Theoretical rather than a support thread

Thinking about it, my paternal grandparents lived less than five minutes away from us, but they never set foot in our house, and I only ever visited them with my dad.
Obviously something was going on, but it was never spoken about, and we never questioned it.
So maybe we have a pattern after all, and once again, my mother seems in the middle of it.

Onstrike

I have never noticed a family pattern of estrangement in those I know, but I suppose it could be there and others just don't talk about it. I have noticed that many estrangements are a result of narcistic behavior by one or more in the relationship. It only takes one s**t family member to tear others apart.

As VS points out though, ^there are so many factors.^

Yes I agree and those individuals are sometimes one who join a family and then cause devastation.

I truly believe that most estrangements hinge on abusive individuals.

From my experience and from people I talk to who share it, those who grew up in abusive households often find it the most difficult to leave those relationships permanently.

No matter how much we learn about our own childhoods and no matter how much we come to recognise and understand what constitutes abuse, that need for a loving parent and the desire to fix them or ourselves or whatever we have internalised, is difficult to move past.

I like to think this is a learned habit and can be broken.

The only way I can see that happening is to continue to love the person who estranged me. And that is almost impossible.

Welcome to the wonderful twisted world of Estrangement.

I have never noticed a family pattern of estrangement in those I know, but I suppose it could be there and others just don't talk about it. I have noticed that many estrangements are a result of narcistic behavior by one or more in the relationship. It only takes one s**t family member to tear others apart.

As VS points out though, there are so many factors.

I think once its introduced to a family as an accepted way of handling family troubles, it profligates.
My mother semi estranged her Mother. I've been forced by my mothers behaviour to do the same - but I hate doing it. My AC has gone full on and estranged me, after meeting their partner who hated their own parents and estranged them!
I see it in a similar way as suicide. When members of a family realise its a possible way of dealing with emotional difficulties, statistics show the extent of it rises.
I'm sorry if that hurts others feelings I dont intend to make their situation harder..
It just seems as if once a family boundary is broken, the family dynamic is too.

There are so many factors

My personal situation, my mother estranged herself from family for long periods of time. She also tried to alienate me from my father, going as far as to threaten making me homeless.

I didn't learn estrangement from her though, I held on for half a lifetime before she drove me to a nervous breakdown and with the help of my own family and professionals I estranged.

I think there are two main ways to estrange someone, to hurt or punish or to protect yourself. So my estrangement is ultimately different to my mother's as she used it to punish people and I used it to protect.

I don't think the question is really whether estrangement runs in families but whether dysfunction, differences of opinion or abuse runs in families. Many I have seen discuss estrangement involve an abusive "other" whether parent or child.

However, I do not take anything for granted, I continue to try to heal myself and take responsibility for any mistakes or periods of being unwell. I continue to love my children unconditionally which they all make very easy to do.

That is the major difference between my mother and I, I am able to be accountable and she is not and justifies her behaviour or plays victim.

Everything I can do to prevent the cycle continuing will be done and at this point my personal relationships outside of my immediate family have always remained positive.

I’m estranged from my mother, but she was almost unnaturally close to her mother, and I have a good relationship with all of my children.
So I don’t think it’s a family pattern, just a case of my mother and I not liking one another.
The only sad part for me, is that I’ve never really known my brothers children, he hasn’t exactly taken sides, but I think he would find it too difficult to keep seeing me.