Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Smiles.....no it is not odd that after 9.5 years you still mourn what has happened.

Grief for estrangement is just as awful as grief for bereavement. I think it might actually be harder to bear. Unlike in death, in estrangement there can be no closure, it just goes on and on. The grief in death is pure, the grief in estrangement is made worse by the sense of betrayal.

I have been reading about Secondary Loss. And it makes so much sense. Primary loss is when someone who we care deeply about dies. We mourn the person, but eventually we get used to that loss. Secondary Loss then supersedes (or sometimes works in tandem with) Primary Loss.

Secondary Loss is what we are left with when the person dies. It's the loss of a way of life, a life that is smaller, narrower. It is about being alone, there might be financial implications, it's a loss of all our hopes and dreams of the future, of all the what might have beens.

So to me it's perfectly understandable that grief over estrangement is still with you after 9.5 years. You haven't just lost your son, you've also lost a relationship with your grandchildren, and all the happy times you will never have. The secondary loss is all the might have beens and should have beens. You have been denied so much, of course you still struggle with that loss.

As for the "do". Well my sister sent me a text......"head up, shoulders back, t*ts out, best foot forward". Sound advice, even if a little rude. Lol.

She knows me well. She knows what I will do. My usual tactic in a difficult situation is a killer outfit and put on the slap. Clothes, make up, hair do, perfume are my armour and glamour is my weapon of choice.

Allegedly I resemble Helen Mirren a bit so my sister has told me to go for "the full Helen". I have shown her the outfit, she approves.

As some of you know I was born with a birthmark and a couple of kindly fashionista aunts taught me very early on the power of dressing well in order to draw attention away from my face.

Fortunately the birthmark was surgically removed when it went rogue and became cancerous. All I have now is a faint white scar which no one seems to notice. But I learned my lesson well and I still love to dress up. ?.

So I shall don my finery, be gracious and charming and behave impeccably.

It's funny what you say about DILs family looking at me with respect .....

When my son and DIL got married it was the first time most of her family had clapped eyes on me. They are rich and quite a high status family......I'm just a girl from a council house who worked hard and pulled herself up by her own bootstraps.

As I walked down the aisle of the church to take my seat I could feel their eyes following me and see them nudging each other and whispering, pointing out to each other who I was. I heard one of them say "C's mama es moi elegante". So the outfit obviously worked that day. Just hope Sundays works as well.

The great Hollywood costume designer once said "you can have anything you want in life if you dress for it". On Sunday I want to be brave, courageous and powerful - so I need the outfit to do its job.

Purplepixie we crossed posts your son is right . Don't dwell on what's gone and what you can't have. You and your husband still have a future and it's time to live it to the full.

Lot in my craft group get free patterns of Raveley not such that is spelt correctly.

You could get in touch with a local brownie or guide group think they still have craft badges to earn . Or an after school club. To teach children I think you have to go through police checks and get approval from the council. Perhaps a notice at your local church seeing if anyone wants to learn to knit or paint. Do you crochet as well? Look at AgeUk they are bound to have some groups in your area you could join. Just a few ideas.

Glad you slept better.

Smiles crying over your eldest son is only normal. You are still his mom and his children's nannie and grandad whether he likes it or not. Nothing can change that. It's the same with me. I always took comfort in the fact our children had their dads DNA and our grandsons have some as well. While they live so does part of my husband.

Mr S is a treasure and I am glad you have him. Life is funny we never know what is going to happen next but that's what makes life interesting .
We have to take the good ,bad and down right awful. I live my life to the full as I promised my husband . So in a way I am living for 2 .

Talking to my best friend today and arranging to met up next month. We haven't seen each since 2019 . What with Covid ,her work and both her and her husband's health problems. It's our first chance. But I told her I am no longer the person she last saw. My face looks sort of the same but my body has altered and I no longer have the jerking limbs. I am faster walking and more confidence. It doesn't matter how old we get we continue to change and learn new things. And that's how it should be.

Enjoy your choir practice .

