6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Kate1949

Yes of course Lily.

Chestnut. Our daughter put on A LOT of weight a few years ago. My husband kept telling me to 'tell her'. Did he think she didn't know she was overweight? She subsequently lost four and a half stone by herself with willpower alone and me not 'telling her'. She went from. size 18 to size 10. A fantastic achievement.

That's amazing Kate1949 but I don't think many can manage that kind of weight loss. It requires a mental overhaul and a reason to lose weight.

VioletSky She deserves to love herself.
I'm not sure anyone who has gained 3 stone (possibly more) is going to love themselves, knowing where they are compared to where they were. That is the problem. My concern is her mental health, as I feel she has given up and can't find the motivation. I'd like to help her believe it's possible and believe in herself, but the whole weight issue is such a delicate subject.

I think for me personally I would add to this list, Don't make your children carry your burdens

My children don't need to know everything about me. They don't need to carry any of my pain. While I can teach them about what we should or shouldn't accept about relationships with others or how to get help if something does happen, I don't have to give them examples of where I learnt that. I need to be strong for them.

I'd also add Don't let your mental health negatively impact theirs

Having suffered depression and anxiety, it's still important that children get to experience things in childhood, take risks, climb trees etc.. They also need to know being depressed or anxious, isn't a crime, many face both of these at some point in their lifetimes and it is OK to get help and be honest about it.

Good for her Kate.

Your D will probably be more upset about her weight gain than anyone else Chestnut so unless she wants to talk about it, say nothing and then when/if she does, you'll be able to give her all the love, help and support she'll need.

Yes of course Lily.

Chestnut. Our daughter put on A LOT of weight a few years ago. My husband kept telling me to 'tell her'. Did he think she didn't know she was overweight? She subsequently lost four and a half stone by herself with willpower alone and me not 'telling her'. She went from. size 18 to size 10. A fantastic achievement.

Chestnut

Would I add anything? Yes.

What do you do if your daughter has gained 3 stone since lockdown and it breaks your heart to see her lumbering around?

Nothing, say or do nothing

You could do a lot of damage to your relationship even if it came from concern.

Your daughter is the same person

She deserves to love herself

Summerlove

#6 for me.

Saying no to my father - even his ridiculous requests would have me having a panic attack for the day and be high anxiety for days. I was taught to always please him. Saying no - even to things that he should know I cannot do - provoked a lot of passive aggressiveness ei "Thanks for your help"

My stepdad was similar... I have never understood sarcasm or passive aggressive behaviour, I can't spot it unless it's opposed to what I know another person thinks

Kate1949

I don't think it's child bashing. I was pointing out that it isn't always the parents who are at fault.

In estrangement, either parties can be at fault.

ACs aren't always in the right and are not victims.

Nor are EPs.

Would I add anything? Yes.

What do you do if your daughter has gained 3 stone since lockdown and it breaks your heart to see her lumbering around?

And it was fair enough that you did so Kate as that prevents it from becoming a parent bashing thread. Bashing children or parents when it comes to estrangement, is never helpful and nearly always counterproductive.

Stiller

@Smileless thank you! It’s important to me that all parties involved in any conflict see the importance of maintaining a basic respect. Once respect is lost on one or both sides, there’s hardly a way to move forward.

@DiamondLily

But that can also be subjective. For one party, diffusing the situation could mean the other party fully submitting to wishes that are contrary to their own. For example, my mother would say that I escalated the tension by not giving in to her demand that I visit my parents with my baby and without my wife. In her mind, I should have just kept the “problem”—my wife—away and we could have all been a happy family. In my mind, this was a malevolent request that sought to fracture my nuclear unit and isolate my life partner. In my case, the source of the tension absolutely mattered.

I think all these varied responses actually fortify my belief that respect is so foundational no matter the root of a familial conflict. So much can vary in terms how how each party sees the same issue. But if we strive to not cross the line into disrespect, conflicts can mostly be navigated.

**disclaimer, I am not speaking about abusive situations. I do not have experience in that arena so I would not presume to be able to tell anyone abused to respect an abuser past or present.

Stiller - no, in your case, I'd have done the same as you. But, I would see that situation as your mother not wanting to defuse tensions.

She should have treated your wife respectfully. But didn't. So she's reaped what she sowed,?

I don't think it's child bashing. I was pointing out that it isn't always the parents who are at fault.

PollyDolly

The problem with parents disapproving prospective friends/partners is that it only makes people dig their heels in. and that often leads to bad choices on their part.
I know, I made a bad. choice. Enough said.

Yes, I quickly learned that if I told my (then) teenage daughter that her latest boyfriend has disaster written all over him, suddenly (in her head), it became "love thwarted by rotten parent"...? and she got keener on them.

So, I used to say how lovely they all seemed, and she didn't bother with them for long.

