Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I think Smiles is right, maybe say nothing and yes, lower your expectations

My mum sometimes used to say "If you expect nothing then you won't be disappointed when nothing comes!"

It is something I have kept in mind in some relationships where expectations lead to endless disappointments, and although "no disappointment" is not always the case, it can be a helpful approach.

Yogin thank you but I have lived with it since I was 29. 34 years now. It's just annoys the hell out of me when it flares and stops me doing what I want. But it's nearly back to its normal level. But I know a lot of people worse off than me. People a lot younger who have suffered all their lives. But they just get on with things. The old saying is true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger . And it's certainly true of all the Warrior Queens here . Glad you accepted a quote for the doors it will be lovely in the summer.

DerbyshireLass good to see you back on form and got a plan to work to. I always like to plan ahead drives me mad if my body stops me doing what I want to. I am like a bear with a sore head the. Grr ?.

Good Morning everyone.

Hello Bohemian, so sorry to read your story. That is so cruel. You have very right to feel hurt. Your daughters' comments were harsh, callous and so unnecessary.

I think Smiles is right, maybe say nothing and yes, lower your expectations. So unfair I know. Whether you say something or not is a difficult one. You might feel better if you did but then you risk estrangement again. How would that feel. Only you know whether or not you want to go down that route again. Maybe a dignified silence would be better, but only if you can avoid harbouring resentment.

It is hard. It was my 70th last year. My DIL did the exact opposite of what your family did. She went overboard, bouquet and champagne through the post, elaborate birthday cake. But here's the thing it was all meaningless, just done for show, so that she could bask in glory at being seen to be generous. It was just grandiosity, playing to the gallery. It's what grandiose narcs do, my father used to do exactly the same,

But it means nothing, because when the show is over, they go back to tormenting you, being mean and spiteful, devaluing you and treating you like dirt. That is my reality, not the false "happy families" Instagram version that she posts on social media.

PF. Glad to "see"you, hope you feel better today. Hope we all do.

Whiff.....great plan to really explore your new neighbourhood. . You will have to tell us all about your adventures.

One thing I have learned is that I have been sadly neglecting myself and my overall well being has suffered, resulting in lots of minor health niggles, latest being a skin infection. So now the plan is to really put the effort in. Eating well, rest, exercise and better skin care, and more importantly, concentrating on my emotional health. No more fretting and worrying.

Yesterday, it was cold and miserable here so rather than sit around moping and taking refuge in Netflix and comfort eating, I finally set to and started reupholstering my dining chairs. A job I have been putting off for months. I do have a touch of arthritis in my hands so I will have to pace myself and not go at it bull at a gate, but it felt good to make a start. I do find that doing manual work such as gardening, diy etc is very therapeutic, it seems to help stop the brain whirl and reduce stress.

I need to start doing more and thinking less. ?

?❤️ to all.

Petit }}}Hugs{{{

Hugs As you say, you couldn't repeat that act if you tried, lol

Bohemian Very thoughtless of your Ds and unkind as they know you know the fuss made of their dad. Don't mention it as such, but say it in a subtle way that you felt hurt & unloved by them.

Sorry you're in pain Whiff must be awful to have to live with that. I've got a very painful bicep, from the move & trying to open that darn door! Just accepted a quote for my patio doors to be fitted, just waiting for a date, can't wait

Open those chocolates Smiles as the saying goes; A little bit of what you fancy does you good

hugshelp good aim. Hopefully they will dry out. Because my brain and body are out of sync as my neurologist calls it. I think I am holding on to a mug next thing I know more broken crockery. But the worst is twice over the last year dropped a hot cup of blackcurrant and blueberry tea on my plain grey carpet. Thank goodness for Dr Beckman.

This year my plan is to do all the exploring I was going to do in 2020 but Covid put a hold on it. The bungalow is all finished . The garden is an on going project. So have decided to take 2 days a week for going places. Well that's the plan.