Knitting and watercolour painting keep me sane during these mad times. I’ve finished my cardigan and the twin set is next.

www.gransnet.com/forums/arts_and_crafts/1311355-My-cardigan-with-pulled-out-wool

Thank you to everyone for your replies and concerns.

I did sleep better last night and didnt want to get up this morning but I did. Went to do the shopping and bought myself some more wool from the Range with a old fashioned idea in mind - a twin set! Yes, I saw it on the internet and the pattern is on its way right now. I’ve bought some rainbow DK and will make it.

I spoke to my youngest son last night and he was so positive and goes to his CrossFit classes regularly and also has taken up learning French. He says he was rubbish at it at school and decided to give it another go. His positivity was wonderful. He said I have to stop dwelling on my eldest two children who want nothing to do with me and try and move on. Join some classes even if it is something I have done before. Ideally, I would love to teach children how to knit. All 4 of my grand children can knit, thanks to me. My youngest now aged 12 has made lots of things for herself. I just hope my positivity stays with me. Today I really feel a lot better and I wont worry about how I might feel tomorrow.

No biopsy date yet for DH and he is so down but I am making him all the things he likes to eat and doing my best to help him along.

Who would have guessed that my eldest two would behave the way they do towards me. They were such cute kids. I will never tackle either of them face to face now, that moment for me has gone.

Morning everyone. Hope you all enjoyed the weekends festivities. We're at out lodge, having arrived Sunday for 10 days. So much going on with the flat that our weekend plans had to be cancelled.

My dearest friend's son came and fitted the new heaters and replaced all the plug sockets and light switches. We're having workmen in tomorrow and Thursday to replace the hot water tank/immersion heater and the electricity supplier is there on Thursday to fit a smart meter. That will be the last of workmen leaving the rest for Mr. S.

Bless him, he's done a fabulous job and even though it's not yet finished, the flat has been totally transformed.

It was bitter sweet having C stay at the weekend, making me think of what we've lost and miss out on with DS being so far away in Aus. and of course our estrangement. Left me feeling tense and tearful yesterday but feeling better today.

PP hope you're feeling a little brighter today and enjoyed your 'phone all with your DS yesterday. It's surprising how therapeutic writing down our thoughts and feelings on this thread, and sharing them with one another can be.

Fingers crossed that your DH gets his biopsy and the results soon so his mind can be put at rest. It's so hard being positive and supportive when you're feeling pretty low yourself. No wonder you've had problems getting off to sleep, that happens to me sometimes and it's so frustrating isn't it.

It's horrible DSL that a family get together that should be looked forward too and once was, becomes a source of stress and anxiety. I hope you'll be able to enjoy it and the fact that you are there, 'flying solo' sends a positive message to your son and is wife's family.

Imagine them looking at you with respect for your courage and strength of character which I'm sure they will be doing. Not sure if this is the right advice but in your shoes, if I were to be on the receiving end of your d.i.l.'s bitchy barbed comments I'd simply walk away without making any comment. The only thing she's worthy of is your unspoken disdain.

Great news about your viewings today and tomorrow. Hope they go well but don't get despondent if you don't get a 'bite' first time. There's a buyer out there for you and a new home too.

As Whiff has said, make sure you protect yourself as best you can. That red velvet rope will serve you well so make sure you have it pulled tight when the time comes to tackle your son.

Everything you post makes sense Whiff .

I've never really had the opportunity to tackle out ES Whiff, probably just as well. I did get some things off my chest when I wrote that 'goodbye' email in the nicest way possible, and his response clarified that I'd done the right thing, and I told him so.

The fact that I'll still shed tears after 9.5 years annoys me; does that sound odd? It makes me cross that I still hurt, that the memory of him, of what we had, of what's been lost produces a pain that cannot be described, a pain like no other.

Then I remind myself how lucky I am, what a great life Mr. S. and I have inspite of what's happened.

Despite being away, I'm driving back for our choir practice as we have a concert in under 2 weeks and I want to get one more rehearsal in as I wont be going next week and the concert's on the 18th.

Anyway.......I've got a viewer today and two tomorrow. ?.

