Repairing estrangement

Allsorts If you don’t know what you’ve done then what will you apologise for? You’ve asked for a conversation with your daughter but that’s not happened.

Is she not too sure herself what her anger is about, is she afraid of your answers.?

Sometimes we just have to let them go and take care of ourselves. Most of the posts here are very sound advice in response to your particular question. Hope they’ve helped.

I think it’s time now to let her go, take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who do love and want to care for you. You can’t make sense out of nonsense and not telling you her reasons is in my view nonsense.

at least you can agree and apologise, discuss it and consider it, or refute it and refuse to apologise exactly DiamondLily where there is a refusal to communicate there is no way forward.

Is it reasonable though, if small things have built up over a period of time and resentment has been stored up, to estrange without those things ever being talked about Sara? I don't think it is.

You cannot resolve anything unless you know what those things are and surely if the relationship means anything to you at all, you would want to try and save it.

I agree that you can’t just go around apologising for anything and everything.
But it may be more a matter of small things building up, over months or years, little resentments stored away till enough is enough.

Smileless2012

I completely agree DiamondLily and I also wouldn't apologise for something I knew I hadn't done.

No, I would happily apologise (and have!), if I've been out of line, but I couldn't apologise without knowing why.

How can an apology even be sincere, if you don't know why or what you've apparently done?

If the AC give a reason or reasons, then at least you can agree and apologise, discuss it and consider it, or refute it and refuse to apologise.

If the AC haven't got the courage to do that, then the situation can't really move forward.

I don't know if this will help or not, but here's a website that has helped me.
www.rejectedparents.net/

I completely agree DiamondLily and I also wouldn't apologise for something I knew I hadn't done.

I think, in order for an apology to work, the "accused" must be told WHAT they are supposed to have done.

How can you apologise, and what would you apologise for, if you don't know?

If the AC wants some form of apology, or dialogue, then they need to have the courage to say what the issue, or issues is or are.

If they won't say, then, personally, I wouldn't apologise for an act I don't know I apparently committed.

That's just pointless.

The problem is that Allsorts daughter must have her reasons, and to totally estrange her mother, to her at least, they must be pretty big issues.
I think my mother would probably say she has no idea why I have estranged her, that I was always difficult, that she had always done her best, but she only remembers the bigger picture, I remember everything in detail.
Not for one minute comparing Allsorts with my mother, just pointing out that memories differ so much.

If Allsorts has been accused of things she hasn't done, then why should she apologise for them? That's no basis for a relationship.

Those accusations may be to do with a miss understanding as I've just mentioned, or they could be a total fabrication to 'justify' the estrangement.

There's no suggestion in her OP that Allsorts is refusing to accept responsibility for what she knows she may have done wrong, and there never has been in the numerous posts she's made about her estrangement.

Thank you for all your support. Very sorry for those living through this. It’s been so long now and I know really it’s not possible for me to reconnect. It comes over me in waves. Most of the time I cope although it’s never far away in my mind.
Elizabeth has expressed eloquently reasons for her estrangement. Just doesn’t like them.
I do think a few posters assume all mothers, not them of course, are either abusive or deserve what’s happened. Not so.

Dear Allsorts, there's no way of knowing if you contact your D again, whether this will be seen by her as an invasion of her space and/or she'll see this as you trying to guilt trip her.

You would only know if that was the case if she responded, if she were to ignore this attempt to communicate as she's ignored all the others, you'll never know.

Elizabeth and Sara have both said they would not welcome being contacted by those they have estranged. The email I received from our ES when my mum died 18 months ago was not welcome, he estranged us, but I did afford him the courtesy of a reply.

My advice is to decide whether or not to write to her, based on what is best for you. If you think it will help you, regardless of whether or not you get a response then do so, but if you can't see doing so is going to help you deal with the pain you're going through, then don't.

If you love someone who doesn't love you should you just let them be, yes I think you should for your sake as much as theirs especially when previous attempts have failed.

FWIW, I think there is little if anything to be gained by taking responsibility for an estrangement unless of course you are responsible for it. Likewise with apologising for something/things you haven't done.

As DSL has said "not knowing where you've gone wrong is a particular kind of torment" and for many EP's a very cruel one.

You cannot fix something if you don't know where it's broken and when it comes to relationships, all relationships, there has to be a desire from all concerned to talk, to listen, to forgive and find a way of moving forward.

You've been accused of things you haven't done; that's heartbreaking and how can you deal with that? Depending on the severity of the accusations, it may be possible having talked this through to accept that you both see this differently. For example, your D may have attributed a motivation to something you said or did that was never there. You can apologise for the pain that the miss understanding caused and she can accept that, or not.

