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Does my sister want me back in her life.

(18 Posts)
BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 05:27:33

Enstrangement with sister does she want to make up?

Not seen or talked for 10 years neither with her or mum.
Now mum dead she added me to WhatsApp to message me the bad news.

I'm sure she is very upset with me not keeping contact with mum.
But neither of them made contact all this time exsept mum phoned me only once at the beginning of our enstrangement 10 years ago.
Since that call mum ended up in hospital a month or so later and no one told me exsept that mum told others that if i knew would fight with my sister and that hurt me very much. Mum was twice more in hospital and no one told me again! until her death.

On WhatsApp I have comforted my sister a few times in messages and offered to pay for the full funeral service once she has finished arranging.
She is not saying much only that we go half each on costs. She has send me funeral details witch I will attend.

My sister can be very poisonous and nasty in doing things.
Should I apologies to her for not phoning or seeing our mum all this time? Should I apologies for the cause of our enstrangement ?
Why now she wont delete me from WhatsApp contacts?

It seem that she's on it all day waiting for me to come on line, every time she is online off line when I'm or short after.
what does this can mean?

I think she may be playing a game as she is poiseness and nasty. And delete me after funera to teach me a lesson and continue with enstrangement.

Jjooly Tue 24-Jan-23 06:50:32

I’m so sorry, you must be feeling so many mixed emotions right now, you've not only lost your mum you've lost any last hope of sorting out differences.
Be careful guilt will be circling you as all reasons for any estrangement we had will seem flimsy whilst we mourn and it’s hard to reason with guilt. Even in death those still living can’t take responsibility for anyone’s actions or words only your own.
Your mother died and your sister messaged you? That’s cold! Your sister won’t have changed personality and yes it does sound to me like she is playing games with being online all day and then going offline when you come on the app. Please be careful she doesn’t draw you in to try and break you for daring to break free of toxicity.
Big hugs x

Allsorts Tue 24-Jan-23 07:01:02

It would be pointless as you don't like her. You didn't try to contact your mom even after finding out about her bad health. You sound as if you didn't want your sister or your mom, had no contact, sister probably misses her mother and not thinking straight sound so different and you dislike her so much, it couldn't work.

BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 07:19:01

I love my sister very much! It was her best friend who caused us to not see each other becauce of her interference in family issues!

BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 07:23:59

Thank you for your reply! Glad you understand! and will take your advice!

BlueBelle Tue 24-Jan-23 07:36:06

First I m sorry to hear your news bosspaolo that’s very very sad and the sadest part is your mum was in the middle of your troubles with your sister especially if it was an outsider who caused the original problem
So so sad that it took your mums death to get you two in contact again

If you love your sister very much then you owe it to your mums memory to make a relationship again Of course I don’t know the reasons for the 10 years silence or who was right who was wrong but none of that matters now

Your sister has been fair in accepting half the money for the funeral she has sent you the details so she wants you involved I would take things very very slowly and have no big expectations

I hope things become easier for you

Smileless2012 Tue 24-Jan-23 09:12:41

Only time will tell if your sister is looking for reconciliation BossPaloa. 10 years of estrangement is a long time, and during that time your sister's and mother's relationship continued without you.

I don't think her contacting you via WhatsApp was necessarily cold, if you haven't spoken for 10 years maybe that was the only way she felt able to tell you what's happened. She will be grieving.

I agree with Bluebelle that your sister's being fair in accepting your contribution toward the cost of the funeral and sending you the details so you're able to attend. Not all estranged siblings would have done so in the circumstances.

You need to take this very slowly, one step at a time and take your lead from your sister. If she does sever contact once the funeral is over, I hope you'll find some comfort in having been able to attend.

BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 09:53:32

Thank you Blubelle

yes I agree with you completly.
it was out of hunger that I demanded money back that I gave my sister! small amount mind! I shouldn't have done that! I was provoked by her friend when I told her she should have minded her own business and she started swearing at me. Hence my sister husband said that they would not have anything to do with me after giving money back. I was wrong I know that.

Jjooly Tue 24-Jan-23 11:20:32

So your sister’s friend stuck her nose into yours and your sister’s business and out of anger you wanted the small amount of money back that you had lent her and your sister, her husband and your mum turned their backs in you to the point your mother didn’t want you to know she was I’ll in hospital? That’s a very small row to choose one daughter’s side over another, I have two grown up daughters who have rows from time to time and I would never choose sides and walk away from the other. You need to clear the air after the funeral but don’t put all the blame on your shoulders

BlueBelle Tue 24-Jan-23 11:40:31

Bosspaolo don’t pile all the blame on yourself it takes two to keep a relationship going and two to keep a row going

All I can advice is restart slowly without being full of apologies or taking all the blame it sounds as if there was a lot of rubbish and it all festered away with months turning into years