Just want to get this house sold and then move forward into a new life. I feel like my life has really shrunk and become so small. Partly because of covid but also because I have allowed my DIL to undermine me and shatter my confidence,

I am sadly no longer the serene, happy go lucky person I was. I have become anxious, at times depressed and I have become far too solitary.

It's time to expand my horizons and get back out into the world, mix with people, engage with new hobbies and past times. It's up to me now, no one is going to do it for me.

I know what you mean about "finding you" again. This is exactly what I need to do. And I think a house move will be a good way to start.

Whiff. Thanks for your concern, I will be careful. It's because I need to protect myself that I need to tackle him, Perhaps tackle isn't the right word but I think we are reaching the point if no return. It's time I spoke up and stood up for what's right.

I have decided to more or less step right back and leave them to it. I can't go into details on a public site but this forthcoming family do is proving to be something of a watershed moment. As I said I will be the only one from my side in attendance. No one wants to go near them.

My DIL has ripped my family apart......

I shall see how my son is at the weekend. Will he actually register that I'm the only family member in attendance or will he continue to wear blinkers as to the reality of his situation.

I will be having to field questions, it will not be a relaxed and happy occasion. Tbh I'm angry at being put in such a position as well as feeling anxious about it all. .

It is the constant anxiety which is starting to impact my health. It's time to remove the cause of that anxiety, namely my DIL.

I have let my DIL get under my skin and I have decided that enough is enough. Her recent demands have become more and more outrageous and because I have said no to some of them I am once again being punished. She has caused so much trouble, so much pain and friction but I refuse to let her destroy my health as well as destroying my family.

This time she has overplayed her hand just like I knew she would. My family have responded by walking away. If my son doesn't get the message and do something then I too will have to distance myself.

Ah well.

Purplepixie I hope you slept better last night. Reading the words of the song reminded me a lot of songs of that era had beautiful words ,words which shown not only how the author felt but how a lot of people felt about life. Also gave an insight into how the person who wrote it was feeling themselves. I suppose the same can be said of some of the songwriters of today. They can only voice how they really feel through their songs.

Smiles posted some words of a hymn she was singing and how the words covered estrangement in a way .

People think words can't hurt you but they can cut deeper than any knife. Especially if they are sent in a letter or card. My son's email has a note on can't be printed or copied and will expire in 2025. He may think his words will disappear but they won't. As I copied it out onto paper every spelling and punctuation mistake. Exactly how he wrote it . It and his letter are with my will.

Pixie you say your husband has it fixed in his head he has cancer my husband was the opposite. He believed the consultant when he said it was non cancerous. But I told the consultant it was he gave me a pitying look. But he had to eat his words after the biopsy he apologised to me. After my husband operation 2 weeks later that consultant left the hospital and we had a kind and caring consultant . One who cared about all his patients and never rushed us. As per my husband never asked questions but me I like to know everything about what we had to face so always had lot of questions.

I don't know what it is with men or I should say the men I know they seem to think they don't need to know about their health and take everything at face value. Perfect example when I was at my brother's and sister in law's last year he had a pain in his leg he had for a week . My poor sister in law couldn't get him to see the GP. But I made him told him he was being unfair only not so politely . He had Cellulitis and needed antibiotics. Also I learnt something new. His GP sent him to the hospital because even on blood thinners you can get a blood clot and he needed an xray and blood test.

Men either think they are dieing or nothing is wrong. Thank goodness we women are on the whole more sensible.

DerbyshireLass moving for me gave me a new life. And people got to know me. Not someone's wife then widow or the children's mom. I found me again and I love the new me and my new life. For decades I thought I shouldn't love myself but now realise what a fool I was. My husband told me he loved me weeks before I realised I loved him and still do to this day. Yes I lost my son and grandson's but gained much more. I found me. Perhaps that's what my son and daughter in law don't like. They liked the old me . While my daughter loves this new me. Especially since I don't have the jerks and seizures she doesn't have to worry so much about me. And dreading every phone call incase I need help getting up or a trip to A&E. My grandson was talking about when I had to go in the ambulance when my heart was playing up and set the jerks off. He's 4 but it stuck in his mind. The picture of nannie being put into the ambulance.

