Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Yes it is. Simple and effective. I still use it now. 😁

The velvet rope policy or versions of it is a good one DL 🙂

DL. Well.....only one answer......b#gger the lot of them. 😂.

When I say I made my mistakes ......my mistake was to try to defend myself against the lies and gaslighting. I reacted from my heart instead of "thinking with my head".

It was only when I discovered and employed my red velvet rope policy that I was able to make any kind of progress.

Just a pity I didn't discover it earlier......😉

In the title it says "..... if Estrangement has affected your life"

Over the years I have seen so many helped by this thread. Those estranged for a short time; those estranged for years; those who daily fear estrangement; those who want to try to avoid it but dont know how ...and so on.

I have seen people describe their pain; describe how they cope; supported through bad days; supported through good days; supported through bereavement; supported through so so many things that happen in life...

I truly hope that that special aspect of this thread can continue.

DerbyshireLass

Hello DL. I was so sorry to hear about your husbands death. Not only that but the shameful shenanigans re the funeral and the way you were treated.

You have so much on your plate right now, the last thing you need is to be dealing with the fallout from his family. I can understand that his death has brought up bad memories. As you say they are not your birth children so you shouldn't feel responsible for them, but even so they should have shown you more courtesy and respect in your time of grief.

I hope things improve with the passage of time and that eventually you will remember the good stuff and be able to look back with fondness on all the happy times you had together. I've finally reached that stage in my grief journey. Took a long while but I got there in the end.

Sending you 💐 and hugs. ❤️

Thank you. We cross posted. This is a hard journey, as you know. Thankfully, I do have the support of my kids, and in laws, which helps.

It's the rest of them lol 😉

I think if both sides have made mistakes, then, of course apologies are the right thing.

No matter how hard I think about it, though, DH's sons did what they did purely out of self interest.

The youngest bounced us in and out of estrangement for 18 years - simply because we wouldn't pay to subsidise his gambling/alcohol abuse.

The eldest has virtually estranged us when DH died - he said he didn't want the burden of having to deal with elderly parents. Couldn't be bothered, he had a life yada, yada. He estranged his mother and mother-in-law at the same time.

My ex estranged out adult kids for 10 years, talked to them for two years, and now has estranged our son again, and my daughter is waiting for her estrangement to rock in.🙄

He let it be known to a friend, who he doesn't know I'm still talking to, that it was the one way he had to press my buttons still. Which it does. This is 23 years after our divorce.🙄

I can't apologise for any of the above. No chance.

Meanwhile, there's the ever crazier ex of my GS withholding his child from him (or the rest of us), having any contact. Just because she can.

Every situation is different, I'm glad for those that can sort it out, but I have my boundaries as well.

Best wishes 💐

Hello DL. I was so sorry to hear about your husbands death. Not only that but the shameful shenanigans re the funeral and the way you were treated.

You have so much on your plate right now, the last thing you need is to be dealing with the fallout from his family. I can understand that his death has brought up bad memories. As you say they are not your birth children so you shouldn't feel responsible for them, but even so they should have shown you more courtesy and respect in your time of grief.

I hope things improve with the passage of time and that eventually you will remember the good stuff and be able to look back with fondness on all the happy times you had together. I've finally reached that stage in my grief journey. Took a long while but I got there in the end.

Sending you 💐 and hugs. ❤️

I actually WAS estranged.

Yes "only" for 10 weeks, but 10 weeks of pure hell none the less. And prior to that both and I and my other son suffered years of abuse, attempted emotional blackmail, etc. I never did reveal the full extent on here.

I fail to see how the length of estrangement has any real bearing as to how one actually FEELS. Estrangement is estrangement even if it is short lived. And as Mya Angelou said "you can forget what was done to you, you can forget what was said, but you can never forget how you were made to feel".

Alas it wasn't/isn't as simple as not getting on with my DIL and biting my tongue. It was much much worse.

I am actually very fond of my DIL, yes she is difficult but it's not her fault. She has expressed her remorse for her behaviour and we have put it behind us. To be fair to her my son was complicit too, he didn't handle things well and he didnt exactly come out smelling of roses. And yes, I could have done things better too. So we were all complicit.

But as is said before none of us is perfect, we all mess up. There's no point in torturing ourselves or others. At the risk of sounding preachy I think all we can do is learn from our mistakes and resolve to do better in future.

Anyway I am just relieved that we are reconciled and are a family again. It took a lot of work but it has been worth it.

