Repairing estrangement

Dreadfully sad that people can love so much yet have to go sleep feeling so alone.

Thank You Smileless2012

And for Allsorts

Memories can become distorted over time by both sides, so an AC's memories can be 'wrong', just as a parents can be.

As someone posted earlier, talking about the past may lead to one or both rethinking about what's past, may result in one or both seeing that they need to apologise or feel that there's nothing to apologise for.

As you have said Chewbacca, the very definition of estrangement it that there is no contact, no communication and without that, there is no possibility of reconciliation.

It's sad but I also feel Allsorts "that there's no way back from some things", somethings that have been said can never be unsaid, and some things that have been done, can never be undone.

The love remains, as does the pain of the loss.

A lovely post Jaylou.

A big decision Allsorts and it has probably given you a huge sense of relief. Now concentrate on the rest of your family and take their love to fill the hole in your heart.
Wishing you a happy tomorrow and all the days following.

I think when I was first estranged from my parent I would have agreed to joint therapy tbh if I felt it would have helped rather than the good person/bad person rhetoric
but maybe we are all different.

I am someone who wanted to cut my mother off after over 50 years of nastiness and abuse but never did.
At one point she wanted to talk through our relationship but by that time I couldn't face her either denying what I would tell her about her behaviour or being conciliatory during the discussion but misinterpreting things I would have said afterwards and returning to her old ways.
I am not accusing allsorts of any of these things and it may be that her DD is a very difficult person. I am just pointing out that even if she gave real-life examples of what you did to upset her you might not recognise them or even remember them.
Unfortunately it is very hard when you feel like your parent has mistreated you. It is hurtful and cruel and still makes me angry if I think about it and my mother died in 2012.

I hope you feel better now that you’ve come to that decisionallsorts

It’s a hard one but you need to have a life without looking back all the time you owe that to yourself.

As you say with time comes maturity and perhaps an understanding. Who knows.?

Thank you all. I have made my decision. She has what she wants, I won’t try anything else, I gave it my all, I can never forget what’s been said and done. Theres no way back from some things.
I do think a lot of those estranged will get back on track because the loves there and things get better with maturity and time.

To quote the Queen, ' recollections may vary'! Here lies the problem.

Sara1954, of course I accept therapy/counselling isn’t for everyone.
I also agree with the point you made at 19.30 today that memories can differ.

So very true Iam64 and it's precisely because of that that I'm perplexed as to exactly how joint therapy can be achieved when the very definition of estrangement is that one side is no longer communicating with the other; making any dialogue about mediation or joint therapy somewhat difficult. I'm fairly sure that I remember an EAC posting that they had suggested joint therapy with their estranged parent and received a less than warm response. I can see no different outcome if Allsorts were to suggest it.

Iam64
I would never go for counselling, and the only thing my mother and I might possibly have in common, is that I’m sure she never would either.

VioletSky, Most of the estranged parents on these threads have felt and responded exactly as you say you would if one of your adult children ‘made accusations’.
Apologies, love, attempts to rebuild relationships. Individual therapy, often funded and facilitated by the parent, anything to keep that door open. It all comes to an end when the child or the parent refuse to do it, stay stuck in painful fears and memories.

Instead of card or letters, how about sending a bunch of flowers with a simple note saying "Miss You". And keep sending flowers with similar messages on Birthdays etc. This will just show you still care and want to be in touch. Maybe one day in the future, she will soften and come back to you. If she does come back, don't talk about the past or look for answers as this may get her back up, just work on having a good future.

Violet, even in the happiest of households, memories will differ, one of my daughters does it all the time, not about anything serious, but her memories are often different to her siblings and us.
So I am prepared to agree that some of my memories could be distorted, but certainly not all of them, and certainly not my adult memories.
I’m pretty certain my mother, given the chance, would laugh it off, and say I take things too seriously, so I will never give her the chance.
Allsorts, you sound like a nice lady, perhaps she’ll be back of her own accord one day.

Joint therapy would be a way to accomplish that

And how would you engineer that when one party (the daughter) won't communicate at any level?

If my child made accusations I was absolutely sure did not happen, I don't think I could ever let go, I'd be very worried about them. I think I'd say whatever they needed to hear to be able to keep an eye on them and in a position to get them help. Joint therapy would be a way to accomplish that

I'm glad you came back on the thread you started and have found some of the responses helpful Allsorts.

I'm not saying it would never happen, but a mother deliberately denying something that happened the day before IMO was an extreme 'example' and I didn't see it's relevance to this thread, as the discussions has been about events from the past, not the day before.

The fault finding, 'justification' and "imaginary hurts" are horrible and I'll never understand why an AC would want to make their parent(s) feel worthless, or why anyone would want to treat someone like that.

It isn't easy letting them go Allsorts but in the end, it's the only option we have and by making that decision, we are taking back some control.

Concentrate on your other child, your GC, your family and friends who know you so well that they know this isn't deserved and those who understand and share your pain here on GN.

Stay strong and true to yourself.

I thank you Whiff, Diamond Lil, Smileless and Grannieunite for making me see sense. When I read your posts, then the others, especially the one, where the hypothetical conversation just didn’t make sense, the mother was denying what was said the day before, the mother had a problem with her memory, thus needing understanding. Things fell into place. The reasons for estrangement obviously matter to the posters, but my opinion differs to theirs , I could never estrange my mother because quite simple they irritate me or had memory problems, one day that might be us, .It reminds me I could never go back to imaginary hurts without reasons, the fault finding, justifying everything, how it made me feel worthless, I know without any doubt I did the best I could at the time, always loved both my children, but I wasn’t good enough, but I can’t turn the clock back. Truth is I would do the same in the circumstances. So I let her go and hope she is that perfect mother that never does a thing wrong. I know however, I am kind and don’t like hurting people. I can’t imagine making my mother cry it’s not possible, I will not let this change me and make me bitter will not sink there. Thank goodness for the one child and my other grandchildren who care and my lovely friends who despite knowing me most of my life still want to be with me, also the friends I have made on this forum, with whom I share a common bond.

It's difficult

With my mum I spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out:

Was I imagining things that weren't happening?

Was my mum not able to remember things that were happening?

That is why I couldn't really understand that situation until my own children had witnessed her behaviour which encouraged me to get help and find the truth.

Which wasn't either of those in my case, it was so much worse but I am glad to know the truth.

A hypothetical conversation showing a mother denying something that happened the day before. Not sure how it's relevant to this discussion.

Hypothetical conversation

Daughter: "mom, it bothers me when you do this, that, and some other thing (insert more concrete examples here). Could you please stop?
For example, yesterday, in x location, it happened again (insert concrete examples here)"

Mother:"I don't remember that when did you say it happened and what did I do?"

Daughter: "yesterday, in X store, you did X and y. It bothers me and our relationship would improve if it didn't happen any more"

Mother: " I don't do that! That didn't happen yesterday!"

You're right Sara, not everyone's circumstances and experiences are the same.

Smileless
I understand how you feel.
But personally, I think attempting to talk would unleash a lifetime of resentment, no good would come of it.
I know that’s not the same for everyone.

"You can't make sense out of nonsense" good point Granniesunite.