I think my son's 2 eldest with have forgotten me but wonder something if the eldest does remember me as his 5.75 years old .

On my ramblings again. DerbyshireLass your do will test you to your limits but hold you head high and now what a wonderful woman you are and how proud your husband would be of you. Also even though your younger son and his girlfriend won't be with you they surround you with love and caring wear that as a suit of armour. And take in to battle with you. Like you I have said our children forget when they where young bad behaviour had consequences why do they think because they are adults it would be any different. Do they think anything they do as adults they can get off scot free. Because we given unconditional love does not mean they can treat us as they want and not pay a price.

You say you are going to tackle your son one day. I decided not to do that with my son. He made it clear he wanted zero contact so he has had that apart from twice this year but I had no choice to contact him. But I just asked for his bank details as his dad left his number plate between the children and I sold it. But I set him a time limit to send me his details or lose the money. Second time was to send him the copy of my neurologists letter and short note telling him how to get tested. I text before telling him it was a health matter and not to send it back unopened.

I could send him an email or letter pointing out all his and my daughter in law's short comings as family and parents but I won't play their game. If he ever wants me back in their lives he knows where I live. But he will have to face me no cowards way out this time. He is no longer the son I knew and I am no longer the mom he knew.

Does your younger son know you are going to tackle his brother ? If you do go ahead and tackle him be careful don't let him hurt you anymore than he has. Please protect yourself.

Sorry you are still feeling low Purplepixie if you would like a chuckle look on the diet and exercise forum under excessive wind thread . I have put a couple of posts on it . But what people have written has had me in stitches.??️

I ended up having 2 hot toddies and still I couldn’t get to sleep! The clock said 4.15am and then I must have conked out. At least I didnt have anything planned for this morning and had a lay in until 9.30am. Not much sleep but I will try again tonight. My head gets that full that I cannot shut it down at times.

This morning when I was reading through your posts I had the radio on and a wonderful song came on by Mama Cass (Mamas and Papas). She was singing the following words : “You’ve to to make your own kind of music. Sing you’re own special song, even if nobody else sings along”. I felt like she was singing to me even though, sadly, she died a long time ago. Now I cannot get that song out of my head. So I looked online and found a Zumba class which is in the town nearby on a monday morning and I will try and get signed up for next week. Also I found a U3A group in the same town. I must get myself motivated and stop moping around. Thank goodness the bank holiday weekend is over and hopefully we will be away for the August one.

DH has a condition in his mouth that the specialist seems to think is Lichen Planus but he has to confirm it with the biopsy. He has in his head that it is cancer though and he is so down in the dumps about it. I try to get him to think positive until he gets the confirmed results but he won’t.

I feel like my stomach is churning today. Take care everyone.

Whiff. It certainly does help typing it here. Not only does it get it off our chests but I think it's also helps to clarify our thoughts.

This morning I awoke at 6.00 feeling very stressed and anxious. Last night whilst watching TV I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I didn't dare take my blood pressure. Lol.

I know that anxiety causes a spike in cortisol levels which in turn leads to increased blood sugar levels. Again I didn't dare take my blood level readings this Morning. Yes I know, I'm being an ostrich but I don't need to take the numbers to know that all the stress and anxiety is impacting my health. Which is why I have decided to stop letting things drift and take action.

Writing it all down this morning has cleared my head. I've gone from feeling anxious to feeling very angry. In fact I feel quite belligerent at the moment. Very unusual for me ?. I have decided that however this next weekend pans out I am going to tackle my son. Not at the gathering obviously, I will choose my moment.

My DIL will be making sly digs and thinly veiled barbed comments about me being the only family member there but I shall pay no heed. I wont take the bait. I wont embarrass myself or my son. I'll see how it goes at the weekend. Whatever happens and despite all provocation I will behave impeccably. ?.

But it's definitely time for a reckoning.

Anyway I have got the energy inspector due this morning so I'll crack on with the ironing and some paperwork.

