Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Good morning everyone

What a lovely post Whiff. So good that you are so happy in your new home, leading such a rich and rewarding life.

I know what you mean about "existing". That's how I feel at present but hopefully once I've moved I too will be able to start living a more interesting life. This house is lovely but its too big, especially the garden. I want and need something smaller and easier to maintain.

I realised this morning that it's now 16 years since my husband got sick and when his illness took over our lives. It's a long time and it's taken me a long time to rise up out of the doldrums. But I'm finally getting there. Moving house will be the final piece of the jigsaw, new house, new life.

Of course I feel a certain amount of trepidation but I'll put on my big girls panties, take it in easy stages and buy in any help I need. I am determined not to lean on my children for assistance, luckily I have found a lovely odd job man, an absolute treasure. I keep telling myself to view the move as an adventure!!

Hugshelp.....hope the booster jab went ok. Not long now. Are you excited.

Smiles......why not be lazy, although I don't think 8 is late, especially in winter. I think one of the joys of retirement is that you can dispense with the alarm clock and the punishing early morning routines. You can just allow the body to follow it's natural circadian rhythms. I tend to be an owl in winter and a lark in summer. I don't seem to need as much sleep in summer and love getting up early on a bright summers morning, but in winter I like nothing more than snuggling under the duvet, and of course what's nicer than an afternoon nap on the sofa when it's cold, wet and miserable outside. I become a bit of a dormouse in winter. I would like nothing more than to hibernate if I could. ??

A friend of mine used to say she wouldn't dream of going out until the "streets have been aired". I often lie in bed on a winters Morning and hear my neighbours scraping the ice of. their car windscreens at some godforsaken hour and thank my lucky stars I don't have to commute any more,

We've done our bit ......let the world turn without us......?

Smiles.....you're right, our reconciliation is still in its early stages. I just need to be patient. Perhaps I will be able to relax and trust again at some point, Ke sera and all that. DIL has just landed a plum job. I hadn't realised how frustrated and unhappy she was At work. I guess it was bound to affect her wellbeing, Theres nothing worse than being stuck in a work environment that makes you miserable. . Hopefully now that she's landed a job more suited to her talents and temperament she will be happier and more content (and easier to deal with?- less prickly perhaps).

I think we cannot overestimate the importance of our enivironmemt and the effect is has on our emotional well being, whether it's our home or our workplace. If we're not happy or settled then it spills over in to our lives and holds us back from feeling fulfilled and content.

I don't dislike this house and I shall be sorry to bid farewell to the neighbours, they're a nice bunch. However, deep down I know this isn't really the place where I want to spend my golden years. It's a lovely house and if I say myself I've done a good job with the renovations, but I have no emotional attachment whatsoever. It's just bricks and mortar. I am sure someone will love it. I know developers have had their eye on it in the past.

Still not sure where I want to live, city or small town, or what I want, smart bungalow, cosy cottage or swanky apartment. ??. I will know it when I see it.

When my husband and I bought our first home together we lost the dream cottage we had set our hearts on because it surveyed so badly. We kept on looking but by this time I had lost all interest and was very disheartened. . One day he picked me up from work and dragged me off to see a house. It was my time of the month, I was tired, crabby and frankly feeling mutinous but he promised me "look, I know youre tired and fed up, but we will just have a quick look and then I'll take you out for dinner, to save you cooking".

I was feeling murderous but the thought of not having to cook won me over, so I acquiesced. We drove to a gorgeous little town and. I felt my spirits lift. We Turned into a quiet little lane and pulled up outside a house. We just looked at each other and grinned, we had found "the one". I didn't need to see the inside, I didn't care what it looked like, it wouldn't have mattered if it was a flea pit. We just fell in love with the outside and the location.

As it turned out it was a bit dated but it was clean and tidy. We lived there for 5 years, our sons were born there, we only moved because we had to relocate for a job move.

I have been thinking that I will be quite happy to rent for a while rather than buy all in a rush, which is what I did with this one. I want the next purchase to be my final move so I want to get it right.

There will be something out there with my name on it.

Wet and miserable here today but thankfully warm enough to manage without the heating, at least during the day. I have a smart meter and I've become obsessed with monitoring my energy usage. ?.

It's hard to believe that an AC would see their parent's genuine health problems as manipulative isn't it hugshelp, and sad that that has been the focus and all that you did to be there for them, despite how you were feeling, are secondary.

You've certainly been busy, getting ready for the valuation. Buying and selling is stressful, but exciting too. Hope you don't have any problems when you have your booster today.

