Anxious...I would appreciate your thoughts

It's not "over anxious" when one adult offers help to another adult when one of them has to walk with a sore knee.

"Over- anxious" is relative to the amount and type of help offered. In any case it's hurtful and counterproductive to blame anyone.

My goodness there are some very judgemental replies on here., mothers are automatically in the wrong whatever according to some. Bertha is over anxious and needs to step back , just for a while. I doubt her daughter would estrange her for something so petty, I know there’s a few that would, but they are just looking for excuses not reasons.

I do not think it is unusual that the OP's daughter is not relying on her mother for support. When children become adults, they sometimes chose people other than their parents. Spouses, friends, etc.

Op; you tried to tell your daughter that she was not up for the walk. Something that you no longer get to decide. When she told you she was fine, you persisted. She told you not to check on her. You insisted. You then contacted her friend behind her back.

Is this normal behavior for you? Do you think that this type of behavior could lead your daughter to limit telling you anything personal about herself?

She is not responsible for managing your anxiety. There are professionals for that.

Your daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions about her life. Your relationship will improve greatly if you take that to heart and start treating her like the adult she is and find professional help for your anxiety.

Something a lot of parents of AC experience buffyfly.

OP

You are treating her like a child
You ask a question - don't like her answer, so you ask again, or do arrangements behind her back

You refuse to hear and respect her decisions because you prefer soothing your anxiety

Back off and give her space - stop projecting your fears of estrangement because you may make it true

As parents it seems to me that we can't really win ! I learned the hard way to back off, as others are urging you to do. When they want your help they will soon let you know! Having backed off for some time I now find I am criticised for doing just that. This morning my 48 year old daughter rang to tell me she was going to earn £600 doing some medic shifts at a festival. I said that's really nice. But apparently I didn't show the required level of excitement at this news and was accused of spoiling hers. As I said, you can't win, you just have to get on with your own life

BerthaT I'm sorry you're struggling with anxiety and don't feel emotionally strong.
It sounds like you are a very sensitive person. Are you allowing your close friend's relationship with her daughter to get under your skin? Perhaps you've spent too much time listening to her problems at your own expense and now it's spilling over into your life?

BerthaT

The best friend just called me to say my daughter has just called her to ask her to drop by......daughter didn't even know I had asked said friend to check in.....and yes. I am hurt that she didn't want me but more than that, anxious why. I think that's normal, though I'm m sure now you'll tell me otherwise ?

I feel badly for your daughter that her mother and best friend are discussing her behind her back

Thank you, I see this.

BerthaT

Oh and yes,as someone just pointed out in this thread I am making it all about me, that's why I posted ...because I am anxious.
? . Haven't been to see daughter. Haven't called etc etc.

I am sure your concerns are well meaning. I am sure you want things to be good between your daughter. However, if you ask for advice on here, you will get it and it might not be what you want to hear. I might be totally wrong but it appears from your posts you want reassurance and no constructive criticism. That just doesn't happen on GN.
Of course, the best person to ask is your daughter but in view of your defensiveness, I hesitate to recommend that!

Are you generally an anxious person?
It can be wearing for others so I've been told..
Someone I know came home from seeing his fiance to his dad raging, because his mum was anxious.
They ended up having a fight!"

The point was that his mums anxiety dominated their lives.

BerthaT - I know you are hurt. So was, I when my daughter had an op to removed a growth on her thyroid and asked her brother to tell me not to visit her in hospital. I think I knew why or rather I hope I knew why - I’m an emotional person and would have been a total mess ……

Oh and yes,as someone just pointed out in this thread I am making it all about me, that's why I posted ...because I am anxious.
? . Haven't been to see daughter. Haven't called etc etc.

I hate people keep "fussing" over me if I'm poorly or struggling.

I know what I can manage, and what I can't, and I get ratty if people try to tell me what I should be doing.

Perhaps she just wants a break from fussing and questions.

I'd back off a bit, send a chatty message in about a week's time, and see if she's ok then.?

