Has anyone tried counselling?

time too

They will all need to be strong. They will all need to listen. They will all no doubt, have things they need to get off of their chests.

10 years is a long time.

Good post Luckygirl and as you say, finding the right counsellor is key. One that everyone feels comfortable with.
so don't worry Roise if this takes rime too.

It will depend on the counsellor, but I do think that, as others have said, there is an olive branch to be grasped here.

There is a tendency to adopt a child role with counsellors and think they can see into your mind - they can't! They can however listen and reflect back to you both in ways that might be helpful. But if it is not helpful then you still have control over the situation and can say, as a grown adult, that this is not helping me; or to ask them to outline the approach they plan to take. You do not suddenly become helpless in their hands!

I had some counselling after my OH died because it was a very complex situation - his brain illness had caused him to treat me very badly, but, when the time came, I was the one who had to decide not to treat his last illness and let him slip away peacefully. A bit of a paradox. One counsellor dealt with it well - gave me time to talk and helped me to come to terms with the complexity of the situation; but one was hopeless - she was visibly shocked by some of the things that had happened to me and showed it very clearly - I did not find that helpful at all! I needed someone who could be calm and dispassionate.

So do please join in with this and see if it helps; but if it is not helping you can say so - and also you do not have to stick with a counsellor whom you are not finding helpful, for whatever reason. Also be prepared that your son might have things he needs to get off his chest, so you need to be strong and listen.

Lots of good luck with this - it sounds like a real opportunity for you both.

That's not what I am saying Smileless

Son is obviously ready for counselling, has thought about it and decided that could be a way forward.

It might be best for OP to make sure they are ready too, know what to expect and are in the right place to do it.

There is absolutely no point in going into it with the mindset of, well I'm hurt too. Because that would make it difficult to actually listen.

Someone needs to go first before it can get to that and the son is ready to talk about why he is so distant.

That's the timeline, Son estranged, son has reasons, estrangement caused pain for Rosie. That's the order of discussion and it needs to go well from the start.

OP needs to be ready to listen first.

If it were the other way around and a parent estranged a child due to difficulties in the relationship and they were offering counselling and willing to try again... I would say the same to their child.

Son is ready to talk, Rosie are you ready to listen?

Yes, and if his parents agree to counselling they will also be being proactive. That doesn't alter the fact that it is a two way street and 10 years of very little contact and none of that face to face, will have impacted greatly on all concerned.

A lot will have happened over the last 10 years.

Try to remember, it is the son suggesting counselling here, so he is taking a proactive step to mending the relationship and seeking a calm space for communication

As you say nanna it is always worth a try. Both parties need to be prepared to listen, and be aware that they are likely to hear things with which they disagree.

As with couples counselling, it's a two way street and the feelings of both concerned need to be addressed. Even with the exchange of cards at Christmas, birthday greetings and the occasional email, 10 years is a long time and both the parents and their AC will have been affected.

Psychotherapists train for longer. If you want to work with a counsellor, make sure they’re properly qualified and British Association of Counselling registered.
Many legal firms have well qualified, properly supervised Mediators. Mediation isn’t therapy. The mediator will set boundaries, enable the participants to tell their story and listen to each other.
It’s good to hear your son has suggested meeting with an independent facilitator, I hope it goes well

I have been estranged from my mother for a long time. I didn't want to be and offered her joint counselling but she laughed in my face and it was the last hope of rebuilding our relationship. Emotionally I couldnt cope with her and that was having a huge impact on my physical health too.

You are considering this so it is clear that even after all this time, this matters to you.

I think you should say yes.

I think you should also be prepared to really listen. You might not like or agree with everything you hear but you will have to go with the understanding that this is how your child feels and this is what needs to be addressed.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't state your feelings and needs, just that your perceptions and theirs may not match.

A good counsellor will help you do this.

I did still go to counselling alone, and it was very helpful for me.

While counselling couldn't give me all the answers, having a calm, non judgemental space to talk through my feelings and learn some coping techniques was amazing.

A good counsellor is a good listener and has a great deal of empathy. If they are not listening adequately they won’t be very effective. With mediation each person has their say without interruption and after this some sort of mutual ground may, hopefully, be reached. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but it is always worth a try.

