8 things we should avoid saying to an estranged child.

I've read your posts maddyone and I've frequently wondered how you've had the patience and wherewithal to maintain the relationship with her that you have - I'm afraid I'd have given up long ago. One consolation, if needed, is that you've been a far better daughter to her than she has probably been to you. Your conscience should be crystal clear.

OK * Chewbacca*, but I have explained what I meant, apologised for the upset and pointed you in the direction of the comment I was actually (politely) defending people in your scenario against....

I've simply been misunderstood.

I am sorry you are upset, particularly on this thread.

I'd like you to try and listen to what I am saying though as your hurt is misdirected

I don't expect to achieve anything but, seeing those words felt very invalidating, as though disliking a parent, for many, many years, is not considered sufficient grounds to walk away from them. And this statement I don't know if it would even be seen as estranging or a conscious decision in that situation. was particularly hurtful. It is estranging and it was a very conscious decision that took many years of difficulty to be reached. Just like any one else who is estranged, for whatever reason at all, that decision is never taken lightly and that's why your post was particularly upsetting and hurtful. You've always asked for respect and to not have your reasons for estrangement invalidated. I'm not seeking an argument here; I'm only asking for the same respect and consideration for my circumstances as you and anyone else.

No one has ever said any of those things to me, but I’ve thought them about myself, because I feel guilty about my feelings towards my mother. She wasn’t the best of mothers and she was terrible at times, emotionally abusive, particularly when I was a teenager and young married woman. The emotional abuse went on for some 30-40 years. I never estranged her but I often thought about it. She’s old now and in a care home and so I visit and do my best for her as far as I can. She’s actually become quite mild in the last three or so months as her age advances.

Chewbacca you need the question for the context of my reply.

If its a situation where two people dislike each other sometimes they could see each other and be polite and possibly they wouldnt call it estrangement, they would realistically not have relationship in that case though

That is twice I have explained what I meant.

Can I ask you what you are trying to achieve with this?

Obviously I'm not in the situation of estranging due to 2 people really disliking each other..

I don't know if it would even be seen as estranging or a conscious decision in that situation.

I think you could still see each other around and be polite which is good but to me that isn't a relationship.

I didn't actually say that though Chewbacca

If someone is estranged the clue is in the word.

I acknowledge your apology vs In keeping to the OP of the thread, I would therefore add:

No.9: Don't suggest to an EAC that they could still see estranged family around and be polite.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202207/medium-673266-screenshot-20220725-132610-chrome.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202207/medium-409816-screenshot-20220725-132610-chrome.jpg

I think perhaps my reply is being confused with the comment I responded too

Chewbacca
Agree

Chewbacca

I wasn't assigning that to all situations that involve a lack of relationship due to dislike and I wasn't assigning any of what I said to estrangement.

"Could" in this context was used to mean "possibly" or "if you wanted to"

I wouldn't judge someone in that situation or think anything negative of them

Sorry that didnt come across and thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify.

I don't know if it would even be seen as estranging or a conscious decision in that situation.
I think you could still see each other around and be polite which is good but to me that isn't a relationship.

That feels like my reasons for estrangement are less valid vs; whilst mutual dislike of parent/adult child might not seem to be an adequate reason to estrange for some, for those involved, it totally precludes any possibility of still seeing each other around and being polite.
You wouldn't continue to socialise and meet up with an acquaintance or "friend" when there is dislike, negativity and hostility; you'd avoid them completely. Families are no different when it continues for many years. Please don't dismiss those of us who have chosen not to have that in our lives.

Well I know from personal experience how difficult it is with an inlaw Sara so totally understand how it would be much harder if the person is a parent.

Smileless
I think you could rub along with a cousin or an inlaw you don’t like, but not a parent.
I know a lot of people manage, but I can’t really see the point.

but it can be wearing, especially when you have no idea what you’ve done wrong.

...

Just to complicate things, my eldest daughter and my mother remain close, and I seriously think she is part of the problem because she’s stirs things, she will be cleverly dropping things into the conversation about her siblings, me and my other grandchildren.

Oh this so strikes a chord.

I agree Iam that estranging does seem like an extreme response to 'not liking'. That said I can understand why it can happen but not when an entire family is estranged.

For me, not liking would result in less contact if it were a close family member but not estrangement

Iam64

Obviously I'm not in the situation of estranging due to 2 people really disliking each other..

I don't know if it would even be seen as estranging or a conscious decision in that situation.

I think you could still see each other around and be polite which is good but to me that isn't a relationship.

Relationships are something more rebt they.

I wouldn't judge someone in that situation or think anything negative of them

VioletSky

Definitely agree

We shouldn't have to have relationships with people when we don't like each other

I’m not looking to polarise this VioletSky but this post stayed with me. I absolutely accept some parent-child relationships are so toxic that estrangement is the least worst option

I know that’s the focus of this thread but hope I don’t offend anyone when I say estrangement is extreme response to not liking. Many people dislike each other but rub along in families, workplaces and more. I strongly disliked my ex husband but managed to avoid escalating things for the benefit of our child
Apologies if you see this as picky. It’s not intended to be, I know you place value on wirds

Chewbacca
Sorry to hear that, but it’s good to know someone who gets it

Your family dynamics sound very familiar Sara1954

Just to complicate things, my eldest daughter and my mother remain close, and I seriously think she is part of the problem because she’s stirs things, she will be cleverly dropping things into the conversation about her siblings, me and my other grandchildren.
She delights in other peoples misfortune, and I am obviously top of her hit list.
I’m certain she would be thrilled beyond belief if she could cause some serious damage.

Children's opinions should be respected on any estrangement decision.

My older children chose with me having theor own negative memories and the biggest worry was them feeling guilty that they didnt love or like them.

Second youngest I had an age appropriate conversation about how we should treat other people and how my mother wasn't a nice person and was deliberately hurtful and she agreed with my choice.

Youngest doesn't remember them

I always think if you have a massive row, or your maternal relationship is volatile, you possibly still love one another, and fences can be mended.
But if you just don’t like one another, no point in trying.

Chewbacca

*There are awful parents and dreadful children, but sometimes it’s not really either, it’s more just not liking one another, and you can’t fix that.*

This x 1000

No, it's not fixable if you don't like someone. You'll probably never like them.

However, if it's in your children best interests to stay in touch (grandparents, for example), then it can be manageable.

Depending on the background/circumstances, it can then be a case of the adults behaving well towards each other, and the children maybe enjoying a different relationship with the person you don't like. ?

Sorry Violet
Over to you