Whiff. I have more or less narrowed it down to both where I want to live and what kind of house. There's not much out there though. So, rather than risk losing a sale, if push comes to shove I will rent for a while. Take a 6 month lease with a monthly rolling contract. I know it would mean 2 moves but I don't mind. In fact in many ways i find it easier and less stressful than trying to manage a simultaneous sale and purchase.

I'm pretty relaxed about the coming move. I have a good team I can call on including an excellent odd job man who charges a very reasonable rate. I will just buy in extra help. Once I'm further down the line I can start packing up, decluttering as I go. A couple of boxes a day, more if I feel up to it. I have already done some decluttering.

I am going to be quite ruthless and will be getting rid of at least 50% of my stuff, I don't need it or want it, it's just stuff and it's a millstone round my neck. I will never be a true minimalist but I'm really looking forward to paring back. And of course making way for some nice new bits and pieces. ?

I've got two coffee mornings booked with friends this week, so something nice to look forward to. Both of them have expressed a keen interest to go house hunting with me....lol.

I will get through this and I will rebuild my life. I'm not going to let Madam wreck my health. I might not be able to save my son but I can save myself even if I have to abandon him in the process. I will of course probably crush any chance of having a relationship with my grandchildren but that's a price I will just have to pay.

Actions have consequences and everything has a price. My son has tossed his family aside and he too will have to pay the price and suffer the consequences of his actions.

Pixie. I think occasions like the bank holiday do highlight situations like ours, they become ordeals we have to get through rather than pleasurable shared experiences with loving family. I tried to keep busy but I still felt sidelined and isolated.

We have a big family occasion looming next weekend. And quite frankly I'm dreading it. As I said I'm the "Last Man Standing" and will be the only family member on our side in attendance. What should be a joyous occasion has already be marred. Im feeling very anxious and stressed about it.

Hey ho I will just have to don my girls panties and ride it out.

In a way it will be a real test to see exactly where the land lies and from there I can make a decision as to whether to stick with it all and keep trying or whether to just call it a day with them.

All I know at the moment is that I feel very much that I am Persona Non Grata. My DILs family will be there en masse and I will be flying solo. It's humiliating just thinking about it. I shall be an object of either scorn and derision or else pity. Either way not conducive to a pleasurable experience.

Perhaps the occasion will make my son actually take notice and finally do something. Or it may just be the straw that breaks the camels back and I too finally turn my back on them and leave them to it. As painful as that would be I don't think it could be much worse than what I'm currently having to endure.

I promised my late husband that I would always look after the boys. This I've tried to do, to the absolute best of my ability. Quite apart from the financial help I have always been there for my son. Encouraging and supporting him even when I was deep in grief for my husband whilst also coping with the death of my parents.

I lost all three of them with 2 and half years, it fell to me to deal with all the legal stuff, clearing and selling houses etc. not exactly the best time of my life.

I never realised at the time, I was so swamped I guess it just didn't register with me, but looking back I can see quite plainly it was my youngest son who helped me. It was also my youngest son who helped me when I was caring for my husband. My eldest son did nothing. If I thought about it all at the time I must have put it down to his way of dealing with grief, going into shut down mode in order to cope. But that didn't help my youngest son and I. We were left to sink or swim. We swam. And, ironically, it's my eldest son who has sank.

As my youngest son put it this weekend......"winners don't quit, and quitters don't win". Very true. Which is why I have kept on trying with my son, hoping that against all the odds, I could make it work.

I guess there comes a time when you have to face facts and admit it's pointless. I don't want to quit, I don't want to break my promise to my husband. It feels like a betrayal but I can't really see that I have a choice. I can feel that the current situation is starting to impact my health, with rising levels of stress and anxiety. I think it's time I let my self preservation instincts kick in and I listened to my body. I'll see how this weekend goes.

Pixie. I too need to really make the effort to do more, to socialise, make new friends, take up new hobbies (or rediscover old ones). I have put myself on the back burner for the past 16 years. That is now going to stop.

Have you looked at something like U3A. I shall be looking into it, plus like Whiff I shall be looking out for a craft or sewing group, exercise classes. I might take a leaf out of Smiles book and join a choir.

