Presents without Prescence

Thanks Smileless. True, I can't make her pay for her own care , but I happen to know that she is well able to pay for her own care, should she choose to have it. Unfortunately she is still acting helpless and saying she needs care, but there is no relative living near her to give it, so it's Mum's choice whether to pay for it or go without.

I don't feel I have failed with my Mum. I feel exasperated, disappointed and let down that I did everything I thought she wanted and set her up with everything she needed to live a successful independant life when I went back to work- and she cancelled everything. It's her choice. It would be incredibly selfish and unreasonable of her to expect me to stay with her forever when my kids, husband, pets, life, job and everything are all in this part of the country. I was never going to stay. I was only ever getting things set up for her so I could return to my life, which she moved away from when she moved house hundreds of miles away- her choice. What a shame she made that choice.

Yes, there is more contact with my son and hopefully we can build on that. Families can be so tricky!

Taking some time off sick is a good idea Onward so I hope you'll be able to do so. ^It's not within my power to do what she's asking^; that's it then. You simply can't so it's up to your mum then isn't it. I know that's all very well in theory, and much harder when you have to put it into practice, but you can't make your mum pay for her own care.

No wonder you're feeling burnt out, so you need to take some time out so that you can deal with your mum, and do so without any feelings of failure or inadequacy.

It's good that you and your DS are talking more and there's more contact; something positive to concentrate on.

Thanks for the understanding. Being hormonally challenged and burnt out has wrecked me lately. My Mother, (as I wrote in another post) has messed me around a lot and is not willing to pay for her own care. So, its a threat from her- "either you give up working and care for me full time OR pay for my care or I won't have it". It's done my head in , to be honest. It's not within my power to do what she's asking as I need to work and she's 200 miles away.

DS and I have been talking more and they are keeping in touch more. I need to be better at dealing with my Mother so I can be a better parent.

Least said soonest mended i think.
At least they are thinking of you,some on G/net don`t have that comfort.

I am hormonally challenged and it is awful and I have sons who would rather avoid emotions of any kind, so I can understand a bit of this scenario myself. I get upset, they keep their distance...

Being burned out as janejudge mentioned and the menopause can really affect your outlook. It doesn’t mean that you’re imagining things where they aren’t - clearly your son and your relationship is a little bit like hard work at the moment, but counselling and some respite will help you feel more resilient and back feeling yourself and more fact orientated as you mentioned.

It’s so tough. I had a few years of finding my dil and son very stressful leading up to big blow up, but things are very open now and we talk about issues as and when they happen now.

Sending ? I know how hard and how all consuming this will feel for you right now. Seek out a counsellor and some respite (good on you for being so good to your elderly relatives, again I know how tough that is) and I’m sure the situation will be managed once you have rest and outside eyes on the situation.

That's a good idea actually. That and some (additional perhaps?) home help for your elderly relatives?

could you take some time off work? or get signed off sick? being burned out isn't healthy

Personally, I think you need to be yourself. Within a family we don't all rub along, sometimes we irritate one another, sometimes we argue, sometimes everything is fine but we are all just ourselves. If you can't be yourself in front of your own family, when can you be?

See a counsellor and talk this through with them. You most probably just need to get it off your chest.

Your son has chosen his wife, he wasn't trapped and you need to accept that and move on. They are a family unit too now, there is no going back.

Herefornow maybe it's that, but knowing him, he wanted attention too. By then we hadn't seen each other for a few months and I'd been trying to organise something- but he wasn't keen. I think he suddenly became keen and then found I was a few hundred miles away. Knowing that now, will do things differently next year.

Can you explain how Im in danger of talking myself into an estrangement situation Mawthemerrier? It's not what I want, in any way- though there is a history of estrangement on my parents generation. I definitely do not want to be like them and will work on anything I need to in order to not be like that.

Lately my mental health has not been good since becoming burnt out looking after other relatives. I have always prided myself on being fact driven and not emotionally driven, but lately it's all gone to pot and hormones are going mad, which isn't helping.

I have had counselling before and as I said before, am open to it.

OnwardandUpward. I would just send thanks, as you have said, for the gift and leave it at that.
We can all over think things and I know I do. Try not to, just let it go, appreciate he has thought about you.
And it really doesn't matter if there are two threads on the subject, it doesn't matter at all.
Best wishes.

Dilly the Gardener -great post and very wise.
With two threads on this topic , onwadsandupwards you are in danger of talking yourself into an estrangement situation.
What you have described can be perfectly easily explained by many possible factors, anxiety at work or at home, just being overwhelmed with work, other preoccupations or even health issues.
Why do you see everything as a slight directed at you? All this stuff about “Head games” may well be in your own head and if your attitude cannot be helped by counselling or a clear look at the facts , I am afraid there could be much unhappiness store for you - and self-inflicted at that.

A very good thoughtful post there onward. Just to add - its even possible he's not looking for you to be involved in a celebration of dil, he just wants to be able to focus his attention, and their kids' attention, on her (rather than you)?

Personally in my family we would celebrate our mothers, mil, grans etc, while assuming to be celebrated a bit by our own kids/partners. HOWEVER, sil recently got herself in a snit because we didn't specifically say happy mothers day to HER, because that's how it's done in her family. She's not my mother/gran etc, so why would i?? Just mentioning this to highlight that different families think different things are appropriate.