When she met her future husband, I really liked him, thought he was perfect for her, but didn't dare say that, or I had visions of her walking away from him to be awkward, so I just made non-committal noises.

She's been married to that lovely man for 25 years now.?

With teenagers, it's about learning how their minds work lol

I wasn't aware that it is Summerlove. Can you give specific examples of what's been posted so far that makes you think it is?

That's a good point PollyDolly.

@Smileless thank you! It’s important to me that all parties involved in any conflict see the importance of maintaining a basic respect. Once respect is lost on one or both sides, there’s hardly a way to move forward.

@DiamondLily

But that can also be subjective. For one party, diffusing the situation could mean the other party fully submitting to wishes that are contrary to their own. For example, my mother would say that I escalated the tension by not giving in to her demand that I visit my parents with my baby and without my wife. In her mind, I should have just kept the “problem”—my wife—away and we could have all been a happy family. In my mind, this was a malevolent request that sought to fracture my nuclear unit and isolate my life partner. In my case, the source of the tension absolutely mattered.

I think all these varied responses actually fortify my belief that respect is so foundational no matter the root of a familial conflict. So much can vary in terms how how each party sees the same issue. But if we strive to not cross the line into disrespect, conflicts can mostly be navigated.

**disclaimer, I am not speaking about abusive situations. I do not have experience in that arena so I would not presume to be able to tell anyone abused to respect an abuser past or present.

Why is this suddenly a child bashing thread?

#6 for me.

Saying no to my father - even his ridiculous requests would have me having a panic attack for the day and be high anxiety for days. I was taught to always please him. Saying no - even to things that he should know I cannot do - provoked a lot of passive aggressiveness ei "Thanks for your help"

The problem with parents disapproving prospective friends/partners is that it only makes people dig their heels in. and that often leads to bad choices on their part.
I know, I made a bad. choice. Enough said.

Exactly DL and I would say all families TBH. Relationships are complex and not so easily defined and/or explained.

I should think virtually all families, happy or otherwise, whatever the ages of the children, have sources of tension, over the years (and more than 6, I'd say).

It's not the sources of tension that matters - it's how both sides deal with them.

If one side chooses not to defuse the tensions, then problems grow.

Yes I agree Smileless

Of course it isn't Kate and the link provided is only giving one side of the story and IMO for any meaningful conversation to take place, both sides are needed.

It's not always the parents who cause the problems.
My very first post on GN some years ago was regarding my relationship with my daughter, my only child. I thought we were close. I was wrong.
She became friends with a young woman and her mother. The three of them would go out to theatres, cinemas, meals etc. I was never invited. Sometimes another friend and her mum went too but never me. She would tell me what they had to eat etc.
Of course, my daughter is a grown woman and entitled to do as she pleases. That didn't make it less hurtful and insensitive.

I agree M0nica "out of how many?" Sources of tension can also be subjective. What may be a source of tension between one set of parents and their AC, may not be a source of tension to another.

I totally agree with your post Stiller, so well written and balanced in particular your final sentence; spot on.

I too had the same experience as far as disapproval of partner is concerned. What my wife and I have learned from our experience is when our children become adults, it’s best to just let them live and learn. Never “have a quiet word” with your adult son/daughter about their partner. No one takes kindly to people asking to talk behind the back of their spouse. It will likely backfire and you will deservedly be on the outside. Don’t offer unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to babies/children. We will have raised ours so it’s okay to let our offspring raise theirs how they see fit.

What I’ve learned from my brother is that it is best not to dismiss experiences and memories of childhood simply because they do not conform to your view of your child’s early life. My brother wasn’t mistreated by my mum, but I was clearly favored. My mum and dad will deny this with every breath but it is true that I was the Golden Child. This would hurt my brother’s feelings but I think it must hurt him more when they deny how much he was overlooked.

But the main thing—and this goes both ways—is that people need to respect other people. Do not expect the respect you won’t give. Being a parent does not entitle us to bulldoze boundaries and have a lasting relationship. Conversely, adult sons/daughters need to understand that when we become adults we are responsible for ourselves and our choices in adulthood. I’ve seen some resentful adult sons and daughters disrespect parents at the smallest thing, yet willingly hold their hands out for financial help and inheritance. Can’t have it both ways.

If we all agree that no blood tie entitles us to disrespect anyone, it will help a great deal.

AGAA4

The problems my sister and I had with my mum was disapproval of our partners.
My mum would take every chance possible to criticise my DH. All this did was to alienate me. My sister had the same problem.

I faced this too and there really want any reason for it. He was never invited anywhere and they never sent him a card for Christmas or his birthday.

The worst part was that I hid just how awful the way my mother treated me was from him for years because of the negative things they said about him.

He used to joke they were poisoning me because I'd be ill every time I visited...

He was right in a way