Advice

Hithere

As for horrible way to live - not at all.

Freedom is priceless

Sorry I dont believe this, I was EAC, my sister got all the inheritance from my Mother, and I could not have cared less.
I just was not interested, however if my children were given money by my Mother I would make the children say Thankyou, but make it clear my stance was the same.
My Mother is dead, I feel no anger or bitterness, but I did not mourn.
I do find that some EAC adults are bitter and some of their actions are revenge not freedom.
Saying thankyou if you are given something is basic manners,or saying I do not want you to do this again let's the person know what the situation is so they know their gifts are not welcome.
I have had some very cruel things said to me by a couple of bullies that were my parents, but I raised my standards and did not let them eat away at me it did take a very long time though and I made mistakes along the way. I now have freedom as I know my actions were the right one's.

Smileless2012, the way I see it, giving them away is best. Returning them is just likely to cause upset or resentment. After all, once a gift is given, it becomes the property of the receiver, so they are absolutely free to do what they want with it. All my 'unsuitable' presents go straight to the local charity shop.

lets not let's.

Returning unwanted gifts let's the sender know that they haven't been accepted. Far better than to throw or give them away especially when a request to stop has never been made.

As for horrible way to live - not at all.

Freedom is priceless

Bitter is not the intention behind it at all.

Oh hithere what a horrible way to live. To be so bitter, you cannot say Thankyou, or just say please stop we do not want to accept the donations and gifts you send.

I have received things

They were gifts

I did not ask for gifts

I did not say thank you for the gifts as I was No Contact

I gave the gifts to people who would appreciate them.

I did not return the gifts as returning them would be contact.

A gift is a gift. Do not give what you expect back

EAC are put on a tight spot when presents are given and there is a NC for a while

NC means no communication or actions at all with the other party

If the EP decides to send cards and letters- a thank you or rejection IS communication

A lot of EAC choose to have no reaction because
NC means NC
If you ignore something long enough, it will stop happening.

No contact means no contact and for me that means no acceptance of gifts or financial assistance.

The OP's son benefits Norah because as you have just posted "this fund only pays out for verified education expenses" presumably her GS's expenses.

But why should they open the lines of communication when they’ve made it very clear they don’t want to? The OP has made one decision, it doesn’t mean her DC should change theirs. No contact means no contact.

Hi Jandixie, I am sorry to hear you are estranged and it is painful for you.

The gifts you are giving are for your grandchild. That is something you wish to do to be fair to all your grandchildren.

If you give to recieve something in return that becomes a transaction. In this case, if you give in the hope of recieving some sort of contact, that is not a gift. It becomes a financial bribe.

Your grandson is not in a position to thank you and the absolute best way to achieve contact from your grandson is to make a positive relationship work with the parents.

There is always the possibility your grandchild will thank you themselves one day. And even if they don't, that fund will be put to good use and you will have had a positive impact on his life which is a good thing whether you get those words back or not.

Your son however is estranged from you, as much as you would like thanks he is not in a place where he is able to give you that. For whatever reasons he has to estrange, talking to you is either too painful or he needs to heal from whatever caused the estrangement. There are many reasons people estrange and all of them require healing.

You have done the right thing and let him know you are ready to listen to his issues. Now I think it may be best for you to stop reaching out as it isn't working and may be unknowingly making things worse because you are not respecting his boundaries.

What I think would be better for you is to go to therapy or counselling so that you are able to heal and move forward with your life. So that if he ever is ready reach out, you are in a good place.

Perhaps you could offer joint counselling at a future date once your professional feels you are ready.

I just also want to add, please make sure these cards you send grandson do not contain any guilt trips or messages for the parents. If they contain anything like "I am so sad I can't see you" or " I miss you and mummy or daddy so much" even though that may be the truth, they will be seen as guilt trips and your grandson will never see them because the parents won't want him to feel upset by them. Stick to a neutral message.

Best wishes

rafichagran

Smileless2012

The money benefits their child Norah. Jandixi has said she will continue with the payments because they are for her GS. A GS she hasn't seen for 1.5 years and has no idea when or if she'll ever see him again.