Giving my boots a try out tomorrow my daughter has asked if I want to go to the garden centre with them. Love a garden centre. No doubt I will come back with a plant or 2 for the garden.

Hope everyone is feeling more themselves today. Take care of yourselves.

Sending a hug PF

New walking boots sound like a lovely thing to enjoy whiff. I love my walking boots, though I managed to drop my cup of coffee in one this morning. It landed smack in the top and emptied itself into the boot. Couldn't do that again if I tried.

That's so unkind to you bohemian - It's horrible to feel pushed out by people you care about.

boheminan that was so cruel to treat you that way especially twice for 2 special birthdays. Glad you felt able to tell your story. I hope all of us can help you in anyway we can. You are not alone anymore. Unfortunately you are now a member of a club none of us thought we would join. But there is strength in numbers .

As much as you are hurting like Smiles says only you can decide if you want to say something . But do you want to give them the opportunity to hurt you more than you are already.

My son made it easy for me he wanted zero contact he has that. I won't let him hurt me anymore. An email and letter with returned cards and gifts all unopened was enough for me. As much as I miss him and my grandson's. I will not give him the power to hurt me.

We all have our limits of how much hurt we can take. You have to decide what yours are. ?

PF it's good to know that you're with us. Sometimes lurking is all we can manage but that's OK. You're bound to be feeling a bit low and vulnerable. Hope this BIG (((hug))) helps x

Glad you're not feel wobbly today Whiff but sorry you're in pain, even when you can cope with it, it's not nice to have to go through it.

That's so cruel boheminan, even if that's how they feel why tell you?.

Of course you are not being unreasonable by being hurt by this obvious favouritism. Only you can decide if you should say something, but judging by what happened 10 years ago and the result, if you don't want to risk that happening again, all you can do is keep quiet.

I understand that this makes you feel worthless but it's them who are at fault, not you. I hope you'll be able to see that. One way of trying to cope is too drastically reduce your expectations, or have none at all.

Why on earth anyone should have no expectations of their children is beyond me, but sometimes it's the only way we can protect ourselves.

I know these are late, but for your 70th and
.

My three DD's show so much favouritism towards their father (he left me for the woman he now lives with). He was the one with the money and new life. As children, when DD's visited him/her they were spoilt with whatever they wanted. He left me in poverty. DD's always lavish gifts on their father, giving him treatment I don't get. They've told me that they see her as a better mother than me.

What initiated our estrangement was that for my 60th birthday DD's came for a couple of hours, took me to a restaurant for a meal, left early to return home for the night (no presents, the meal was my present). On their father's 60th it was on Facebook - the family (spouses and grandchildren) went to a hotel for a long weekend, where he and partner were treated to meals and outings. I was hurt and told them how I felt. They retaliated by cutting me out. This estrangement lasted many years until gradually we began to reunite, with the exception of my eldest DD who remains wary. This weekend is 10 years on and the same thing has happened.

For my 70th, I was living on my own, two DD's walked me to the pub round the corner for a meal (pre-covid). The other daughter was too busy to come. This weekend (fathers 70th) they've all gone for a weekend away. This hurts so much. It's not the money that's spent, it's the time and effort that obviously goes into arranging these treats. I feel I'm not worth doing anything for. AIBU to feel like this? should I carry on as if it's all fine by me? I really want to avoid another nuclear fall-out...

Thank not wobbly today. Pain levels bit better but I am used to pain.

Allsorts the week you have had you deserve some treats. Just enjoy them. And start healthy eating once you feel you want to.

Yogin glad you are settling in and got some new furniture. And making plans for work to be done. I was amazed at all the things and colours nowadays. After living in the same house for 34 years and nothing been done apart from maintenance after my husband died. It was lovely to make the bungalow mine.

Smiles it's freezing here today and the sea must be choppy. I keep forgetting I live close to it sadly no buses to it. But had my new walking boots arrive today. There is a country park within walking distance which I intend to explore.

PetitFromage nice to hear from you. Feeling low and vulnerable is only to be expected. Just take your time and take good care of yourself.?

