Feeling just so mentally drained from it all….

You are on the estrangement forum but this doesn't sound like estrangement, why do you feel that is the case?

I think you really have mismatched expectations and values and are not communicating well.

Of course it is upsetting to have your child ignore your special days but this has been a strained relationship for a long time. You said you have pulled back from her, she went to live with her father, that has become this, it's cause and effect, by not addressing issues then, you have issues now.

Instead of being in the mindset of, estrangement is your future, perhaps you need to change your expectations. Love your daughter for who she is right now and what she is capable of giving you right now. Ask to make plans when she is available without pressure. I think if you want a closer relationship you have to work for it and be a person your daughter wants and needs in her life.

I agree that you are sounding a bit too intense.
I am widowed with 4 AC. I'm not part of any of their day to day lives.
They are at a different stage and I am glad of that
They would come like a shot if I needed them but I try not to be needy.

Your situation is probably complicated by your relationship with her DF and all that's gone before but it certainly doesn't mean you won't see her again.
Cheer up!
Weddings are an intensely anxious time so once that's over I'm sure things will improve.

I also agree with GSM. Get on with your own life and give your DD some space. She is more likely to want to be in contact with you if you don't want too much from her.

Working people in their 30s are busy

It’s so sad - I have been on the brink a couple of times. I have learned not to push it and not to expect too much. The days of wanting to see the GC every week/ fortnight are long gone. I now go with the flow. When they can spare the time, I get an invitation, to ‘pop in’. Don’t expect too much Adviceplease.
I can’t begin to imagine Mollyplop, how you have managed these past 10 years. What can be so bad ? It really is unbelievable that AC can do this to their mothers.

agree with GSM.
if you lower your expectations, you will be less upset.
you do sound a bit intense.

Maybe it’s difficult for you to understand how busy your daughter is. You probably have far more time to devote to your mother so you shouldn’t make that comparison. Young people have such busy lives these days. Don’t chase her or get intense, it will only make things worse. You’ll just have to be patient.

I am estranged from my adult son and haven't seen him for 10 years. Like you I tried and constantly questioned myself. Eventually I had to accept that there was nothing that I could do and I've had to move on. It's a bit like a death eventually it hurts less, but his birthday is still hard. Try and concentrate on the good things in your life instead and I'd consider some counselling. It helped me.