6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

No worries Norah

VioletSky I believe you missed when I commented young parents are busy? Too busy to have extra people "being a part of their lives"

It's my opinion, and different to yours.

That is true Norah

Sometimes there is a big difference in how it is approached as well.

If I am close to someone I don't go as a guest, especially if someone has had a baby or is busy with small children. I go to be part of their lives, not a guest in it.

I'll make my own tea, help prepare and clean up after lunch, take the kids for a walk...

I've been rewarded with so much baby cuddling over the years lol

That is very true Norah.

VioletSky, Would you add anything?

Perhaps there is an all-embracing principal that people ignore? AC are adults, they may not want to visit their parents as often as before they married and had children. They're busy (activities, laundry, exercise, cooking, childcare, commute, work, Church, friends) and need a break from requests to encroach on their valuable family time.

Not rude, just how it is.

Oh thats right up there with So and So is just like that, so you need to work around them

Things can change, but only if people choose to accept that. Obviously in this case there are people working actively against it.

Sorry my autistic daughter needed a balloon immediately lol and I pressed the wrong button

Whatever you need is fine by me, I have a bee in my bonnet at the moment, I'm sorry.

Large age gap between me and my brother too, so I get it. I think it makes it easier for them to triangulate when you don't technically grow up together

imaround

No VS. Let's not. If they all want to continue to talk around us regarding a different subject that is on them.

My mother ruined my relationship with one of my sisters. Due to an age gap, she decided that we did not like her and treated her unfairly. Which was never true. But she still, all these years later, pushes this sister on us.
We are all adults with grown children now and still get accused of not playing fair.

Jeez, I didn't realize that there are so many ways for tension in a relationship to creep in.

Whatever you need

You're between a rock and a hard place then imaround.

Yes Smileless, that is exactly my scenario. It is super frustrating.

No VS. Let's not. If they all want to continue to talk around us regarding a different subject that is on them.

My mother ruined my relationship with one of my sisters. Due to an age gap, she decided that we did not like her and treated her unfairly. Which was never true. But she still, all these years later, pushes this sister on us.
We are all adults with grown children now and still get accused of not playing fair.

Jeez, I didn't realize that there are so many ways for tension in a relationship to creep in.

Your resentment that your mum is undoing all the hard you've done is perfectly understandable*imaround*. Would it end up falling back into your lap, if you take a step or more than one, back and leave her to get on with it?

Would doing so inevitably mean that you would have to go through the entire process again?

I wanted to help my mum with her finances when my step dad died, and she was fine until I started questioning my brother about the amount of her money, he seemed to be spending.

She asked me to stop saying she would sort it herself.

When she died, my cousin 'phoned to tell me and also to say that my brother said there was no money left, so unless we paid for her funeral, he'd have to go social services.

My brother was the last person in the world she should have entrusted her finances too, but there was no telling her. She just wouldn't listen. So I understand your frustration because you know there's nothing you can do.

Chewbacca

^It is the attitude that we here in the US are somehow less than because of our culture^

Now that's just patently false and a brief read back through the thread would confirm that. To date, the similarities/differences in British/American humour has been touched upon, with no suggestion whatsoever that either is less than.
Baby care has been discussed, with both British and American authors involved and neither was less than.
Differences in customs, culture and lifestyle has been discussed and neither was deemed to be less than, in fact, British failings with knife crime was highlighted.
Class sizes, child rearing through the generations and within the UK, Australia and the USA, with neither country being held up as being less than.

No xenophobia on this thread thus far from what I can see.

Nor me. ?

imaround

Maybe we need to move our conversation to the support thread?

This one seems a lost cause

It is the attitude that we here in the US are somehow less than because of our culture

Now that's just patently false and a brief read back through the thread would confirm that. To date, the similarities/differences in British/American humour has been touched upon, with no suggestion whatsoever that either is less than.
Baby care has been discussed, with both British and American authors involved and neither was less than.
Differences in customs, culture and lifestyle has been discussed and neither was deemed to be less than, in fact, British failings with knife crime was highlighted.
Class sizes, child rearing through the generations and within the UK, Australia and the USA, with neither country being held up as being less than.

No xenophobia on this thread thus far from what I can see.

My mother has ruined my relationship with my brother, not that I like him much after some of his behaviour.

Apple and tree

Thank goodness I am an orange.

I did get a few messages from him letting me know I needed to fix things with her because he was sick of hearing about it.

I did explain to him that it was between myself and my mother and no one else.

Didn't stop her sending everyone who would listen to have have a go at me..

Why do they do that?

DiamondLily First rule: Never involve other family members. Best to keep it all seperate

Indeed. I never talk about my children, their spouses, their children and grandchildren one to the other. Ever. Nobody else business.

I will be amazed if my brother does anything for my mother if she needs it. Historically it was always me who dropped everything and went running.

He can have the inheritance, I just want my self worth

My mother is the person who plays siblings off each other. Always has and is still doing it. Sadly she has created a monster so to speak in my sister.

Now my sister is waiting in the wings and would bleed my mother dry and leave her homeless under a bridge if she could. I am doing everything I can to protect her from that.

Norah

I think this is a huge source of tension between AC and parental units: If a family member is playing relatives off against each other, getting one family member on side against another... Siblings especially should be kept out of the drama and encouraged to have a good relationship with each other no matter who else doesn't get on. (loose quote).

IOW don't talk to outsiders about your own issues.

Yes.

First rule: Never involve other family members.

Best to keep it all seperate. ?

Yes, forum life meanders. But then the OP and others ask for it to get back on topic, especially because it is a highly charged discussion, and we are blatantly ignored.

The polite thing to do is to say, yes I should start my own thread, sorry about that. Instead, you three are ignoring the topic and ignoring the requests.

This American has better manners than to do that to someone thankfully.

I don't really want to say that politics was a source of tension between myself and my mother because I wasn't really interested in talking politics.

But her self importance certainly was.

The amount of times she ruined a situation or a nice day out because she wanted to talk about her opinions...

I've literally had her run after me shouting "BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU MY OPINION VIOLETSKY"

It is actually quite funny looking back, she had no self awareness at all.

Thank goodness I read back through this, I typed my real name quoting my mother and it's quite unusual and identifying lol

I think this is a huge source of tension between AC and parental units: If a family member is playing relatives off against each other, getting one family member on side against another... Siblings especially should be kept out of the drama and encouraged to have a good relationship with each other no matter who else doesn't get on. (loose quote).

IOW don't talk to outsiders about your own issues.

Sorry that was meant for imaround

Not diamondlily doing whatever that is still

I hope you get there soon, metaphorically at least and you are taking breaks when you need too... the linger the better