Advice

I here what you are saying NO Contact means no contact. Which is really hard for me. I believe this is the right way for me to proceed. Wish me strength to stay on right path. Thanks so everyone

I am so sorry for your situation. This sounds dreadfully painful and I hope one day a positive resolution comes to your family.

I think if you genuinely want to contribute to your grandchild’s future without the impression that you are giving money as a way to elicit contact, you should start saving that money on your own. There is no shortage of ways to do this. There is no practical reason not to at this point. Unfortunately, your son has made it clear he wants no contact. Despite the fact that it may not be your intention, the optics suggest that you are using the contributions to manipulate them into saying something to you. No contact very specifically means that. Open a savings account for your grandchild—in your name—and ensure the contents legally go to the grandchild if anything happens. Tying your contributions in with the current state of the relationship will only hurt you. You have zero reason at this point to not go alternative route, other than your expectation that they would be in a position to break no contact and say thank you.

For all those saying “why can’t they just say thank you”, no contact means exactly that. The OP is choosing to contribute to an account they opened. She has plenty of alternate ways to save for the grandchild. They are asking for a cessation of communication. Encouraging the OP to set herself up for a world of hurt by reinforcing that the money should be a reason to break that no contact is not kind advice, nor is it helpful. Some times we must step outside of our own stubbornness to give helpful advice.

As someone who had a 529 for my youngest, you don’t treat it like a regular checking or savings in that you are regularly withdrawing or conducting regular financial transactions with. You can’t simply go in an withdraw funds. The OP should stop her financial contributions and find another way without it looking like she is repeatedly and willfully disregarding the wish for no contact.

OP, I would wait for them to come to you. You have done all you can. You seem to genuinely want to work this out, without hammering on about how right you are. This is quite admirable. You love your family, and because of this genuine love there is always hope! Do not become entrenched in bitterness by taking in the anger of others. It may seem a good idea to find ‘solidarity’, but everyone’s situation is different and only you know the details of yours.

Jandixie; I understand on the ROTH. I am glad that you have a plan in place and are aware of what the possibilities are.

I am hopeful that you and your son are able to mend your relationship.

Thanks for the info. I am not able to contribute to a Roth IRA because of age. They have no other children nor will they have any more. I will split my trust between my two kids. I will be gone. Hopefully they will do the right things. The trust says only direct dependents will inherit. If my son takes his son 529 money, he will have to live with that. The kid is 4 and could go to first grade.

Not responding is communication. It tells the recipient that the gift/contact is not appreciated or welcome.

Being told they want no contact means no gifts either. Sending gifts might be felt to be going against that and intrusion.

I'm sorry you are hurting and in this situation OP, but I would take the lack of response as communication.

I do understand what you are saying. I have a trust as did my dad. It will be split between my two kids. As my father did, each child will have to create their own trust under their name. They will be able to do with the money as they please but I have put in the trust some wording that they use the money for direct dependents. It is about fairness, sorry money has to enter the picture.

I am going to reiterate what I said earlier.

Please contact a financial advisor ASAP in regards to saving for college for your Grandchildren. A 529 is not always the best way to do so. here is why:

Funds in a 529 account can be used for approved educational expenses only. If your GC does not pursue higher education, or does not need the money for his higher education, that money can be pulled out by the account owner, your AC. He will pay high taxes and penalties for it, but it will be his money at the end of the day. If he has multiple children with 529 accounts, he could transfer any funds in your GC 529 to another of his other children's account.

Depending on your state, your AC and not you, may be getting the state tax benefit for your contributions.

I say this from experience, as I have both a 529 (which I am trying to empty to be rid of it) and a ROTH IRA for college money. The benefits of a 529 do not outweigh the benefits of a ROTH IRA or other savings in terms of effectiveness or tax breaks.

In a case such as this, it may be more beneficial to you to put that same amount of money into a regular savings account for your GC when he turns 18 or 21. Or a trust. You can make stipulations that it will be used for higher education purposes.

As for the estrangement, I am not going to advise. But knowing just what I know from the OP's posts, I would:

Continue to support all my GC equally in terms of money for the future.

Contact a financial advisor immediately and discuss what options are best in this scenario. That may or may not be a 529 account.

I can say that my financial advisor does not recommend a 529 at any point, because of the limits stated above.

The rift was on Father's Day 2 years ago. I came to visit them from out of state. They were remodeling their home. I had given them money to help with the guest bathroom some months before. My daughter=in-law's mother was coming the next week. She wanted the guest room and bathroom done so they painted the room the night before I came. I slept in my grandson's room. I did not sleep well. The next day I played with my grandson for hours. Probably not as peppy as other visits. Before the visit my daughter in law had asked me for some pictures of my son and his dad. My daughter has all the pictures. They do not talk. I try not to take sides. My daughter in law was mad that I did not help to obtain the pictures. I did have a few so I brought those. She put them on a side table and never showed my son. On Father's Day she made a wonderful dinner for my son and presented it to him first class. She did not offer me any. Then she went in her room. I did give my son a card with $1500 in it. I was left money from my dad. She was upset. She always told she wants to talk things out right away so I asked to do that when I got home. She was not nice and said to deal with my son. He called and said many things untrue. I meant for the money for the family, I did not know they had separate accounts. He said I never liked his wife, etc. etc. I started to cry and told him he was being very hard on me. Later I learned she was on the phone listening. I admire her as she came from a foster family and has really made something of herself. I can not say I always like her. She is a good mother. My son I think has many emotional and health issues? I wrote a lot of texts which I am sure were annoying. In that time I broke my ankle in 8 places. It did not phase them. Just hurt. I am not perfect.

