Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

What I've just posted applies to you too DSL and all of us. "do what you believe is right for you because that really is all that matters".

It takes courage to make that leap of faith and I respect you for it because it is not something I could do with our ES. Perhaps if things hadn't gone as far as they have and for as long, I might have felt differently.

9 years is a long time, too long for me to even think that second chances are a possibility and something that Mr. S. literally only came to terms with a few months ago.

There has been contact for you, enough for you to have got to know and love your GC, and enough to see that there's still enough of your relationship with your son and d.i.l. to save. Of course you want to grab that olive branch with both hands, even if there's one or two thorns, if anyone can cope with those, you can.

It does look as if your D's saying things to your GD's PP the mere thought that she is makes me angry on your behalf.

They should be kept out of any issues between their mum and GM, that said it sounds as if you had a great time together which is good to know.

that's a difficult one, whether or not to reply. I felt exactly the same when ES emailed me 2 days after my mum had died. After 7 years of virtual silence and up to that point, if the silence was broken it was done with bitterness, anger and resentment, I didn't feel inclined to reply either but I did.

I didn't want to leave him 'hanging' the way he'd left us. May I suggest that if you do, you keep it very short along the lines of 'I'm fine/OK and no, no longer hibernating' and leave it at that.

I signed off my response simply with 'mum'. Whatever you decide, do what you believe is right for you because that really is all that matters.

Oh dear, Pixie. Sounds like your granddaughters are being fed some pretty nasty stuff, especially the what would they will get when you die bit, that is disconcerting. I would think this is all stemming from what they hear from their parents, not from the girls themselves.

Re the text from your son......mull it over for a while.

It does seem like he wants to offer an olive branch. How you proceed is up to you. Maybe accept it with grace but put your version of the red velvet rope in place. Proceed with caution and protect yourself.

Maybe keep your reply bright and breezy and totally non committal - something along the lines of....."all is good here, we are both very well, thanks for asking".

Don't invite them, don't suggest meeting up. Put the ball back in their court. Don't ask how they are because that requires an answer, so you could maybe just say something vague and innocuous like "hope all is well your end".

Is an apology important to you.

I have decided not to push for either an apology or an explanation. I decided to be magnanimous and accept the olive branch for what it is......hopefully a stepping stone to rebuilding our relationship.

Personally I feel that pushing for an apology from my son and especially my DIL would be counter productive. They would probably get very defensive and It would likely inflame her narcissistic rage. We would be back to square one.

It might seem like I'm copping out and being a doormat but I'm not. I'm just playing it very cool.

I am trying to be "the bigger better person", not stooping to their level and not engaging in silly mind games. Does this mean I'm not hurt, not a bit of it, I'm still wounded by the way I have been so unfairly treated.

I am not sure I can ever really forgive and I certainly won't forget but I'm prepared to let bygones be bygones. I don't bear grudges but it's not my job to give them absolution. We all have to live with our consciences. Mine is clear, I sleep well at night, I don't have to live with remorse or regret. The fault is theirs not mine. They have to live with that.

They are very lucky to have me. If my husband were alive he would most definitely have borne a grudge. Madam wouldn't have had a look in with him.. My husband was a kind and generous man, but you crossed him at your peril. He didn't give second chances, I think my son knows this.

I know some might think I'm being too soft but I am not. I now know what I'm up against, and I won't make the same mistakes again. The boundaries will be firm and at the first sign of trouble the drawbridge will be pulled up.

It's not often in life we get a second chance. I'm taking that second chance, it's a leap of faith but I'm keeping my wits about me. I wont get fooled again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. ?

DerbyshireLass - you are honoured! Yes, maybe they are trying to butter you up.

Whiff - hope all goes well on Tuesday. I need to get along to the drs about these headaches but I think they are just stress with all this carryon with my eldest son.

My daughter’s two lovely girls stayed last night and they are a joy. We painted last night and then this morning they had to be dropped of at the lay-by near to their house. I wanted to cry as I watched them go in the gate. One of them asked why their mam had had a terrible childhood. I didnt realise that she had. Oh and other daft things they kept coming out with. One thing that did upset me a bit was when they asked what they would get when I die!!!! Eh? They are also going to my eldest son’s house this afternoon. I’ll try not to let it get to me.

My youngest son will be calling later on his way home from a weekend with friends at Yorkshire. Hugs and cuddles and he will be gone. I love him to pieces.

This is the text that my eldest son sent on thursday night: “Hi how are you just seeing if you are still in hibernation and thought I would message first”. No apology for that horrible phone call in December. I said to DH I will think about it over the weekend but I still do not feel like even replying to it. He has spoken to me like I am rubbish in the past and it has to end. Infact I feel better not having to deal with him.

