Estrangement sucks

That first sentence shocked me "both hate". Hate is such a terrible word and causes all the trouble in the world. Try forgiveness, otherwise you'll both end up bitter and twisted. My sympathy is with your DIL.

I’m not sure that this is for real.
But if it is your son has every reason to avoid you, and your daughter in law sounds lovely.

Your DIL being accepted is a route to your son coming back. Frankly the problem is caused by you and your wife.

Your DIL is amazing for sending updates and an olive branch!

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

Well, it's true, your opinions don't matter anymore. Not one bit. You laid a life out for your son and maybe his wife helped him to see that he could make a different choice, like go to college, if he wanted to. She gave him the gift of freedom. Your son sounds like a fine young man not judging his wife and being father to the child she had when they met. Your wife needs to get over it and realise her son grew up, made his own choices (appropriate), and his priority is now is wife (also appropriate). Team DIL here.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but your son is correct in ending contact. The poor man has parents who seemingly hate the love of his life ( his wife ) who despite being able to completely pretend the two of you spoiled stubborn unreasonable people don’t exist - has made effort after effort of keeping you informed of your grandchildren and even meeting you half way so that you might see them meanwhile you claim
It’s not enough and you hate her? I suggest serious mental help for you and your wife .

And what are your objections to this lovely woman who has made so much effort you don’t deserve ? That her family was kind and generous enough to help your son pursue an education , a degree And a job ? That your son / despite apparently being raised by barnyard mules - was the kind of man who didn’t judge a single mother , and stepped to love and raise a child that was not biologically his own along with his own children? This may be the most outrageous thing I have ever seen on here - at least now that you’ve cut off your nose to save your face - your dil and grandchildren are spared the utter burden of your existence to them

Maybe if you accepted your DIL your son would follow.

Personally I would avoid you at all costs!

This sounds very sad, fishing4life. You sound like a good person supporting your wife in a difficult place. Some people here will give you a hard time and tell you everything you and your wife did wrong. But maybe it hasn't happened to them yet or maybe they just enjoy telling other people off.

When your children grow up, the things they have the absolute right to choose to do can hurt you and other people in their family. Yes it can feel like your heart is broken, especially if you did not see it coming. Sounds like your wife especially is grieving the relationship and future with your son she thought she had. That's a big loss but one day she will come out of that pain - we always do. She will stop holding onto an image of a career and a relationship that have gone. Everyone else will be happy in what they are doing - because people do make the best of things - and she'll see she's the only one working to hold on to the hurt. Then perhaps she'll want a bridge back to the son she actually has. Maybe you being in contact with dil and the gc can be that bridge. Its not betraying her, its looking out for her in the future.

(I am speaking from my experience - dp and I thought celebrating our daughter's wedding to her long-term partner was the most romantic and happiest day of all our lives - turned out 2 years later the whole time she was having an affair with the person who is her new partner and now father of our gc. It was a complete shock that I still feel 50 times a day. But I have got used to my new feelings about her. I love her to bits, but I wouldn't again allow my happiness to depend on what she does - and indeed why should I or she have that responsibility. And although I would still rather her current partner had never existed, he isn't the marriage-wrecking slimeball of my imagination either. He's actually perfectly nice!)

I say that to give you an example that things can work out.
Things will never be the same again but they don't have to be bad. And yes it is worth being grateful that your dil does keep trying.

Hope you can all put it behind you and find happiness. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like, but maybe one day you will want to and you will be pleased you haven't acted to slam the door shut.

I think your daughter in law is amazing. Despite all this she is still sending you updates about your grandchildren.

I have to say I don't think I'd bother.

Just accept your son has made his choice. You are still his parents but he has made his life and it would be much better for you all if you could just make an effort.

I agree with the other posters upthread. Your DIL appears to have made repeated attempts to mend fences and offer news of your grandchildren. You also appear to have some old fashioned ideas about children "born out of wedlock". Even my grandmother, who was born in the Victorian era, did not hold such opinions.

If someone no matter who offers an olive branch give them a chance life is too short. You must want your grandchildren to know you and remember you don't you? We get one chance at this life stop living in the past it's exactly that. Circumstances change and don't always turn out as we want we just have to accept it.

