Estrangement sucks

If your DIL is keeping you updated that shows a willingness to offer the olive branch. I think ‘hate’ is a harsh word to use . You can’t do anything about what’s happened in the past , but you have some control over the future. Concentrate on you GC and focus on their needs - make some good memories with them. It’s not their fault the adults can’t get on. Failing that go and see a family mediator and I’m sure they will help you move towards a better tomorrow…

I think this post is a scam.. or a very narcissistic poster

This is surely a send up!

It just shows it is about control. My children aren't perfect or do as I want. I love them all the same. I cannot understand why someone offering an olive branch is still being vilified. It is really sad but unfortunately somewhat predictable when people are so rigid in their thinking and outlook

VioletSky

I just don't understand how you can possibly think this way..

We are supposed to want our children to be happy, not dictate their entire lives and throw tantrums if we don't get our way.

If your wife won't accept her wonderful son and DIL the way they are...

You definitely should

I think most would want to attempt moving heaven and earth and keep from estrangement to their son (or daughter as case may be). Hard to understand not placing more value to a relationship with your child.

You can not choose your son's partner , whether you like them or not ... eventually will be too late to make up

Don't want to offend anybody, but reading through your post, it seems me that your wife is the one too inflexible despite the efforts of the DI and you have gone along with it. A little more effort on your side would help the situation greatly. What a shame, life goes so quickly.

Hi if you’re an estranged grandparent like myself, I thought you might be interested in watching Tonight’s documentary on ITV at 8.30 pm as well as GB News were Nigel Farage will be talking about this difficult subject .

I just don't understand how you can possibly think this way..

We are supposed to want our children to be happy, not dictate their entire lives and throw tantrums if we don't get our way.

If your wife won't accept her wonderful son and DIL the way they are...

You definitely should

Spice101

Maybe if you accepted your DIL your son would follow.

Came here to say this.

He cut you off because you wanted to exclude his wife. The woman likely changing his kids diapers, teaching them the alphabet etc. Seems pretty obvious the way to show him you've changed is to stop trying to cut off his wife, embrace her. He will of course hear about this and know you've changed.

Of course, you've not changed, and probably never will, so he has a right not to have a relationship with you. Made a lucky escape imo.

Mandrake

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

That’s the only thing that makes sense

How lovely of your son to take his stepfather role so seriously and to be so committed to the child he took on. I note from your comments you have no interest in the stepchild.

Your son gets to choose his wife and career. He sounds as if he has a lovely wife with a supportive family. Maybe not the wife and family you wanted but it sounds as if you are the ones missing out.

MissAdventure

I never apologise for something I havent done. I assume my daughter knew me well enough to to expect me to.

I've always apologised for anything perceived as my failure. Doesn't matter if I remember it the way of someone else's reality.

I don't question others' reality - apart from a potential disagreement, the upset makes me unhappy.

Others manage their expectations differently. All right to me.

Smileless2012

I agree with the title of this thread fishing4life, estrangement does suck but I'm afraid that's all I agree with.

We have been estranged from our youngest son for almost 10 years which is his choice but your estrangement is clearly yours and your wife's, and appears to be because you don't, and have never approved of his wife.

The hardest thing about estrangement from one's own child is two fold. It is accepting that in all probability you will never see your adult child again, and that you will never know their children, your GC.

You and your wife, due to your mature and compassionate d.i.l. have had the opportunity to have a relationship with your GC and you have thrown that away.

It may not be too late to contact her and say how sorry you both are, for not appreciating and valuing the fact that despite you having no contact with your son, she has gone above and beyond to facilitate a relationship with your GC. She may be prepared to resume her efforts but of course she may not want to put herself and her children through this again.

15 years is a long time and I do think that the longer the estrangement lasts, the less likely the possibility for a reconciliation but that is usually because there is no contact, and you have had contact with your d.i.l.

My advice FWIW is as I have suggested to contact your d.i.l. and write to your son. There may still be a chance if you offer an unreserved apology for the way you have behaved toward him, his wife and their children.

If you've ever read the other threads on GN on estrangement, you will have seen that there are many parents who have no contact with their AC and GC due to the influence of their AC's partner.