You're not alone DSL, who would want to be seen out of duty. It's sad but inevitable that the trust has gone but it's still early days and given time, you may find that it gradually returns. I hope so.

One of the accusations aimed at me was emotional blackmail and even though it didn't come from our DS, it has made me a bit wary of saying too much to him. For both of us I think as we tend not to say much about anything in our lives that's bothering us. Bless him, he'd probably be horrified if he knew.

I agree with Allsorts we are all unique Whiff, nothing weird about you from what I can see. It's great that you're getting so much support.

I think Mr. S. and I must be getting very lazy never up before 8.00 unless there's a good reason.

Yogin whether I go to bed at 7.30 as that day I was very tired and knew I would fall asleep on the sofa. I sometimes manage to stay awake until 10 but usually in bed 9-9.30. I am always awake at 5 as I take my first lot of tablets then. So I sit in bed and listen to the radio answer emails etc or read . Then have to take another tablet at 6 and then 7 then I get up. Unless I need to get out early and out of bed by 6. Breakfast at 8 as I have to leave a hours gap from my 7am tablet before I can eat. Have another tablet with my breakfast .

I used to be a night owl in my old house and not get up until 9. But I didn't sleep well. But since moving I sleep well every night and even when I have to go too the loo fall straight asleep.

Since moving my life has changed so much. Ok lost my son and grandson's but have gained such a lot. I live my life to the full no longer exist as I did. Even after my mom died in 2017 and no one was dependent on me anymore. Didn't live a full life.

Moving house was a nightmare never doing that again. But here my days fly by even if I don't go out. I do things here I never thought I could. I have the bungalow just as I want it. Garden is a work in progress but I love being in it.

Healthcare here is so much better. Hence in 2020 found out I was born with a heart defect never knew. Saw my neurologist also in 2020 and then finding out on the 1st after 34 years of being ill and not knowing what was wrong thanks to genetic testing I have a name and I was born with it. Found a group on Facebook with other people with the same condition but not all with the same gene effected. From all over the world and all ages.

Yesterday was out by 9.20 and into the village called a village but really size of town. Did some shopping. Met a friend for a chat. On the way back a church I walk past to get home was having a plant sale so brought 4 plants. Thursday they are having an Easter egg hunt so going to it with my daughter and grandson's. Then craft group on the afternoon.

Tomorrow off to Aldi then making brownies for my craft group. Friday is home so far.

Wednesday is usually exercise class but it's off for 2 weeks for Easter so need to put in extra effort into them at home.

Hugshelp hope you will be ok after your Covid booster today. Just take it easy and rest. My husband only had one nice relative his great aunt Margaret. We used to go too Sunday tea once a month. Bone china cups dainty sandwiches and lots of cake. Her son and daughter never visited her. When the ceiling came down in one of her bedrooms it was my husband who got it repaired and the leaky roof fixed she paid but he got the tradesmen. He son and daughter said they hadn't got time to bother.
My husband only got the family he wanted and deserved when we started courting. Same as my dad when he met my mom.

?

Whiff If you go to bed at 7.30pm what time do you get up?
When I first moved I was going to bed at 9/9.30, now go to bed about 10/10.30. I wake about 5 quite often, but try to stay in bed till just before 6am, then tea calls [cuppa]

Glad you're cracking on too DSL, would be lovely if we both got moved this year.

I've visited lots of older relatives out of duty, and it wasn't always fun, some of them were a tad on the cantankerous side, but like you I couldn't turn my back on family that needs me Whiff Can't believe they left you without a lift. Just appalling behaviour.

Tired out from the DIY now and we have covid boosters tomorrow. Just hoping this one agrees with me better than the last two. I've lost weeks and weeks to side-effects. My body's just blooming awkward.

Allsorts like the sound of unique . It was my mother's brother my husband's uncle. My husband had a sister but she died when she was 12 and he was 5. She was born with a genetic bowel disorder. I only found out after my mother in law died. My husband never knew what she died from as his parents never talked about her. And he didn't remember her. Yet another thing they denied him any memories of his sister. And yet he loved them but didn't like them. Shows what a wonderful man I had.

Whiff, your body is unique to you not weird, none of us are perfect but just as nature intended.
What you did for your MIL, quite frankly was over and above with your health issues and must have taken its toll, you did it because you have a conscience and promised your husband. How could your BIL have left you at that time of night, a widow, to make her own way home. Shame on him and what a hypocrite saying prayers, wonder he wasn't struck down, his words were worth nothing his actions said everything, he was just trying to book his place.
Enjoy your day everyone.