If I did not want a GP of my dependant child to have any contact with him/her, I would not accept money from them for any reason.

Agree, it has already been stated that if she pays it in her son's name it would not be taxed.

rafichagran, I believe that lack of tax status is incorrect/ half truths/ false statement. GP are not taxed differently to AC in regards to a GP owned 529.

OP "If I had opened one it would be taxed when the grandson used it." I believe someone led her astray or she misunderstood.

Most important to who or what account she transfers funds.

Smileless2012

The money benefits their child Norah. Jandixi has said she will continue with the payments because they are for her GS. A GS she hasn't seen for 1.5 years and has no idea when or if she'll ever see him again.

If I did not want a GP of my dependant child to have any contact with him/her, I would not accept money from them for any reason.

How is their child benefited?

The 529 is a fund that takes contributions and only pays out for verified educational expenses. With, I realize, rules if it's not all used as dictated.

Unless the AC is not sending the money to the 529.

I admit to no upset giving equal amounts, in funds, wills, trusts, to all AC, GC, GGC regardless. I think OP approach is good. I'd just make sure the money was either sent directly to the fund or open my own.

Smileless2012

The money benefits their child Norah. Jandixi has said she will continue with the payments because they are for her GS. A GS she hasn't seen for 1.5 years and has no idea when or if she'll ever see him again.

If I did not want a GP of my dependant child to have any contact with him/her, I would not accept money from them for any reason.

Agree, it has already been stated that if she pays it in her son's name it would not be taxed.

The money benefits their child Norah. Jandixi has said she will continue with the payments because they are for her GS. A GS she hasn't seen for 1.5 years and has no idea when or if she'll ever see him again.

If I did not want a GP of my dependant child to have any contact with him/her, I would not accept money from them for any reason.

Jandixie

All good comments. The 529 is for my grandson under my sons name. If I had opened one it would be taxed when the grandson used it. With a parent it is not. Crazy rule. I will not expect anything anymore. It’s hard for me to stop texting. I’m sure they don’t want that. I’ve written I would just like to listen and hear their pain without talking about my hurt just listen. But no response I just will have to live with the hurt and try not to be angry. Thanks so much for all your comments. I shall consider each one

Do you send your money straight to the 529 fund?

If so, who would respond? Surely not the 529 fund (aka Bank).

If you send the $250 to AC, maybe quit, you've no idea where the $250 lands.

rafichagran

Smileless2012

It is rude to accept gifts if you're not prepared to acknowledge them.

Quite, want nothing to do with the Grandmother but willing to accept the money.
Hithere All they have to do is send a email, note, or letter to ask her to stop paying. Not hard is it.

The money is a contribution to a 529 fund, not a gift to AC.

She could have as easily set one up herself to make contributions.

No effect on AC, merely for GC schooling.

The OP has not heard from them.

How do you know they havent done so already?

Smileless2012

It is rude to accept gifts if you're not prepared to acknowledge them.

Quite, want nothing to do with the Grandmother but willing to accept the money.
Hithere All they have to do is send a email, note, or letter to ask her to stop paying. Not hard is it.

Ok, assuming they say thank you for the contribution, what's next?

Grandmadinosaur

I disagree Hithere that the OP shouldn’t expect a thank you for the college fund. It’s good manners and shouldn’t be taken for granted. That’s just rude.

Agree, shocking bad manners. If they dont want her doing this, they should communicate that.

Jandixie

All good comments. The 529 is for my grandson under my sons name. If I had opened one it would be taxed when the grandson used it. With a parent it is not. Crazy rule. I will not expect anything anymore. It’s hard for me to stop texting. I’m sure they don’t want that. I’ve written I would just like to listen and hear their pain without talking about my hurt just listen. But no response I just will have to live with the hurt and try not to be angry. Thanks so much for all your comments. I shall consider each one

[new rule] "That means effective for the 2024–2025 school year, grandparent-owned 529 accounts will no longer impact a student's eligibility to receive needs-based financial aid. 529 plans are generally considered the most effective way to save for education-related expenses."

Set up your own. You were led astray with an incorrect GP "rule"

Please do stop texting them.

If you give them space and respect their rules, there may be a chance in the future