doesn’t matter.
I think I’m fortunate that my husband knows exactly what she’s like, as do some of my friends, I don’t involve my children at all, she’s a different person to them, but even to them, she’s not above bad mouthing me.

Yes, being accountable is important for personal growth. I used to be a lot worse at it than I am now because I still followed the patterns I was brought up with. When I started to re-educate myself, those things dropped away and I now think differently.

"Change your thoughts, change your life" really does help. I'm not saying things are perfect, but I'm better than I was.

Something I struggle with is that my Mother always finds something less than complementary to say about my sibling. It might be that they are bad at something, or have done something stupid. I don't see any evidence that what she is saying has any basis in reality, yet she seems to love to run them down (even if it IS fictitious) I know if she does this to others, she will be saying all shades of nonsense about me.

"They lied so others wouldn't like me, but I lied so people would like them". seems appropriate, at least to my childhood.

VioletSky
Spot on, don’t let her spoil your achievements, be proud.

Sara my mum used to say similar things... When my brother bought a house she kept saying how lucky he was, I did say to her that it wasn't luck, it was his hard work! She was jealous having never owned a house.

It's the same with relationships, it's not luck, it's our hard work, being loving and patient, being accountable for mistakes, learning to be a good parent, parter and friend.

It’s best to let it go as much as you can, I have had a good marriage, lovely children and grandchildren, she doesn’t like that, she says I’ve been lucky, lucky to have had nice children, if she had had children like mine, everything would have been different.
She hates that on the whole life has been good to me, she doesn’t think I deserve it.
Of course we’ve had upsets over the years like anyone else, and she takes great joy in that.
So, who has had the miserable, mean spirited life? Not me.

Yes, we were robbed, but not intentionally- because no one who is whole and happy treats a child like that or behaves in a toxic manner. Hurt people, hurt people. Whole people are free to love unreservedly.

We were denied the chance to be the adorable baby, the gorgeous toddler, the beautiful child- but looking back we were all of those things whether it was recognised and celebrated, or not.

Yes, the mother wound. Unfortunately my Mother has one and she passed it on. How I wish her healing, that she may not live another day with it because I don't wish it on anyone.

Glad you have some inner peace Violetsky There are many of us in the same boat and we can learn to love ourselves, to consciously choose people who love us and accept us as we are.

VioletSky

I know this is a hard topic but you have all brought me some inner peace this evening

That's wonderful Violet - I hope you have a very peaceful evening

I know this is a hard topic but you have all brought me some inner peace this evening

I think we have accepted it love0c. And yes we do move away "as best we can". But we will never get that explanation, that closure, of how as a child we were never wanted, never cared for as we should have been. From the EAC I've seen on here the capacity for love of their family is absolute. And you're right, it does "heal some mother wounds".

Love0c it's part of us it shaped us and its who we are but it's also what led me to my own husband and children who are amazing, some really wonderful friends and it shaped my job choice and I'm one of the lucky ones with a job I love.

I wouldn't change any of it of it meant I went a different way in life

VioletSky Yes you are right. Dreadfully sad but we just have to accept 'our history' and move away from it as best we can. I have made myself busy with my family and love and look after them to the best of my ability. This has helped heal some 'mother wounds'.

I'm so sorry Onward Maddy and Sara sometimes we have to mother ourselves.

serendipity I've heard it referred to as "the mother wound" so that's quite apt in a way.

I think that, we do heal but there are some things that, despite trying cannot be healed completely. Like depression and anxiety as just 2 of many examples.

For me what helps is to look at the positives of that.. For example, anxiety...

I'm a careful driver
I'm contientious at work
I always do my best
I don't let people down
I'm never late

If you can't fully heal the damage a mother does, you can still learn to love yourself as you are

Serendipity22

I understand what lies deep within you Violetsky. Not precisely what you have beeb through, bur more to the point the inability to just let things go.

