Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Mysons, Your post is truly upsetting. There is no excuse in the world for the way you have been treated, you needed looking after and support not being cut off, it beggars belief. Please put yourself first, love yourself, how can you trust them again? Alone and not well in a Pandemic, and avoided, it’s dreadful.?
. I am the sort of person who does take a lot for those I love, anything to avoid estrangement, I try to see the bigger picture and know how words are often spoken in anger when someone is stressed and that enabled me to make excuses and allowances time and time again as it was like bereavement,so I fully understand how much you must have suffered. Please start to look after yourself and start to get well and live for you. You are worth so much more, all that attention your mind is giving to them put into getting your life back on tract. I know how it feel to miss gc, but it is really is out of your control. You will always be their grandmother, send them cards. Then get happy show your family how well you are doing despite their treatment of you, then you will start to have faith in yourself and can be happy in a different way.

Comfort, not confirm, lol.

I don't know why because I'm sleeping ok but I'm exhausted today. So just being lazy now. It was so cold out, I was glad to get home. V

Speaking of cold, there is programme on tv tonight about the "Big Freeze" of 1963. Channel 5, 9.00pm, I remember it well. 6 weeks of non stop sub zero temperatures. I shall watch from the confirm of my warm cosy home and thank my lucky stars.

The Asda I visited today is just smallish branch in an average but comfortable surburbs, not the mega one on the other side of the city and certainly not in a deprived area. For the first time ever there I saw a homeless guy huddled by the main entrance. He looked - in my mothers words - "like a poor soul". Wasn't very old either, hard to tell but probably around 30s.

What with that and the awful news about Ukraine, the world seems a gloomy place today. ?

That is good news Whiff, I hope the tests go well and that they find something conclusive.

I know with my husband the worst part was the not knowing, not having a definitive diagnosis, at the time the only way for absolute clarity was to take examine the brain at post mortem,

His condition is now much better understood.

Re "affecting your blood line". We too were to,d that my husbands condition was "most likely" idiopathic rather than genetic, although they couldn't issue a cast iron guarantee.

I console myself with the fact that research is ongoing and that medical science moves forwards in leaps and bounds. Minor miracles do indeed happen every day.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. ??❤️

DerbyshireLass you could never upset me. Hope you Asda trip was successful.

Have had some amazing news well it is to me. I have mentioned I have a neurological condition for 34 years since I was 29. No one has been able to put a name to it. Since moving here the medical care of have had has been second to none. Because of my wonderful new neurologist and 2 tablets I haven't had a seizure in 2 years. It was like a light had been switched off. After suffering with them for the previous 32 years. I spoke to him last month and he was chasing up the genetic tests being done on my blood.

Had a letter today and they have found an abnormality. I quote' It has not previously been described before. Because of this , it is listed as a variant of uncertain significance but I do wonder if it might be relevant.'

He asked me if it was possible to capture on video some of the episodes. Means I would have to come of the tablet but it would be done under medical supervision.

I told my daughter then phoned the hospital and said they can do what they want with me. Just let me know when they want me.

I am not holding any hope that they can put a name to it. But it might help other people . But it's such a relief to know after all these years that what's wrong with me has been proven . Luckily all my GP's and all the neurologists I have seen over the years knew it was a physical condition.

My wonderful neurologist says my brain and body are out of sync.

I have spoken to my brother . There is only 16 months between our ages. We have the same blood group. But he has said if they want to test his blood they can take as much as they want.

Not saying it can effect my blood line but he has a son and 2 daughter's. I have a son and daughter plus 5 grandson's.

I wanted to share the news with 2 people unfortunately my husband is dead he was my rock and stuck with me to the end of his days. And the other is my son. But as he wants zero contact he has it .

But if they do find that it can be past on then I will get my neurologist to contact him as I won't.

Like I said not holding on to any hope they can name it . But am very grateful they are willing to try.

Oops again....I might be in the mood for treating myself to some new slippers. Wow!!