I just want to put another point of view.

I saw a counsellor when my husband was very ill for a long time and, quite frankly, I was going under with a whole range of issues.

It took her about twenty minutes to pick up my little derailed train and pop it back on the rails.

Just by asking the right questions 🙂

Thank you Caleo a d FannyCornforth for you replies.
My experience of counselling broadly reflects yours. I'm afraid my faith in it has wained.

No not at all Fanny I was worried you’d thought I was being rude

I agree, Fanny, that Gransnet is something else as a counselling service. The very fact that there is great variety of opinions and styles and that it's anonymous makes it safe. Also the great variety allows the person in need to choose which advice/opinions suit her best and help her to 'move on'.

Sorry Dilly, I hope that I didn’t come across rude in any way.

Caleo, yes, I have always been desperately in need of practical advice and ways to move forward.
Unfortunately, very few of them have been able to provide it.
I have honestly had much, much better support and advice on here.
Thank you everyone!

Fanny I was just replying to OP rather than yourself (I’m dyslexic so may not have worded it right), as I’ve not personally had experience with counselling. I’m not exactly sure of the difference between therapy or counselling so didn’t want to confuse OP by giving advice as I did something a little different. At the time I researched the different styles (for want of a better word) and went for the one that suited me as I was doing it solo, not with my son.
I agree with you, there are some shockers out there when I was chatting with various therapists to see if we ‘clicked’ when I was choosing one.

Namsnanny I saw one therapist/ counsellor at my GP surgery after my mother’s death. She told me straight up that she couldn’t deal with me as my connection with my mother was too close, and I was too bereaved.
A couple of weeks later I saw another person through Cruse.
He was clearly in the counselling game to pull women.
I also saw a proper established psychotherapist.
He was unhinged, and immediately and unfathomably became fixated on my father and my relationship with him (I was going this time due to anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Where my dad came into it is still a mystery!)
I also took part in Group CBT ‘therapy’ which was a disaster. It was a basic power point job, and everyone there had totally different problems. I think that it was a way of getting things done on the cheap.
This was all over 20 years ago, so I’m sure things are better now

This year I have had a wonderful person centred therapist. She specialises in Compassion Based Therapy. She charged £30 an hour (well, 50 minutes) which I realise is extremely reasonable

Namsnanny, I found two of them spent much time telling me about their successful lifestyles.

Only one of the counsellors gave me any advice, which I sorely needed, and she gave the advice on the stairs outside her consulting room.

One of the counsellors asked me if she could tape record the conversation which I stupidly and gullibly agreed to.

The psychotherapist on the other hand told me facts and suggested how I could take it from there on. He also introduced his collie dog as assistant therapist!

Dilly I was referring specifically to psychotherapy, as opposed to any other sort of therapy. There are many different types, of course

Rosiestock How wonderful that your son made this suggestion.
As others have said keep an open mind.
Just one reservation on my part, there are very few miracles in the world, so take it slowly and dont expect too much to begin with.
Wishing you both a very happy future.

I went to therapy (rather than counselling) when I hit a rocky patch with my son. (I’m fairly sure it was someone on GN that suggested it.
It really changed my relationship for the better. With a bit of reflection I realised I had been treating my two sons differently, favouring the younger, and also realised my fear of their growing up and not needing me, made me quite overbearing and controlling.

I’ve dialled it all back now and my relationship with my elder son (and his wee family) brings me so much joy now.

I recommend it in spades, though make sure you find someone good and accredited, there’s lots of great guidance online on what to look for and what to avoid. Look at the different styles of therapy too.

Good luck, go in with an open heart, we none of us are perfect and being able to admit we might be wrong (and your son too) is just to be human.

What difference did you find Caleo and FannyCornflrth?

Oh, I have had some shockers too Caleo! Especially regarding bereavement.
It’s probably (hopefully) much better now that you can do your homework online and get a bit of an idea about what’s / who’s available

You're probably right Fanny. It's just that I have seen many counsellors and while all were well-meaning they do vary in quality. The one psychotherapit I saw (I could afford only one visit) was by far the most productive.