Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

Happysexagenarian

When I read your post DillPickles a phrase that my grandmother often said came to mind: "^Never apologise, never explain^" and she definitely lived by it! I would probably add to that 'Never back down.' BUT, it's your family and you want to restore some harmony between you, so maybe you should initiate contact and offer an olive branch, but don't take all the blame, just tread carefully. Your DS and DIL were also in the wrong for dismissing your concerns and treating you so badly, even though their attitude may have been fuelled by their own worry, so I think they need to apologise for that. If you could all meet up (perhaps in a neutral place) and talk calmy that might be a starting point. Good luck, hope you can sort it out.

The parents are not in the wrong for dismissing her concerns. They had the situation under control and did not require outside interference.

I think the Dil knows you don’t like her,she must get the vibes…
So be careful or all will be lost..

This reminds me of an estrangement with my MIL and FIL. FIL was a difficult man and had left a cup of tea around near a one year old, who spilled it. He yelled at her right in her face, called me something rude and my hubby told him to get lost (!) and we left saying we would never return. After four months NC MIL rang hubby and begged him to forgive a tired old man his stupidity. We did and never mentioned it again. It did make us realise how tired two tiny tots could make a then 70 year old. We did forget over time and I’m glad we did. Not the same but a break made us all realise how important family is. FIL never apologised but kept his considerable temper under control thereafter.

When I read your post DillPickles a phrase that my grandmother often said came to mind: "^Never apologise, never explain^" and she definitely lived by it! I would probably add to that 'Never back down.' BUT, it's your family and you want to restore some harmony between you, so maybe you should initiate contact and offer an olive branch, but don't take all the blame, just tread carefully. Your DS and DIL were also in the wrong for dismissing your concerns and treating you so badly, even though their attitude may have been fuelled by their own worry, so I think they need to apologise for that. If you could all meet up (perhaps in a neutral place) and talk calmy that might be a starting point. Good luck, hope you can sort it out.

You have been given very good advice here.

The one thing I would not do, is not mention it and wait and see. That could really backfire as your son and DIL may think that you are trying to sweep this all under the rug. It needs to be addressed head on in order to stop any future problems.

I agree with those who say that it is important for you to realize that your DIL's reaction was totally justified and get over the thought that you should not be talked to that way because you are an elder. Until you get past that, any apology you do make could seem insincere.

Yes that saying does come to mind Allsorts, a very worrying time for Silvertwigs and her D.

Silver twigs , what a truly awful situation for you, watching your beloved granddaughter with such a vile person. Perhaps before too long she will see him as he is, but infatuation is blinding her judgement I’m afraid. Just be as you are, unfortunately there isn’t a thing you can do whatever they both choose to do. The saying young and foolish comes to mind.

I am just wondering why you think that are owed respect from your DIL when you obviously don't respect her in any capacity as a person, a mother or a professional. Nor do I understand why you think your son should have spoken up for you when you have that attitude towards his wife. Maybe you need to rethink discussing this with them until you can put your hand on your heart to agree you were wrong and genuinely intend that nothing like this should ever happen again. Maybe you can even request that your son lets you know if you are stepping on toes again.

I’ve got to agree with the general consensus that you questioned their judgement as parents, probably when they were tired and worried, so their outburst is understandable. Also you disputed her professional expertise and experience, which as you well know, takes years of training and work to acquire. No wonder she was upset. But reviewing the situation and learning from it is good - I keep doing that very thing a lot lately. We all make mistakes, forgive yourself first and move on. Personally I wouldn’t write either, that can be misconstrued too. Nothing like a sincere brief face-to-face apology, no discussion, and then let it go.

mimiEliza

Holysox.
Read your response with interest...... what would you advise I do when I can tell that
7-year old GD is anxious at family gatherings; wont speak, whispers, only one-word answers to a question, or, visibly freezes if asked a simple question or at best shakes or nods her head to reply. Clings to parents. Do I not mention to my DS and wife?

Was this meant specifically for me (particularly as a number of posters have said similar things)? That is not to 'mention' things to your DS and DIL?
From what you've said it sounds like your GD is simply shy!
However, you're clearly worried so might I suggest you start your own thread. Other GNetters will give you different views from their experiences. We'll probably like more detail - and that might be useful to you in seeing things clearly. Hopefully you'll get some helpful feedback that this will allay any worries you have - without approaching your DS and DIL. If there are genuine grounds to raise any concerns (i.e. abuse) then you can go in better prepared - both on reasons why and what approach you should take.
By the way I was very shy as a child but turned out o.k.!

Judging by your description of her reaction, I think your remarks might have been the latest in a number of 'helpful' remarks. It sounds as though that was the last straw! You must never forget that the children are theirs and all decisions regarding them are theirs alone. Always. If they ask for advice then consider offering it, but never, ever say anything that might be construed as critisism. You raised your son and your job is done. Over. They are not interested in how you think the children should be cared for because it is None Of Your Business! Please, please take a good look at yourself and ask how you want be part of their lives. Speak to DS and DIL too and ask how you can move forward, because you obviously adore your GCs and want to be part of their lives, but it will be on their terms. I wish you luck.