Ah bless you. I thought I'd upset you. Last thing I would want,

I have been procrastinating this Mornjng. I really don't want. To trawl round Asda, hate the place. I'm in desperate need of light bulbs so my son can sort out the lights tomorrow. Asda is closer than B@Q and probably cheaper so needs must. It's cold out there but I need to brave it.

"I am just going outside and maybe some time". ?

(Captain Lawrence Oates, Antarctic Expedition).

I might be

DerbyshireLass don't be silly you didn't upset me. You haven't got a horrible bone in your body. Love reading your posts. They are always full of information and helpful advice .

I didn't mean you think I was jumping on you. I would never do that.

My son made my life easier by zero contact. What your son and daughter in law are putting you through is hell and you don't deserve that.

You have suffered enough in your life. Now you should be enjoying your life the best way you can without your husband. Happily you have a good a support team in the shape of your son and his girlfriend.

I am very sorry if you thought I was having a go at you. Without all of you I wouldn't be as I am now. ?

Oops.....anyway, I'm off to,Asda. Oooh the excitement. ?

Whiff....I am sorry if my post upset you.

I was just suggesting a few ideas which my3sons (and anyone else) might find helpful, drawing on my own experiences and sharing what was worked for me. It was not meant to be prescriptive.

I have found listening to podcasts from respected psychologists, doctors, lawyers, nurses, life coaches, etc very helpful. I was merely passing on my positive experiences and outlining what has helped me. I would not dream of suggesting that everyone else has to adopt my methods or follow my path.

Not everyone can afford private counselling and NHS provision is dire. Some people do not have friends or family they feel able to confide in. Some people are left in a blind alley, with no one to help or turn to.

I see the internet as a very valuable tool and source of information. Whatever you want to learn, the answers are there because someone has shared their knowledge, often for free. Like a library only better.

Please don't jump on me for trying to be helpful. I was merely trying to metaphorically hold up a lantern to help someone see their way out of a dark place.



Any way,

DerbyshireLass happiness and joy to me are the same. I don't need life coaches or the like to tell me how to live my life and what I am feeling is right or wrong.

I know it's helped you and others but I don't want nor need it.

I know who I am and what I feel about things. I don't try and understand what my son and daughter in law have done or why. No point could drive myself batty doing that.

They have done what they wanted and that's cutting me out of their live and my grandson's lives. Plus our side of the family.

Yes I miss my son and grandson's very much. But I miss my husband more .

I suppose because I have zero contact it's easier for me. No will there be a complete estrangement or not for me it's done and dusted .

We all have to find our own way to cope ,we are all different and all need different things. Once you have found a way to suit you it makes life easier .

I found mine wobbles and all.

My3sons123 Wed 23-Feb-22 16:31:51
What a heartless way to be treated by family

"Happiness is an underrated emotion." So true.

Happiness can also be somewhat elusive.

I mentioned Matthew McConnachie. He has a wonderful take on the concept of "Happiness" how difficult it is to attain and how it is even more difficult to hang on to. As he says happiness is by nature ethereal and fleeting whereas joy can be constant and consistent.

Quite often, when I was in the early stages of grief my youngest son would ask me if I was happy. I would answer truthfully. I would say "No, but I am serene and content".

I think serenity and contentment are often dismissed as being somehow inferior to happiness but they have their place. To be content, to be at peace with oneself and to feel serenity is to be comfortable in ones own skin and to have quiet confidence in one's ability to face those "slings and arrows".

I think that's Happiness often relies on external factors and can be easily snatched away from us, whereas I think joy and serenity comes from within so it can be self generated. We can summon up joy. Happiness is much harder.. ?‍♀️?‍♀️

Whoa, a bit deep for a Thursday morning. ??

My3sons.

I woke up thinking about you. I have a few suggestions.

I know I've mentioned counselling but I understand one to one counselling isn't necessarily for everyone. Often friends can be your best counsellors.

I have 3 very close friends who have been my best therapists. We go back years and we can talk about anythjng. All 3 of them have experienced estrangement and their counsel and advice has been invaluable. One is also a widow.

To my thinking I get more value from talking to someone who has direct experience of what I'm going through rather than someone who is just parroting stuff from a textbook.

So here's a few of my tips.

