Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

My mother and I fell out once, badly. I can’t even go into how deplorable her behaviour was. Her explanation: she was throwing a tantrum. She did it fairly regularly when I was growing up. It made my life a misery, to the point of a suicide attempt. Such is the power of a bad parent. But the tantrum she threw when I went to my best friend’s wedding was inexcusable. (She was a very jealous woman). I wouldn’t speak to her for ages. Until she phoned up and apologised. First time, ever. She was my mum. I wanted to forgive her. We learned a lot and moved on.

Be honest. Write to your son and daughter-in-law saying that you have realised you were wrong in acting /saying what you did and wish to apologise.

Don't go into details, just add that you hope they can forgive you and that you can re-establish some contact.

It may not do any good, but you have nothing to lose by trying.

Dillpickes, you are clearly feeling hurt and angry, justifiably so and this feeling will never quite leave you, especially since you will probably not get the apology that you should. However, in order to regain and maintain a relationship with your son and his family you will have to keep those feelings under wraps. It won't be easy and you will frequently have to bite your tongue, but bite it you must. Have a cry, tear out your hair or do whatever you need to later, but at the time remember that you are doing for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren. It'll be hard but keep the big picture in mind. Best of luck, you can do it.

Just apologise for reacting as you did. Don't explain why and don't ask for an explanation of their response. Then wait for them to make the next move.

Great that your son has started responding to your texts. You were definitely in the wrong over this and all your comments show that you are still simmering over this and want them to admit to being also at fault in this. They weren't. Put yourself in their position, how would you have felt at being basically told you weren't looking after your children properly? Just apologise without any comments about what they said or did etc, tell them you were completely out of line but got over anxious about the children and you should have known better as they obviously know how to look after their own children. Hope you get get a satisfactory outcome.

Abject apologies on your part and commitment to no future aberrations are the only way forwards.

Yogin ?

Holysox.
Read your response with interest...... what would you advise I do when I can tell that
7-year old GD is anxious at family gatherings; wont speak, whispers, only one-word answers to a question, or, visibly freezes if asked a simple question or at best shakes or nods her head to reply. Clings to parents. Do I not mention to my DS and wife?

You should apologize profusely. You were definitely at fault by interfering where you had no right to. Their children their decision. Know your place as a grandmother. I am sure you never allowed your mother to interfere so you shouldn't. Always remember, their children, their decision.

I dont think that talking about it is going to help matters. It does sound that you were perhaps over the op with your opinions if they reacted as badly as you say they did.

As for exlecting your son to tell his wife to tone down how she spoke to you, thats a very old fashioned attitude- this is the 21st century!!!

Do not ask to talk about it... it will inflame the situation because you are still seeking an apology from them which you most certainly will not get.. rightly in my opinion

Thank you Madgran No it was nothing to do with the wedding. I stuck up for my D when they had a big argument, about6mnths later. I actually came back from holiday to help, it was that bad. He had her put in a mental hospital, I signed to get her out and live with me. She was diagnosed with 'baby blues' having just given birth to his son.

He came round and hugged me and said he didn't want to fall out with me, so we were still on good terms even with the bad situation. He wouldn't let her back into the family home or see her C till the antidepressants had kicked, 6weeks!

One day he said she could visit the C, I said to her try to get back with him nicely but he wouldn't have it. She phoned me to pick her up, in a very distressed state at leaving her C. That's when I said to him you realise the mother & C get to stay in the family home if you break up, it's the man that leaves With that his hate jumped from my D to me, he took her back and cut me out.

Yogin I am sorry you have those regrets and hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Although I totally understand why you feel it would have been better to not offer the reception etc and that you take full responsibility for that, I do also think that the couple could have just said "No!" if they didn't want it! Which was THEIR responsibility in the situation that has since arisen, if the money/reception etc were the original reason for the problem!!

I expect you are right that the court case was the death knell , and I am sorry that you have suffered the consequences for so long

I've no experience of estrangement - but this reminded me of what my late husband used to say:

'The secret of a good marriage? Always say sorry - even if you don't know what you did!'

Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

Yes Dillpickles I do.