Someone metioned it
must be like a scab, pick, pick, pick and it never heals. It is subconscious, its there, it happened, you experienced it and so you can't erase it from your mind, its an impossibility, you can alter this and you can alter that, you can make sure such and such never occurs, but its always THERE.

Like i say, your particular experience, i have never known, but i do know what it is like to carry a heavy load that is impossible to dump.

This!! Thank you Serendipty22 - this in bucket loads!!

I understand what lies deep within you Violetsky. Not precisely what you have beeb through, bur more to the point the inability to just let things go.

Someone metioned it
must be like a scab, pick, pick, pick and it never heals. It is subconscious, its there, it happened, you experienced it and so you can't erase it from your mind, its an impossibility, you can alter this and you can alter that, you can make sure such and such never occurs, but its always THERE.

Like i say, your particular experience, i have never known, but i do know what it is like to carry a heavy load that is impossible to dump.

I am interested in what you are all saying, it’s like belonging to a club where you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
It’s sad in a way that I was never that special girl, that I never measured up, that no one was ever proud of me, I didn’t brighten up any ones day.
But it showed me how not to raise my children, as I tell my grandchildren, you can never have too many kisses.
I think I grew up with a bit of an inferiority complex, was always surprised when people liked me, but nothing can be changed, and I’m not sure that trying to understand is very helpful, because we can’t, my mother is still alive, and is quite good at being the hard done by one, but I don’t care, nothing she can say or do has any affect on me .

It's incomprehensible that a mother could treat her own child that way maddyone. I hope that in adult hood you've had people in your life who have found you adorable, gorgeous and beautiful, and told you so.

One of my earliest memories was that my mother always told other people, in front of me, that I was ‘awkward.’ She seemed to mean difficult, not behaving as she wanted me to behave. I would hide behind her skirt when I was very little because I was shy, and she’d pull me out, loudly telling the other person that I was awkward. I can remember being embarrassed by being called awkward, and yet when this happened - regularly I might add - I wasn’t even at school, so I must have been 3/4 years old.

I think you’re absolutely right OnwardandUpward. We were robbed of being the adorable baby, the gorgeous toddler, the beautiful child. I never felt I was any of those things. I don’t remember my mother playing with me, reading to me, or helping me with homework. To a great extent I was ignored.

Yes it is Violetsky. Every time since I can remember I've been "too fat", "too stupid", always "too much" in some way or another. None of it is true though, it's narcissistic projection.

If someone ever says Im too much again I have the perfect answer though www.facebook.com/watch/?v=304186258114997

All of what you say is true, Violetsky. We were robbed of being known as that adorable baby, that beautiful child, of our good bits being celebrated and of having unconditional love. I believe all of those wonderful traits are in us and always have been, just that we were so lied to that we believed the lie. So abusive. We were never too much. Always just right. Perfectly unique and meant to be.

It's just awful to have the message, from as young as you can remember, from the person who you are wired to love and trust that you just aren't good enough.

Or the message that you are expected to be responsible for a parents emotions and expected to be there, enmeshed, supporting and holding up a parent instead of the other way around.

Or the message that you don't matter, your needs and feelings ignored because the parent puts themselves first.

It all does incredible amounts of damage. There are vital stages of development missed, literal brain connections lost, a body stuck in a constant mode of stress not sending the right messages which results in illness or triggers without being able to self soothe.

Then the person who is responsible being so abusive that they will never be accountable, tell you that you are the actual problem, scapegoat you and recruit others to bully and harass you, all to hide their own shame.

It makes me so happy to see those who are not only facing up to the reality of what has happened but actually taking responsibility that should never have been theirs to reverse the damage.

Ooops I pressed too soon, Was going to say, us telling the truth is their own worst nightmare. They hope we don't remember, but we probably do- and if not, our bodies do.

Thanks for posting about scapegoating Violetsky I was also scapegoated by parents and in other situations too, but am getting better at setting healthy boundaries. Your book sounds interesting! Learning how and why does help those of us with an analytical brain , I think.