I might have to quit on my relationship with my son but I'm determined not to quit on my life. I'm not going to sit inside 4 walls and wait for death. That would be the ultimate betrayal to my husband. He wanted me to have a good life and that's what I am aiming for.

Chin up Pixie......we can do this. It's hard but, if nothing else, we have this thread. It's our safe space, where we can find friendship and support.

Purplepixie I to feel it helps typing it here. We all are united by estrangement but by so much more. We all bring our life experiences and it's so similar and also so different at the same time. All you and the rest of us is take it one day at a time. For me routine has helped me for years. I plan what I want to do and usually do it. I get very annoyed with my body if it stops me doing what I want. Or the weather at the moment. A few places in my kitchen need the emulsion touching up as I had the new kitchen 3 years in October. But it's very cold and raining hard. Hopefully it will warm up later in the week and I can get it done.

Glad you have one of your beautiful paintings in mine and a new quilt to make. Keeping your hands and mind busy I think is the key as it gets your mind a rest as you need to concentrate on what you are doing. That's why I love doing cross stitch.

Anyway hope you managed to get back to sleep. Glad you didn't go for a walk it's not wise late at night even in a safe neighborhood. Not just incase you get attacked but you could fall and hurt yourself. Hopefully you will have a better day and have a good chat with your darling son.

DerbyshireLass thank you . I never know if what I write makes sense. I to only found things about my son and daughter in law that my daughter and brother had kept from me after my son's email and letter. They hide things to protect me as they didn't want to hurt me. Think I have said before I turned a blind eye to lot of things. I lived long way from them so just cherished the time we had when I saw them. Plus I had others dependent on me. Spread myself to thin. But we do what we need to at the time.

Glad your house is on the market and have viewings lined up. Have you seen away places you would like to move to and properties you like the look of? Wish you the best of luck as you are in for a stressful time. But a new life awaits you .

Hugshelp thank you for your words. I had to do the freezer juggle a few months ago as my daughter's freezer went on the blink but luckily it was fixed within a couple of days.

Hope you all have a good day .

Thank you Whiff for typing it all out - you have been through so much. I’m so sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age. I haven’t any close friends who live near to me but excellent special friends who are at the end of the telephone, any time,night or day for me. I wish they lived nearer. They have all said that I really need to get out more and join craft groups etc. I feel like I am drowning at the moment and cannot seem to kick start myself. Tonight I just cannot sleep and want to go for a walk but DH is fast asleep and he won’t know that I am out. Besides it would be my luck to get attacked or worse. So I am sitting here in the kitchen and having a hot toddy while typing this. The long bank holiday weekend has been hard.

Derbyshirelass - thank you. Good luck with the house sale. Onward and upward my mam used to say - I just wished she was still alive and I could talk to her right now.

hugshelp - thank you. I managed to lose myself in a book this afternoon. I have a painting in mind that I will start this week. Also started to cut out some more fabric for the patchwork duvet cover.

It is so good to be able to type how I feel to people who understand just what I am going through.

Thank you.

Been pouring with rain here too, purplepixie. I'm so sorry you're having such a rotten time of it. I'm glad you've managed to distract yourself a little with some crafting at least.

Oh Whiff - your words are both incredibly moving and very wise. We try to deal with things the very best way we can but we don't all deal with them the same. Our children don't seem to understand that.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way DSL - at least you know you've given it the best shot you could. We can't change the way other people act. I'm glad you've got some viewing organised for next week.

Our DDs freezer packed in today so we've been juggling stuff in ours and collected what we could in a cool box to save her losing it all. The freezer's under warranty but they are saying it could be 3 weeks before the engineer comes out. Well, that's a lot of good!

Amazing post Whiff. Much of what you talk about regarding your husbands illness really resonates with me. So hard to watch someone you love die, you feel so powerless and so alone,

And you're so right, somewhere along the way you do seem to lose your sense of self,

As for estrangement.,,,......

PP I feel for you. I know I am not technically estranged but I may as well be. I too have had a pretty thin time this weekend. I did get to see my second son which was lovely but nothing from my eldest son and DIL. It's been 5 weeks again. They live 15 minutes away. And of course far too busy to pick up a phone. They hosted a jubilee party for her parents, I was not invited. I am just about ready to call it a day.

