6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Regarding advice, I respond "oh I don't know, maybe look it up, all information is easily available."

I don't prefer to give wrong advice, information changes over time.

Well obviously that's your choice Diamondlily

But no one should expect their daughter or DIL to do the same

Unless they want to damage their own relationship

Smileless2012

Good post Normandygirl.

Before our estrangement which happened when our GC was only 8 months old, ES did ask for my advice but always by 'phone when he was walking the dog or he'd pop in to see me.

He never asked in his wife's hearing.

I asked my mum more than my m.i.l. and my gran would often give me the benefit of her un requested advice about weaning and potty training. 'You're weaning too soon and potty training too late' for example. Child rearing practices change over time don't they and some things may be better today but we managed to raise our own, and our parents managed to raise us and their parents them, so we all must have done something right.

Although my mum wasn't brilliant emotionally, (to say the least!), I always asked her and my Nan for "baby" advice, if I needed it.

There were a few childrearing books around then, but nothing beats experience!.?

Curiously, the most famous of them was by a Dr Jolly - it was treated as the font of all knowledge. Unfortunately, years later, during the wide scale investigations into possible causes of cot death, his advice was found to have been very flawed.

Experts change their opinions frequently, as with everything else.

I stuck to my mum and nans advice, and we all survived the experience lol ?

The problem with that is that we also have a wealth of easily correlated information now.

We know some practices are dangerous.

So information amd guidance have changed on so many things to keep babies and children safe.

Then there are the times when mothers are shamed regardless of their choices.

Just look at one example... as a new mum I was told that formula was much better for babies, that it had the perfect blend of vitamins and nutrients. My mother didn't breastfeed me and she told me that formula was the better option and also that I could easily feed my baby when out and about.

This sort of thinking led to so many mothers feeling their bodies could not provide for their babies adequately and breastfeeding being denormalised and shamed in public.

Later breastfeeding was advised again and to do so people had to fight for it just so they could feed their own baby when they were hungry. I breastfed later babies and experienced this for myself.

I had an elderly woman literally switch seats in a restaurant so she could glare at me, I didn't have anything visible.

Mothers should get to choose, should never be shamed for doing one or the other, never be told they are harming their baby with such a small choice.

But the damage that has been done by old fashioned views is staggering.

Good post Normandygirl.

Before our estrangement which happened when our GC was only 8 months old, ES did ask for my advice but always by 'phone when he was walking the dog or he'd pop in to see me.

He never asked in his wife's hearing.

I asked my mum more than my m.i.l. and my gran would often give me the benefit of her un requested advice about weaning and potty training. 'You're weaning too soon and potty training too late' for example. Child rearing practices change over time don't they and some things may be better today but we managed to raise our own, and our parents managed to raise us and their parents them, so we all must have done something right.

You raise interesting points Normandy, yes, the change in the dynamics has been quite sudden, when you look back hasn't it? I think I probably did the same as you when my own DC were little, although, I'll admit, not often. I've never offered any unsolicited advice to my DDIL about my GC because she's far better professionally qualified in childcare than me, has a lovely mum of her own to turn to and has done perfectly well so far without my input!

TBF this is more a generational "mismatch" . In times past, and even in the present day, in lot of societies elders were seen to be the wise and experienced members and their advice was sought and respected. You had your baby, at home, probably delivered by your neighbour and the only help and advice available to you would have been the older generation. I'm not talking about hundreds of years ago, even in the 1960s and 70s this was still prevalent. Watching a couple of episodes of "Call the Midwife" shows how rapidly things have changed in just one generation. I remember when my own children were born, the "go to" person for advice on everything from nappy rash to chickenpox was my mother and I never saw her advice as interference or meddling, just her being helpful and caring.
It's not just childrearing of course, and every aspect of life has been increasingly overseen and monitored by the state/ authorities making the wisdom and experience of the elders in society deemed redundant and unwanted. The speed of this change is unprecedented from an anthropological perspective.

It's not always easy...it involves much biting of tongues. ?

To be honest, though, my daughter often asked for advice/ideas with various situation, she wanted us to be "hands on" with the grandchildren.

But, it's knowing when to stand back, and to never contradict or undermine the parents. ?

Oh yes, the first and most important commandment in the GP's Bible for sure.

Wise grandparents keep childrearing advice to themselves, unless the advice is asked for.

