Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

@Smiless2012 I agree with what you say . I’ve felt this is a systematic erosion of our previous good relationship. Well , I’m suspicious about the cat because I offered to pay the vet fees (£700 apparently) but I requested the invoice. Now the invoice is nowhere to be seen? I’ve asked again for the invoice pretending to need it urgently to organise money from the bank - still no invoice . So I think this is a lie . In fact he’s lied about other things too . He stated he telephoned my sister to discuss this fall- out with her to get her support, turns out he sent her a text which she more or less ignored. I saw this . I did a bit of research into cats and Lillie’s. Now as you say it seems to be the stamens . He took the flowers in not me , so obviously that’s not my fault . As for saying if the cat’s dead by the weekend it’s my fault , well that’s disgusting………..
I simply don’t understand the need for all this . He’s led a charmed life with plenty of love , lots of family around him , certainly plenty of financial support ( from my parents) and this is how he turns out . I’m baffled to be honest . I’m hoping one day he will look in the mirror and wonder who he’s become because he’s not a nice person at the moment. I keep hoping things might change when the baby is here - apparently they are very stressed at the moment. This is according to her mother , who I don’t really trust obviously. If it’s a systematic cutting me out of their lives I don’t know if I could ever forgive him . That’s what concerns me x

@Allsorts
Thanks for your reply . Yes I tackled the florist who was not really that bothered. I’ll end up paying. I really don’t understand what I’ve done here to deserve such awful treatment from my DIL . She’s one nasty piece of work these days . In fact she suggested her and my boy start a dossier on me - can’t think why ? Presumably so they can dig out past events etc . Prior to her pregnancy were fine so I don’t get this at all but no matter what I do it isn’t good enough. If she splits me and my son up that’s unforgivable. How can she sleep at night

Ladysu you need to get 'Interflora' to write to your s&d.i.l explaining it was their mistake in sending Lillies instead of the roses.

Oh Ladysu what a terrible situation! It sounds to me like your DL has made her mind up she doesn't want you in her life and has made the asking why you wasn't told about the baby, the issue. It would be shocking not to be told of the forthcoming baby, your GC. Having said all that a lot of mums don't tell anyone until the 12wks scan, to make sure all is well before announcing the happy news, but close family would be told straight away. Is it your first GC and is your son your only child?

I know I sounded harsh when I said your d.i.l doesn't want you in her life, but it was the same with me and my son.i.l, he only wanted his family in their lives and that's what he got, 11yrs!!

As you have said they are being cruel and nasty to you, I can only advise in keeping a low profile for a while and hope things will settle down.

I'm so sorry you lost your other half so suddenly, your S&D.i.l should be more sympathetic and helpful in your time of grief.

I'm interested to read what others on here have advised and said.

I wish you luck in getting this sorted before the baby is born Maybe speak to your d.i.l's mother [?]

I'm glad you've posted again Ladysuisei. I read your first post a couple of times before I responded and didn't type my response straight away because I was so angry, and didn't want to respond in the wrong way.

Of course you don't want to lose your only son. No one wants to lose their child through estrangement but unfortunately, we are powerless in this type of situation.

I don't believe the story about their cat. I think it's another concocted excuse to abuse you. Until a couple of years ago when I lost my last cat, I'd had cats all my life. I don't like lilies because I find the scent overwhelming and over the years have had countless bouquets that contain them.

Your son and d.i.l. know that the lilies stamens are poisonous, so why didn't they remove the stamens? That's what I've always done. Their story doesn't make sense and I firmly believe that in a situation like this, if something doesn't make sense, it's because it isn't true.

Allsorts has said what we always say; damned if you do and damned if you don't. I'd do as she suggests and contact Inter Flora via email telling them they sent the wrong bouquet. Hopefully they'll respond and when they do, forward that to you son and tell him that you'll accept his apology when he's prepared to make it.

In my experience, estrangement isn't the result of the escalation of a fall out over a misunderstanding. Our's wasn't, it was the systematic carefully planned erosion of our relationship with our much loved son and I'm so sorry, but I think this is what's happening to you.

Lady's unused, I completely agree with Smileless. You are famed if you do and dammed if you don't. Make yourself busy, don't dwell, hard I know. If DIL wants you off the scene there's nothing you can do I'm afraid, reasoning won't help, but lying low might. I would however, insist that Interflora know the implications of their mistake and apoligise to the couple, emphasise the cats reaction to their mistake, poor cat. If they sent Lilues when not added yo they should be goofing the vets bill.