Is a glorious day here. Just hand washing some knitwear.

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DerbyshireLass

Given the above I think it's time I once again withdraw from the thread.

I wish everyone the best possible outcome and hope you all manage to live the best possible lives you can.

DL - nice to see you posting again, and I hope that your "new" relationship with your son and DIL lasts.

I don't think you triggered anyone - I think it was the list of suggested "rules".

My DH died in April - which bought up all sorts of stuff over the way they'd treated him. I will never forgive them, don't want to, but they're not my birth children, so easier for me than most on here.

Best wishes 💐

Given the above I think it's time I once again withdraw from the thread.

I wish everyone the best possible outcome and hope you all manage to live the best possible lives you can.

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Thank you Allsorts I'm really so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed again. A walk by the sea or in the park lifts my spirits, always someone to talk to. I also feel lifted after doing my yoga.
Take care

that should have read 'I never envisaged them being with our ES'.

Isn't life strange DSL. Our youngest was always a model child, never a frown, easy going and sunny natured with our DS giving us the most grief and not just through the teenage years.

Of course you never think there will be any serious issues with any of your children do you, but if I'd thought there could have been some stormy seas to navigate, I'd never have envisaged them being with our DS.

As much as I was annoyed and upset when our ES contacted me by email just two days after mum died, I too knew how much that must have taken which is why I responded, when all I really wanted to do was ignore him but I couldn't 'leave him hanging' so to speak, which is what he did to us.

I'm so pleased you've posted, it's good to know that everything's going well because of course we do wonder and hope that all is well.

It's good to know that some of what's posted on this thread is helpful to others Dotcom. No, it isn't easy getting on with our lives especially to begin with but we manage it somehow and that's what really matters.

Secret,

Just wanted to say that I'm very happy for you and I wish you well! I enjoyed reading your reflections and what helped you get to this point.

No surprise my post was deleted. It's what I expected.

Whiff,

Oh dear....

Tbh I am very happy with my post and I think you will see that what worked for me has worked for others too, but yes it is personal and you can disagree. I haven't forced it on anyone, I've clearly said it's what has worked for me to take me to a more positive place. There was no need to be angry, rude or disrespectful in your replies.

I don't normally read or reply to your posts, but I wanted to say other posters have added their views without being rude. Some have actually said they do some of the things I did. Also, everyone is in different situations, timeframes, we are all different people. I think it is very sad if you cannot appreciate that. Most people would be really pleased that someone has found a way to reconnect with their AC. The way you ended your first reply post to me clearly came across as someone who was wishing for it to not work out. That is unkind and shows someone with a complete lack of compassion or positivity (which I'm not sure is good for any new users in this thread). Everyone has a right to air their experience and/or opinion. It might just help someone....sorry it won't help you.....but you make your own path and what you are happy with. What I say and do is not your really any of your concern. I also think people that read these threads have a right to make up their own minds as to what works for them.

No one was telling you or anyone how to feel, it's clearly what worked for me. That was actually from much reading, reading other posts, experience from a therapist and a qualified coach, podcasts etc. We all do what we can to look after ourselves and move forward positively. I certainly don't sit in an 'Ivory Tower' or judge anyone, but I do prefer to correspond with people that are supportive, kind and non-judgmental.

We all have a right to feel how we want to feel - I'm just so pleased that I found a way to re-connect before it was too late!

Not much of a poster on here but sometimes what someone will say resonates and I’d like to say thank you.

Allsorts for your little gems of wisdom they help.

Whiff for your steadfast support of this thread and amazing tenacity to be awarded the PIP.

It’s lovely to hear from you Derbyshire Lass and updated us of your situation.

It’s hard to be in this situation and is easier said than done to get on with your life but that’s the way forward as they say.
We are human and have feelings and emotions therefore we must try to be kind with ourselves too.
It’s certainly helped me be compassionate to others.🪷

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Hi Smiles....how I envy you your lovely Mr S. (in the nicest possible way). 😁.

It's been nine years now since my husband died, and I still miss him more than words could say. My DIL actually took me out to lunch on the anniversary.....such a sweet thing to do. She asked me how I was feeling about it all and it felt so good to be able to say that actually I was pretty much ok, that I felt that the worst of the grief was over.

I was Very touched at her thoughtfulness. And it's true, the memories of those awful dark days of his illness have finally faded and I'm now left with memories of the good times. I have even been able to watch a couple of DVDs of family gatherings where he is there, doing his thing, being his charming, charismatic self.