Commandment #1 in the Grandparent's Bible.

I agree. Wise grandparents keep childrearing advice to themselves, unless the advice is asked for.

Keeping it zipped is the best way.?

Perhaps a better small example of tension source, between GP and AC, is the notion that GP has had children and knows how to do this that and says such - nobody except the AC is raising this particular GC, understands this GC, knows this GC as the AC does. "Be quiet, say nothing" comes to mind. Huge mismatched expectation is thinking AC want advise or 'help' IMO.

Thanks for explaining the facetime, Smileless. Our family all live close, no need here. I'm glad you have it.

FaceTime is great for talking to relatives and friends, especially if they are overseas.

My son lives in America, and I can see him (and nag him!) from a distance.?

At Christmas, we managed to get all the family on there at the same time, we had a sing song and had a laugh.?

My grandson had his new love there, and we had a chat with him as well.

I think adding mismatched expectations to the list was a great idea Norah, and am surprised it wasn't included in the list as I think it's probably the most common source of tension.

Facetime is where you can talk to one another on screen via the internet, face to face. It's really great and we'd be lost without it as we speak to our son in Aus. virtually every week and it's been a real blessing being able to do so.

Smileless I admit I have no idea what facetime comprises? I read that, when you posted, wondered and forgot to ask.

That's so true, there isn't a compromise for a yes or no issue.

The answe should be accepted

My initial thought was to add "Mismatched expectations" to the list, and I stand by that thought, especially as I have mismatched expectations with many of you nice posters

Good example Norah. I did post a day or two ago that one compromise would be facetime between visits. That for me is an example of a compromise that requires the co operation and need to compromise from all parties.

Where there's a will there's a way springs to mind. I agree that there are areas where compromise isn't possible but not sure that there are many.

This is from a different thread (What is the best advice you have been given ?) Expresses what I mean quite well, regarding AC and time constraints. Accept that "NO" gracefully!

Keekaboo Fri 29-Jul-22 11:41:35
My doctor told me not to be afraid to say NO it was the best thing ever. I took his advice and started to say no to family and friends when they kept asking me to do things I really didn’t want to or have time to do.
I was run ragged and very stressed trying to please everyone but myself but since then my life turned around.

I think there are many areas where compromise is not possible

I would agree totally with that and, in those situations, full, frank and open dialogue is key to maintaining any semblance of a viable relationship.

My comment wasn't specific to children seeing their GP's Norah. As a child, I spent a lot of time seeing extended family; aunts, uncles and cousins as did our boys. Of course there are many positive childhood experiences that don't include GP's or other family members, but when there's estrangement those particular experiences are never going to happen.

I agree with you that for the children who've never known their GP's they don't know any different but that isn't always the case.
Sometimes due to estrangement, children suddenly stop seeing and interacting with the GP's they've grown to know and love.

We've seen numerous examples of that being the case here on GN, and have heard from heartbroken GP's that their GC have asked why they can't see them anymore.

If the children are very young, they wont remember their GP's but the older ones will.

Madgran77 "Hi Norah just to explain that in my earlier comment I was responding to your post above in terms of why people might be giving a GP perspective in response to your examples.

I think compromise by all parties when needed can help to develop and maintain healthy relationships."

Thank you for explaining, I understand.

I think there are many areas where compromise is not possible, accepting graciously what is offered works better than falling out over minutia (number and length of visits is my best example). Maybe "compromise when needed" is key - AC see no need for (say) excess visits, there is nothing to compromise.

Before I estranged we used to visit once a week. This involved packing up what I needed for 5 children, travelling there and back in the car and following the rules of their household. So this meant children not allowed in the house as often as possible, shouted at for touching walls or not drinking a drink in a specific place etc

When I pulled back a bit and said, can some of these visits be to us, suddenly there were all sorts of excuses and cancellations. After years and years of me ensuring I rarely missed a visit.

So lack of compromise can cause a huge issue.

It also leads into double standards...

Smileless2012 "When you've had positive childhood experiences, you want your children and GC to have them too but it doesn't always work out that way."

I'm assuming here, apology if I am wrong.

If you're referencing current GP having had positive childhood experiences with their GP (I surely did) - I'm not sure how you conflate current estranged GC not having positive childhood experiences. They don't know any difference and presumably their mums fill their children (the GC) time with other positive experiences (there are many ways to have fun).