It really doesn't matter what is 'normal' for us - it's what your daughter wants that matters if you are concerned about your relationship with her.

She is an adult, (I assume?) so her views should be respected. It doesn't come across as though that is the case. It can be difficult to let go of the idea that we should still be the 'go to' people for our children, but as they grow up they grow away from us in some ways, and we have to let them.

We don't like to think of our children suffering, but with something like a knee there is nothing you can do to make it better (chicken soup isn't going to cure it ), so apart from offering to help if and when you are asked to do so, the best thing you can do is nothing, I'm afraid.

I'm sure it will be fine.
Sometimes people just need a bit of space, particularly if they're in pain.
Try not to worry, but also not to bring up the anxiety side of things, perhaps?

The best friend just called me to say my daughter has just called her to ask her to drop by......daughter didn't even know I had asked said friend to check in.....and yes. I am hurt that she didn't want me but more than that, anxious why. I think that's normal, though I'm m sure now you'll tell me otherwise ?

BerthaT

I also consider it just fine to show my concern at the beginning as I did not want her to feel obliged to do the walk just because I had asked her to do it with me. Clearly what stands out to me here is that I should not show concern.
Tho I do take the point to back off.

This could be the problem you consider it fine to do something, without taking her pretty bold hints that she does not.

Please back off a little, trust your daughter.

I’d be very annoyed at my mother if she had acted as you had. Sneaking around and sending her friend over is just beyond the pale.

Apologise, give her space, move on.

I am a terrible patient, and really don't want people faffing about around me, and asking how I am all the time (Mother, I'm talking to you ).

I understand that people like to show that they care, but there are times when that is more helpfully done by taking people at their word and backing off when asked to do so. I would be furious if my mother contacted one of my friends to talk about my health (or anything else, for that matter). My mum can be overbearing, but even she would know better than to overstep the mark that.

Unless there is something else going on, there is probably no need to see this as an estrangement matter though. Your daughter probably just needs a bit of time to calm down before she sees you again. I would try hard not to snap at my mum, as she's old and means well, but if I were in pain I might find it difficult. I would leave her to it for a while and wait until she contacts you.

OP, you didn't hear what you wanted to hear and you have become defensive and prickly. Nobody said you shouldn't have concerns about her. Are you like that with your daughter? Perhaps she's needing a wee break.

BerthaT

I also consider it just fine to show my concern at the beginning as I did not want her to feel obliged to do the walk just because I had asked her to do it with me. Clearly what stands out to me here is that I should not show concern.
Tho I do take the point to back off.

Dramatic. You’re making this all about you.

Your dd was sending clear signals that she was coping with her knee injury and didn’t need your input. Why did you ignore what she was indicating to you? What on Earth do you think her best friend could do to make it better? In fact, what do you think the worst outcome of a sore knee might be? It’s hardly life and death.

It's so hard not to read too much into a situation Bertha especially when there seems to be an increasing number of parents being estranged by their AC, and you know someone who is estranged but try not to worry.

You did nothing wrong by asking her if she wanted to go ahead with the walk but asking her best friend to checkup on her was an error of judgement IMO.

Just take a step back and wait for her to get in touch. I'm sure everything will be OK.

I think your over thinking it. Your adult daughter has got a strop on with you for whatever reason, end of.
That might sound a bit harsh but I suppose it comes from having over 30 yrs of it ?
Thank god for HRT is all I can say ??

Someone I know, his little girl said she didnt want to go to her nan's.
Asked why, she said "well, she's just so nice all the time".
Perhaps that is the issue?

Our daughter recently sat in A&E for 8 hours by herself. Her husband dropped her off and then had to go away for work. She had been given an appointment and assumed she wouldn't be long. She had no money so sat for 8 hours with no food or water. We are 15 minutes from the hospital and offered to take her some money and food. She refused. She rang to ask me to ring a taxi to take her home as her phone was out of charge. Of course we offered to collect her. Once again she said no. Eventually she agreed to us picking her up. It's beyond me to be honest.