Has anyone tried counselling?

Caleo

If you can afford the fees, get a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor.

I don’t think that a psychotherapist is suitable for dealing with a son and mother together.
Is it even practiced?
Counselling seems to be the best way forward to me - practical advice and support. Focus on the future, not the past

If you can afford the fees, get a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor.

I think we often find it hard to express our deepest thoughts to family. A good counsellor asks the right questions that help you put your thoughts into words and who also helps you to listen, not just to the other person but to what you yourself are really saying.

We all have patterns of behaviour that we don’t always recognise in ourselves or how they impact on other people. It’s not just recollections that vary, perceptions vary too.

Counselling gives a neutral space and a guide that would help both of you to speak and hear “This is what it was like for me.”

There are good and bad counsellors you are always at liberty to ask for someone different and should parlorgames
not everyone suits everyone and not every form of counselling suits the recipient but on the whole it should be a very positive step forward
Keep a totally open mind Rosie the trouble with asking a wide audience is you will always have some who have had negative experiences that doesn’t mean yours will be
Good luck for a wonderful 2023

Not as a couple no, but I did get a referral through my job some years ago when I was assaulted. I honestly think that the counsellor just wanted to know the gory details rather than help me through a difficult stage in my life. As it was a referral from the Trust I was working for to a private service provider I actually thought that my employers had been ripped off.
In the end it was my line manager and my workmate who got me through.

The fact that you've been exchanging cards at Christmas and birthdays, as well as the occasional email for the last 10 years, shows that there's a desire to maintain a degree of contact Rosiestocks. The suggestion for counselling is another step in the right direction.

As NotSpaghetti has posted Go with an open heart and an open mind. It will be hard for you and your son but if you don't accept, it's unlikely that the suggestion will be made again.

I wish you all well.

Go with an open heart and an open mind.
💐
Here is a chance to reconcile.
I'm sure it will stir a lot up (and be tough) - but it's definitely something I'd do if my family was estranged and my son had suggested it.

Good luck

What a lovely post BlueBelle

All the best with it Rosie, it sounds like a very positive and wise thing to do

Counselling can be a wonderful way of working through something in a neutral space with a neutral person How fantastic that after ten years your son has offered to do this and you will be very foolish to not accept
He obviously wants to make the effort to be part of your life again
It won’t be easy and you may hear things or perceptions thst you won’t like but what a wonderful Christmas present for you all
Embrace it if you want your son back
Anything is worth that isn’t it?

It's basically a safe space for each of you to state how you see things, without being interrupted: the counsellor mediates and ensures that each person is listened to in turn.

Then the counsellor will say for example, "X said Y - how would you respond to that from your point of view, Z?" After which X really listens (if their heart is in the counselling in the first place) to Z's feelings and asks themselves for example "Is Z saying something I can understand? Where/how/ do, our memories of the event differ?"

The premise is that by stopping oneself from not listening properly, because instead we're so busy thinking of our own outraged response to something that upsets us, we'll actually "HEAR" how the situation appeared to, and how it affected, the other person.

The counsellor is always ready to stop someone talking over another instead of listening and evaluating; they will question you to see if what e.g., "Z" said made you see the difference between your two expectations; made you aware of how your own actions or words made "Z" feel, and if you see what you did or said any differently now that the reception of it has been explained to you.

It may sound simple, but if you go into it really meaning to find a way through the maze, it can be hard, tearful work.

The flip side is, it can give you a whole new perspective on things, and heal a lot of hurts and bitterness.

He has given you the olive branch. I am trained in psychotherapy and as part of the training, seeing a psychotherapist is required. My experience has helped me and I would recommend trying it out. Good luck whatever you decide.

I don't have any experience of this, but as your son has suggested it, it sounds like he wants to try and mend fences, I think I'd give it a go if it were me.