Neither take the blame nor point the finger let it just quietly see if there is room for a slow relationship to evolve after the funeral If not you’re in no worse position and at least you will know it s not worth trying any further and you can get on with your life and your own happiness knowing you ve tried

BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 12:13:27

Jjolly. Exactly you got the story right on the nail.
It all started at the beginning when I out of the blue asked my sister to come out of the house so that I could talk with her regarding an issue! as we had guest ect in her house! she got upset at one point and entered her house again while I didn't and whent back to my house.
Later in the week I phoned my sister to Apologies deeply! She asked me that I needed to apologies our mum and her husband first witch I deed individually! And that was the end of it. And should have stayed so. But NO .On my next visit to her house and ovesly me feeling guilt at the same time and regretful, my sister concocted a plan with her friend that whilst dinner was served My place to seat at the table was tightly close between her friend and my mum like a child! usually she made me seat head of table! at first though nothing of it until I saw my sister grinning from opposite side of the table and smirking. I quickly eat my meals and got up!
Didn't say anything at the time ,but remained with me inside my heart for long time. It troubled me deeply the scenario to a point after staying away from them a while I kept asking myself why would she allow this an outsider with my mum help as well believe it or not do this allow this in her own house to her own brother. Every time I visited before then Always made sure to buy milk stock milk in the fridge for her 4 young children always help out in the house including presents and give the young ones money. I was very hurt. I stayed away for a year ,My sister asked me to phone mum out of courtesy, witch I did ,and on her picking up the phone and me hearing my mum's voice I broke down in tears as an a full grown up man nearly 50 years old would not do. Emotions run over me and explained why I was crying blaming her friend. I was crying deeply and loud and told my mum not to tell my sister of this.
Of course she did straight away and on a new year's day visit I got the same treatment at the dinner table not the same but equally as she had done previously in the past. Witch also involved her younger kid in the plan by switching plates baby plate to me and vise versa while I was not looking! This brought all back the hurt and when I went home I sent her a message about it and things hit the roof hence I demanded money back.

BossPaolo Tue 24-Jan-23 12:43:50

Hence since that episode I changed and become cold inside after hearing of mother hospital visits from others and when I would visit in the past Mum would give me a cold look.

Allsorts Tue 24-Jan-23 22:33:25

BossPaola, knowhere in your initial post was mention of any love between the three of you, it was about how you didn't get on, in your last sentence you said what your feelings towards your sister were, she is poisoners and nasty and other information came out about your interactions with each other that bears it out. Only you can decide.

LRavenscroft Wed 25-Jan-23 07:45:18

I had a very poisonous relative who fell out with both their daughters who pre-deceased them. Personally, I would go to the funeral to make peace with my past and out of duty to my mother but then forge a life for yourself and your own interests and family going forward. We all only have so much time left and why waste it on situations that do not bring you joy? However, some people just love to indulge in past miseries as my relative did who would drag up stories from 60 years ago. Be bold, strong, and true to yourself.

Jjooly Wed 25-Jan-23 08:51:12

There seems to be a lot of assumptions about people’s actions from what you wrote for instance you were seated between your mum and sister’s friend instead of being sat at head of head of table whilst having a meal at your sister’s house and your mum, sister and her friend were all in on the joke plus you saw your sister grinning. Then the last meal you had there you had the same treatment and your youngest nephew swapped his baby plate with yours and you assumed again he had been primed to do that by them.
Your sister asked you to ring your mum out of courtesy and once you heard her mum’s voice on phone you cried deeply and your mum told your sister which you had asked her not to do so you walked away from your sister and missed your mum’s last 10 years alive. I assumed when you said your were a nearly 50 year old man it was a typo as it sounds to me like a squabble my children in their very early years would have done and want me to intervene.
My daughter’s are adults now and if they fall out I let them get on with it as I’m not going to be piggy in the middle and they soon make up anyway.

BlueBelle Wed 25-Jan-23 09:01:54

I think that’s harsh jjooly likening the poster to your young children bosspaolo obviously doesn’t have English as a first language and probably has very different family situations (ie places round the table, humiliation etc ) to an English family In some cultures family meals are very very different to our casual affairs

Jjooly Wed 25-Jan-23 09:38:46

If your sister did do everything intentionally to wind you up as some grown up sibling do revert back to childhood roles when they get together then the pair of you needed telling to leave your mother out of your squabbles and not expect her to patch things up for a peaceful life. Even when she was I’ll in hospital she was afraid of everything kicking off agin when that poor woman was ill and she knew you both would make everything about the other and not the old lady who was struggling with I’ll heath

Jjooly Wed 25-Jan-23 10:52:12

BlueBell you’re right, bosspaolo sounds like English isn’t his first language and I don’t know his or his family’s culture and meal times could be very different to English ones.