Repairing estrangement

This post I started has been resurrected, but my attitude is different.,I read the comments of the people estranging and those combined with other factors put things into perspective. When you have a child that love is unconditional, we go through hoops almost, taking responsibility for things that are not. Best to let them be.

Smileless2012

When an EP posts on GN that they don't know why they've been estranged it's because they don't Nannashirlz. Your mum will know what she's done because presumably you've told her. Not all EP's are told.

Absolutely Smileless Some estranged AC's have, no doubt, had disagreements, discussions or rows where faults were pointed out or grievances voiced and estrangement seems the only solution. Those situations are much more clear cut and understandable for both parties. At least those parents have had some warning and maybe a chance to acknowledge and maybe repair the situation. But there are many, many EP's for whom it came like a bolt out of the blue and without warning as it did for me. I can't acknowledge what I did wrong if I don't know what it is and I can't repair what is broken if I don't know where the pieces are.

When an EP posts on GN that they don't know why they've been estranged it's because they don't Nannashirlz. Your mum will know what she's done because presumably you've told her. Not all EP's are told.

I’ve being estranged from my mother for over 20yrs if she sent me a letter would I read probably not. No doubt she also said she doesn’t know what she as done. But she does. She just won’t admit it. Every action has a reason you just need to remember yours.

Complicated, I'm sorry you were not listened to, you tried and they can't see the problem , they coukd have seen your hurt. As HM said people's recollections vary. Some people have to ve right, your fathers comments dismissive and hurtful. You have done your best. It looks as if in order to have contact with your parents you will never be close. You were the bigger person trying to discuss your concerns. Look after yourself and move forward.
How I wish my daughter had cared enough to try. I doubt we will see each other again, it doesn't stop me loving and caring for her. I will always be her mom, however much she prefers I wasn't.

I agree with everything you have posted Complicated, especially your final paragraph, and I'm sorry that despite trying to explain how you felt to your parents, they didn't listen and take on board what they were told .

As an EP, your final paragraph resonated because that can also be the case for EP's. Sometimes AC are not prepared to "actively listen with an open mind" to what their parents have to say.

If only there could be open and honest communication, I'm sure many estrangements could be avoided.

You quoted "You can only be accountable and apologise if you know what for" and that's true. Without going back through the thread, I don't know who posted that but as the OP is an EP, I would think it was said by an EP.

Some of us simply don't know why we've been estranged. Our EAC refused to talk to us, to tell us what's wrong. In our case what we know was said, had no basis in reality, it isn't true.

Parents who love their children do apologise if they are in the wrong. It's what we did with both of our sons and continue to do with our DS.

Saying you don't remember and/or 'that doesn't sound like me' as you say, is never going to enable the relationship to move forward.

“You can only be accountable and apologise if you know what for.“

What if, after things finally led to a months-long estrangement, and then you agree to sit down and talk things out … what if you explain to your parent why you’re upset and hurt, and they flat out deny what you said and don’t acknowledge their contribution?

I explained clearly the things that affected me and gave examples, and how the same things that happened in my childhood still happen now, but I’m no longer a child. I’m an adult as well, with my own children. And I was told “I don’t remember that,” “That doesn’t sound like me at all,” etc. I explained that the very thing they got upset with me about, they did the exact same thing to me, but I was expected to understand and do better. When I said and yes, I’ve apologized to you, but I never got an apology in return, my father actually said “Apologize? Since when does the parent apologize to their child?”

You can explain your side and your hurt, your trauma, your anger and sadness … but if the parent isn’t willing to actively listen with an open mind, it’s not going to go very far.

Yes, and me. But, I spoilt mine (still do even though the youngest is 18 lol ?), and my DD and SIL are happy with it.

Grandparents can also act as a buffer - I've lost count of the times, as young teenagers, they used to rock up here, after getting into a mega row with their parents, (as only teenagers can), and stay here for a day or two. I used to talk them, giving them a verbal rocket, if necessary, and then they used to go home and be reasonable lol
?

Same with us DiamondLily. It always took us a day or two to bring our boys 'into line* if they'd stayed with their paternal GP's, because they'd been spoilt but that's what GP's do isn't it.

Same with me. My parents spoilt my two children rotten, but I wouldn't have dreamt of issuing rules, ultimatums or estranging them. My children loved them to bits, and vice versa.

When they looked after them, whether for the day, the weekend, or took them on holiday, I trusted them totally, and that was all it needed to be. ?

