Repairing estrangement

It's hard sometimes netflixfan when you have EP's and EAC discussing estrangement together. For an EAC 'you reap what you sow' makes perfect sense when their parent has treated them badly and they refuse to have anything to do with them.

For EP's though it can feel like a judgement is being made, even when that isn't the intention.

I’m sorry I upset some of us with my remark that you reap what you sow. Of course it’s not the fault of the parent all the time, and I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve watched this sort of thing in my own family, though, and in my brothers case, he and his wife behaved badly to others and now their own only child has estranged them. They are totally isolated now.from all family and friends.

I agree Sara life would be a lot a fairer if we did.

That period of time without him would have been experienced by you as estrangement Onward and possibly worse as you didn't know if you'd been estranged or not.

All gardeners know that no matter how hard you try it's impossible to keep a garden weed free Iam, and it's particularly annoying when they appear to flourish better than the flowers.

LOL it is but these are the best I can do (for you) Violetsky

OnwardandUpward

Yes, I want lots of flowers Violetsky

Being honest, it needs a good weed though.

It's a constant battle lol

Yes, I want lots of flowers Violetsky

Being honest, it needs a good weed though.

Yes, I thought my son had estranged me Smileless , but although he did cut me out of his life, he never said it was forever- in fact he just never said anything. It seemed like estrangement at the time, but I never quite knew ...

I think PND (and not bonding) might really affect things.

I try to set a good example to my kids about my parents, but in reality it's not always possible. Unfortunately my parents used to complain about my GP and I really try not to do that. I spend a lot of time biting my lip, or I'll be just as bad.

My parents did not care for their parents themselves so I don't have that example set for me.

That suggests you’re putting responsibility on the gardener, or the parent. Is that what toy meant

Reminded me of this

Well let’s face it Violetsky, none of us are perfect, we’d all have a bit of reaping to do.

It's not always a bad thing if people don't reap what they sow.

Plant and nurture a seed or throw it away and sometimes you get flowers anyway

Violetsky
I think you’re probably spot on regarding post natal depression, sometimes the only explanation I can find for her behaviour was mental illness, never talked about of course.
It’s a sad fact, but a lot of people don’t reap what they sow, I agree, life would be fairer if they did.

not a bad idea Gagajo.

Smileless2012

I wish people did always reap what they sow Iam, I wish we had with both our sons and not just one. It's wrong to suggest parents are entirely responsible for the choices their AC make, and the way they behave.

I think I'm having that on my gravestone SL2012.

I wish people did always reap what they sow Iam, I wish we had with both our sons and not just one. It's wrong to suggest parents are entirely responsible for the choices their AC make, and the way they behave.

Sara1954”She is of course a Different person with them”

This is very true. We all have different relationships with family members.

My own mum was a hard task master as most mums were in those days ,but she was putty when dealing with her grandchildren … My siblings and I thought that was funny.

I see the ‘reap what you sow’ comment as a rather sweeping generalisation. There are estranged parents who post about being estranged by adult children with drug/alcohol/mental health problems.

Some will respond by suggesting parents are entirely responsible for the behaviours and choices of their adult children. Sometimes, it’s obvious that abuse or neglect are behind substance misuse or mental health problems, but not always. I’ve known families with 5 children, only one of whom has those kind of problems

I wish I knew sara then maybe we could fix it. Something must happen I suppose, some sort of trigger. I wonder if post natal depression could be a factor in some cases

I agree that generally you reap what you sow, but where does it all go wrong?
My mother was an exemplary and loving daughter, and a cold, spiteful mother.
Doesn’t make sense.

Yes I do think people reap what they sow.

My mother treated her mother appallingly before she died and now she lost her own daughter. Her father was abusive and I do believe her stories of him.

My children (with their blessing) watched me estrange a person who treated me awfully and have now learned we don't have to have relationships with people who don't treat us well.

It's good that your children still see their GM Sara, it's such a shame when the GC lose out on that relationship and FWIW, I admire you for enabling that relationship to continue.

Netflixfan
I doubt many adult children just walk away coldly without any reason.
My own children know I don’t like their grandmother, but they continue to visit her, as does my husband from time to time.
She of course is a different person with them, but I don’t bad mouth her, and I don’t mind them seeing her.
I think it’s a little more confusing for my grandchildren.

Re. your post earlier @ 14.16 DL, you would think that an apology given without knowing what it's for would be pointless for the recipient and meaningless so why would anyone want one under those circumstances? I certainly wouldn't, and nor would I be prepared to pander to untruths.

I can see that your son never having estranged you, but going quiet, which of course would have been very painful for you Onward would make a difference.

When you're told you're no longer a part of their lives and are to stay away, it's perfectly understandable and reasonable IMO that you want to know why. Like you, "I don't believe in apologising for the sake of it".

Yes, I think it's cold, cruel and cowardly netflixfan when no explanation is forthcoming, or if the one provided is untrue.

The adult children who coldly seem to cut their parents out of their lives with little explanation - I wonder if they realise that their own children are watching and learning such awful behaviour. Sometimes you reap what you sow.

I prefer to allow an opportunity for my mother to change.

If I didn't have a good relationship with a partner or a friend, that is replaceable.

I only have 1 mother and I only have my children. Those are holes that cannot be filled, the only choice is to make everything around them beautiful.

While my life is happier, more accomplished and healthier without her, that's something she is missing out on due to her own behaviour. That's both sad and true. Feelings aren't an on and off switch.