We definitely do all make mistakes

We just have to make sure we don't make them twice lol

Just apologise, without trying to put any blame on your son and DIL. You were at fault, you overstepped the mark.

A little notelet type card, with a sincere apology,

Hopefully, then you can then all get back to normal, and you know not to interfere in future.

We all make mistakes, we all have to learn. ?

DillPickles

I definitely stepped on her toes, and apologized when I caught myself but she was so angry she had an outburst. Both my grans were unwell and I felt that my son and DIL were waiting too long to seek medical attention. One is asthmatic and the other had what appeared to be a really bad respiratory infection. I thought I heard wheezing from the asthmatic child. She and I are both nurses. Granted, I don’t have nearly as much experience as she does with sick children, but basic clinical judgement told me the meds were not working at home because the boys seemed worse than when I saw them the day before. I do not think they are neglectful parents at all. I simply may have overreacted to what I felt was a slower pace than I’d move at in getting them more care. I admit that with the children being hers and her clinical background loaded with experience with sick children, I should have piped down. But I would have never dreamed of speaking to my MIL or my mom in the manner she spoke to me. My son wasn’t raised that way either and I’m still shocked he not only did not ask her to lower her voice and tone down the disrespect, but also joined in. Regrettable things were said but I want to sit down, talk it out, and move on. They just feel unapproachable right now.

you actually what? and your defence is that you wouldn't have spoken you your Mil in that way???? You are lucky you get answers to your texts!

if you are still thinking "she crossed the line" "I just want them to see they did as well" then you are not ready to make any kind of approach. When you can genuinely believe and say from your heart that you are sorry for what you did without ifs ands or buts, then you are ready to make an approach. And I would say that no matter what the rights or wrongs because its the only way that you stand a chance of recovering the relationship if you want to....and never overstep again.....you get one chance!

Bless you silvertwigs. You did the right thing , scumbag could have been a very dark character and done unthinkable so don't feel any qualms, you were in the right. Youngsters learn the hard way, but usually hardest on us to witness powerless

stillaspringchicken

If you sit down to discuss what's happened then you risk both sides becoming more entrenched in their views and total estrangement.
I'd suggest a sincere apology, with no justifications, and then leave the ball in their court - no messages, no phone calls, no pressure.

You've not been ghosted have you?

Don't want to give you the jitters, but I'm into my fifth year of NC with #2 son and mate! She went ballistic in my face in front of DGx3 and all over HER not telling me an appointment was cancelled so I hadn't needs to rush over early doors...... I had the temerity to suggest we went home as x2GC FULL OF CHICKEN POX! And we both had serious chest infections....I wish I'd kept my Gob shut but who knew?!

DillPickles, I’m sorry you’re having to go through all the heartache with your family. I hope you manage to sort things out and are welcomed back into their lives. I’ve also learnt the hard way. To keep the peace you have to keep quiet. Good luck!

If you sit down to discuss what's happened then you risk both sides becoming more entrenched in their views and total estrangement.
I'd suggest a sincere apology, with no justifications, and then leave the ball in their court - no messages, no phone calls, no pressure.

What a terrible situation Silvertwigs, you and your D must be worried sick and there's nothing you can do.

@ DillPickles I sympathise with you, your not alone in this for sure.

There was a time that every time I opened my mouth it would be taken out of context.

I wish I’d handled so many failings differently. I have my 19 year old GD living with me and I won’t have her boyfriend anywhere near my house because of his past abuse to her and vileness towards me and my daughter (GD’s mom) he sent the worse sexual and violent emails you can imagine to me and my daughter. I got the police involved, they were brilliant. But for what? My GD is still with him and spends the weekend with this lowest of low family ?

I read an article just this weekend that in you genuinely mean the apology put it in writing, accept you did wrong, acknowledge you hurt their feelings/overstepped or whatever it us they've accused you with, but do not say anything referring to the incident ie "if you'd just....". Post it and then sadly all you can do is wait. Good luck

I would consider writing them a letter. I’d apologise unreservedly and explain that you were anxious as the kids weren’t well, but you realise you must have added to your son and DIL’s stress and that you realise you over stepped.
Don’t mention anything that implies they are also accountable as otherwise your apology will count for nothing.
Sometimes it’s not about being right it’s about smoothing things over so you can fix the relationship.
I’d Take one for the team hon and comfort yourself with the thought they will probably be in your position one day and know what it’s like to be walking on egg shells ?

A good post Glenco.

What's done is done Dillpickles. Unless I've miss understood, you apologised at the time, there was a period of no contact and now your son is beginning to communicate with you again.

Perhaps the period of no contact was the time they needed to deal with their feelings about what happened, and your son is now easing back into his relationship with you. If this is still an issue for him and/or his wife, rather than apologising again, I would wait and see if he mentions it.

Until he does I wouldn't. He may not wish to talk about it ATM and may not want too at any point in the future, so apologising again may put him under pressure to discuss something he doesn't want too.

Try to be patient, it may feel that your relationship is moving forward very slowly, but at least it's going in the right direction.

Yogin