1. I have found the internet to be a wonderful source of help. There is so much content out there. Podcasts are free and there are some brilliant therapists, lifecoaches, motivational speakers who share their stories and who offer sound practical advice.

I can thoroughly recommend Mel Robbins and Tonya Leigh. Mel is really good, a lawyer turned life coach, Tonya is an ex critical care nurse and certified life coach. Both of them are very open about the issues they have faced in their pasts so for me they pass the "they have walked in my shoes test". They are both very empathetic and compassionate. Mels language can be a bit fruity and she is quite brash but she works for me.

2. I also listen to motivational speeches. I can recommend Denzel Washington, (wonderful voice), Matthew McConnachie, and believe it not, Arnold Schwarzenegger. ?. They have all overcome obstacles in their lives and they really are inspirational people.

3. Journalling. I know Smiles has mentioned this too. I do it every day, especially if I wake up feeling anxious. Writing it all down silences that awful internal chatter, frees up head space and helps reprogramme your brain to think healthier thoughts.

4. Meditation. I'm not very good at it, instead I practice mindfulness. I find working with my hands helps facilitate mindfulness, getting into a state of flow. The act of performing tasks where I use my hands help me relax and silences the brain whirr. Gardening, simple diy, arts and crafts, baking, even housework can all be very therapeutic. You get into the flow and switch off all that negative internal chatter.

4. Exercise. Even if it's just a few simple yoga type stretches. Try and build some simple exercise into your day. It will really help.

If imthink if anything else I'll get back to you. Now it's to practise what I preach. Starting with exercise.....

?❤️




I

My3sons it's only since I moved here have I been able to babysit my daughter's son's. I have looked after the youngest since May until January when his brothers swimming lesson changed because of his age from a Friday until Saturday. My youngest grandson was 1 in November. I would go have playtime and then lunch. My daughter and grandson would be away for about hour and quarter. I used to give my grandson his bottle and he would fall asleep in my arms. You can guarantee I would doze off as well while holding him. But my daughter and son in law never held it against me and never stopped using me to babysit. They knew he was safe with me and I would never let him get hurt. I have babysat his brother who is now 4 for hours by myself especially while my daughter was pregnant and had lot of hospital appointments. I looked after him at their house or my bungalow. I will be having him here next Friday as my daughter needs to take his brother for an appointment.

Even though I don't babysit every week now but still do when they need me . I see them every week they come here.

My son and daughter in law never left me alone in a room with their eldest 2 let alone babysat. I like I have said because I lived so far away I was just happy to be with them when they visited me or I came up here. My son and grandson's came every week from when I moved here August 2019 until March 2020 then Covid hit. I never was allowed to even change a nappy.

Since living here I noticed the vast difference between what how much both couples trusted me with my grandson's. My daughter and son in law trust me to do everything my grandson's need . But it's plain my son and my daughter in law never trusted me with my grandson's. Why I will never know.

I have health problems . Neurological condition which effects my 4 limbs. But the only thing I would never do with any of my grandson's was carry the up or down stairs. I didn't feel safe enough to do that. Which is odd really . As I got ill when my son was 6 months old but still carried him up and down stairs.

When you are a mom you just get on with things especially don't worry so much with your second child. As you know what you are doing. But with my grandson's I worry more. I suppose because they aren't your children .

After reading everyone's posts and all the hoops you are having to jump through I am glad I have zero contact as my son wants. I think in the end I would just crack and lose my temper I had enough being treated like crap by my in laws to last me a life time.

DerbyshireLass glad you got your tooth fixed. But for me my grief for my husband never ends what my son and daughter in law have done pales in comparison to how I feel everyday without the other half of me. I have felt the same way for 18 years now and don't expect to ever change. What my son and daughter in law have done hasn't broken my heart as it was already broken . I was bent for a while but with everyone's help back standing straight. What they have done is because it's what they wanted I have done nothing to hurt them in anyway. I know what my son wrote in his email and letter. But it was lies,re writing family history and he doesn't know how I reacted to things that happened. He assumes but he never asked. Because he doesn't want the truth . Both my son and daughter in law have cast me in the role of the the evil mother, mother in law and grandmother. I hope they are happy living in their perfect world. But they forget before they threw my away I know all the mistakes they made with my grandson's and all the mistakes they made before they had them.