My now estD had only moved out less than a year with my GD and moved into a bungalow with her boyfriend that she was expecting her second child with, first child not his. Short while later they announced they were getting married, quick registry office and pint & pie at the local pub, not buying for anyone else boyfriends words.

I offered to organise and pay for a nice reception also suggested them marring in their local church instead of the quick registry office wedding, they took me up on the offers.

I realise now I should have kept my mouth shut and not interfered. But as my D had only just moved out from living with me all her life, I still felt responsible for her, if it had been a few years later I wouldn't have. The wedding was lovely. I also gave them £5.000.

Down the line I think he resented me for meddling. 6mnths later I was cut out, been more than 9yrs now. I made another mistake at going to court for visitation rights to see my GC and that, I see now, was the death nail! Turning the cloak back I wouldn't do any of the above and would have been more careful.

From what you’ve said, you’re angry about their reaction to what you said.

Think about what you said. You, who admittedly has less professional experience with children in a medical setting and less practical experience with THEIR children, questioned their decisions. You disrespected them both as adults, a married couple, as parents and your DIL as an experienced medical professional dealing with children.

Why WOULDN’T they be enraged?

How you would’ve reacted in the same situation doesn’t matter in the slightest. They aren’t you, and your choices have nothing to do with them. Making different choices doesn’t make them wrong.

If you want to repair this relationship, you need to accept that your expectations aren’t their obligations. They don’t owe you an apology. You were the one in the wrong, and trying to shift blame to them will further damage your relationship.

DillPickles,
You may not have meant it like this but you essentially suggested they weren't taking care of their child and/or medical neglect. Of course they reacted really badly. They would have felt that you were insinuating they were bad parents. You can't expect them to apologise for how they reacted.
I think that all of this is on you. I know you meant well, but it was never going to go down well. Apologise, definitely don't expect anything back.

Your son was correct in backing up his wife. It sounds like they are a team and that is the basis of a great relationship and of being parents. It doesn’t matter whether you didn’t like the manner she spoke to you or the words she used - you were very out of line for questioning their parenting skills. She is a nurse with a lot of experience nursing sick children. Respect that and her judgement. You would do well to try and like her and look for the positive in her because if you don’t she will sense you don’t like her and that won’t bode well for your future inclusion in the family and seeing the grandchildren.

Love0c thank you

I had to go back and check lol I talk too much sometimes

Ok this is what i would do. If i realised i had over stepped the mark and things were sour because of it, i would go round or telephone ( preferably go round, face to face ) say i was very sorry for the way in which i acted, ask if we could please all start again and from walking out of their house, i would tell myself right, lessons have been learnt, I will think before i act.

My mum always used to say "Its not WHAT you say, its the WAY you say it.*

VS that was in reply to your 11.46 post.

VioletSky your last paragraph says it all! I haven't always done that but I do try to do that always now.

In your situation I would take it slowly. I wouldn't push for a discussion. I would respond to your son, asking after them all etc, general chat. I would also send a brief card saying something along the lines of "I am sorry for overstepping the mark and I understand why you were/are angry with me. I am glad that the children are now well again".

See how that goes and then maybe invite them over for coffee or suggest a meet up for coffee, at a playground or whatever suits them etc.

In your situation, you have regrets but you can make those right again and that is what you have in your control

I agree with this!

This situation sounds reasonably fresh. I would be careful, especially as you still feel so angry about it. It will be hard to mask that you feel this way.

The fact your son is now messaging is good. I would go slowly. Ask after them all, suggest going for an afternoon out somewhere at some point. And save the apology for when it is heartfelt. It sounds as though it would be a forced one right now, and it will be difficult to make that sound sincere. It can take time for people to forget and get over things, but time alone really can help to process and move forward, both for you and them.

I wouldnt try to apologize, write a letter, address this if OP continues with "I was wronged too by my son and dil but I have ti let it go"

It will come across very clearly in the apology or soon after.

It will be clear too that you want to send the apology because you miss your gc (not a word about missing your son at all)

In an estrangement, the damage comes from how it is handled afterwards, not the event itself.

This is sadly a very common situation.