Yes...I found your account a little baffling, but in all honesty, I think you need to let this go....for now. Jesus says don’t worry about tomorrow, just focus on the problems of the day. That’s enough for anyone. I know you can’t do this so specifically with everything, but in this instance....I think you can.
You have apologised, and that’s all you can do. To keep doing it could make things worse. Just enjoy what you can, while you can, and don’t try to change things you can’t.
As a fellow Christian, we know there is much better to come.
God Bless
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