I never gave advise unless asked. Some of the things they did before having the boys I knew would end in disaster and when they did never said I knew that would happen.

My daughter in law's mother lives with them . I always got on well with her . She must be frightened to put a foot wrong or she will be out on her ear .

I am proud of the fact I put my own roof over my head and food on my plate. I would never live with my daughter and son in law. Yes I have stayed when having work done on my bungalow but that was only temporary . My mom lived with me the last 18 months if her life. I never wanted either of my children to go what I did.

I am doing everything I can to keep healthy in mind and body . But if I have to go into a home I will. I will never be a burden to my daughter.

I never expect to hear from my son again. I have wobbles. But I am a realist. I won't live my life with what if's.

But as I said before where I used to live I existed. Since moving I live my life to the full. I am happy. And happiness is an under rated emotion.

Hello My3sons123

I read your post earlier this afternoon and have been mulling it over, trying to look at it from both sides. You have admitted you have made mistakes. That's ok, we're all human, we all make mistakes. The important thing is you have the self awareness to be able to own them. And that's half the battle won.

But it is truly not all on you, Your son and DIL have made mistakes too by overreacting and having no understanding of your emotional turmoil and suffering.

To be fair to them....how could they, they are not walking in your shoes. At the time it all started they were young and inexperienced parents trying to find their own path. It doesn't excuse their behaviour towards you, but it does go some way towards explaining it.

What is needed here to mend the rift is compassion and understanding, tolerance and forgiveness - from all parties.

Both Smiles and Madgran have given you really sound practical advice, there's not much I can add.

So I'll ask more questions.......

1. How do you feel now, Do you still feel like a hot mess sometimes, (you dont need to answer on here, but you do need to ask yourself). And there is no shame if you do, you have been through an enormous amount of stress, grief and loss. You can't just wave a magic wand and make it all disappear. So if you're still not feeling emotionally strong and stable, dont beat yourself up, accept it, own it, and take steps to heal.

2. Have you had any bereavement counselling, if not, do you think it might help. Covid will not have helped. You have doubtless had long periods of semi isolation and haven't been able to spend time with friends, family, and doing all the usual things that help us through bereavement. 3 years is not long at all. I have been widowed 7.5 years and it's only now that I feel the worst of the grief is over.

I liken grief to a series of tsunamis, the first waves overwhelm you. Gradually the waves become smaller and less frequent and you learn to ride them. But it takes time. And, if my advice is to be of any use to you, I have to be honest and tell you, the grief of losing the love of your life never goes away, not really.

You do eventually learn to live with it, but you are never quite "whole" again. I know people who have been fortunate enough to find love again who freely admit that they still carry a piece of their lost love in their hearts, they still have the "odd moment". And that's how it should be, Having said that there will come a time when you can look back with fondness and affection, when the pain becomes less raw and when you start to feel ready to live again.

So my advice is, before you do anything else, you have to learn to forgive yourself, to love yourself. You cannot expect others to forgive you if you can't forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, but we learn from them and we do better next time.

Now getting back to the issues with your son and DIL. I can't really expand on Madgrans post. It's so wise and compassionate, and I think she offers some great strategies for you to move forward.

I agree wholeheartedly that what you have to do now is to demonstrate to your son and DIL that you are now much calmer (but only if you genuinely are). If your moods are still volatile then please don't pretend all is well when it isn't. You need to take ownership and do the necessary work to heal your emotional psyche. Get professional help if necessary.

I would suggest you stop asking for regular contact, phone calls etc. it's counter productive. Insisting on regular contact is most likely to be construed as controlling and/or demanding behaviour. You have to let them set the pace.

Same with "popping in". I know that in some families this is seen as perfectly acceptable but if it upsets your son and DIL then don't do it. Accept their boundaries and respect their privacy. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the truth is some people are just not comfortable with being taken by surprise.

