Feeling sad

Have you tried to talk to her rather than sending gifts?

That's a sad situation to be in Sallywally1.
I feel for you and can only hope that in time she will regret the estrangement and reconsider.

[sallywally I know that sadness and send you a hug. Its a bummer this estrangement.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I'm sorry you are struggling

I know you didn't ask for advice.. I just think though that you should wait, for a rainy day, unattached to anyone's dpeacial occasions and try a different offering.

Try offering joint counselling, let her choose it. Tell her you are ready to listen, that you want to understand and even if her recollections are different from yours you will understand that her feelings are real and genuine and need to be heard. Offer her no guilt, no blame, no shame, just a genuine request to resolve this.

I've been estranged from my mother for 7 years too. I promise its not anywhere near my birthday. I'm just telling you what would work for me after the same time. I appreciate it might not for you but at least you would have tried.

You could always get that counselling as a gift just for yourself to help you find happiness again

Sallywally1 thinking of you. 7 years is a long time. So sad.

Thinking of you Sallywally. It's so sad. All I can say is ,
I did manage to dodge that bullet. If it was a recent estrangement, I would say, give it time, but 7 years ! That must be hard. But don't give up hope

Yes I have reached out. I have sent one or two non threatening letters asking for recollection and have asked her brother with whom she is in contact to say my door is always open to her.

Thank you for your caring replies. X

My son and his family aren't speaking to me. Their fault. I will continue to send presents with cards saying with love from mum. I also send WhatsApp photos occasionally which are seen so I haven't been blocked.
Perhaps you could buy them charity gifts. If I were you I would continue to keep contact. I hope things work out for you.xx

I am so sorry about your situation I am assuming it's a control issue. One day I hope you are reunited with your daughter X

I was thinking the same Redhead.

7 years is long time Sallywally, it's 9 years for us and FWIW I think you've done the right thing, hard as it is. In your position I would continue send cards to the GC but no gifts, and nothing more to your D.

We've never sent gifts to our GC but always a card for their birthdays and at Christmas but nothing at all to our ES. We stopped this year but not because cards were ever returned, they were most likely binned, or because we were told to stop, it was something we no longer felt we needed to do.

We've never known our GC but I understand if you did, and they knew you, you would never want to stop just in case something got through to them.

As for your s.i.l, sod him. They're your GC whether he likes it or not. We're as certain as we can be that our estrangement is due to our ES's wife being manipulative and using coercive control.

If she had sent me a nasty text telling me not to send our GC anything, she'd have been left in no doubt how I felt about that.

If you haven't done so already, think about a memory box for your GC where you can put their cards and also consider a savings account where you can put something in for birthdays and Christmas.

You can open them in your name and if heaven forbid you never get to see them again, you can leave the account details in your will, together with itemising the memory box, in the knowledge that there will be something for them to inherit which shows them you never stopped loving them or forgot about them .

I’m so sorry for everyone going through this. Birthdays and Christmas must be very hard. I hope that in time everything comes right.?

We’ve been on the other side, so as adult children, could no longer deal with the difficulties.

I know it’s not the same, but for what it’s worth, even though we did the estranging...we would still feel sad.

Hopefully, it’ll be resolved very soon, and the fact that you haven’t sent a birthday card this year may make her think.

VioletSky’s suggestion may have worked for us too. Half the problem with my in laws, and my own mum to some degree....was not acknowledging there was a problem.

I wish you all the best ?

Sally, I am so sorry that you are being estranged by you daughter when all you want to do is love and care about her and her family. Estrangement is more about tolerance than it is about rejection. As DiscoDancer points out, everyone in the broken relationship is hurting. Sounds to me like your daughter's hurt is too much for her to tolerate any form of contact from you. It is not rational, but sometimes the more you try to repair a relationship, the worse it is likely to get. Estranging a loved one is not the act of a rational person unless some kind of abuse is involved.

Please don't send gifts, letters or cards unless your estranged child has let you know it is OK. Too many times getting these are triggers to the EC's anger and resentment. They are hurting too bad themselves to listen - that is why they have estranged you. Worse, they might feel that you are being manipulative in expressing your heart felt love and hopes for reconciliation.

If their spouse is still communicating with you, they would be a good conduit to relay anything you want to say to your EC. Using other family members as a communication bridge can be problematic in cases where the EC wants others to pick sides. If contact is still refused, then find a way to accept that. Nice thing about grandchildren is that they do grow up and eventually contact with them can be established without having to go through the parents.

Sally , your post has saddened me. Smileless your idea of saving accounts for the GC and memory boxes all mentioned in a will is a sound idea. I can only imagine the pain estrangement brings. Obviously these situations are incredibly complex and I have no expert advice to offer. However I send you my thoughts and hope you are able to find happiness. If I may venture to suggest - counselling may be a source of strength and comfort to you as it may help you to accept what has happened and to live your life with contentment. ?Good luck in all you do.

A kind and thoughtful post Shelflife.

Morning Sally Hope you had a good Xmas & NY.

Did you hear from your estD, did you refrain from sending Xmas gifts & cards?

I've been estranged for over 9yrs now. I never sent cards or gifts. I did buy GC cards and put them in a gift bag with Xmas gifts I'd already bought as I was cut out just before Xmas. I also opened up a bank account for each of them and put monies in for Xmas & Birthdays.

I went to mediation, which helped me a lot, the lady was so nice. After this my D was invited to go by herself and thereafter it would have been the 2 of us. But my D didn't
respond. Perhaps you could try mediation, even if it stops at just your visit it would still have done you good, made you feel better to talk, and you could then go on to counselling as Shelflife suggested just making sure the councillor you choose is knowledgeable with estrangement.

After 6yrs I stopped with the cards [only going into my spare room anyway] I stopped with the money gifts, stopped lighting candles and praying.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do. It's a very hard burden for a loving mother to carry, especially on birthdays & Xmas. God Bless xx

Thank you everyone, your caring replies mean a lot. No, we sent nothing this year.

Love to anyone going through this loneliness and grief, sadly we are not alone. X

SallyWally1 It is an awful situation to be in and can make you feel sad. Can I just ask a little question on the estrangement thread you mentioned that 3 years ago your estranged grand-daughter had popped up , is she the daughter of your own daughter that you are estranged from?

I am semi estranged from my daughter and have not had any real contact with my grand-children for about 7 months.
I have one grand-daughter of 9 Years old and had always been in her life. I have always given Christmas/Birthday presents. (she has 3 children they all get presents)
Daughter was phoning me during December and saying she was thinking of me and things would get better in January. She knew I was unwell with Covid. I got the Christmas presents sent around for the children, I got a text saying the presents had arrived and thank-you. Just as I thought nothing heard from her since not even Happy New Year as per usual it seems all she was interested in was the arrival of presents and that's it.
I am past caring anyway and my focus has and always will be
letting the grand-children know they are loved and thought about. I would even welcome full estrangement at times but know I would always have thoughts of the children.

Not sure about the estranged grand daughter popped up! No the estrangement comes from my daughter.

I think these threads are helpful. It is so sad we have to deal with such matters in our (possibly!) autumn years. My love to you all.

Yes it is sad Sally but it helps to be able to talk about it especially with those who understand because they're dealing with it too.

Hope you're OK.