Gransnet forums


Sad nanna.

(10 Posts)
elgreen Sun 18-Jun-23 17:18:24

I have been estranged from my second DS for over two years, shortly after my mum died. He also cut the rest of this side of the family out, including his two brothers and sister.
Up until about a year ago I still saw my DIL and 7yo DGS. But then my son decided that would happen no more, and I’ve not seen my DGS since.
I have another DGS who’s 3, who lives half the time with his dad, my eldest DS. I have a lovely relationship with him.
To add to the situation my former DIL (eldest DS ex) has recently moved in next to my estranged son and his family.
She commented to DS1 that it would be awkward but he said, it’s not, DB stopped speaking to us not the other way round.
I have just found out that EDS and his W are expecting their second baby. I’m so thrilled for them but I’m selfishly devastated for me, none of this side of the family will get to see either GC, son has also cut his dad out, though we’re not together.
It’s such a mess, I’ve not been able to sleep since finding out, I’m so sad. I thought I had come to terms with the estrangement but I obviously haven’t.
I wish my EDS all the peace in the world and hope he is happy obviously.
There have been over the years some very cruel words said to me (and family) by my EDS, and indeed some very poor behaviour and while I miss my son very much every day I don’t miss the abuse from him. Is there a way forward from this, it’s just brought it all up again and made me realise how much I’m missing out on by not seeing my DGS and now the new baby.

VioletSky Sun 18-Jun-23 18:41:39

I think it would be good for you to get some sort of grief counselling to process these feelings.

And if this news is coming from extended family nearby to them, kindly ask for it to stop so you can avoid opening wounds

Iam64 Sun 18-Jun-23 19:02:49

I’m sorry you’re facing such sadness. Your comment about how much you’re missing out by not seeing your grandchildren stood out for me. I wonder how yiu could have a relationship with them but not with their parents.
If you feel those relationships are irreparable because of his abuse, it may be you find ways to accept that and live as well as yiu can

elgreen Sun 18-Jun-23 19:53:03

I would still love to have a relationship with my DS, even though he has been unpleasant and sometimes abusive I still miss him and love him. He was the one who decided not to see all of us, he has felt many apparent slights over the years, particularly he thinks that I favoured his elder brother. I don’t feel that I did but accept and appreciate that’s the way he feels.
My DS1’s ex, who now lives next door to EDS was the one who told my son and he then told me but I think I will have to say to not tell me anything further as I’m finding it so upsetting not being a part of it.

Allsorts Sun 18-Jun-23 20:59:04

I wonder why your ex dil decided to move in next to your son and felt the need to pass on news that she knew would upset you. Tell her shes not to talk. About famiky to you it upsets you, that should silence her.Have you tried to talk calmly with your son and try to resolve those things he feels are so bad he has cut you out. I had the same problem with my daughter, she undermined me, played mind games, would make arrangements and cancel , it was all very calculated, then she blanked me and everyone else. I thought there’s no point going on. I now realise, I didn’t bring her up to be cruel, just the opposite, that she treated other people badly, not her friends just her family, both sides, she now speaks to no family at all, has upset everyone, it can’t be everyone else that wrong. So a few years ago I made a conscious decision to let go. I don’t like what she has become. I remember the girl I loved, not what she became. I get down but it’s not because I want to see her.
Woukd you do what your son has? He’s spineless. He has the upper hand fo4=now, let him enjoy it. Have a good life, you have other family, care fir those that care for you, that treat you with common decency, you wouldn’t tolerate a friends treating you like this.
I think of these words, to thown own self be true.

Hithere Sun 18-Jun-23 22:06:38

I agree with VS.

As for moving next door, what a coincidence!
What motivated her to move so close?
Nevermind the reason, boundaries are very much needed

welbeck Sun 18-Jun-23 22:10:06

strong fences make good neighbours

Oasthouse Mon 19-Jun-23 00:12:17

elgreen, I feel for your situation,
I have been estranged from both my adult children for 5 and 7 years. One GC is nearly 6 years old and I only saw her at birth and not since. Both my children had babies last September which I saw on social media but I was never informed and don't even know either of the babies names.
Often my heart breaks and I feel bewildered and at a loss.
A dear friend this weekend sent me cute text messages of her GC while other friends go visiting and look after their GC.
I get some consolation knowing other people are in the same or similar situation.
I truly wish you well xxx

jeanie99 Tue 20-Jun-23 21:49:38

might I ask what your day to day life is like.

Having so much grief in your life makes me think you may be moving into depression.
This might be the time to take stock of the good things which are in your life and try slowly to move into a kinder world for yourself.

Allsorts Fri 23-Jun-23 18:31:02

I can understand going into depression, especially when it’s both your children like Oasthouse. It’s dreadfully hard but please try and live for. yourself as life is precious. You gave them life, they choose to live it without you, you can’t alter it, but without you they would not be here. Don’t focus on what’s gone, wish for the moon, it doesn’t get you anywhere, live for you and help others if you can, plenty will need you.