Whatever you decide Allsorts, base your decision on what is best for you, on what will enable you to rebuild your life and begin to heal from the pain this is causing you .

I know how that feels Elless which is why we moved. Seeing your son walk past you as if you don't even exist, well there just aren't any words to describe that pain.

Those experiences are key and could explain the reasons why

Allsorts denying they happened is adding wood to the fire

It is not rocket science, it is actually very simple.

Sending a blank apology letter now may make everything worse, as the elephant is still in the room, ignored

I repeat: how can Allsorts apologise, by letter or any other means, if she hasn't been told what she's done wrong? If there's an "elephant in the room" it must have an identity but until its identified, how on earth can it be addressed?

Your dd's experiences are her reality, despite how you view them.

But what are those experiences? They may well be dd's "reality" but until Allsorts is made aware of what they are she can't "view them" with any clarity. Hithere you seem to be assuming that Allsorts is actually aware of the root cause of the problem and is in some state of denial? You really can't make any assumptions of what triggered the situation unless you're privy to it.

Allsorts my comment was said in kindness and I was genuinely trying to help.

I'm sorry I upset you

Elizabeth 27
I feel exactly the same, I am estranged from my mother, my decision was made twenty years ago. and I have never regretted it.
Its extremely unlikely, but if she did attempt to contact me, I would ignore it.
I don’t really think any good can come from letter writing, or trying to contact in any way.

All sorts

Your dd's experiences are her reality, despite how you view them.

A letter of apology must address the reason why the damage is done and promise not to have the same mistake again

Sending a blank apology letter now may make everything worse, as the elephant is still in the room, ignored

Your reaction to VS in this board - is this how you normally address things in real life?
That could make things worse, big time

Thank you Jane43
Allsorts When I wrote to my son I said to think about how much he loves his son and to remember that no matter what - that is how much I love him, if my Mum had said that to me I know it would have made me think.

I am estranged from some of my family members, they are just people I do not like and have done nothing specific. Just because they are related does not mean I have to like them.

If one of them sent me a letter I would just ignore it as I have already made my decision that I want no contact. If they persisted it would make me angry.

This is just my case I am in no way commenting on your situation not knowing why they are estranged from you.

Allsorts I do hope you're reading all these messages of support. All of us on here who have experienced this do understand how difficult it is. I agree with Chewbacca that if possible try to get a mediator of some sorts to establish how the future relationship is going to be . We did this with our ES. There's no point raking over things . All parents make mistakes none of us are perfect . Just set out future arrangements. If its just family occasions with others present then so be it . Just hoping you can find a way forward.

You would need to make yourself vulnerable and completely lower your defences and listen, she would need to do the same.

It doesn't seem to me that Allsorts could possibly be any more vulnerable than she already is. She's already said that she's written to her daughter and asked for an opportunity to talk about what has caused the upset but, with no response, it will be somewhat difficult for her to completely lower her defences and listen; nothing is being said for her to listen to. Without some feedback or information from her daughter as to what transgressions she's made how can heartfelt apologies be made and reparation take place? An open conversation has to come from both sides and if one side is resolutely not engaging, it's nigh on impossible for Allsorts to resolve this on her own.

Is there anyone, a family member or friend perhaps, who knows you both and can shine any light on what triggered the estrangment Allsorts? At least that might help you to discover what it is that you need to be apologising for.

I think you should write her a letter. If she is determined to stay estranged, there’s not a lot you can do. But at least you have apologised for whatever you are supposed to have done.Tell her you love her unconditionally. Lots of us have been on the brink of ‘estrangement’. I know I have. The relationship between my middle son and myself is hanging by a thread. I really feel for you Allsorts

Allsorts Your last sentence had the answer.

Elless How terrible for you, it is bad enough to be estranged from two granddaughters but to be estranged from a child must be heartbreaking. I hope time will heal the rift between you and your son.

Think very carefully about writing a letter. I wrote my granddaughter a letter which she ridiculed on FaceBook and twisted the content to make me look bad. This may not happen to you and I hope it doesn’t but bear in mind the implications of writing a letter. Perhaps you could arrange a meeting with an intermediary present?

Allsorts I sent many letters to my ES to find out what 'I had done' but did not receive replies to any of them. My ES only lives up the lane from me and it's torture seeing him walking past. I've shouted out to him when I've seen him asking can we talk but he ignores me. I was out walking our dog last year and literally walked into him, we stood and talked for over an hour with me sobbing the whole time. I did find out that the problem was not me but my Husband and but my Son has continued to estrange me. I really don't think a letter will make any difference unfortunately, it will be age and maturity that will make her see sense.