Maybe Mimi does it but then she is your DILs mother and you are the MIL Yes it's grossly unfair but the truth is the maternal grandmother will almost always be allowed more leeway and will always be closer to the daughter. I'm afraid It's the price we pay for being the mother of sons. We just have to suck it up, get over it and move on.

I agree, under such circumstances, it's hard to feel left out and feeling aggrieved is entirely normal but please don't allow feelings of jealousy to spoil the time that you do have with your GC. When they prattle on about Mimi it's done out of innocence and excitement, not spite. Dont make them feel bad for loving Mimi and wanting to talk about her, don't make them think they can't share things with you for fear of upsetting you.

By all means rant and rave and punch the cushions when you get home, but when the children want to talk to you about Mimi, let them. Be happy for them and share their happiness. Don't be the grumpy grandma, be the happy, fun one. One day they will be telling Mimi all about you and all the fun times they have with you.

I think inviting your son and DIL round for tea is an excellent idea. Or, if you think that it might be better on neutral ground then meet up in a cafe somewhere, somewhere where they do a nice afternoon tea. And you pay the bill.?. Your son and DIL might feel easier meeting on neutral territory in a public place. Their rationale being it's a public place so mum won't have a melt down, She won't embarrass us in public.

And if you do meet up and it gets a bit "testy" then please keep a tight rein on your emotions. Just stay calm and focussed on the task in hand, ie repairing fences. If the meeting starts getting too hot to handle then just cut the session short, making sure you end on an upbeat and positive high note, and making a graceful exit. Keep the tears and rage until you get home.

If they see you can keep calm and conduct yourself with grace and dignity they will be more inclined to take you back into the fold. If you continue to let your emotions take control they will conclude you are still an unstable hot mess and that dealing with you is just too difficult. And yes, they will want to keep you away from the children .

In all fairness to your son and DIL you can't really blame them for wanting to protect their children from unpleasant scenes and crying/shouting matches. I'm sure you would do the same if you were in their shoes,

Please do not take what I have said as criticism, it's not, because I can empathise with you. You have been through so much. So much grief and loss is unbearable but you have come through it. You have proved your strength and resilience, you are stronger than you think.

It's ok to be feel strong emotions but sometimes we really do have to chose the moment when we can allow them full expression and when we need to reign them.

I do think it's going to be a case of baby steps, there's some serious fence mending required. Winning over your son and DIL and regaining their trust may take a while. Be patient and play the long game. You are not estranged, the channels of communication are still open, you still have some limited contact. Your situation is brighter than you might think,

All is not lost, your grandchildren are still young, still just babies really. You still have time to get to know them again and for them to get to know you.

Just keep the channels of communication open and offer an olive branch (without thorns!!!). No strings, no demands. What you are aiming for is nice easy times together. The relationship with you son and DIL might never be quite as close as you would like but as long as you keep things bright and breezy you should be able to rebuild it into something worthwhile.

I keep thinking about this My3sons and what I'm finding very difficult to get my head around is the fact that the incident with you falling asleep was 2.5 years ago, so what started out as concern for their child seems to have got out of all proportion.

I wonder what they thought you might be able to do to "fix" yourself when surely what you all needed was mutual love and support.

Glad you got sorted DSL.

Oh dear PP - I must confess I'd go to some lengths to eat chocolate.

Oh dear mysons123 you have been through the mill and it seems such a shame the way things have fallen further and further apart. Your family really didn't make much allowance for your grieving process.

If this started as concern for the Grandchild because they thought you weren't coping and has somehow deteriorated into a huge breakdown in communication, that's such a shame. But they do seem to be inviting you over from time to time. I would say there is still hope that this will become more frequent. With luck, the more you try and enjoy the visits you do have and be patient with the Grandchildren, the more they will want to come to you and the more you will get invited.
Try and enjoy the interactions with all the family too, infrequent though they may be, and find things that give you pleasure when you are apart that will give you lots of interesting things to talk about when you go.
I'm not sure what else to suggest.
I'm sorry for your losses.

A morning doing repairs and a walk this afternoon. The day has flown for me. Have a good night all.

