Things to avoid saying to an estranged parent

When someone you love has mental health issues,it is incredibly difficult to navigate, especially if they have said hurtful things.

I have so much respect respect those who are able to stay compassionate and ready for if healing does happen.

It can be completely impossible to get help for a loved one unless they are making themselves or others unsafe. They have to choose it for themselves.

Allsorts mental health issues makes an already impossible situation even more so and must add to the distress that estrangement already brings.

Knowing your ES has these problems must be very worrying for you especially as you have no idea, apart from what you're told by relatives, how he's coping on a daily basis.

As mums, all we want and all we ever wanted was to be there for our children because regardless of how old they are, they remain our children and that desire to help and protect never leaves us.

Yes, mental illness adds another very painful dimension to estrangement.

I think that mental health issues throw yet another grenade into the estrangement mix.

Someone with mental health issues doesn't usually have clear thought processes, and their memories can be all over the place.

Discussion becomes a bit fruitless because their reality can be warped.

They, obviously, can't help having these issues, but, without knowing what the true problem is/was, I guess you will have to go with the flow and hope that, sooner or later, he gets the right sort of help and comes through it.

Best wishes.?

Quote from another thread 'I wouldn't doubt for one minute that in the case of estrangement, at least one "side" (for want of a better word) has tried and tried before giving up contact.'

Not always true. My ES son after developing sudden mental health problems and deciding his upbringing must be at fault but having no idea why or how said. 'I need time apart to work it out' and will be in touch in a few weeks - which turned into full time estrangement lasting years.
I finally got a letter saying what he 'thinks' are the reasons for being angry. After my careful response he's now not sure how he feels.
I went several years with NO mention of what the problem might be. I'm still not sure because he's still exploring it rather than being sure himself. I've heard from another family member that he's changed his mind regularly over the years about what he thinks and how he remembers things. I can only wait patiently for each step and respond the best I can.

Sounds very therapeutic Chewbacca, I need to get that game.

Chewbacca

On our Whack a Mole, we've put the names of people that we don't like, and stuck them on with blue tack! Boris and Proto et al get a fair few thwacks!

Sounds like a good game! I think you'll need to add Truss or Sunak before long.?

Priti not Proto! I don't know who Proto is or if they deserve a thwack!

On our Whack a Mole, we've put the names of people that we don't like, and stuck them on with blue tack! Boris and Proto et al get a fair few thwacks!

Smileless2012

Yes it can feel like that sometimes DL so I guess all we can do is keep whacking away!!!

Keeps us on out toes, and saves us getting bored lol ?

Yes it can feel like that sometimes DL so I guess all we can do is keep whacking away!!!

They used to have Whack-A-Mole stalls at fairgrounds, and the kids used to love it.

Over the years, I've felt like I'm playing it with family members and their dramas - squash one, and the next one pops up.?

When I started this thread there could have been a few things I added that I can see are invalidating to EPs but I didn't because I didn't want to speak for them.

But I do recognise and wouldn't say them myself

Oooh can we arrange a play date then? Pretty please.

The GC have it Smileless, it's most cathartic!

'whack-a-mole' haven't played that for years Chewbacca.

Oh my goodness, I've only just logged on and seen this - very busy morning! I'd like to say that I'm astonished but, some key phrases were used last night, that did kind of "out them" so thank you MichaelGransnet for swatting yet another one. It's getting a bit like whack-a-mole on these estrangement threads recently but, as you've all already said, it's becoming so predictable lately that we could almost write their script! Good observations @ 09.08 Diamond

Yeah I know what you mean and sometimes I do ignore it but sometimes, the temptation to respond is just too great!!! It's hard not too when you can see people being bullied and insulted.

As you say, forums bring out all sorts.

Smileless2012

Well that's the intention isn't it DL to cause friction, disruption and upset.

It isn't easy to carry on posting when things become as unpleasant as that, and so good when people wont be bullied off and are prepared to stand up for themselves and others in a sensible and polite way.

I do wonder why they bother - they are so transparent. ?

Best ignored really - 'twas ever thus with forums - it brings all sorts out.?

Well that's the intention isn't it DL to cause friction, disruption and upset.

It isn't easy to carry on posting when things become as unpleasant as that, and so good when people wont be bullied off and are prepared to stand up for themselves and others in a sensible and polite way.

Thank you Michael - it was getting bizarre again. I think most recognised things for what they were, but it does cause friction.

It's very rare that a genuine new poster would come on, immediately attacking some posters and defending others.?

Goodness knows why they haven't got anything better to do with their lives.

Thank you Michael for the deletions and for allowing this thread to remain.

Thank you Michael. I often avoid estrangement threads because some posters seem to want to cause or add to distress by being unkind and confrontationsl

VioletSky

Just popping into say we have just had a discussion about passive aggression and it is NOT what I thought it was.

I thought passive aggression is the hidden messages meant for you in people's communication. The little digs, the " we know what you did last summer" type whispers. The, "I will pretend to be friendly in front of others but I want you to know I hate you" stuff

Turns out passive aggression is just pretending to be upset and offended for attention, sulking and silent treatment...

Live and learn I suppose

Thanks for explaining why you referenced it Violet. I am wondering if you have ever read "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Ann Dickson. I actually knew her many years ago and she was a strong, interesting woman with a lot to give to others. . It gives excellent summaries and examples of different styles of behaviour including passive/aggressive all in comparison to Assertive open behaviour. It might be quite old now but the message and the information are great. It is still in print as still relevant. Let me know if you read it and what you think