An afternoon of painting for me to calm me down. DH busy in his man cave doing god knows what with one of his cars. Oh well, big pants on and carry on.

Hugs to all my lovely friends on this site!

We had a nice evening Whiff and of course the dogs just had to join in. Good idea to get everything written down before your appointment, as it's easy to forget once you get there.

Good grief DSL it's either feast or famine isn't it. You'll just have to take things as they come.

It's a gorgeous day here as well. Looks like spring with a clear blue sky and calm blue sea. Of course it doesn't feel like spring when you go outside, a real nip in the air.

Son and DIL have invited themselves round again today, that's two Sundays In a row. Not quite sure what I've done to deserve the honour.

Am I being buttered up for something. Lol.

Anyway we'll see. Not going to worry about it. It's a gorgeous day so here. Feels like spring has sprung. ?

Purplepixie that's a good age for a cat. All credit to your care and love. Hope you had a nice natter with your neighbour.

Smiles hope you had a lovely meal with Mr S and he whirled you round the house dancing. Made me think of our first dance at our wedding.' Once twice three times a lady' . My husband sang to me while we danced.
Not the most tuneful rendition but full of love.

DerbyshireLass glad you had a lovely time with your son. It's nice working side by side with someone even if it's different tasks.

hugshelp glad you had a nice day out. Can we expect a novel on the bookshelves by you in the future. I think you would be guaranteed some sales. I would buy a copy. ?.

Must sit down and write down when I had the UTI and kidney infections. Plus all the questions I want to be answered. Seeing the urologist Tuesday morning. I like to go prepared.

Have a good day everyone.

So glad you had a lovely day with your youngest son DSL
It has been so good to have some sunshine.

It must be lovely to have cats and dogs. DH and I are both allergic.

We had a lovely day out yesterday to Studley Royal and I was whacked when we got back so I've missed some chat. Cleaning and a writing project has taken most of today up too, but I'll try and slow back down tomorrow.

Cuddles are simply the best aren't they, especially when we're feeling a bit down.

We're so lucky to have our two dogs, our cat and of course one another although it does get rather crowded when Mr. S. and I want a cuddle and the dogs just have to join in, same goes with a dancebut I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sure I was known as 'the mad cat lady' several years ago when I had 5 house cats; just the one now.

That's a very good idea DSL. A fury friend's unconditional love is something to be treasured.

It's best to take your time before replying Purplepixie. I'm not surprised you are still reeling from that dreadful 'phone call. Something like that is not easily got over, if ever.

Another lovely day here today. Looking forward to going out for a Thai meal this evening and then listening to music when we come home, with Mr. S. in his role as 'DJ', he's rather good at it too.

I miss my cat so much. She was 20.5 years old when I had to call the vet out and they euthanised her. I cried for days. She wasn’t cuddly at first but became that way later with age.

Well, I got a text the other night from my eldest son! I will type it out later to see what you all think. I haven’t replied to it yet. To be honest, after that terrible phone call on 20th December, I really cannot stand the thought of even talking to him yet.

Catch up later as we have a neighbour dropping in for a cuppa soon.

DerbyshireLass not a mad cat lady . That is my friend in the Midlands. She had 6 one died but still has 5. People in her road call her the cat lady. Unfortunately it was the one that died that enjoyed cuddles. The others have to be in the mood. They have her well trained.

Allsorts hope you are feeling better today. Cuddles are important. And since Covid think that's what people have missed most. Not being able to cuddle friends and family. I am lucky my grandson's are young so get plenty of cuddles. Mind you the youngest likes patty my face. He only does it to his mom and me. So we feel special. But he can be heavy handed ouch??

When I've moved house and am settled I'm going to get a furry friend. ?. Probably.a cat. I can become the mad cat lady.....lol.

Thank you very much ladies, it does help, sometimes you just need a cuddle. I will have to get a dog.

Whiff what exciting news for you re your condition. Hope your test day goes well. And very wise I think, to get someone else to contact your estranged son for you if there is any possibility the condition can be passed on.

Derbyshirelass Glad you had a lovely day with your younger son. Your self protection plans are wise with regard to your daughter in law. Keep the red velvet rope well in place!1

Make the most of this cease fire DSL and long may it continue.

Allsorts. ?. Hope you feel a little better soon. Smiles is quite right. Please remeber you are not alone. We are your sisters under the skin. ❤️

Well I e had a lovely day. My youngest son came, it was beautiful weather and he used my drive to empty his works van and give it a good tidy out, whilst he was doing that I tackled some weeds and pruned sk e shrubs jn the front garden,

It was lovely working alongside each other in the spring sunshine chattering away. Then I cooked us a slap up brunch.