Smileless That said, IMO they should have dealt with this in a calmer more measured way, facilitating contact with themselves and your GC without leaving him/her in your sole charge. To have 'dug their heals in' and continue to do so when 3 months after this incident you lost your brother, a mere 10 months after losing your H is ...... well TBH I cannot find the words. Have they ever explained why their intransigence continues? Have there been any further conversations/explanations forthcoming? Have you tried to talk to them about this?

I too am shocked Smileless particularly regarding not facilitating family contact.

We are both wondering why there appears to have been no facilitation of further conversations etc. either

We both clearly have empathy with you ^Mysons123

I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years and 3 months ago in a tragic accident

My3sons I am so sorry about your husband, what a dreadful shock for you and so very very hard to deal with. I hope that you have been able to have bereavement counselling as it truly does help many to work through the maelstrom of emotions that one is faced with when bereaved, added to when the bereavement is sudden and traumatic.

Then approx 7 months later I showed up on my usual Tues morning to watch my GS as I had done for the previous 2 years.

Presumably you carried on doing this almost immediately after your husband died? I imagine that if you did, you will have found that day with your grandchild a welcome distraction from the pain of your bereavement, perhaps?

I immediately knew something was off when I saw my DiL and son sitting at the table and no sign of my GS. They got right to the point and told me they didn't think it was a good idea for me to watch GS any longer. They felt I needed to take some time and fix myself. I believe what prompted this was an evening of babysitting the week prior when my son came home from work and I had fallen asleep on the sofa while watching a movie with my grandson. Perhaps there were other reasons but that is the concern they shared with me

I am surmising that your grandson would have been between 2 and 3 maybe when this happened? Or maybe a little younger. I imagine that with such a young child, your son and DIL might well be concerned that he was basically "unsupervised" when you fell asleep, as there are so many things that can happen with that age group, who have very little sense of danger. I think you are probably right that maybe some concerns had been building but it seems that the sleeping may have been the "last straw" regarding their concerns about their young sons safety

They told me it was only temporary blah blah blah but its only gotten worse since that day. I admit I was an emotional wreck and carried on in a not very mature fashion at moments, alternately pleading with them not to do this to me, then lashing out in anger

I assume that when you said you had apologised, in an earlier post, you were referring to apologising for your behaviours as described above? It does seem from what you say that no calm conversation has taken place and that there has been a complete breakdown in communication. That is very sad for all of you. .

In the end they dug their heels in deeper and concluded I was a hot mess and have kept me at safe distance since.

I am sure that with your very sad and very difficult 2nd bereavement with your brother, the chances of a calm conversation would have been even less and I think your son and DIL would have been even more worried about potential outbursts and upset in front of their children. How long after that initial discussion did they "keep you at a safe distance all the time"? It seems that this is their way of dealing with your obvious and very understandable emotion and of keeping their children away from that too.

I am wondering if there has ever been an opportunity, instigated by either you or them, to talk again calmly just adults together, about what has happened and about what each of you wants going forward? Do they really just want to cut you off permanently or is it stemming from a fear of what might happen in front of their children? Have you been able to explain calmly to them how you are now, how you are coping etc. I am not sure whether you can honestly say that you feel capable of/ready to look after your grandchildren, but at the moment the priority would just be to demonstrate to your son and DIL that you are calmer to be around, and that a visit won't turn into a "mess"

I have asked for but do not get regular phone calls with them or my GS. I am not allowed to pop in I must wait to be invited.

To be honest this suggests an avoidance of the potential "mess" if they fear emotional and angry outbursts possibly in front of the grandchildren. Unless you can demonstrate that you will be calmer then nothing is likely to move forward. Could you text your son and ask for a chat, just the two of you or just the adults (presumably Mimi could look after the GC) Invite them over, give them tea and cake. If you are able to, tell them that you understand their decisions have been based on protecting their children, that you know you have been an emotional mess because of your shocking bereavements. Tell them that you understand that they do not feel able to let you look after the GC but that it would be so lovely to have some more normal family times together, maybe they could all come for lunch or you could meet at a park ...??

