Advice

I agree with Hithere

There has to be a meeting at a place 2 people are happy in the relationship.

If a relationship causes unhappiness and someone leaves we can't blame them

"Yup, the estranged people who chose that are the real losers. They miss out on so much. "

You will have a hard time reconciling with this mentality

'Happy Birthday' for tomorrow Jandixie.

Yup, the estranged people who chose that are the real losers. They miss out on so much. I just have to remember no contact means no contact. Tomorrow I turn 70. I'm a little sad but I will get over it in time. Thanks for all the thumbs up!

Yes DL "we can only do so much" and there is only so much we can take.

Yes, there are often regrets, especially after a death, about what might and could have been.

But, if "you" have tried everything, done nothing wrong, and still get estranged or end up with bad behaviour constantly coming at you, then it needs the blame to be planted back on the estranger, or the one throwing all the tantrums.

We can only do so much. ?

more what should have been than the reality that was lost yes Mandrake .

Allsorts, my reflections on my situation are not an indicator I blame you for your situation at all. Every situation is different and it's hard for anyone, let alone an outsider, to really know the truth of the matters. I'm sorry for your estrangement situation. I think estrangement should be a last resort thing, not a go to. I hope you can reconcile with your family some day. I know it won't happen in my case though. I do feel sad about it, but more for what should have been than the reality that was lost.

Mandrake your mil seems to be her own worst enemy. I would not stand for my children being mistreated either, she must have something wrong with her, favouring one child is cruel. Its unlikely she will change. In the circumstances it's best to keep your distance.
I'm the opposite, I always worried what I said or did as I was picked up on everything, never went uninvited as was told not to. Only just getting my confidence back. I should not have put up with how I was spoken to, I did it so I could see them.

Allsorts, I doubt it was a hard decision for my MIL at all. She's cut off lots of people that displease her in her life, according to my husband. It was done on the spot, on a whim, as far as I can tell.

I'm sure they miss their grandchildren. Or some of them anyway. Not the one they scapegoated or the one they treated as invisible. I'm sure they miss the easy and compliant one though, and the one who was the obvious favourite due to having the right gender. Better they miss them than do the damage they were doing.

Jandixie, it must have been a hard decision to make. It seems you have tried to sort things out, but as you can see from those that have cut off parents, they are unlikely to let grandparents back in, it's their way or no way. We agonise so much about being estranged but in a way it's out of our hands and we have no alternative but to face life without them. Maybe with time for some there will reconciliation. I
Mandrake, I did not cut off my d and her family, I couldn't. It's obvious your parents or parents in law did, it must have been a hard decision for them, it doesn't stop them missing their grandchildren.
Parents, the couple, hold all the cards, life is busy with a young family, grandparents making unfair demands on the parents precious time together as a family when there's so much else to do, I can see how it is that many turn away. Such a pity that a compromise can't be made. Perhaps with time apart, hopefully grandparents will realise they asked too much.

Jandixie
I just feel so sad for you. I have no real, worthwhile advice, because I am also teetering on the edge, with my middle son and sometimes with my daughter . My youngest is a joy and I think it helps that he has a loving, caring wife - a sweet girl who is kind, not just to the family, but to everyone . Mind you, I don’t go anywhere near her, during that ‘time of the month’ ?

I also think you have done the right thing Jandixie. Far better paying into something over which you have control rather than the parents.

It is hard I know .

For what it's worth Jandixie, I think you have done the right thing. I hope that you will be able to reconcile sooner rather than later.

Thanks you for your support. I'm not sure they will see that my heart is pure. I feel good about knowing I will be able to help my GS without my son controlling the money. So sad not to be able to trust him. His father who died 22 years ago would be so disappointed. I still love my son, but will never understand.

I cannot imagine what you feel. I think you did the right thing for what it’s worth. What an excellent way to save for your grandchild. Your love for your grandchild is pure. We can never know what goes on behind closed doors, but it is possible your daughter in law may one day be able to nudge your son in the direction of reconciliation, or at least opening the door of communication. You’ve done everything you can. Your conscience is clear but it doesn’t take away the pain. I don’t imagine anything short of contact will, but I wish you strength during this painful time.

I did a hard thing today. I stopped my contribution for the 529 account for my GS. I did find that there is a Treasury I bond with almost 10% interest. It will be in my name, so I can give to him when he needs it. The 529 had the parents control and could withdraw whenever they wanted. I believe my son and daughter-in-law are a team (as married people should be) she seems to want to consider me, but she knows that my son just blows people off. It has been a source of contention always. She feels no responsibility. I wrote that they were a team. Their son is both of their's. He does not call all the shots. They need to agree. I will respect their decision. Really hard for me!

That was to the OP

Sending you lots of strength, positivity, and hope! Where there is love, there is always hope.

Smileless2012

I agree with your post Mandrake but don't see how it relates to the OP as she hasn't cut off her AC and GC.

I was replying to Allsorts.

I agree with your post Mandrake but don't see how it relates to the OP as she hasn't cut off her AC and GC.

Allsorts

I feel so sorry that the grandmother that regularly sent gifts was judged to be flushing out news. No one knows until they become a grandmother how much the child means you, how much our children do, as some one estranged from one of mine, I respected her wishes for no contact so I don't trouble her, but lost my gd. I just know I couldn't and wouldn't do such a thing unless there was physical or physiological abuse and not because they rubbed me up the wrong way. All things go round though as does bitterness and a hard heart.

Grandparents who care about their grandchildren don't cut off their child and grandchild because things aren't being done their way. How dare a young family choose their own values and lifestyle. How dare they not want you in their house most days of the week and weekend. You don't tell someone they are cut off and then keep sending gifts. If you choose to be out, then be out.

And yes, she was trying to flush out news. Unfortunately I was a bit of a sucker but I grew.

"I couldn't and wouldn't do such a thing unless there was physical or physiological abuse and not because they rubbed me up the wrong way. All things go round though as does bitterness and a hard heart". Well said Allsorts.

I feel so sorry that the grandmother that regularly sent gifts was judged to be flushing out news. No one knows until they become a grandmother how much the child means you, how much our children do, as some one estranged from one of mine, I respected her wishes for no contact so I don't trouble her, but lost my gd. I just know I couldn't and wouldn't do such a thing unless there was physical or physiological abuse and not because they rubbed me up the wrong way. All things go round though as does bitterness and a hard heart.

Wishing you strength and hopefully in the future, peace of mind and happiness Jandixie