Just wanted to say hello and thank you for the condolences and kindness. Feeling a bit low and vulnerable at present, so am lurking rather than participating, but cheering you all on from the sidelines! xx

Me too Whiff. We have two boxes of chocs left over from Christmas and as long as they remain unopened, I can resist.

You can be happy again Allsorts and you will be. You're setting yourself free from being dragged down and controlled by what's happened and you're heading toward that light at the end of the dark tunnel you've been in.

That sounds lovely Yogin. Patio doors will be great, and being mortgage free now means you can get things just the way you want them.

Bitter cold winds here today, the sea is grey and choppy. One of those days when you really appreciate the warmth and comfort of your home.

Lovely poem Whiff Hope you're feeling more upbeat today.

Thank you Smiles I'm very glad to have lovely Thorp Bay beach & Southchurch Park on my doorstep. Not happy to have no view out of my bedroom window onto a lovely tree with birds and very happy to have no mortgage. Getting quotes to have patio doors fitted and kitchen now sorted with new kitchen table & chairs [lovely dinning table still out in the garden!]

We all think what if, truth is there nothing you can do if someone has marked your card. Just how we deal with it, taken me too long to find that out, but know now and things will be fine, different and not the outcome I ever envisaged, but I really think once you accept things you can be happy again. At least we know all of us they are living their lives how they want. We are just not part of it.
I’m afraid somehow this last week despite my healthy eating, I’ve gained weight. A couple of wines not too bad, but I always have to have a little chocolate it makes me feel better, I think that’s a medical fact.?
So sad about your friend Whiff. Hopefully it will be curable.

Sadly Smiles don't buy chocolate as I have no stop where it's concerned and still trying to lose weight.

Oh yes you're right hugshelp they did have a camper van; maybe we should adopt their song.

That sounds lovely Whiff especially if you add a flake.

Sounds nice Whiff . I think I'll try that too!

Madgran I don't drink but will have nice hot chocolate made with coconut milk. Yum. ☕??

I now have a picture of us all as Weebles and that song, 'Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.' in my head. I remember them clearly smiles - I think they had a campervan too. I can picture us all singing away. Well, I'm about the right shape...

Oooh thanks Madgran I will x

Have all of them Smileless. AND 2 wines!!

My most vivid memory of those Whiff was when DS threw one across the room and hit Mr. S. on the head. They were heavily weighted weren't they, and he said it almost knocked him out!! Still makes me chuckle as DS was only about 3 at the time.

TBH when we were having some difficult conversations with our ES prior to our estrangement, that was not something we avoided. We really believed that our relationship was strong enough to be honest and for 27 years it had been.

It never crossed our minds that he would estrange us, and 9 years later it is still hard to believe that its happened.

I'm glad you've posted that Madgran. There have been times when I've wondered if we'd done somethings differently, that this would never have happened, even though I know in my heart that it would have happened regardless.

She wanted us out, so out we went.

I'll take the , in fact I'll go and pour myself one now.

we are accused, judged and condemned without even being given the opportunity to defend ourselves

At an earlier stage in the process I think sometimes the "chance to explain/defend" is avoided by "the accused" because of that old chestnut of "eggshell walking ...trying to avoid the finality of estrangement which is quite likely to come anyway!

I am sorry that so many are feeling down at the moment. Not the most cheerful time of year anyway which just adds to the pain and worry and heartache! and and to all of you - and if you don't drink wine then just a "little bit of what you fancy" as my Nana used to say!

Smiles I remember those toys . Yes it is like us all. We take the knocks wobble and back up again.

Allsorts so glad you feel a sense of relief. Now decide what you want out of life and go for it.

We are never to old to learn and do new things.

Like DerbyshireLass and her friend with cancer. I heard today from my best friend that it looks like she is facing cancer . She will be having a lot of tests on the 8th. But her consultant has prepared them for what they could be in for. To me he has already decided it is cancer but not to what extent. They where never able to have a family. But they have a strong marriage and have already weathered a lot of health problems.