@Smiless2012 thank you for your kind words . Yes when I view my words objectively I suppose I’d advise the poster to walk away . In fact that’s crossed my mind but I don’t want to lose my only son , it’s such a huge decision. The DIL is just a nuisance now , who is manipulating my son with her own agenda. Obviously he’s not got the backbone to stand up to this , it’s odd , he never used to be like this . I know he’s not happy with this situation.
To make matters much worse, INTERFLORA delivered the wrong bouquet, and included lillies in this one . They have a cat ( you know what I’m going to say don’t you 😐) he put them down and the bloody cat started chewing on a poisonous flower. So now I get a message saying why the hell am I harassing his wife sending flowers she doesn’t want and by the way you’ve tried to kill my cat because you’re selfish. It’s so bad it’s funny. So that was an emergency dash to the vet and a barrage of abuse by text . If he’d have asked I would have said no they’re roses , don’t keep the lillies . Apparently I’ve made things “ so much worse than before “ whatever that tosh means . Probably intended to worry me about NC . I’m not expecting him to be reasonable and accept the florist sent the wrong one - but lillies I can’t believe it . So looks like my fate will be sealed courtesy of INTERFLORA. What a mess . I have a beautiful cat , why would I deliberately “ attack “ his wife by buying lillies for her , which the cat decided to eat . I love cats , a fact which they realise but this will be the justification they want I suppose. If it wasn’t this it would be something else . If the cat’s dead by the weekend then it’s my fault apparently ( even though the vet treated her ) . This shows how tenuous so many relationships on here are I suppose. A fall out over a misunderstanding escalates into a full blown estrangement. In my case this has been systematic abuse over many months . One day my son will look in the mirror and wonder who he’s become- let’s hope it’s not too late for him . X

Hello Ladysuisei.

I have been posting here for more than 11 years and from time to time on other forums for estranged parents and parents fearing estrangement. Your story is one of the most disturbing I have ever read.

It seems to me that what happened last August, just 8 months after the sudden death of your partner when you were still in the early stages of grieving, has been used as an excuse for the appalling way you have been, and continue to be treated.

If you had read your story, written by someone else, what would your advice be?

Mine is to not contact your son. I see no reason why you should feel any remorse for what happened when you thought your d.i.l. may miscarry. If you'd known she was pregnant, the incident at the hospital would have been handled differently, but you didn't know. They chose not to tell you which of course was their right, although I can't understand why, so any miscommunication as a result is on them, not on you.

You've tried to make things right by talking to your son and sending your d.i.l. flowers and can do no more.

If and when your son does contact you, make it abundantly clear that you will not be spoken to in this way and treated like a pariah.

This is abuse, pure and simple. Not something I'm sure you would tolerate from anyone else, so don't tolerate it from your son either.

Stay silent and wait to see if he contacts you. Your silence may make him take a look at what he's done and possibly make him see that not having his mum to talk too, and never again receiving a loving hug will mean that his "body autonomy" isn't all it's cracked up to be .