I have had friends and family tell me to write them off. But I cant. I literally jump at any offer to see my GS.

On the basis of the information you have given I do not think it is the time to "write them off". It seems that there has been a major breakdown in communication and to be honest they have apparently not dealt with this painful situation very well either. I am amazed that your son has apparently not come over to talk to you, with the awful bereavements that you have been dealing with.

However you are all where you are now, and if you want things to move forward I think your focus needs to be totally on showing them that you are able to enjoy family time without emotional outbursts and anger. (however understandable those might be!)

You appear to be focusing on missing your Grandson, jumping at the chance to see him, and to get to know your little granddaughter. Focusing on more normal family time with the whole family is likely to be more productive for you in moving things forward from the present "stalemate"

You also appear to be worrying about Mimi seeing them so much but that is almost inevitable isn't it, and is not actually related to the problems that you are experiencing with your son and family, unless there are other details that you have not mentioned regarding Mimi.

All of the above is kindly meant Mysons123 and I hope that you can consider the perspectives that I have presented and that others will I am sure offer, and find a way for you to move forward with your family.

I'm shocked My3sons. I have been posting on the support thread and other estrangement threads for nearly 9 years, and this is one of the most shocking things I have ever read.

I can understand them being concerned that you'd fallen asleep when looking after your GC, but the way it was expressed was so grossly insensitive, it beggars belief.

7 months after losing your husband so shockingly, of course you'd have been unable to deal with this blow in a calmer. more measured way.

That said, IMO they should have dealt with this in a calmer more measured way, facilitating contact with themselves and your GC without leaving him/her in your sole charge.

To have 'dug their heals in' and continue to do so when 3 months after this incident you lost your brother, a mere 10 months after losing your H is ...... well TBH I cannot find the words.

Have they ever explained why their intransigence continues? Have there been any further conversations/explanations forthcoming? Have you tried to talk to them about this?

Of course you want to see your GC whenever you can, there's nothing to be gained in 'writing them off' while this is still happening, even though it's infrequent.

I'm sorry but I really don't know what to offer by way of advice, accept to say to make the most of the time you do get to see them and to begin to accept that unless they have a change of heart, there is nothing you can do.

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh, it isn't intended to be but one of the hardest lessons we all have to learn is that the solution is not in our hands it's in theirs and only if they are willing or able to see that their behaviour is wrong.

DerbyshireLass

My3 sons......

I went back to yiur first thread to refresh my memory about yiur situation. Like me you are a widow and like me you also lost close family members in quick succession, your husband, your parents and your brother. So much grief and sorrow, no wonder you are struggling.

Add the difficulties you are experiencing with yiur DIL and it's no wonder you are feeling so low.

Can I just ask.......how long ago did you lose your husband and family. Also how long is it since you have seen your skn and DIL. You say you are not fully estranged but living in limbo, not knowing when you will see them again. That at least is a positive, the door is still open......

I would also strongly advise you not to ask anyone to intervene on your behalf. Do not involve your other children in this matter and do not approach your DILs. Mother.

Please please do not involve any third parties, it will only enrage your DIL and make matters a thousand times worse. It may be possible to heal the rift but it will take time and patience and yes probably a lot of effort on your part. But the good thing is you are not estranged. There is hope.

You have an awful,lot of your plate, simply working through your grief will be painful and you will be left feeling drained and exhausted, lost and helpless. It's not for everyine but have yiu thought about grief counselling or joining a bereavement group. Covid is easing uo now, is there something in your area.

Re trying to re-establish a relationship with your DIL. I'm assuming here that you haven't yet been given a no contact demand.

How long is it since you have been in contact, what was it like, was there an argument or upset or was it ok ish and it's just been a long time. Are you currently on the receiving end of the silent treatment,

If you do want to try and make contact are you ready for the work, do you feel are strong enough to cope with being rejected if she stonewalls you.

Obviously someone has to make the first move. It might be better to leave the ball in her court and let her be the one to initiate contact, on the other hand you could perhaps just try a simple text. The recent storms are a good excuse.