There has been a slew of revelations this last couple of days. Now that I have "come out of the closet" as it were and confided in people about what's happening I am beginning to hear things about my son and DILs train wreck of a marriage, the way she has completely isolated him, discarding friends and family with gay abandon. Those that haven't been discarded have given up trying and are turning their backs on them.

I feel like I am the "Last Man (Woman) Standing". I am all he has left but either he hasn't noticed or he doesn't care. .

It's a sad conclusion to draw but it's a fact that my DIL only tolerates me for my usefulness. When I dont comply with her demands I am punished, I usually get the silent treatment for weeks on end. And you are quite correct - whilst my son may not be the instigator he is certainly complicit.

My husband would be turning in his grave if he knew what was happening.

I have had a lot of time to think over the last few day. The truth is I have been deluding myself, thinking I could maintain a decent relationship with my son. Who am I kidding. I am just flogging a dead horse.

On a more cheery note. The house is now on the market, viewings are set up for next week. I'm looking forward now, a fresh start. I'm done with trying to hold onto relationships that won't work and done with living in the past. Time to move forward now, find a new home and build a new life.

Pressed wrong button.

Having a husband who doesn't want to talk about how he is feeling is so hard. And it's lonely when you need to talk about how you feel. Do you have any close friends you can talk to Pixie ?

Allsorts is right you are very talented with your crafting. Once I move that was on my to do list find a craft group. Mine is at my local library it's multi media . I am the only one who just does cross stitch. It's 2 hours on a Thursday afternoon is free and we craft talk about anything and drink tea and have biscuits. I am sure there must be a craft group near you. Some craft shops run them and some churches . Just google craft groups near me I am sure something will pop up. My exercise class is run by my local council. But a number of churches have sit fit groups near me.

I can't remember if you are a church goer if you are there must be things you can go to. Even if it's not something that you think you might enjoy you could go once and see.

Since moving I live my life to the full. Lost my son and grandson's but that's his choice not mine. I have wobbles and will never know why he did it. And yes I have shouted at my husband that if he hadn't died it wouldn't have happened. But you know what it made me feel better shouting it out loud.

Like I said don't know if this has helped or made you feel worse. But this is my experience. ??

Purplepixie I don't know if what I am going to write will help you or not. But this is my own experience. My husband like all the men that have been in and still are in my family have been what I glad a man's man. The sort who think they have to be the strong one in any situation. But in fact it's us woman who are stronger.

The fact your husband and is unwell and waiting for a biopsy must be very frightening for you both. But if he's like my husband thinks he can cope on his own and doesn't want to talk about it. While you need to talk about your fears.

My husband had his biopsy just after Christmas 2000. January 2001 we knew he had cancer and that he wouldn't live 5 years. After we told our children he said he didn't want anyone else to know. He wanted everyone to think he would be ok after the cancer was removed. We told the children that they could talk to us and we would always tell them the truth like we always did.

I told my husband I would go along with what he wanted but we had to talk about it as we both needed to voice our fears. I learned everything I could about grade 4 malignant melanoma and knew what we had ahead of us.

In son's email he say I hide things about his dad's cancer. We of course did. For months after he was told his diagnosis my husband cried himself to sleep in my arms for a couple of months. Only when he was asleep I could cry. As always we protected our children. We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us until October 2003 then the bloody thing dropped.

He had 4 months to 2 years. We knew it was months. Telling the children was horrible. Then we had to tell everyone else. His mother said oh and changed the subject. Our children don't know that was her reaction . My parents broke there hearts . Didn't need to tell our children they knew how much my parents loved him . And knew how they would react.

His side of the family had the same reaction as his mom. They where a cold unloving lot.

My family all love my husband. I wanted to join a skin cancer group so he could talk to other people facing death but he didn't want to. So again I agreed but we had to talk. Which we did. Our McMillan nurse Megan was wonderful but my husband being his normal self always put on a brave face on it. I needed to scream and talk to someone anyone but just talked to him.

