Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

It is, and the book is careful to point out that its not always a parents fault if they weren't attuned enough or were dealing with other issues which impacted their childs development

But it is all preventable with the right support and education

Interesting VS

From the book

7 miserable years, the impact of which I am still trying to deal with

Yes LucyLocket And brave when you admit it. Interestingly many boarders never get to that point.

This isn't about something being witnessed whilst the child experienced it. It is the impact that is left from the experience which is different.

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That must have been awful Lucy and compounded by the fact you were told that after the first year if you were unhappy you'd be able to leave, to find that that wasn't the case.

I agree Madgran that a child going to boarding school at a young age could experience real trauma. Something that should be picked up by the parents as well as the school.

If it's a matter of convenience on the part of the parents, I can see that any signs would be conveniently ignored where the welfare of the child is secondary.

No one knows how a child will respond until the placement takes place. I'm sure there have been cases where an outgoing and confident child was unable to settle to the surprise of their parents, and a more introvert and shy child was happier than initially thought possible.

My father was a diplomat so we all went to boarding school when we were 11. I was fuelled by reading Enid Blyton books of Mallory Towers where everything was great fun and friends for life ethos. How could I have been so wrong?

I was to,d that if I was still unhappy after a year I would be taken away. I was and asked to be moved but no. I can still remember that sick, miserable feeling in my stomach and head as we got nearer to the school after every holiday, half term or exeat. My mother resented us two elder children being home as she found the two younger ones easier to deal with so she intended us to stay at school for a long as we could. 7 miserable years, the impact of which I am still trying to deal with.

My head has been awful lately.

In the way my mental health causes issues with physical health I think my physical health and trying to level off after stopping thyroid medication and perimenopause seems to impact my mental health.

I've done with the housework so going to take the book into the garden and see if I can get my chapter done, maybe more.

If I can somehow disconnect those ties I think life will be much easier

If you can't recognise these issues or ACES in yourself, you can't recognise how those issues impact your own relationships or children.

You can't recognise how your own methods of coping might be harmful to others who need or want to do things differently.

It becomes infectious in a way I suppose

I could guess that even a child who had a good relationship with parents might unknowingly suffer with attachment or abandonment issues after attending boarding school

Indeed.

I'm sure that the home/family life as well as the personality of the child have a bearing on the boarding experience

This is a difficult one isn't it. A child removed at a young age from a happy family life may experience real trauma by that removal. They have been a confident child until this experience floored them and then they can't cope, or have to find new ways of coping. A common response is shutting down emotions (certainly an aspect "taught" in BS in the past, but maybe changed now, different world today) and this can carry on into adult hood, impacting on many aspects of life including relationships. Another common one is "being a coper" "never needing/asking for help" often stated as "boarding made me independent!" Kneejerk responses to any concern "I'm fine"! Ofcourse other experiences might also create those and other traits but here are quite a few commonly found in ex boarders regardless of home life or personality.

The strength I think of the BS survivors programme is the goals on identification of childhood causes of adult behaviours and a focus on moving beyond those behaviours to something better. A focus on Recovery, as in the title of the thread.

That's wonderful that there is help available for people who struggled with it.

Triggers are extremely difficult, even when you know you have them.

I didn't wake up to my childhood until I had a nervous breakdown. Sure I was not happy in the relationship but even friends being shocked by things my mother said or did, weren't enough because of that internal feeling of not being good enough and deserving of bad treatment.

Lots of people wake up to it in different ways.

I could guess that even a child who had a good relationship with parents might unknowingly suffer with attachment or abandonment issues after attending boarding school

Yes VS, it was the ACES that made it seem relevant.

Not all ex boarders identify their parent as "toxic" although it seems quite a high number do. There seems to be a fairly common pattern of denial until middle age or when something traumatic happens, and then buried understanding of what happened as a child starts surfacing.

Evidently women tend to show different signs of ACES to men in terms of boarding. I wonder if that is the same for sons and daughters experiencing abusive childhoods/toxic parenting aka your thread title.

The Boarding School Survivors Programme (developed by Nick Duffell) runs separate programmes for men and women and focuses on identifying ACES and how these impact on one's responses as an adult to different circumstances.

I don't have any experience of boarding schools but in the context of a support thread like this one, if it contributed to ACES or a difficult relationship with parents its is factor worth considering

There are a lot of factors to be taken into account aren't there DL. The child's personality, availability and suitability of pastoral care and the reason(s) for sending the child in the first place.

2 years is a long time for child to adapt and settle down, must have been a difficult time for him and his parents. Good to know that it was a positive experience for both in the end, and that they have successful careers and good relationships with their families.

I had a wealthy friend, some years ago, who had twins. A boy and a girl.

They both attended day prep school, and then were both sent to separate very good boarding schools, at 11.

The idea was to give them an excellent education and contacts that would help them in the future.

The boy absolutely hated it, and they had two years of ructions before he finally settled down.

The girl, on the other hand, loved it and thrived, from the start.

Both are now very high flyers in their chosen careers, and both have good relationships with their family..

Perhaps it depends on the pastoral care at individual schools, and the personality of the child.

I did feel sorry for the boy though, he was unhappy for a long time, before adapting.

They were 10 I think and all went to the same school. My uncle was in the army and it was decided that boarding school would provide continuity as they moved around a lot due to his postings.

They had a good home and family life. The youngest who had and still has bad eczema and asthma says it was a very positive time for her, giving her the self confidence that she's previously lacked.

I'm sure that the home/family life as well as the personality of the child have a bearing on the boarding experience.

Yes, ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) is being recognised in terms of potential long term impact physical and/or mental. It seems that less obvious ACES are now being recognised as part of that including, for instance, boarding school.

Smileless2012

Yes I realise that Madgran which is why I find it interesting as my cousins loved it.

How old were they when they went Smileless? And out of interest what was their home life/family life like? I wonder if both those things might have an effect on their boarding experience?

He has just started to talk about ACES Madgran which is actually really fascinating. Even the NHS has article about ACES now.

Yes I realise that Madgran which is why I find it interesting as my cousins loved it.

Its not that experience for everyone Smileless

That's interesting Madgran. Three of my cousins all siblings went to boarding school and loved it. I remember feeling quite envious of them at the time.

I am interested in what more can be learned from the book and I have set myself a target of the chapter a day

Good idea!

I haven't gotten to the end Madgran, read another chapter today

But seeing how my body responds to triggers is really interesting.

I'm the sort of person who thrives under stress or pressure yet, things that trigger me can make me extremely unwell in a short space of time.

At the moment I am being mindful, thinking things through and just breathing through or avoiding triggering situations or people.

I am interested in what more can be learned from the book and I have set myself a target of the chapter a day.