You could try Just a simple text message message to say something like "hope you are all ok, and you haven't had any storm damage". No questions which require an answer or which could be seen as demanding a response. That way she won't feel pressured.

Just a simple message to basically say hope all is well and leave it at that. Don't follow up with further messages, you don't want to be accused of stalking.

But whatever you do, do not attempt to enlist the help of other family members. This has to be just between you and your DIL.

Still cold and miserable here.

I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years and 3 months ago in a tragic accident. Then approx 7 months later i showed up on my usual Tues morning to watch my GS as i had done for the previous 2 years. I immediately knew something was off when i saw my DiL and son sitting at the table and no sign of my GS. They got right to the point and told me they didnt think it was a good idea for me to watch GS any longer. They felt i needed to take some time and fix myself. I believe what prompted this was an evening of babysitting the week prior when my son came home from work and i had fallen asleep on the sofa while watching a movie with my grandson. Perhaps there were other reasons but that is the concern they shared with me. I was shocked and didnt know what to say or so and knew i was going to lose my composure so without saying a word and tears welling up I stood up, and left to make the hour long drive back home. I cried the entire way and for months after if im honest. They told me it was only temporary blah blah blah but its only gotten worse since that day. I admit i was an emotional wreck and carried on in a not very mature fashion at moments, alternately pleading with them not to do this to me, then lashing out in anger. In the end they dug their heels in deeper and concluded i was a hot mess and have kept me at safe distance since. I have asked for but do not get regular phone calls with them or my GS. I am not allowed to pop in i must wait to be invited. My GS no longer remembers those days together. They have another child now a 1 year old daughter who i barely know. She wont even come to me when i visit now. But both children go on and on about Mimi their other GM who they see all the time. Its heart wrenching. I have had friends and family tell me to write them off. But i cant. I literally jump at any offer to see my GS.
Thank you all for reading my posts and offering words of advice and support. I never imagined this is how it would be when i had grandchildren. My own children had frequent contact with both sets of grandparents. I was especially close to my own parents as were my children. Oh and to continue the timeline, my younger brother who was literally prob my best friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 3 months after my babysitting the GS was abruptly cut off which would have been about 10 months after losing my husband.

Good news DSL aka ~ Hollwood Smile.

Yes, you'll need to be careful and give it time to set. Like so many, I hate going to the dentist but do so every 6 months, one visit to the dentist and one to the hygienist.

I have a restricted jaw which means I can't open my mouth as wide as most and, which for some reason Mr. S. finds highly amusing, a small mouth.

Oh dear, that is rather desperate PP, but melted chocolate is rather delish, even if you can manage to eat it without having to melt it.

I'm glad your d.i.l. responded to your text. These little displays of civility can make such a difference in these situations.

Great news DerbyshireLass. I have to make up my mind about two teeth that have broke in the last few weeks. They have been temporary fixed but I still daren’t eat anything hard. Honestly DH sits chomping on apples etc and I could scream. Also last night he had some toffee. Arghghgh!!!! I would never dare eat toffee and the last piece of chocolate that I had - well that was comical. I just sucked it to death! Then one day I actually got a bar of chocolate and put it in the microwave and spoon fed myself it. Desperate!

It’s my grand sons 16th birthday today. I did text my DIL to ask her to give him a hug from me and the fact that his card, cash and some brownies will be delivered today. She did text back which I am grateful for. No mention of my eldest son from her. I have since checked and the card etc were delivered this morning. Thank goodness.

One of my friends is going to phone this afternoon and then back to knitting my dog blankets.

I hope you are all ok and staying well. Take care.

Good news.....dentist managed to reattach my crown. Need to be extra careful for a while until it really "sets" so it's soups, yogurts amd soft baby mush type foods today. . No nice juicy steaks alas. lol.

I do need mega amounts of dental work pretty soonish but I'm trying to hold out until after I've moved house. One lot of stress at a time.

Anyway hopefully she's done a good job and it will hold for a bitlonger.

#Hollywood Smile.

I wish??

Hope you are all well. Feel a bit pulled about, poked and prodded now so just going to have an easy day. Bright and sunny but still a cold wind. Too cold for gardening. .