I should probably add that, in the past, my son has told me that my DiL does not respect me because I'm "too nice". I have always been kind to her , done lots of things to help her and treated her as the daughter I never had- but it was clearly not welcome and I did take a back seat, not really knowing how to proceed. I didn't feel angry, but accepted it as "cultural differences".

Still, perhaps counselling may help... but I can only fix my side- and seeing as being nice, kind, open, friendly and loving hasn't worked, I will be interested to see what a counsellor actually says.

Herefornow its possible that my son was disappointed that we didn't do a celebration for his wife. We didn't the year before though and they didn't seem to mind then. Having elderly MiL and Mum, me and my husband have tried to make the most of them.... but we probably will try next year to do something for DiL, or at least offer.
I did already say that I thanked them.

Thanks Dillythegardener , I don't feel resentful or simmering, but it was a misunderstanding. Yesterday I talked with him and neither of us had a clue what the other one meant. At least realising that, was an important step forwards and we were able to explain. Anyway he does want to celebrate Easter with us and GC are asking for us. It's just so difficult having extremely elderly parents at the same time as being grandparents and also still working full time. We are so exhausted- and that doesn't help.

Maybe you are right about counselling. DiL and I have never had cross words, but she goes silent for long periods. Perhaps there are unspoken things. They say when you don't like someone or don't think well of them in some way that they can pick it up- and maybe I did feel that she "trapped" my son by becoming pregnant and her family (different culture) forced them to marry. We didn't get to know each other before that time and she's not an open person. I think she finds me too direct, so I am constantly trying not to be- which means I am actually struggling to not be myself. Perhaps she feels this and like you say, counselling might rid me of those views. She is the mother of my GC and I don't want to feel negatively towards her or my son.

There seems to be simmering resentment on both sides. Have you tried working with a therapist yourself to work on these issues and gain some clarity?

I did and it made a huge difference with my relationship with my son and dil. There is cheaper subsidised therapists out there too if you look around.

There is a big change and transition when our children get married and have their own children. The power dynamic shift, and the way you raised them, then becomes reevaluated by our children when they have their own children. It’s also hard for us as parents when our children are longer under our control, they get married and new ways of living come into the mix and they decide to do things differently and value different things from when we had raised them .

It can all feel like a personal affront, you mentioned that time not gifts was valued in the way you raised them, but perhaps for the moment, if you are not communicating well, that’s all he feels he is able to offer in the relationship.

My therapist pointed out to me, my recollections of my sons childhood would be different to his recollections.

My advice would be to talk to someone professional outside the family to gain perspective. Because right now, if you are upset and resentful, he will know that even if it’s not implicitly said, and it won’t make in person visits enjoyable for either party, which won’t be helping to stop him keeping you at arms length.

I would let it go though. Just say - thank you for such generous gifts, i can't afford to match them in value but know that i love you dearly and have some eggs and things for you as well which i can post or bring in person, whatever works for you.

It seems to me that what your son is trying to say about mother's day being for the kids, is that he thinks it should be a day when mothers who are actively mothering children are celebrated? Ie he thinks you shouldn't be looking for mothers day attention because your kids are up and grown. I DON'T PERSONALLY AGREE FYI. Not condoning. By ignoring mothers day and then making a point of sending extravagant easter gifts he is underlining this premise. "I see you, I've not forgotten you, I'm happy to gift you, just not for mothers day, because I've decided that's inappropriate or whatever".

Is that possible do you think?

No idea Caleo but where there's life, there's hope!

OnwardandUpward, is this "For Easter" perhaps meant to draw your attention to rebirth of hope and new beginnings? Does your son like symbolism?

There isn't a side. It wasn't a disagreement, but he seemed irked that I was at my Mums and tried to say that it is done differently in her country. Then when I said I was with my Mum because that's the done thing, he said she was indifferent. It's a cultural difference, I expect.
I am inclined to say "when in Rome..." but that would be stupid.

I wonder if by indifferent she just meant she was neutral and didn't want to take a side? It doesn't sound like this is much fun for her either.

What I mean is, my son messaged me on Mother's Day about how Mother's Day should be about "the kids". I think he was annoyed that I was with my Mother and not him?? But I can't even begin to fathom that because I'd already asked him to make plans and he wouldn't. He then went on to make me feel very disrespected by telling me that daughter in law says .......... and in (her country) they do ....... , to which I said that I'm British and we do things differently here. Then I stopped engaging, gave up all hope- and bingo- six days later an extravagant gift

Caleo No never!

It's not been done before, by anyone. I have a sneaky feeling it's to undermine Mother's Day (which was ignored) because it arrived 6 days after.

I think DiL might be behind it. DS told me before we last saw them that she had "said some things" and might not be seeing us after all. Then at the last minute, plans were on....I never did find out what she said and didn't try to find out. On Mother's Day, he told me she was "indifferent" to me. I'm not sure why. I think she might be behind the head games. I didn't want to join in with the DiL bashing and have always given her the benefit of the doubt- but even I can't keep it up.

Yes. a lot of good advice. Thanks everyone. I am keeping my side right, but not going to make loads of effort either. Will play it cool.

It does look as if he doesn't want estrangement Onward and I know what you mean when you it's what he's not saying that's worrying you.

Feeling kept at arms length is stressful. I hope that things improve.