Allsorts we crossed posts. You are right about people visiting parents as a duty. I suppose that's why I looked after my mother in law even though I hated her. She was family and my husband's mom . But I couldn't not take care of her I am not built that way that I can turn my back on family. No matter what his parents did and said to us did my husband ever give up on them. I had 11 years of his mother and her vileness but I couldn't not look after her. Even though she denied she had a son or grandchildren. She had no excuse for her behaviour as she was in control of her facilities until she the last 2 days of her life and she was unconscious. It was me who fought the Dr backed up by the nurses who wanted to move her out of her room because she was dieing. Not her brother and family. I sat by her bedside for 2 days 15 hours a day. Talking to her . As soon as she died he was there with his wife and sister in law saying that prayer Catholics do for the dead. It was 2.30 on a snowy winters morning. And looked me straight in the face and said I'm not giving you a lift home and disappeared. Hospitals are very eerie places to walk through at that time of a morning. Had to go too the maternity entrance as it was the only one open. And stood in the snow waiting for my taxi. That's sums up my husband's family selfish B's the lot of them.

But I glad I was brought up in a loving caring large extended family. My children where to. My husband got everything he was denied from my family. So don't know why my son calls me vindictive and manipulative. He knows me better. But it's his loss and sadly my grandson's . The only family they know are their parents and one nannie. Their other aunt and uncle live in Australia.

We'll need to get up know have a busy day . ❤️ To you all.

Hugshelp I can't believe your son abandoned you after health problems and then an accident. How callous of him . And then to turn it around as if he was the injured party unbelievable.

Funny enough it was my son who went with me to see my neurologist. And if one of my children went with me I always said they should talk freely about how they viewed my illness to any doctor I saw. I have a tendency to play down my problems. Where they are both blunt and to the point like my husband.

I have found and become a member of a closed group on Facebook started by a man who has HK as it's called on there. It's world wide and has 800 members. Some on there have very young children and babies be with it. While terrible I am glad they got diagnosed so young. There are others like me didn't get diagnosed until in their 60's. But genetic testing has come on such a lot in the last 5 years. Covid meant even more money has been put into it.

Like here they are a great support. And am learning a lot and no longer feel alone with my weird body ?.

Spent a couple of hours weeding yesterday cold but sunny. But got very tired so went to bed at 7.30. Turning into my mom . But she was into her 80's before she went to bed between 7.30 and 8. Oh now I am getting old ?. My mom never said she was old just getting older. Best way to be .

Hope everyone feels better in themselves mentally and physically. ?

DSL
I agree with what you say, but I think a huge percentage of people see their parents out of duty. A neighbour has visits from one of her three children most days. Every conversation is about how much they do for her etc. Her husband died and she decided she wasn't going out unless she was with one of them, Woe betide them if she's not includes in everything. Over the years I've seen it time and time again, the duty visits, saying they were doing something else to get out of a situation. Mine never belonged in that category, thats why I'm estranged from one. . There would be so many more lonely people if adult children only visited parents because they wanted their company. I do think that you have a duty not to neglect your parents, mine were great, but if they hadn't I would have had to make sure they were comfortable and not lonely. So even if your son does visit you out of duty, which he probably doesn't, your his mom, he cares for you enough to make sure you're ok. Despite everything that's happened I've always known that, it's just that even that duty is missing from some ac. how can they switch you off as if you never existed, that's the part I couldn't accept, that was unbelievable and couldn't face but now I do. I at times did dread visited a member of my family, everyone did, but we all still went as he had no one.

Some good advice there Whiff about not contacting your son.

I think it's probably best to restrict communication to only matters which have a direct impact on him - such as hereditary illness, and then use an intermediary to inform him. If your son refuses to open or read mail from you or other family members then you dont really have any other options,

It really is quite astonishing that some EACs are so utterly stupid. They are so blinded by rage and full of self righteousness they lose all sense of proportion, robbing themselves of the good sense they were born with

Are they too blind to realise that if they shut down all forms of communication, even to the point of sending back letters unopened, how on earth can they find out about any really important information appertaining to their or their own childrens' health, welfare or well being.

As for EACs seeing their parents or other family members illness as somehow being "manipulative" then I think that attitude is very revealing, it just shows them in their true colours. It demonstrates all too clearly that everything is all about them.

