Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

If you have to write send a nice card where you can put a very short message in it. A letter requires more words, which if you aren’t careful could easily be misconstrued.
My advice? Take it slowly and rid yourself of the thought that they need to apologise, even if they should, they won’t. Maybe sometime in the future, if things have improved they may, but not now.

Well you need to decide on how to make that contact,
Perhaps if you sent a small delivered bunch of flowers with a short note apologising & and express a wish to put it behind you.

DillPickles

I definitely stepped on her toes, and apologized when I caught myself but she was so angry she had an outburst. Both my grans were unwell and I felt that my son and DIL were waiting too long to seek medical attention. One is asthmatic and the other had what appeared to be a really bad respiratory infection. I thought I heard wheezing from the asthmatic child. She and I are both nurses. Granted, I don’t have nearly as much experience as she does with sick children, but basic clinical judgement told me the meds were not working at home because the boys seemed worse than when I saw them the day before. I do not think they are neglectful parents at all. I simply may have overreacted to what I felt was a slower pace than I’d move at in getting them more care. I admit that with the children being hers and her clinical background loaded with experience with sick children, I should have piped down. But I would have never dreamed of speaking to my MIL or my mom in the manner she spoke to me. My son wasn’t raised that way either and I’m still shocked he not only did not ask her to lower her voice and tone down the disrespect, but also joined in. Regrettable things were said but I want to sit down, talk it out, and move on. They just feel unapproachable right now.

Can't find the apology link so sorry but did summarise what it said.
Now I've read this more thoroughly and probably you were wrong to question her and she was justified in her outburst. Things have moved on a lot regarding what you can or can't say to your mother and MiL.
Hopefully your DGC are better now and everything said should be left in the past. There is no need to go over it again just move on and put it down to experience and don't interfere.

I would write a letter, apologising, and accepting that you were out of line.

Your DIL is a child's nurse, so I'm sure she knew what she was doing, and you interfering probably just pressed all her maternal buttons. She and your son were probably stressed as well. Your son took her side because he probably felt she was right, plus she's his wife, and his first adult priority.

As grans we do need to realise that we are "bit part players" in all this, not the stars.

The parents make the decisions regarding their children, whether we agree or not.

But, if they're still communicating, it's salvageable. So, write a nice, apologetic letter, taking the blame (even if you don't think you are totally to blame!).

And, next time, just back their decisions regarding their children.

As for the estrangement with my parents, I thought many times how it could have been avoided and how I contributed.

Avoid it? Not sure.
We are too different, we want different outcomes in life and my goals were not compatible with theirs.
Agree to disagree was not possible at all, despite multiple tries over decades.

I could have identified the narc fleas faster so it would have had less of an impact in my life and relationships.

I would have looked for therapy earlier in life

I did things just to piss them off - to show my independence, it added unnecessary wood to the fire.

Overall, we are oil and water. Too incompatible. They wouldnt be in my circle of friends or even met them at all if we were not DNA related.

OP

Imagine somebody hits your car and tries to avoid responsibility/try to steal your purse/slaps you in the face just because, etc

That generates a reaction in you, right?
You scream for help, ask for instance info for his/her insurance to fix the damage, hit him/her with your bag to avoid being stolen, defend yourself physically, etc

Now imagine that the offender is mad at you because you hurt him/her (as a reaction of his/her actions) and he/she claims you overreacted

You wouldnt have slapped, defended yourself or use your handbag against that person if there was no action first on the other part, right?
Would you ask for insurance information just because?

So, you cannot blame your dil and son for their reaction.
Your expectations of your son telling your dil to tone it down and lower the disrespect speaks volumes

Being older than them has nothing to do with it.
You are both adults and age does not measure what standards of behaviour should be followed.

The generational gap of expectations is huge here and I bet that is also a factor here

Speak when you’re spoken to - that’s my motto, just so that you can have contact with the grandchildren. My d.il. once said to me , you have your opinion and I have mine ….so, we shall agree to disagree ..

OP

You being a nurse may have nothing to do with it.
Your dil being a nurse - also may mean nothing here

You questioned her decisions taking care of her kids and that cuts very deep.

If it happens once, it might be ok
If there are other events or misunderstandings in the past, this only made it worse

Your dil did nothing wrong. She protected her family - mama bear protecting her cubs.
Your actions basically told her she was not taking care of her kids properly and you knew better than her.
Having sick kids is already stressful and this added fuel to the fire

It is unrealistic for her to react in the way you expected her to

She is not your son (which he may react in ways you also do not approve of)
She is her own person
This has nothing to do how you raised your son, as if he only has the right to Express his opinion in a way that is acceptable to you -

If you write an apology, please run it by us
Letters can be read with a different intent than it was meant

An apology: ' I am so sorry I intervened when it wasn't my role and I meddled.
I understand what I did was wrong and you and my son are perfectly capable of taking care of your kids."

Drop it there.
Do not expect to be back in the relationship again with them
Do not ask for anything: see them again, a call, lunch, babysitting, etc.

Time will tell and they have the control over the timeline.

Discodancer I’ve found that no matter how old the children are, they still look to us for guidance in the long run

You’re so right.

I've looked back, at the estrangement we had with both our families, over the last five years or so. I think menopause changed me, and made me realise how our mums may have felt at the time.