Lolo18, I have read your posts, after scrolling back, as I had missed a lot due to illness. Something, just one line leapt out at me, the line you said, yes I estranged my mom because she gave my son liquorice. Now I don’t know why that was banned, perhaps he is diabetic or has some conditions that threatens his health. If that were the case I would not have left him alone with her if she just ignores me, but estrange no. If it was just you preferred him just not to have sweet things, I would. say if you continue to do this mom I can’t leave him with you. My late mil, was a nightmare, mine didn’t have a dummy but she got one and dipped it in sugar, she laughed off my wishes until we cleared the air. My children loved her I couldn’t and wouldn’t let that be a reason for not seeing the grandmother they loved. All the time people make allowances as we do for them, believe me no one is perfect, as their children will let them know 30 years down the line. There is so much judgement now and entitlement I wonder where the children's feelings are in all this, it’s like total control as only they know how things should be, no respect for parents who love them, so sad. No doubt you will say she did other terrible things that she shouldn’t. Remember watching a programme of the panel of Loose Women when all of them said, granny’s house, granny’s rules, thinking how I wouldn’t have done the things they did, but their children did and it was joked about. It’s curious how some people need this control. I just thought the more people that love them the better.

Lovely comment, Allsorts, and really brave and compassionate to take this approach to your daughter’s life after the hurt you have felt. I hope that it brings you peace and healing. I believe that this compassionate, loving, approach is best for all of you—you and your daughter—because in the event of a reconciliation you will not have unkind thoughts to renounce or hide. You will be able, I hope, to meet your child and grandchildren in a sunny, loving, optimistic way if the chance arises.

Allsorts. It will be a comfort to know that she is happy with the life she has chosen, despite the pain of knowing that you're not a part of it.

We can only hope that our ES and GC are happy.

As hard as it must be Allsorts your comment was, I'm not sure I have the right words and I don't want you to think I am patronising you again. I just really wanted to acknowledge your comment and say I think it was wise and brave

Thank you Daisy for your concern. I couldn’t and wouldn’t just turn up.I did that a long time ago and was ridiculed. I have made the decision to let her be. Whatever her reason, only she knows them, it is clear she prefers things as they are, it would just upsets her if did as she has stated quite clearly she doesn’t want me. You have to respect peoples wishes, she is a grown woman with her own family and a lovely husband and life, with lots of friends, her life is how she wants it. I do still get down, I will never stop missing what we were to each other, but you can’t keep a bird in a cage and be happy. I tell myself each time I get low, she’s happy, that’s what matters. I am lucky with my friends and my other child, have to remember what I have not what I want.
I think it has made me more aware of others, their feelings so something has come out if it. ?

Its not a good idea to show up on someone's doorstep if they've made it clear they don't want to see you, it will likely be seen as you forcing yourself on them. It may be taken as an evidence of you not listening, not respecting boundaries etc.

Ps

I know that it would difficult but do you think that You could turn up at her door..perhaps be prepared to leave something on her doorstep if she does.Perhaps practice out loud what You would say to her even if it's only brief.
I really hope that you have the
courage..you never know she may shut the door however She will reflect regardless and maybe just maybe contact You

Often people come across as rude due to the way they write things down.. with no warmth...even a Smile Emoji can go a long way.Clearly this lady is suffering and would like some friendly advice .

Yes I suppose it is Allsorts I hadn't thought of it like that before, but I wouldn't want that sort of behaviour on my conscience.

I'm so pleased that you've made the decision to move forward too .

It’s easier when your conscience is clear, yes it might take time to take that step, however when you know you did all you could to resolve things, listened but was told nothing, you have to go forward. I would hate to have been the one that caused such pain.

Yes it is hard Sara but time helps and we're just thankful to be in a better place.

Smileless
I have been doing it for twenty years
My only regret, is that I didn’t do it sooner.
I am pleased you can find some peace, but it must be so hard not knowing why it happened.

We still love our son Sara but 9 years later we have no desire for reconciliation or mediation. Like you, we don't want to hear anything our ES has to say. Whatever that may be, it's too little too late.

What's done is done and we have to accept that, move on and make the most of what we have.

I hope you can do that too.

Even with anonymity, it’s not always easy to be completely honest, there will always be places. I think, where I just don’t want to go.

I have no interest at all in reconciliation or meditation, I don’t want to hear anything she has to say

I think therapy, and a willingness to put things right, are only possible if you still have some feelings for your parent/child. Well I don’t, I don’t love her, I don’t know that I ever did. But that didn’t stop me craving her approval.

Cross posts Madgran. I agree that many posters do have the best interests of others in mind when they respond, but not everyone.