Drug abuse

Socks I think it was obvious what you meant re socialising! And your choice to do that hardly has bearing on the problems your son is experiencing now!

*"I rarely socialised I stayed at home with my kids"
That was not a healthy decision, sorry to say*

Eh? Dear me!

When it comes to adults making mistakes, we do seem to be living in a blame culture I agree DiamondLily and Chewbacca and parents do seem to be the easy target.

?

Chewbacca

Agree with you again DiamondLily! Blaming mothers, wives, siblings, the vicar or his dog for one's own crap life choices demonstrates a low level of emotional maturity - it's all her/their/his fault my life is going awry. No. It really isn't.

We live in a "blame culture" where it's always someone else's fault, and everyone needs counselling...?

Adults need to take responsibility - if you lash it up, then own it.

Agree with you again DiamondLily! Blaming mothers, wives, siblings, the vicar or his dog for one's own crap life choices demonstrates a low level of emotional maturity - it's all her/their/his fault my life is going awry. No. It really isn't.

Socksandsocks01

I didnt think of that. So yes we visited friends. relatives etc. I meant I didn't go out drinking at weekends. So kids did mix in with my family and friends they fathers aunts uncles and cousins. I sacrificed like we all do.

Most of us didn't have the time/money/both to go out to pubs at weekends.

And, I certainly wasn't taken to pubs, as a child.

For many adults, if we reflect back on our childhoods and parents, some things about them and/or our lives that weren't perfect or could have been better.

Our kids do the same, no doubt.

But, the vast majority get on with life, as adults, without making excuses for making a mess of things. That's what being an adult involves - making choices, and, hopefully, doing things well.

Don't beat yourself up - you did your best.?

I thought it was obvious what you meant Socks.

I didnt think of that. So yes we visited friends. relatives etc. I meant I didn't go out drinking at weekends. So kids did mix in with my family and friends they fathers aunts uncles and cousins. I sacrificed like we all do.

Impossible to explore an AC's drug dependency when they've estranged you and there's no contact and communication.

Your son is an adult, and must take responsibility for his own life choices.

Absolutely 100% this. Don't ever let anyone tell you that someone else's drug abuse is your problem to sort out sockandsocks; it isn't. Your son chose to dabble in drugs, the consequences of doing so are well documented and yet he continued to do so. It isn't yours, or his wife's, or his siblings responsibility to "explore the reasons for his dependency;" that is responsibility displacement; shifting the responsibility onto someone else does the addict no favours whatsoever. Your son is the only one that can do anything about his drug use; his acknowledgement that he has a problem and wants to do something about it is the first step. And only he can take it. You have nothing to berate yourself for.

Your son is an adult, and must take responsibility for his own life choices.

As parents, we are, sometimes, quick to think it must be "our fault", but people take drugs for all sorts of reasons, and they must live with the results.

If he wants counselling/treatment, then he must seek it.

There are no perfect parents, but we do, usually, the best we can.

There are no perfect children either, even if they think they are..?

I wouldn't have a junkie in my house either, related or not, because it's all about the next fix.

So, I would press on with your life, and hope that he realises he will trash his life unless he changes.?

You clearly prioritised your children's social lives over your own Sockandsocks and as you say, socialising costs money.

As you've said in your OP, he needs to take responsibility for his choices and when there are no addiction issues, EP's are almost always accused of being bad parents who didn't and don't care.

If there were things in his life that he was troubled by then they should have been talked about. If we don't know what's wrong then how are we supposed to put it right?

There's nothing you can do but get on with your own life, just as he's getting on with his. It must be a constant worry, knowing that he has this addiction but until he accepts that the problem is his and seeks help, nothing will change .

Personally I would want to explore why my child was having difficulty in relationships, especially parent, sibling and partner relationships. I would also want to explore why they became dependent on drugs.

This could have roots in childhood, children go through many important developmental stages right from birth that can lead to lifelong issues. It isn't necessarily the parents fault, things like depression, anxiety, PND, divorce, lack of socialisation, difficult or volitile relationships around them can all impact on a childs development and can impact children very differently depending on their stage of development even children in the same household.

So I would want to explore that with my child, as a family if possible and preferably under the direction of a professional.

These feelings your son has towards you have come from somewhere and even if that is not related to childhood lr anytjing you have done wrong, they will need to be heard amd accepted to start to move forward.

Hope you find a way forward together

There's lots of assumptions here about addiction - because his wife said he 'took cocaine and other drugs' - as many people do. It may well have influenced his behaviour, though, at the time. Perhaps he felt rejected when he needed your understanding.

He's now moved away but we can't expect them to stay nearby for ever, anyway. If he doesn't want to stay in touch, just get on with your own life.

I get it socks. I would say I didn't socialise much because I didn't have much time without children and no help. However I really socialised all the time. We were always visiting people and going out, it just wasn't personal child free socialisation with only my own wants in mind.

Not socialising myself meant more money available to spend on shoes and ßchool uniforms. Treats for them. Day trips with schools. Xmas presents. All takes money. Socialising costs money. Kids socialised I didn't. It wasn't there fault I was divorced I didn't want their welfare to suffer.

Do you have an organization like Al-anon in the UK?

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://al-anon.org/&ved=2ahUKEwj9_oiCl7L4AhVSDEQIHbPMDUYQFnoECAcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0p6hGQImAOTrINs1Smxp-E

Yes it is and there's absolutely nothing to suggest that when a mother doesn't socialise herself choosing to spend most of her time at home with her children, that those children's socialisation suffers.

What does this have to do with the OP's son addiction?

Socialization is a key skill for a family

Why wasn't it a healthy decision?

Anybody taking drugs gets their mind altered

"I rarely socialised I stayed at home with my kids"
That was not a healthy decision, sorry to say

Thank you everyone. I'm grateful for your responses xx

Drink and drug.

Socks you have done everything you can. I don't know about drug addiction. But mom's youngest brother my uncle was an alcoholic. His wife left him and took the children as she feared for their safety. He was always getting money out of my nan for drink. One day my nan said no and he went to hit her. The look of horror on my nans face made him realise he was far gone. And went started to his GP to ask for help.

He went into a drink and drink hospital to dry out. This was back in the early 80's . He never drank again . My nan forgave him and insisted his siblings did to . He volunteered at the hospital as it was his way to pay back for them giving him his life back.

His daughter was 18 when she decided she wanted to see her dad . And shortly after his son did to he was 23. They rekindled a good relationship . But my uncle died when he was 62 due to lung and liver cancer.

He always said with an addict whether drink or drugs you can't help them until they want to help themselves.

You are a good mom you protected your other children . There is nothing you can do if your son won't help himself.?