I understand

I would much rather have a close family, unfortunately, I had the opposite. I have a really close family with my own children and that has to be enough.

Walking away was not easy but necessary for my mental and physical health.

My own children need a happy healthy mum or otherwise, I would be passing pain on to them and it would never stop.

What caused this rift?

I understand what you are saying. I can assure you I am safe to be around. Whether they like me is another thing. You sound like you have to justify. My mother-in-law was not safe. I did not spend a lot of time with her and protected my kids. But, I do respect that family is family. This idea of just leaving behind all your family values is hard. I will respect my son's wishes. But it is a huge disappoint to me and I know his father.

How do you deal with estrangement? I want to do the right thing for my son. I just came from a close family. My husband died 20 years ago. He came from a family of many hardships. He became and officer in the us army. He was warm and funny and deeply committed to his 4 brothers. He always said no matter what your family needs you. I guess it is a different generation. I can't help but feel he would be so disappointed. I do not share that. I feel most counselors do not feel family is important. Only the hurt of the individual.

Jandixie, We give our GC&GGC monthly gifts, small tokens of affection. Maybe consider saving the $3/weekly as a combined savings for the year with money for Birthdays, Christmas, Easter -- into an account until GS turns 18. Small, only $500 total a year or so. Would build to a nice sum in 14 years.

Jandixie

I have tried. Nothing works. I want to know his pain and what I can do to help, not justify myself. I've written emails, texts and even hand written notes. He does not respond to any of his sister and her family. I am turning 70 in a few days and went to see my daughter. They want no drama, which I understand. The only thing that was said was that my son did not respond. I do not want them involved in my problem. Their dad died when they were 16 and 18. I did not do well during that time and I am sure they wished for a better mother.

I hope things get easier for you

I know you didn't Norah, I was responding to what you said in the second paragraph of my post.

I'm sorry that nothing you've tried has worked Jandixie so maybe it would be an idea to just send your GS a card on his
birthday and at Christmas with no gift, and continue to contribute toward the college fund if you're happy to do so.

It's very hard to accept your own child not wanting you in their lives but there's nothing you can do about it .

Please excuse errors

rafichagran

Violetsky As I have stated in a later post I was EAC, but I guess we just see things differently. I agree it is personal.

I read your comment

I am also EAC and situations are very different even when there is lots in common.

My mother is not safe around my.childre, I know because my.children told me

That's true Hetty once a gift is given it does become the property of the recipient but if I was receiving gifts for myself and/or my children that I didn't want to keep receiving, I would say so.

I would keep the fund you initially started, but pull back on the rest. Let them get on with it. If they want you they will make the effort. I think if they are not responding to you, you should respect their wishes.

Violetsky As I have stated in a later post I was EAC, but I guess we just see things differently. I agree it is personal.

I have tried. Nothing works. I want to know his pain and what I can do to help, not justify myself. I've written emails, texts and even hand written notes. He does not respond to any of his sister and her family. I am turning 70 in a few days and went to see my daughter. They want no drama, which I understand. The only thing that was said was that my son did not respond. I do not want them involved in my problem. Their dad died when they were 16 and 18. I did not do well during that time and I am sure they wished for a better mother.

Smileless2012

^No contact means no contact^ and for me that means no acceptance of gifts or financial assistance.

The OP's son benefits Norah because as you have just posted "this fund only pays out for verified education expenses" presumably her GS's expenses.

Smileless, I didn't say that first bit.

I did say "529 fund only pays out for verified education expenses"

Yes, I'd presume OP GS expenses.

No effect on estranged AC that I can see.

I'd never give a message to my children that I didn't value them equally in all ways (529, wills, trusts). I think OP is loving her AC&GC well.

rafichagran

Oh hithere what a horrible way to live. To be so bitter, you cannot say Thankyou, or just say please stop we do not want to accept the donations and gifts you send.

I am going to address this as it is quite personal.

If it were an ex partner and the relationship did not end happily for whatever reason, would you expect someone to contact them with thanks regarding unwanted gifts?

If a parent decides another person is not safe to be around at this time, you think they should confuse and possibly upser young children by asking them to send a note of thanks for weekly gifts and the monthly gifts?

How often?

How would jandixie feel if those thanks did come? Could they prevent healing and closure? Or cause pain waiting?

With No Contact:

No contact is a means to protect yourself from a relationship that is causing harm.

jandixie acknowledges her son wants no contact in the opening post.

You see Hithere as bitter, I see Hithere as strong.

Estrangement situations are not all the same. My children were not emotionally safe with my mother.

Let others so what is right for their families.

jandixie can only benefit from advice that comes from different perspectives to find what will truly help them find closure and peace.

I believe the money and the relationship with your son and daughter in law are two different issues.

If you are spending the same on your other grandchildren, continue to do that for this one. All grands should be treated the same. (I have 8).

As for the relationship, there is something much deeper going on than them not sending you a card. If you have hurt them in some way that has caused their lack of relationship, apologize. If you want to be part of their lives, this will take work and probably a lot of it. Have you ever reached out to the daughter in law? Perhaps that is where you should start building the bridge. If you are texting one of them, include the other on the text so there are no misunderstandings.

You have a tough road ahead of you, but it is not one that can't be fixed with love and forgiveness. Best wishes.

The right ones in the end.