What a controlling dominating pair you sound. Your DIL has tried a lot harder than I would have in the same circumstances. She’s to be commended. And I admire your son, carving out his own life’s path with his chosen supportive wife. He sounds as if he has made a success of his life, and marriage, can’t you at least celebrate that. We raise children to equip them to fly, if their flight includes parents that is to be treasured, but parents that speak as you do, I’m not at all surprised your son remains at distance.

OP

This is your reality - you want something you cannot have

May I ask why you are posting?

There hasn't been such a fixable estrangement case reported in this board and many grandparents would love to be in your shoes

We see no point in having a relationship with her without our son. The grandkids- well We would welcome the grandkids if our son came back. We just can’t get our son back and it’s hurtful being ignored by him.

Also , you should be very proud of your son for being a father to his wife's child and for giving the child his name. How good is that !? Wow, that is wonderful and it's time you recognized that.

Your DIL has done her best to reunite you with your son , clearly she is flogging a dead horse! You chose the woman you love so why shouldn't your son do the same. You have no jurisdiction over your son , he is a man in his own right so I suggest you respect that fact. GROW UP the pair of you.

Why do you hate your DiL?

Also, why is she reaching out to you when you're the ones hating on her?

Why do you allow your hatred of your DiL to quench your love for your GC?

Do you know why your son wants nothing to do with you?

I don't really understand your mindset but it sounds to me like you want contact with your son or no one.

So your son broke his mothers heart for not following the life he wanted for him and marrying the girl you approved of?

As for your son giving his now wife's child his last name and be his father- that was amazing and a keeper

So bad you cannot see and appreciate how wonderful your son is

MerylStreep

So what your saying, is: your son didn’t marry the girl you wanted. Plus, horror of horrors: she’s a single mother ?
Seems like she had a lucky escape avoiding you two.

she's been meeting them for 8 years with the biological grandchildren, it only stopped 2 years ago - she has actively encouraged a reconciliation

So what your saying, is: your son didn’t marry the girl you wanted. Plus, horror of horrors: she’s a single mother ?
Seems like she had a lucky escape avoiding you two.

fishing4life

Maybe some clarification will help. He was somewhat engaged to an absolutely wonderful girl whose family we were friends with. My wife adored her. He was heading into the US Navy and we were very proud of him. When we thought he was going to give her the ring, he instead broke up with her and moved out of state. We were devastated. Then we find out that 6 months later he is dating his now-wife and she already has a child- out of wedlock. My wife tried to help him see that our DIL was not the right one for him and that he could still come back but then he just stopped talking to us. He even chose to give her kid born out of wedlock his (our) last name legally and says he is “dad” to that kid as well as our own grandkids. His wife’s family helped him get a college degree a few years later so he could leave the navy but my wife’s father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIl influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle and our son can’t even see that he has done this to his mother- the woman who changed his diapers, fed him, and taught him the alphabet, etc.,, it’s like our opinions no longer matter. It hurts so much to be discarded like that.

I'd have been hurt to be rejected by my parents because of the life choices I made. You have no right to expect him to live the life you want him to or choose his partner. If you hurt you have bought it on yourselves I'm afraid.
Hats off to your DIL who has shown what a wonderful person she is reaching out to you even though your son has chosen not to.

Presumably he is in his 30s now
If his wife is still offering an olive branch, if I was you I'd take it and try to be a bit more open minded as time has passed and her family sound supportive of your son and grandchildren
It will be your loss if you don't

I'd better not post anymore on here.

Except to say your wife sounds spoilt and self centred, and you sound as if you enable her.

Maybe some clarification will help. He was somewhat engaged to an absolutely wonderful girl whose family we were friends with. My wife adored her. He was heading into the US Navy and we were very proud of him. When we thought he was going to give her the ring, he instead broke up with her and moved out of state. We were devastated. Then we find out that 6 months later he is dating his now-wife and she already has a child- out of wedlock. My wife tried to help him see that our DIL was not the right one for him and that he could still come back but then he just stopped talking to us. He even chose to give her kid born out of wedlock his (our) last name legally and says he is “dad” to that kid as well as our own grandkids. His wife’s family helped him get a college degree a few years later so he could leave the navy but my wife’s father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIl influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle and our son can’t even see that he has done this to his mother- the woman who changed his diapers, fed him, and taught him the alphabet, etc.,, it’s like our opinions no longer matter. It hurts so much to be discarded like that.