However, we could never, have known that at the time, but they should have done. So when we had a brief estrangement from one of our daughters, although she behaved unreasonably, I felt I’d been instrumental in that....being her mum.

To my mind, responsibility is always with the parent. We have nurtured our children, and brought them to the place they are today. That’s not to say they’re blameless....they made choices based on other factors coming in. So influences from other people....spouses family etc.

I took responsibility for my daughter. I love her, and didn’t want to lose her. With our parents, I felt it was ultimately up to them, and while I can now understand perhaps where they were coming from, I didn’t then.

I said to my daughter, I want her in my life. The original problem was put to bed. In the five years since, we’ve touched on it many times, and the reasons for the problems have gradually become clearer, but all water under the bridge now.

I suppose what I’m saying is....take responsibility for this. Do not push for answers, take graciously, what’s on offer. Accept...as the parent, it’s probably down to you somewhere. I’ve found that no matter how old the children are, they still look to us for guidance in the long run.

I do hope you find peace with all of this.

I’ll be honest, I still feel they were totally over the line with me. It just flies in the face of reason that one could speak so harshly to the person who would die for them. I wonder where such conduct came from in my son; our family just doesn’t behave a certain way toward elders. But I must let this go
I’ll be honest too, DillPickles.
I think as long as you maintain this belief that they were unreasonable and ‘over the line’, it is pointless you contacting them. It will be obvious to them that you harbour a grudge. How can you expect them to forgive you, when you don’t forgive them?

We’re getting ready for Sunday lunch with one of our sons and family. This could of easily led to permanent estrangement with his wife. I backed off realising contact no conflict situation better than nothing. A few years on she is the one who now contacts us to go out for lunch ( we usually pay?) but neverthe less much better than ending contact even though I was considering it at one time as it was completely draining.

It's true sometimes that we would not behave or react in certain ways without another pushing those buttons (sometimes deliberately, sometimes by accident)

But what matters is that we know we did the right thing.

In your situation, you have regrets but you can make those right again and that is what you have in your control

silverlining48

I think all you can do is acknowledge your part in this without reference to theirs and in future always Assume that anything you say could easily be taken as criticism. It’s good your son has started to respond so hope it resolves .
I dont have a dil but rarely offer comment on anything to do with the way my dd manages her children.
I know my place.

I so agree. Your last sentence is spot on. I don’t have a daughter just two sons, one of whom has no children but I have always let them and their wives take the lead. I don’t visit without asking if it’s ok first and am there to help if asked. From the start I have realised there is a pecking order, the DILs’ families usually take precedence and I have never resented or felt slighted by this it’s just the way things usually are and as a result my one DIL’s family have become good friends over the 30 years my son and DIL have been married; we are usually invited to special occasions in their family. The two other DIL’s my other son has been married to have both had difficult family relationships so I have been more involved with grandchildren than perhaps other MILs are but I have always took my cue from them - if they need me I’m always there when possible but I never presume anything.

Be careful, it’s clear you don’t like your dil. She will already know this and son will support her.
If you insist on wanting an apology and they don’t apologise, things will not go well.
You have had good advice but it’s up to you.

Before you send that letter I think it might be wise to pm it to two or three people on Gransnet.

Sometimes the written word comes over differently from what we intend ?

Yes I think NotSpaghetti is probably right.

Send the apology, wait a week, invite for normal lunch...

I know it's hard to swallow pride at times and apologise when you don't feel the one in the wrong but, there is always the fact that you will know you have done the right thing..

Also, these family relationships, there isn't really any pride to be had. We know too well each others faults and failings but what matters is the positives and the things we do like and respect about each other.

As long as there's communication there's hope DillPickles, and I understand this is minimal but it does give you something to work with

Absolutely agree.

The positive is you're really receptive, articulate and appear measured. Your son is contacting you even though it is minimal.
So there is hope.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you and everything is back to normal soon.

Do NOT ask to talk about it!

Just say SORRY and no more - or it will more likely than not, go wrong.

I’ll be honest, I still feel they were totally over the line with me. It just flies in the face of reason that one could speak so harshly to the person who would die for them. I wonder where such conduct came from in my son; our family just doesn’t behave a certain way toward elders. But I must let this go.

The objective opinion—which I asked for—is that I should expect no apology but ensure to offer a heartfelt one, which I of course have and will do again. So I will swallow what appears to be my pride and do it again if they give me the opportunity. My grans know I love them. It hasn’t been long enough for them to have forgotten me. I love my son and even my DIL (even though I just don’t like her). I think Violetsky had a great idea to write a letter first. Maybe this will warm them to the idea of sitting down with me?

I read an article about apologising. Will try and post link.
Basically it said don't use ifs, buts, refer to what you perceive they may have done. A straight apology - I am sorry for upsetting you. Don't mention anything else.
For you - you need to brush what happened under the carpet or things won't change and don't try to go too fast. Baby steps.

As long as there's communication there's hope DillPickles, and I understand this is minimal but it does give you something to work with.

You've apologised and now that your son has started to respond just keep it to light chit chat and see how things develop. Hopefully with time things will improve.

I agree with the others. Just apologise. No expectation of an apology back. Whether she was wrong is irrelevant really. They don't need you in their lives, but you need them in yours.

What would have been done in our day and age is irrelevant.

Put your feelings aside, apologise, and hopefully things will improve.

Better off, sorry, my house is cold and my typing terrible with cold hands lol