Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

I have been reading about "body keeps the score" in relation to "Boarding School Survivors". It makes a lot of sense linked to trauma in childhood and feeling/being unloved. Not all children who attended boarding school are "privileged" - there can be many different reasons for the boarding experience. I too have been wondering if the body can reduce the score riete.

Its a wonderful book, I'm still working on body keeps the score but I watched an interview with the author recently and he is so kind and empathetic it will be nice hearing his book in his voice now

thanks violetsky, for the positive thought.

i've been reading more pages of these posts today, and love the idea that "we" might read a book "together" and discuss how we feel about it and whether it helps us. perhaps i'll get to that part as i read the last few pages. i'm really keen to read the body keeps the score, particularly if there are clues about unpicking the damage the abusive childhood did. (might my body reduce the score, i wonder?)
i'll be back when i'm up-to-date.

I love this article

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201907/unloved-daughters-and-6-questions-keep-them-night

Hi riete I hope you find some positives and support here

i'd like to send my first message to all the people who've likened the pain and damage many people suffer via abusive parents, to a small scab that "should be left to heal". if that is the size and extent of the pain you've suffered, then it's right that you treat it in a way that suits you.
but for some of us the pain is of a broken leg, with broken bones poking through the skin causing constant pain, blood loss, and simply not healing. we've tried every way possible to get past the pain, but finally discover that the only way to heal is to re-set the break. or at least to try to re-set it. to find a way of getting it to hurt a little less so that we can indeed try to "get on with our lives".
when you belittle the pain we suffer, you merely make it worse. is that your intention?
i think you should really try to let each of us heal the best way for us, as an individual, in a way that works at least a little for us.
we are not all the same.
we have not all experienced the same life.
for some the broken leg has become septic. we need a good course of antibiotics as well as the re-setting before we can have a hope in a million of healing. even a little.

to all sufferers of childhood abuse, indeed any kind of abuse, my heart goes out to you and i hope you can find at least a little recovery, so that you can enjoy your life.

to all who wish only to condemn, please take your condemnation elsewhere.

i thank you.

Random thought of the day

As well as being soulless and only being able to feel any joy in life by feeding on admiration and praise from their enablers or feeding off the hurt and pain they cause their victims...

I wonder if another reason narcissists are called emotional vampires is because if you hold a mirror up to their own crappy behaviour, they just can't see themselves in it.

I think its interesting how long Disney has been teaching children about unhealthy relationships

I didn't watch Encanto for a long time because it had a scapegoat theme. Finally watched it and loved it, though I could do without scapegoat themes. Lol

I don't normally know anything about things before going in, just random new series that have popped up or Disney films with the children...

I need a warning next to the rating so I can avoid it lol

The last series would have been inspiring if it wasn't so unbelievable

Perhaps you are subconsciously gravitating towards that theme if you are feeling a bit low right now? We tend to be drawn to what suits our mood of the moment be it music, books or films.

Does literally every TV show or film that features a back story now have a difficult mother figure and a strained or estranged relationship?

Seriously.. doesn't seem to matter if I watch horror or Disney films.

I've just finished a series (no names or spoilers) about surviving an accident and the back story is the main character fighting the mental legacy of an unstable neglectful mother to survive...

It's literally everywhere I look

Id quite enjoy watching a positive family sometimes

I'm feeling emotionally and physically wrung out at the moment. So I am going to concentrate and doing things that make me happy.

Starting with a bath bomb and a good book

Thank you for your concern Allsorts

VS I can’t see how you have answered anything. It is a worry for sure.

imaround

VS - wanted to let you know about this book. I have heard parts of her story in the past so I knew her relationship with her mom was not good. I may add this to my reading list.

www.yahoo.com/entertainment/jennette-mccurdy-details-dark-side-160000071.html

Sorry, that is a US Yahoo link. In case you don't want to click it, it is Jenette McCurdy from the US series iCarly. Her book is called I'm Glad My Mother Died.

I've just read the link...

It gave me goosebumps

I've seen a lot of the show with daughters.

I will get the book

Me too DL it must be a constant worry.

Smileless2012

As you say DL we get bits right and we get bits wrong and usually do our best.

Parenting is a hard job - you do your best, and hope that they turn out ok.

I'm glad I haven't got younger children today - what with easy access to drugs and online abuse etc.

It's even harder than it was.?

As you say DL we get bits right and we get bits wrong and usually do our best.

Smileless2012

Interesting posts Allsorts and Mandrake.

I think the majority of mothers and fathers make parenting decisions based on their own childhood experiences, both good and bad.

I agree. I tried to keep the "good bits" of my mother's parenting (and there were some), and do things completely differently with the other stuff.

We all get bits right with parenting, we all get bits wrong.

We just, usually, do our best. ?

Allsorts

I've answered that question from you many times and I am happy to do so again but...

How will the answer help you?

Interesting posts Allsorts and Mandrake.

I think the majority of mothers and fathers make parenting decisions based on their own childhood experiences, both good and bad.

Thank you imaround

Allsorts, I don't think it's possible. I do some things the complete opposite to my childhood because of how I know those things made me feel and I don't want that for my children. But that's still a decision made due to my own baggage and, no doubt, sometimes I've compensated too far the other way.

Allsorts

People that are still recovering forty years later, from dreadful childhood abuse, so bad that everyday it's on their mind and they talk about it, so obviously it's a constant presence and problem. Yet despite all that they go on and find a partner and raise their own families. How do they separate that anxiety from their children when it's always there? How do they compartmentalise emotions so obviously close to the surface to concentrate on their own families?

This is something that I have wondered about also. Is it harder for women to recover from an abusive mother than it is from an abusive father? Mothers are traditionally the nurturers and carers and the template for your own mothering skills so does that make an abusive mother more difficult to recover from?