What hurts is my son accusing me of hiding things from him. But does he really what to know that when his dad woke up in the night in agony and made me hold a pillow over his face so he's screams wouldn't wake him up. Before the morphine knocked him out .

As per my husband Christmas he decided he wanted to get too his birthday in February. So we promised we would do everything we could to help. And he did get to his 47th birthday he died 4 days later in our bed with just me and the children.

My husband was brought up without love and attention from any of his family. Even though my dad wasn't and he was beaten. Because of me and mom they knew what it was to be loved and cherished not just by us but all mom's family.

Because my children knew I needed to talk about my grief I went to breavenment group. They used to ask if it was ok and I said yes. Which was true as they where a nice group. But they didn't help me as I was 45 the nearest to my age was a 68 year old man. The women where in their 70's and 80's. The woman who ran the group did a course and was married. I stuck it out for 2 years. Then left. But I learnt to cope by talking mainly to my dad. Mom had cancer in 2000 and could never understand why she lived and my husband died. She said she would have given his life for him.

It's hard when you need to talk about how you are feeling but can't . Since my husband died I have screamed,shouted ,swore at him ,blamed him for leaving me all out loud and even hit pillows. Took me years to realise that's all normal.

The same goes with estrangement . As estrangement is also like death. But the death of the relationship with your child or children and grandchildren. The grieving for me is exactly the same as for my husband but they are alive.

After the children left home I looked after my parents and mother in law until they died. But even when they where alive I could go days without seeing anyone or going out. I only went out some weeks only when I went to see them. I phoned them every day to check how they were. As the years went by especially after my dad died. My mom and mother in law became more dependant on me.

It's only after mom died I realise I lost me . Even when I was young as the oldest grandchildren and only girl for 19 before my youngest cousin was born the second girl in the family. When my nan was ill I was taken to look after her of a weekend and during school holidays. I didn't mind as I loved my nan very much and we had a brilliant time together.

We get wrapped up in what others want we lose who we are and what we want.

Both my children always said how proud of me they where of me as they didn't think I would cope after their dad died.

Sorry you are so down Purplepixie, perhaps people think because you have your husband you’re ok, they don’t know your story. There comes a time when you have to be selfish and put yourself first, do things for you. Like you I am resigned to the fact that my adult child, won’t worry about me and I don’t agonise over it, do find it but difficult when I’m with friends and their children who knew and went to school with my d, have such a close relationship with their parents, feel inside sometimes as if I have failed somewhat, but it wasn’t my choice. She wouldn’t even know if I were alive. It must be worrying having your husband so unwell so you can’t get out and about together. Are there any groups locally you could join for your craft interest so that you have something in common with the group. I’ve seen your work and you are very talented.

Hello all. Well, its poured with rain here all morning and just starting to clear up now. There is supposed to be a picnic gathering in our village this afternoon but I just cannot fancy going along.

Honestly, I haven’t seen or heard from a soul since I was out at the shops on wednesday and I feel like nobody would notice if I was dead. DH has been poorly lately and waiting to have a biopsy. His mood is low and I am trying hard to gee him along when inside I feel like screaming.

I am not going to hear from my eldest two children and now I hardly hear from their children. I long to have them come and stay but have to wait until they can. Again adults pulling the strings.

I did finish knitting my cardigan and have started another one along with cutting out some piece for making a king size duvet cover. Trying to keep busy when I feel like I have been kicked in the guts. Not in a good place in my head today.

My youngest son will be phoning tomorrow night as he has been away with friends for the weekend.

Hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday.

Sounds like the garden is really coming on whiff

Hope everyone is well.

Yogin my grandson is fine thank you. Upset he can't go to his swimming lesson this morning as he has to keep it dry for a week. But can still go to his gymnastics class. Just needs to be careful and no knock his chin.

Sun is shining here so will go into the garden for a couple of hours. With all the rain yesterday my runner beans have shot up and need to train them round the canes. Plus weeds have shot up ?.

Hope you all have a good day whatever you are doing.

Hope your grandson is ok today Whiff