Estranged hut sending cards

Technically it was actually my mother I accused of stalking us...

And that is exactly what she was doing.

I had made clear it was unwanted contact.

But when pressed I have said that unwanted contact is indeed stalking, The question was only whether getting no reply made that clear or if it needed to be actually said or not.

Thats not a judgememt really because like me, others may need to come to that realisation for themselves.... And as I have said, coming to that realisation may actually help them to heal.

So given the question i was actually discussing... If someone makes it clear they want no contact and the contact keeps coming.. Is that stalking MissA?

Of course they can.
Who said otherwise?

So Miss A
I love the double standard - EP can make the decisions they are best for them and they do not impact anybody else
But the same cannot be said for EAC

I agree MissA unpleasant and unnecessary comparisons.

Well, it's fine to disagree.
For me, it's about keeping things in perspective.

Everything in life is about spectrums.
I could shoo my cat off the bed, or I could kick it around like a football.
Vast difference.
I could send a child away from the table for messi g around, or I could systematically starve a child.
I could lose my patience and shout, or I could use my voice as a weapon, to terrorise a vulnerable person.

I dont agree MissA

Thats what unwanted contact is,

I don't agree estrangment doesn't make that clear enough...

It is a harsh reality true, ive been estranged by family members myself who did not agree with my decision to estrange my mother. I have felt that pain when messages and cards went unanswered. It was horrific.

I stopped when i realised no contact was wanted.

The other side of that was that every unanswered card caused me pain amd stopping meant i could focus on healing and not being reliant on someone else to heal me.

So if it is an unliked comparison, its one that also comes from my own experience on both sides of estrangement

I certainly don't see anyones life being improved by asking for support and being likened to a stalker, an ever present and ominous presence, who constantly oversteps the mark, and who lies and manipulates in numerous ways.
People, not rocks with no feelings, as has been said.
There is no need for these comparisons.

Those cards used to harm me on my birthday but putting that aside... It isnt really my point, except when i say again, most believe they are justified to estrange... There are those who dont believe I am, there are those who dont believe many are but that doesnt change that they and i have done it.... And perhaps for whatever reason their life has been improved by it in some way as they habent gone back...

Any family member who has estranged any family member usually believes they have done so for a good reason.

There is something everyone on this forum, who comes asking for support with their estrangement knows on a basic level...

And that is that they are estranged.

So if they know they are estranged and the years have shown that is unlikely to change, then I think the message that no contact is wanted is quite clear...

The only time there would really be a point in reaching out would be if there had been some sort of change and an understanding of why the estrangement had occured and how to mend that from either party.

How likely is that? Should life really be on hold in hope for that?

Does sending cards help anyone really?

If at some point, those impacted by estrangement, on either side of it, cant move on from that relationship, as I couldn't for years... They risk harming themselves.

Obviously I dont mean talking about it and getting support... I mean having any expectations of the other party involved and healing your pain being reliant on them giving you what you need in some way.

I have learned that healing my pain must come from me and i am responsible for that. Not the person who hurt me.

I realise i have just rambled and said the same thing multiple ways but editing is beyond me at the mo.

Of course we do Bridie if that's our decision .

Violet Sky...you have every right to end a relationship as you wish...we also have the right to try to fix it where possible.

It's the difference between my imaginary partner telling me to stop nagging, or grabbing my face, holding it close to his whilst he shouts at me, with his other hand raised ready to punch me "Stop effing nagging!"
A spectrum.

Hithere...been there got the cuts...but im willing to risk more for my children.

Exactly MissA if an EAC feels that being sent cards is being stalked then that can be communicated to their EP's either directly, or by a third party.

This thread is about sending cards, not stalking on line, sending unwanted gifts or arriving uninvited and unwanted at someone's home, none of which I can imagine anyone thinking would be acceptable.

Is sending cards when you've not been asked not too stalking? Not IMO, but if it's regarded that way by the recipient of those cards then all they have to do is say so. They've already said they want nothing to do with the parent(s) they've estranged, so saying they don't want to receive cards or anything else for that matter, shouldn't be too difficult should it.

I believe so.
A card which arrives once a year, that a person can drop in the bin is nothing like contacting children and disrupting their lives, turning up uninvited to someone's home, making up accounts in order to try and gain access to the family.
No comparison.

So it is a spectrum of wrong?

The parent here isn't doing that, though.
You are talking about your mother.

Misadventure if I left any other relationship and they continued to stalk me online, send things to my home, turn up in person at my home and also do these things to minor children sho arent theirs.... Well everyone would cometely agree with me that was awful behaviour.

Yet when its a parent doing it, it is somehow different and as an adult I have no right to end that relationship on my terms...

I will never understand why that is the case.

I am not owned amd neither do i owe my parents anything.

It is the same with my children. If i want their love, respect and their presence in my life i must earn it. I know more than most it is not a given.

Sending a card doesn't go automatically with stalking children and all the other stuff.
That is some people's situation, certainly not everyone's.

Glad that works for you Violet Sky.

Bridie

A million papercuts and a billion chances will do that to you

How do you know how many chances she was given?

If my attempt at communication is still unwanted im dam sure my EC could tell me !!
But...what if they are just waiting for an opening from me?, Hithere, just because you are steadfast in your estrangement doesn't mean all are otherwise families would never reconcile.

Hithere, how do you know what Sleeping was going through ? Have you never made a mistake? How do you know what her son is feeling? Thank goodness there are people who with some life experience can see that there can be forgiveness and a fresh start. One wrong action doesn’t make a bad person, a wrong choice perhaps. Sleeping was young herself, going through a tough time, didn’t stop her loving her child. I don’t know all the circumstances, so I wouldn’t judge her, I do know you haven't walked in her shoes, but I see she’s hurting and loves her boy and isn’t harassing him. How can you forget giving birth and that love you have? If he doesn’t wish to have any communication with his mother he could return the cards.
Everyone deserves a second chance.

The thing is that No Contact is a loud statement. It is a statement that says, i will no longer speak to you.

Some estanged parents are of the opinion that i have done the right thing in 2 ways, which are that I have given reasons for estrangement and i have made my desire for no contact clear.

But doing those things came at a huge cost. Breaking no contact with a person you no longer want a relationship with, comes with an emotional cost.

For me, giving my reasons for estrangement gave my mother something to address in replies to me. Her demands for reasons were answered so why not her other demands to me? All while my reasons were ignored or denied. All i achieved was to show her that if she kept making statements i did not agree with at some point i might reply.

When she was sending cards and stalking my children on social media and I made clear that none of us wanted contact, it was simply a reply to her, it spurred her on, it showed her that she could make her presence known and acknowledged even of the only acknowledgement was me saying i did not wish contact. It let her know her words were getting through and i was seeing them.

Now I am in true No Contact, I do not answer, I do not acknowledge, I do not read and neither do my children.

The attempts have finally stopped.

Any estranged adult child looking for advice on the internet would easily find what No Contact is, a way to protect themselves. They will read experiences like mine which will show why breaking No Contact causes more harm.

Whether their estranged parents agree with their estrangements, any reasons given etc... A lot of adult children do believe they have a good reason to estrange... Whatever the cause of that, whether they are right or wrong, whether their perceptions or memories are real or not.... Thsy believe they have good reason

So if they are full No Contact and years have passed with no acknowledgement then very likely, that is a loud statement in itself.

It's the same point as was made just now.
Both sides are made up of people with feelings, rather than rocks.
It isn't about any one person holding the power.