So nice, easy going and relaxed, hopefully one day I will be able to recapture that with my eldest son and DIL. Doubt it, but at least DIL offered an olive branch which I have gracefully and gratefully accepted. Still no apology of course and no real explanation but I'm not going to push. I'm just glad that hostilities have ceased.

My youngest son advised me to proceed with caution, good advice. . I will be careful, I will maintain the red velvet rope policy and keep things light.

Whiff.... you are so right, life is all about light and shade. We just have to ride out the lows and treasure the highs. Like today spent with my youngest son.....it was just lovely.

And the weather......?. A nice little foretaste of spring.

Smiles you never write gibberish. You've read what I write now thats gibberish. But I'm weird so that me.

Allsorts hope you feel more yourself soon. But if we didn't have down how would we enjoy the good days. Also if life was good all the time then we wouldn't be able to cope with the bad times. ??

Just seen your post Allsorts and sorry you're feeling a bit down today and feel as it it's you against the world. You're not alone, we're here for you and with you.

Busy day yesterday, not really sure where the time went TBH, nothing out of the ordinary, no huge accomplishments.

That sounds like a big break through Whiff. That's the thing with estrangement, there can be so many good and positive things we could share with our EAC but now are unable to do so.

It's our shopping day today but thankfully it's lovely outside, blue and sunny sky and the wind thank goodness has dropped so it will make walking around town much more enjoyable.

Your post along with yours DSL has had me thinking about happiness, how fleeting it can be and how for me, it's so often dependant on others and for that reason can be fleeting and sadly, all too easily lost.

We all talk a lot on this thread about the importance of self worth, which I think is instrumental in being at peace with our selves and having that sense of serenity that you referred too DSL.

I've also been thinking about you saying about being in the eye of the storm Yogin. When there's a tornado, with all the destruction and devastation they cause, the centre is calm, it's relatively quiet and I was thinking about this, and how when the initial shock and pain of estrangement has past, if we can feel some peace, it's like being in the eye of a storm/tornado but in a good way.

All the anger, bitterness and resentment is whirling around us but where we are within ourselves in the centre, remains relatively calm and peaceful, and we can attain this inner peace even though we have lost the person/people through estrangement that were a main source of happiness.

Just read back the last 4 paragraphs of this post and am now wondering if they sound a bit gibberish, so I hope you all understand what I'm trying to convey.

So glad you’re a bit nearer a proper diagnosis Whiff. It must be a relief.
Don’t know why but I’m down today, the sun is shining so I shouldn't be. Feel as if it’s me against the world a bit and I’m a problem to my son as it falls on him. He rings a lot but it’s not the same as contact,you always make time for people you care for, enough moaning, still not dressed and will take myself off somewhere,

Yogin thank you but she wouldn't be able to come in with me due to Covid rules . But to be honest since hospitals only allow people who need a career to stay . The wait times have been shorter to be seen and you can always get a seat. Plus the hospital is a lot quieter. It always amazed me how many people had with them but didn't need them.

I only moved here in August 2019 spent a long time going to hospitals by myself. My daughter talked to my neurologist via the video call I had last month. I watched my grandson's while they talked. I have a tendency to play down how I am when either my son or daughter went with me pre Covid they came in with me to see if they took. Rest of the time went by myself to see different specialists.

Seeing the urologist on Tuesday my referral went in last March.. My daughter is dropping me off as she's got the time. On 7th got an echocardiogram but will go via taxi and bus back. I hate being late so I always have a taxi to go so I am always early. My husband always said both children where born early because of my hating being late.

Glad to see you got your shed roof back on. Are being to feel at home now? Does you little dog like its new home?

Whiff so pleased for you that the doctors have pinned down the problem. All that time, just goes to show the importance of the right doctor. I wish you luck on the test day, hope your DD can go with you.

Wise words Allsorts. Hopefully My3sons will read them and take comfort. As you yourself have been through hell and back with your daughter.

DerbyshireLass when my husband was alive and the children got older I used to say when I die have an autopsy then you can say oh that's what was wrong with mom.

My husband had Keratinconous not spelt right. But it means his cornea grew into a cone shape. When our daughter was 2 he had a cornea graft. You aren't told the donor only it was from someone in Cardiff. But it stopped him going blind in his eye. 30 stitches where used . It's 1 in million it can be past on to the children.

The medical science has improved greatly. I had my first MRI in 1988. It took up a whole room while the machine was huge the tunnel was not . It was pitch black very noisy and a cage was put over my head . It was terrifying. Over the years the machines have gotten small but not the tunnel but they are quieter . Still scare me . Hate small spaces but always stay still and not panic. As they are a really good diagnostic tool.

Don't remember the big freeze as I was born in 1958. But remember Mon talking about people skating on the canals.

We had all the seasons yesterday. Apparently storm Gladys is on its way.

Stay safe everyone.