Smileless2012
That certainly is a step in the right direction Ladysu 
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Understanding that there are topics best avoided is a good thing as is being able to recognise what those topics are. I think you might have something there, in him wanting his relationship with you but not as close as it used to be.
It does sound as if he feels that you do see him as a replacement for your partner in terms of emotional and practical support, which he can never be and it's good that you can see this is something you need to accept.
Our relationships with our children do change as they go through various stages in their lives, and no more so than when they get married and become parents themselves. Try not to see this as being a superficial relationship, but see it as different to how it used to be.
There's time for you to decide what for you is and is not acceptable, and there's time for him to think about this too. What he envisages may be the ideal scenario now, may change as it may change for you too.
You speak to him and see him once a week at the moment, and even if a weekly 'phone call will still be doable once the baby arrives, I doubt a weekly visit will be too, especially if he comes on his own.
As far as neither of them wanting to spend the amount of time with you that you would like, this is where managing our expectations comes into play. I understand this isn't something you've ever prepared yourself for, but you have time to begin the process now.
Feeling lost is natural when you lose someone you love suddenly and unexpectedly, and it's only been just over a year. Still early days.
Hopefully you'll be settling into your new home where you'll meet new people and may find different opportunities opening up, which will help in part to fill your time and thoughts.
As new parents, any time spent he and hopefully eventually they spend time with you will be to maintain that relationship rather than offering practical help/doing things for you.
@Smiles yes an interesting morning. I’m hoping that this might be a way to narrowly escape estrangement.
I did give him the opportunity to have a more meaningful conversation which he decided, so onto plan B . Plan B needs a bit of thought , because we’re used to falling back into our usual conversations I think .
I believe we can eventually become as close as we were just in a different way . It’s like you’ve said there , trying to see our relationship evolving rather than giving him the impression that I want a replacement partner figure . This might be what’s annoying his wife I don’t know . She can be a bit spoiled and doesn’t like to share mind , so this is why I don’t get a hug . Hopefully in time I will do because I’m a tactile person and I miss the closeness . I’m used to hugging his wife too mind , not just my son . I always told her I love her and to look after herself and my boy . Maybe one day …….
I have always accepted the change in our relationship once he got married, it’s just that this baby coupled with my loss has triggered some strange reactions in my DIL . I don’t know why she resents me so much after all I’ve lost the most important person in my life . I will always be lost without him , he was an amazing person. Beautiful inside and outside, practical, funny , kind , sexy , and I love him immensely. I have to accept he’s gone and my son will never take his place , not really . I have been desperately looking for this void to be filled and I must accept it won’t be , ever .
I think it’s more important to keep this relationship going rather than say , setting an arbitrary amount of time for us seeing each other , or else ? Seeing them all once a week would be great going forward I think .
Of course I don’t know what will be happening when he’s off for a month after the baby is born - ideally we would meet the baby during this time after all I fully expect his wife’s mother to be there all the time . I am hoping my son will rethink and allow me this relationship with his son , after all there’s no reason to deny me this other than spite . If we stay on this better footing then I think it will be very hard to justify no contact with the child .
I need to work on managing my expectations now you are right . Failing to do this will make life much worse and actually I think this might be where relationships in general can go wrong. Mind you , from your bitter experience, sometimes things just go wrong without you even noticing. I’m sure I’ve taken my eye off the ball - I need to constantly be vigilant if I’m successful in keeping this going .
I see this today as being pretty successful. At least my son wasn’t angry, now my next task will be ( hopefully) moving , trying my very best to settle and to try to accept life as it now is .
You are right in saying that any time he and hopefully they spend with me in the future will be keeping the relationship going rather than for offering emotional help . I do believe that if we keep this going , my son will offer practical help in the fullness of time . I would only ask him when absolutely necessary. The flat will be pretty low maintenance, there’s no gardening to be done thankfully , but my issue is driving . I stopped quite a few years ago and I don’t know if I have the confidence to start again.
Instead of jumping ahead , I need to really focus my mind on the job in hand which is to try to rebuild things then keep them going .
Let’s hope that we have a repeat performance next week shall we !