I have never come across a case before where it is the 'hated' d.i.l./s.i.l. who has attempted to keep some level of contact and ultimately been rejected because if her p's.i.l. can't have their AC, they'd rather have nothing.

I agree with Smileless. Surely it would be better for you if you accepted the way things are, reached out to your DIL and apologised for not responding to her kind efforts to update you on your grandchildren and meet up with you. If you said you hoped she would forgive you and give you another chance to have a relationship with her, maybe you could build a bridge with her and also get to see your son and your grandchildren.

I feel your son was entitled to choose his own partner and his own career. Staying angry with his wife isn’t going to change his choices.

I’m sure you would be happier showing love to both of them and to your grandchildren than bearing grudges. And your wife too, if she follows your example.

I think your son sounds fantastic, and his wife as well. I’m sure they’re raising great kids.

You, on the other hand…

Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face.

Not! To expect me to.

I never apologise for something I havent done. I assume my daughter knew me well enough to to expect me to.

I was talking to our youngest daughter earlier today. Occurred to me maybe OP wife is spot on. I prefer our children to others (sil, gc, ggc).

I'd be distraught to lose contact with our daughters. I very carefully manage my expectation to them, apologise for any presumed slight, and I never assume that by age and experience I'm correct in any situation.

I'd never discuss anything with daughters' partners. I only converse to our children to reconcile any problems/ expectations.

I agree with everyone's posts except the original poster. To them I want to say "What do you expect to happen?"

Yes this is probably the most fixable relationship on these boards, and yet you'd rather have nothing than bend a little and learn to love your DiL and Grandkids even though your son wantsa to be distant? If you're waiting for your son to return home and do everything you want him to, put you before his family, you might be waiting forever.

I suspect OP and wife are right fighters, many parents are even after they have raised their (now adult) children.

Needing to control how others live their lives is unacceptable.

Thinking your children must tell you when they're getting engaged, who they intend to marry, who they choose to adopt is ridiculous.

That "OP wife's father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIL influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle" is well beyond ridiculous reasoning.

Apart from any ridiculousness, OP and wife are just mean and don't deserve to be in the life of their son. Well done fully functioning adult son not allowing bad behaviour.

Mandrake

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

what is a reverse?

The poster sounds like a very sad person. He and his wife can’t get over the fact that their son and his wife have made their own decisions about their future. I doubt if many of us have children who have done exactly as we wished. Mine certainly didn’t. But we still love them and want the best for them. Incidentally, I have a friend with not one but two children born out of wedlock. Her lovely new husband adopted them both! OTOH, is this a scam? The story sounds so far fetched.

Oh, I believe it. My MIL is all about I'd rather have nothing than not have it my way. I reached out to her lots, until I gave up too. This situation might be more common than we think. Way to cut off your nose to spite your face.

I agree with the title of this thread fishing4life, estrangement does suck but I'm afraid that's all I agree with.

We have been estranged from our youngest son for almost 10 years which is his choice but your estrangement is clearly yours and your wife's, and appears to be because you don't, and have never approved of his wife.

The hardest thing about estrangement from one's own child is two fold. It is accepting that in all probability you will never see your adult child again, and that you will never know their children, your GC.

You and your wife, due to your mature and compassionate d.i.l. have had the opportunity to have a relationship with your GC and you have thrown that away.

It may not be too late to contact her and say how sorry you both are, for not appreciating and valuing the fact that despite you having no contact with your son, she has gone above and beyond to facilitate a relationship with your GC. She may be prepared to resume her efforts but of course she may not want to put herself and her children through this again.

15 years is a long time and I do think that the longer the estrangement lasts, the less likely the possibility for a reconciliation but that is usually because there is no contact, and you have had contact with your d.i.l.

My advice FWIW is as I have suggested to contact your d.i.l. and write to your son. There may still be a chance if you offer an unreserved apology for the way you have behaved toward him, his wife and their children.

If you've ever read the other threads on GN on estrangement, you will have seen that there are many parents who have no contact with their AC and GC due to the influence of their AC's partner.

I have never come across a case before where it is the 'hated' d.i.l./s.i.l. who has attempted to keep some level of contact and ultimately been rejected because if her p's.i.l. can't have their AC, they'd rather have nothing.