Unfortunately I fear I might be about to be dumped by my 30 year old son . I love him and my DIL dearly but they have been so cruel to me and continue to be . They are expecting their first child soon and I’ve been told no contact because of something I said ( can’t remember really- can explain later) back last August . Yes 6 months ago , no wonder I can’t remember. Very sadly my partner age 59 dropped dead on the 16th January 2023 and I have been absolutely devastated by his loss . Lots of the last year have gone past in a blur , but i realise my DIL has hated me since the August incident. They were initially supportive in my grief but for many months now have been so cruel it’s unbelievable. My son tells me I’m wicked , manipulative, selfish, various expletives, a bad selfish self centred mother who he wishes was dead . This , I find so upsetting. Now I’ve got to the bottom of why they been ghosting me , punishing me when my behaviour isn’t “ good enough” , refusing to help me with practical things, refusing to visit me, I am told regularly that I need to “ do better “ and so many other examples of cruelty. My son has been banned from hugging me due to his right to protect his “ body autonomy “ leading to the first threat of not having contact with my grandson. I’ve been accused of possibly trying to steal him (!!) as if . I don’t really want to touch a dirty nappy at this stage ! Anyway this is all within the context of deep grief for my beloved partner who was my son’s step father for 20 years . I refuse to feel ashamed of this treatment and/ or any possible loss of contact. I have decided I have pride .
The incident which started this campaign of hatred is something I’d welcome honest feedback on . I won’t be upset by your honesty.
Around mid August my DIL and her mother (🙄) drove me to hospital because I felt very unwell. Turns out I needed to be in A&E as I had another Acute Kidney Injury which needed treatment. Whilst there , my DIL kept going to toilet then rushed up to reception. I was concerned and confused. Her mother announced to me “ K is bleeding. She is nearly 11 weeks pregnant “ . I was so shocked, because I hadn’t been told . They came up with some sort of justification for this , which was rubbish, but nevertheless I was so hurt by not being told . Immediately I realised I was about to be a nan , then this turned to horror when I realised she was having a threatened miscarriage. Turned out this bleeding she experienced wasn’t serious but I knew nothing, no facts , no information, no news , I was excluded . When my son arrived at the hospital so they could do some tests etc I rushed to him to give him a hug , saying omg why didn’t you say . I was heartbroken. He shoved me away saying I was making it about me . ( more confusion) . I was stating the fact that I didn’t know , yes I said why didn’t you tell me but this was coming from a place of concern. After they left the hospital I didn’t know what the doctor said - I was having bloods done . So I rang my son who promptly went ballistic telling me how could I be so selfish to enquire about why didn’t I know when they were suffering. It was messy , but I was so concerned I needed to ask you know ? So the upshot is that because I made this “ all about me “ by asking questions, I am heartless, selfish and a monster . Obviously this has been corroborated by the DIL’s bloody mother . Please be honest here - do I sound monstrous for asking why I didn’t know about the pregnancy so I could make sense of what was going on ? I’m devastated that I caused hurt , even though it was all getting misunderstood. Today I felt so upset after speaking to my boy about this yesterday, I sent my DIL a beautiful bouquet of roses. No acknowledgement whatsoever obviously but I didn’t do it for that - I want to show my remorse . Remorse for something which started because important news had been withheld from me . I’m shocked that this has caused so much trouble. My DIL is driving the no contact with the baby by saying she won’t see me ( ever ) . Maybe things will change before the child arrives in March / April, but it probably won’t . Am I being unreasonable here , and should I have just kept my mouth shut ? x

Allsorts

Sewingnan, I was treated as you are now for years, I wouldn't rock the boat by saying anything as any excuse would result in her screaming at me, it completely destroyed all my confidence, I was recently widowed and I thought I was the problem and then eventually after years, I decided I’d had enough and we’ve been estranged since. It hurt like mad but I knew where I was and built on that. Feel for you as I know how much you miss them.

Allsorts nothing to say; just 💐! You deserve them.

Sewingnan, I was treated as you are now for years, I wouldn't rock the boat by saying anything as any excuse would result in her screaming at me, it completely destroyed all my confidence, I was recently widowed and I thought I was the problem and then eventually after years, I decided I’d had enough and we’ve been estranged since. It hurt like mad but I knew where I was and built on that. Feel for you as I know how much you miss them.

Ooooh Whiff your are awful, but I love you

Sorry Mr S came off his bike. Glad the damage wasn't as bad as first looked. Trouble is any falls at our age shocks your whole body .

But I had to smile 😊 at your last sentence. And my first thought was lucky Smiles . Me and my dirty mind. 😆. Better not tell Mr S .

I'll get Mr. S. to post a couple later.

Had quite a shock yesterday. He came back from his bike ride with an elbow and knee covered in blood because he'd come off . Taken the knee out of his trousers and fortunately was wearing a very thick and heavy leather flying jacket and safety helmet, which saved him from further damage.

I was horrified when I first saw him, but once we'd cleaned him up the injuries weren't as bad as I first thought. I'm always a bit worried when he goes out and will be even more so now.

Bless him, he's stiff all over today.

Smileless thank you, I would love to see your pictures. I think I could do with someone to look with fresh eyes and inspire me into changing my home. I tend to stick with plain light walls, neautral colours for carpets etc and the colour comes from curtains cushions and accessories.When my husband was alive it was the opposite, he looked at things with an artists eyes, I had to stop him painting the whole dining room bright red,
Whiff, your daughter in law, is a bitter, sad woman, she obviously had a problem with you, even if she disliked you, you deserved respect, who could want to be with someone who could write such vile things about someone who just loved her family and looked after them, , her feelings about you should have remained inside, you were her husbands mom and children’s grandmother, they had a right to a relationship with you. It will come back on her one day, children grow up and question. Just keep on enjoying your life so one day if those boys come looking, they see their grandmother as a lovely kind person, they will make up their minds.

Morning all.

The rails and banisters are black now Allsorts. The walls are white and as the carpet is black tartan, it does look good. I'll get Mr. S. to take a pic and post it so you can see what it looks like.

