Do abusive people know they are abusive?

VioletSky

I feel ready to take away her remaining headspace

Recently I realised the hope was gone the she could ever change.

The other day I read:

"It's dangerous and dismissive to assume that because we talk about our stories, we still exist inside them"

And it really made me think, what is left? What more can I let go of?

This question was the last thing puzzling me.

That is actually an example of the love and empathy I still have for her as my mother...

That's what needs to go

One peice of work I have done over the years is from the book "Family secrets - What you don’t know can’t hurt you" by John Bradshaw. It's only avaliable to buy in book form. The link to it is at the bottom

It's was part of alot of years of different therapy. There are practical written tasks to do in the book which really were beneficial to me.

I came from a very nice childhood on the surface: it was full of secrets, lies, violence (Dad) s*xual abuse by a cousin. Everything was covered up as it was then.

The ex was also violent. I have happily remarried since and broke the chains.

I think subconsciously they know though will never admit it. I don't think they know how too. DeNial is not just a river in Egypt.

Letting go is a lifelong process as are any indepth emotional scars

Family Secrets: What you don't know can hurt you amzn.eu/d/169KfDU

Definitely not they are always right in everything they do and you are always wrong speaking from experience

No it didn't feel normal when it happened.

Kate1949

Smacking and such like were pretty normal back then and yes teachers did it. Beating a child up wasn't.

No, beating up a child has never been normal.

It’s crystal clear to me that the woman I now refer to as my late father’s widow knew exactly what she was doing when she swindled her mother-in-law, my grandmother, out of her money and properties. Because this woman had also been abusive to me, I took my grandmother’s side and fought through the courts to protect her interests. I have since come to the conclusion that this abuser is a narcissist who took very strong exception to something my grandmother said, and never forgave her for it.

My ex adored his children, and they him.
They were a credit to their mum and him.
He was a very unconventional parent, though, to put it politely.

Smacking and such like were pretty normal back then and yes teachers did it. Beating a child up wasn't.

I couldn't trust mine as far as I could throw him in terms of faithfulness.
He said "you know what I'm like; I can't resist an ego boost".

I keep reading that if people are abused as children, they go on to abuse. I went the opposite way. Never in a million years would I have treated my child like I was treated. I realise that it is not always the case of course. I've never understood anyone wanting to put another human being through the horrors of abuse.

MissAdventure

I feel neither one way nor the other about being smacked.
I'm aware that I "should" feel terrible about it, but I don't.

Perhaps if the rest of my childhood was terrible, I might do, but it wasn't.

The ex spoke about his dad blacking his eye on Christmas day, then all of the family eating in silence whilst his dads AC/DC music blared out at full volume.

During my childhood years (50's/early 60s), it was absolutely normal to be smacked.

Even the teachers did it.

I can't say that had much impact either way.

No, I was never physically abused, he didn't swear at me, he wasn't unfaithful, he didn't really drink, never gambled, and worked hard,

The epitome of a wonderful husband and father..

He used to wait until he felt I was tired, unwell, stressed, whatever - and then go in for verbal "kill". Starting a silly row, then lapsing into "I'm a victim of your aggression".?

It's wearing.

My ex wasn't really abusive to me, as such.
He would try sometimes, to find a chink in my armour, some means of getting at me, but it didn't work, I think, because I did have a secure, loving upbringing.

I was once sat in my bedroom and overheard a conversation between my mother and a neighbour. The neighbour asked my mother why she disliked her daughter so much and was always 'getting' at her. My mother was very indignant and denied that she nagged me. It didn't stop her doing it though. Even my own brother commented on it. She was obviously in denial.
My husband, on the other hand, was well aware of what he was doing. It gave him a feeling of power and control.

I feel neither one way nor the other about being smacked.
I'm aware that I "should" feel terrible about it, but I don't.

Perhaps if the rest of my childhood was terrible, I might do, but it wasn't.

The ex spoke about his dad blacking his eye on Christmas day, then all of the family eating in silence whilst his dads AC/DC music blared out at full volume.

And- I also used to justify my own experience of voilent parent by saying " yes but I was a naughty girl" etc. See? Brainwashed.

Sometimes.abuse behaviour is somewhat inherited from life experiences.i did to my horror and eternal shame started by smacking my little ones when "naughty" I thankfully quickly realised that they were just children being themselves. It's because I was always regularly smacked slapped and yelled at for what I realised in later life,were non incidents, just me being lively/curious/ daft. At the time I thought I was being " normal" I wasn't.

Yes, I think poor childhoods can be a theme. My ex, unquestionably, had a bad childhood. Abused in many ways.?

Curiously, for a time, he seemed happy with his life with me and his children.

We had a nice home, jobs and two lovely children.

Hoevever, it wasn't too long before he started using passive/aggressive behaviour to get his own way.

Even a minor debate with led to "poor me" syndrome for him, looking sad, victim face, going back to talking about his childhood, saying he didn't know why I felt the need to upset him, even when I hadn't.?

When I pointed out my childhood hadn't all been "Pollyanna", and that I wasn't running around moaning, that was apparantly because I was "hard".?

You cannot win with perpetual victims, best to let them stew in their own misery juices.

Which is what I did, and 20 years and a divorce on, I've just given him something else to whinge about.?

I think some know but others don't. My ex certainly knew because each time he got his way and I thought I'd bought some peace, he moved the goal posts. But he played the victim so well when I escaped that most people still think he's lovely and I'm a wicked, evil woman who deserted a sick man.

It's true that he has a physical illness but that wasn't the issue. I escaped when it came down to run or suicide. I chose to run.

Another great post icanhandthemback your contributions to this issue are always to be relied upon.

Sawsage so awful when all you tried to do was help.
Our ES's wife's childhood wasn't good. We welcomed her with open arms, loved her and believed she loved us in return but eventually she turned on us and we lost our son and only GC.

I do understand that what happened made you ill. We were made ill too and moved away after 4 years, 5.5 years ago.

For 6 years I was verbally and sometimes physically bullied by a relative and I had to sell my house and move away. The bully was neglected as a child by the parent so I felt I had to step in to help the abused one but it all made me ill.

My ex ended it (or tried to) shortly after we met, saying I was too nice to put through what he inevitably would.

He told me he had ruined every relationship he'd ever had, with perfectly decent women, and put them through hell, treating them appallingly.

Would I listen?
Nope!

Thank you. I don't always get around to posting my thanks for the kind comments on here but I am always pleased to see them.

My ex used to apologise and say he didn't know what got into him and it would never happen again. It did and he then denied he was doing anything wrong. After our divorce he apologised for everything he put me through. Did I believe him, no, but he knew all along what he had been doing to me.
sandelf you got it so right.

That really is the crux of the matter

Believing they are right and justified.

But how can they stand there in the face of someone who is obviously hurt and upset by their behaviour and remain aloof?

Maybe when the hurt react with anger I can see them twisting that into justification but some reactions are clearly just hurt

Some good thoughts there icanhandthemback; I too thought MissAs analogy was spectacular! It just so obviously makes sense!