Allsorts.......you mention guilty consciences. I often wonder about this now because I just don't trust my son anymore. Yes I see him and DIL but I constantly find myself questioning his motives. Does he see me because he wants to or because he feels guilty and obliged to do so. I would prefer not to be a duty visit.

If I knew for sure my son was only seeing me because it "was the right thing to do" rather than out of genuine affection I would rather he didn't bother.

So sad isn't it but even though we have managed to reconcile I do feel that our relationship has been irrevocably damaged. I still feel betrayed and I just don't trust either of them any more. I doubt I ever will. I doubt that I will ever be able to feel free and easy with them ever again. I am afraid I will always be guarded now.

Hugshelp....sounds like you are making great progress. ? for you. Exciting. ?. I'm cracking on too.....I'll be a few weeks behind you. Maybe put mine on the market in June. All being well.

I think talking to your neurologist sounds sensible Whiff.. I wouldn't contact my son about any health issues unless a doctor said I needed to. It's interesting that your son estranged you when you were having serious health issues, in the same way mine did after I had a bad accident.

The letter he sent me recently did mention more than once that he felt he was pushed out by everyone because of my illness - which he also sees as manipulative - as though all my health problems and my accident were deliberate to rob him of attention. He seems to think he was neglected because people were helping me. It's not true. I did point out in my reply that despite my ailments I cleaned his flat, did his laundry, took him food parcels etc etc, but clearly that wasn't enough.
Anyway, he hasn't deigned to reply since I asked for specifics and mentioned a few things which might be at odds with what he claims but our DD says he seems much happier now. If telling me what a terrible parent I was makes him happy, well at least I have the weight of worrying about him lifted somewhat.

Cracked on with the DIY today. Hoping to have the last of the jobs done by next week, then just give everything a really good clean and get the house valued. Really looking forward to going to some viewings soon, fingers crossed.

Now I want and easter egg allsorts.

As long as you enjoyed it Allsorts that's what matters.

Your son must have a guilty conscience doing what he did and yet as mothers we still want to do the right thing by them. Think it’s a good idea your asking your neurologist to contact him if it’s required. I have got to the stage now that I never think of contacting my d as know she doesn’t want to be contacted. I am so glad you have answers yourself after so many years not knowing and we all care. I have been very naughty eaten a whole Easter egg I bought for my sister as I won’t be seeing her, it was nice though,?

Allsorts I will talk to my neurologist. There is no point sending my son a letter as he will do what he did in 2020 when he sent everything back all unopened with an abusive letter stating zero contact. If my brother and daughter have got it or are carriers I will ask my neurologist to write to my son.

My brother sent him an email recently my son ignored him .

That makes a lot of sense Allsorts

Good suggestion Allsorts.

Probably just one of the many consequences of estrangement that our EAC never thought of Whiff. making it extremely difficult to pass on what may be very important information about hereditary conditions, not known about before the estrangement happened.

Whiff, there isn’t any point telling your son, he has his children now, no doubt if any of them had any symptoms he would make enquiries. I would ask your consultant straight out about your concerns and only if he said it was advisable to inform him would I do so. If I had to I would just send a letter stating the condition and saying if he needed to do anything here is consultants telephone number, that you had been advised by your consultant to contact him.

Smiles thank you. Hopefully my neurologist will test my brother and daughter and then we will see if either of them have got it or are carriers. I know I got it from my mom as the gene I have shows my my mom was a carrier . That's just given me another question to ask my neurologist if mom was a carrier does it mean either of my grandparents where to?

I can understand you being in a quandary Whiff.

FWIW if it were me I wouldn't tell him anything unless it is or there's a possibility of it being hereditary. If not, then there's no need for him to know.

You wont be telling him because you'll think or hope he cares, but for the sake of his health and the health of your GC and to avoid any miss understanding, I'd put that in a letter too.

I am in quandary. Because I know what my neurological condition is I am torn between wanting to tell my son and saying sod it . He knew I was having further tests on my heart when he decided to dump me as his mom. So if he didn't care then would he care now? Or with he call me vindictive and manipulative again. I won't let him hurt me again.

I know I should wait until I see my neurologist again and get more information. And also know my daughter will say he doesn't deserve to know. He hasn't bother with me in nearly 2 years.

Just writing it down makes me see it clearer. So I will wait. I feel better now. Thanks for being here. ?

Yes they are hugshelp and this one was particularly apt.

My cousin sent me one of those for my birthday smiles. They really are lovely.

We've had a Jacquie Lawson email card today from a very dear friend. It's beautiful and has made our day.