We actually up sized when we moved. This is the biggest house we've ever had which does seem ridiculous for just the two of us, but we fell in love with it the first time we saw it. So much so, that after looking at the one next door which the girls bought, we offered the full asking price there and then!!! It had only been in the market 3 days, we were the first to view and didn't want to risk losing it.

I understand why you can't go through that village sewingnan. We moved because our ES and his family lived just down the road and seeing them and never knowing if we would every time we went out, was unbearable.

Hope you continue to avoid the dreaded cough. Keep us posted on how your decorating goes, we do like to be nosy kept up to date. Are you sure you wont go for black?

I think it may have been different if we had other GC Yogin, not that anyone can replace the ones you've lost as you know only too well. I love little ones, and seeing them knowing that it's something you'll never experience despite having two GC is just something I've never been able to come to terms with, so I avoid them whenever I can.

"and haven't shut up since" I think it's extremely rare that I read a post from you Whiff that doesn't at some point, make me .

Your s.i.l. sounds lovely and it's good to know that you don't take any risks by going out when the conditions are dodgy.

Hello Allsorts you don't have to downsize, if you want to stay in your long-time home do. Moving is high stress and if you end up not feeling happy in your new home, you'll regret the move. My garden is nice, I have a big kitchen, which is nice and large patio doors to look out onto my garden with the birds & squirrels. I love the district I'm in, which is right by a lovely quiet beach and beautiful park with swans etc. But my road is awful, lots of arguments about parking, first time I haven't had a driveway and I miss that. I had to move to get rid of my mortgage.

Whiff

Smiles it's sad to see my husband's working life is only worth 48p a week considering how much he paid in NI until he died. Got my arse kicked on legal and pension thread over it. But to think 30 years of him working usually 7 days a week because he brought work home with him amounts to £748.80.

That's not right Whiff I agree., where has all he's contributions gone then? should be going to you.

Well done Smiles & Mr.S on painting your stairs. I have list of jobs to do, but always seem to run out of time [Hmm]
I job I can't ignore is my tax return due by end of this month.

4years Whiff long time to be estranged

Well done Sewing for all your plans, do hope it works out for you.

BBNan welcome x

Smiles sorry it's still so painful for you to be around little ones . I was the same for years, just couldn't look at them, so painful. I'm ok now, probably because I do now have GC from my other DD, which of course helps tremendously, but even that took time.

Smileless I keep thinking about your black staircase. Is it just the rails and skirting boards or the doors and
walls as well, I can’t picture it at all. A very bold step. I love being around little ones as I did all that with mine and baby sat regularly. I was cut off when I was widowed I could have become a liability, but it must be gut wrenching having little ones ripped away, very cruel.
Must say I do worry about if I do get so I can’t manage here and where would I live. No point for me moving sideways, I’ve investigated all options, it would have to be a downsize which I am resisting as love my space but not the work, not very sensible I know.

sewingnan I was born disabled my GP told me in 1988 when the limbs jerks and pain got worse. My parents had me to the doctors and children's hospital for years told it was growing pains and I was clumsy. I had pains in my legs all my life and fell all the time . This was reinforced when I had tests done in 1992 at neurological hospital in London but the Professor I was under couldn't tell me what was wrong only what I hadn't got.

My son was 6 months and daughter 4 in 1988 when I got worse . But I was always a hands on mom only thing I could do was carry my son up or down the stairs or go out on my own. But they never came to any hard through my limb jerks . They grew up with a disabled mom. But I never missed a thing they did at school my husband and dad made sure of that.

When my grandsons came along they never where harmed because of me. After the estrangement looking back my son and daughter in law never trusted me alone in the room with my grandsons ,never changed a nappy ,helped at bath time ,only ever push the buggy once with the eldest and ran into a display it was taken off me by my daughter in law.

And yet my daughter and son in law trusted me with their eldest . I changed nappies ,fed him ,my daughter would put him in the bath and leave me to play with him while she did other things , first time I push him in his buggy went into a display but my daughter said I always do that and never took him off me. I baby sat him for 3-4 hours while they went out. Like she said you never hurt us mom we trust you.

I was finally diagnosed in 2022 but had been on a tablet since 2020 which stopped the limb jerks and had 4 seizures. After 32 years my limbs where still. So when my youngest grandson my daughter's youngest arrived I didn't have the limb jerks or seizures anymore did all the same things . But we had been out and came back to my bungalow in the hall I was holding him my arms stiffen as I must have been startled it's a reaction and part of having HPX . And started to drop him but caught him . I was very upset as I would never want to hurt him . But my daughter just said it's ok mom you caught him and we trust you with our boys.

Because I lived so far away and only saw the family every so often I put up with things that happened when I was with my son and daughter in law as I was just happy to be with them . My daughter in law slagged off my daughter but I never said a word. When my son took me to their house she went out with friends . I just thought she had a prior arrangement.

When I moved here I was never invited to their house . But my son came every week with the boys for 7 months until Covid. Last time I saw my daughter in law was boxing day 2019 and she sat and crochet would only talk to me if I asked a question. They where at my bungalow. Take forever to explain how that came about.

My daughter in law trolled me on a different GN thread . I was staying at my daughter's while have lot of messy work done in my bungalow and wasn't well pain was off the chart this was June 2020 she wrote as a nan and said her grandson had read something on Reddit think it was my daughter in law. Should say I told people on that thread what happened as I had been on it since 2019 . She put a link and I pressed it. If I hadn't been in so much pain would have realised the person had never posted before . The children know what my username name is because it's what my husband called me. My daughter in law had been slagging me off for over a year before I moved . She said awful things about my daughter but my daughter just laughed. What killed the love I had for my daughter in law was one sentence FIL died to get away from MIL. I thought how could anyone be so wicked to write that about her husbands dad a man she never knew and my husband died in agony from cancer. Also the comments about she had back where awful . Wonder if she would have had them if people knew she was talking about her disabled mother in law.

Smiles read what she wrote as by then I had been sending her PMs and couldn't post openly at the time. But because of her kindness I found I could and haven't shut up since 😂.

I saw and know things that happened to my son's boys and never said a thing wish I had now. They think they are the perfect parents they are far from it.

Should point out I never called myself disabled even though I knew I was until I had my diagnosis. I foolishly thought others I met at hospitals over the years where worse than me but they weren't. So I wear my disability with pride. What I have got is rare and a genetic mutation in my brain receptors. My parents where carriers for it 50/50 change of having a child with it. I have it my brother doesn't also he isn't a carrier . Because I have it means I am not a carrier so my children and 5 grandson's haven't got it. It's only through having my whole genome genetically tested it could be diagnosed because it's in my DNA .

I thought I was weird but I am not but normal for HPX. Because it's rare my neurologist had never had a patient with it but he has 2 now . Because I talk about him on my HPX group which is world wide and had 978 members a woman in the next county to me got a referral to see him last year.

Anyway no idea why I wrote this but think it was to show the difference between my son and daughter and the fact it's the difference between who they fall in love with and marry. And the way their spouses treat me. My lovely son in law sent a message to my daughter Friday to say tell your mom to be careful if she goes out as it's very slippy. That shows how much he cares about me . I didn't go out.

Smiles, to hear that you still avoid events with small children after so long because of your deep pain is heartbreaking but totally understandable. I can’t go through the village where I would pick up my GD from nursery and we would skip to her home, climbing on walls and sniffing all the flowers. I too reverted to being childlike and carefree during those silly moments. I wonder if she will remember them. Becoming a grandparent reawakened so much lost through years of just life I guess with no way of channelling that feeling at the moment. I think it’s also a feeling of being useful and needed and dependable to a little person who in return doesn’t judge you and actually does want you in their life. That’s the bit I don’t get with all these situations. Unless you are dangerous around them why can’t the adults allow you some time together for the children’s benefit. I think Whiff said it, they are selfish adults to prevent this and it is just easier for them to make no effort. Hope everyone is keeping well whilst so far I have avoided what they are now calling the 100 day cough. Decorating is mindful so I’m going to freshen the house up ready to put it on the market in early summer. I don’t think I’ll go for black though 🤔

BBnan5, So sorry you are suffering so much. It is such a difficult place to be isn’t it? and not a topic talked about generally in life making the isolation worse. It must be the only subject you feel you dare not talk to other family members about in case it makes matters worse. There are wars raging and people losing loved ones yet we can’t get any explanation as to why we are being alienated or given a chance to put things right if we are wrong about something or are missing something. From what I am learning it is not our faults, we are not perfect but doing our best. We loved and protected our children unconditionally and feel the same for our grandchildren. I don’t get that while we didn’t teach our C to be unkind that they can be so hard on us. I am new to negotiating my feelings on this, helped by those who are also going through it and who have learned to cope day to day. Sending you a huge virtual hug X

Smiles it's sad to see my husband's working life is only worth 48p a week considering how much he paid in NI until he died. Got my arse kicked on legal and pension thread over it. But to think 30 years of him working usually 7 days a week because he brought work home with him amounts to £748.80.

48p a week due to your DH's 30 years of NI contributions, now don't go spending it all at once.