Yes, it is hard to make the first move. That's why when my son offered an olive branch I grabbed it with both hands. I know what it took for him to do it. I wasn't going to to let resentment and mistrust scupper our chance of a rapprochement. No one is perfect, we all mess up at times. It can be hard to trust again but I am prepared to give him a second chance, we all deserve at least one second chance.

It's funny how life turns out. My eldest son was always a model child, never a frown, easy going and sunny natured, it was my youngest who gave me the most grief, especially as a teenager. 😱😂. Now the situation is completely reversed. My youngest is a an absolute joy, loving, kind, funny and compassionate, never a cross word from his lips. My eldest is now prickly and I do tread warily. I know he loves me because he fought to keep me in his life but he isn't the easy happy go lucky sunny natured man he used to be.

Still, I consider myself extremely lucky to have him back in my life, even if he is a shadow of his former self. I will do everything I can to support him and continue to love him. I bear neither of them any malice or ill will.

I love this quote by Michael Caine.

"Never look back in anger, always look forward with hope and never dream small."

Says it all really.

A glorious day here, wall to wall sunshine. And more in the way next week. What's not to like. 😎🥂

Morning everyone, it's a beautiful day here today and I'm wishing I hadn't taken a chicken out of the freezer for tonight's meal as a BBQ would have been great. Still is
Mr. S.'s favourite and he's worth it .

I do think that there are misconceptions when it comes to anger Whiff. Yes, it can be very destructive but as well as being a reactive emotion, it can also be a proactive one too.

Especially at the beginning of our estrangement, my anger was what kept me going and got me out of bed. I was so angry that I wasn't going to allow what our ES had done to us, to destroy any hope for peace and happiness in the future.

I'm still angry. The blind rage left me sometime ago but the anger I think will always remain.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with depression Allsorts. It's so hard to get that black cloud that descends to lift. Sometimes we have to try and be patient and wait for it to gradually dissipate .

The Serenity prayer is wonderful and when there are times when I want to pray but can't find the words, that's the one I use.

I agree about not dwelling on and constantly regurgitating the past. Talking about specific incidents can help others if they're experiencing the same or very similar and the similarities between so many individuals stories over the years has been quite staggering.

How lovely to hear from you DerbyshireLass and it's nice to know that you continue to pop on and read. Even for those who have no hope, it is lovely to hear a success story. Even more so when so much has been shared here during the dark days of estrangement. There have been a few over the years and it's always a privilege to share in the joy, just as it was a privilege to share in the pain. To have been trusted at a time when one feels so vulnerable and often alone.

Writing down our feelings, keeping the lines of communication open (where some still exists) and eventually letting go, or all advice shared here time and time again.

As for boundaries, well you really got that sorted with your 'velvet rope' strategy which was a great success and sound advice for anyone where some residue of a relationship still exists.

Forgiveness is for many a work in progress and even where there's been reconciliation, the hurt and pain can linger.

When I talked about a window of opportunity, it was time I was thinking about. There being a time when reconciliation may still be possible which of course is different for each one of us.

The longer the estrangement goes on for, where there is no communication whatsoever, does it not get harder to reach out especially if you're the one who did the estranging?

Would it not be harder to attempt asked for reconciliation when years have passed? I do so admire the courage of those who do.

I'm thinking of course about our estrangement of more than 10 years. It's simply been too long and I'm not brave enough to go back into a relationship that almost destroyed us both.

It’s what I found I needed to do to move forward

We all have different ways of coping don't we and it's good to read about different strategies people use whether estranged, low contact or fearing Estrangement. Wishing you all the best. 🙂

Derbyshire Lass,

Thank you for posting. Really lovely to read your situation and TY for being supportive. I realised some people may find it hard to see someone else has benefited from a re-connection and what I’ve learnt to help me move forward.

I personally just didn’t want to get stuck holding onto upset that didn’t benefit me or others.

I’m sorry Allsorts that you have been going through a hard time. It sucks, but hold on to the fact you can and will get through this. Do be kind to yourself and look after YOU.

Whiff,
I hope you read my post again as it certainly wasn’t judgmental or telling anyone what to do. It’s what I found I needed to do to move forward.

I appreciate some people get stuck and bitter and like Smileless says there is maybe a window of time when the door is still open to build on that. I grasped it. I too hope we make it work.

I come from a position of strength knowing I’m prepared to make changes, take it slowly and let the past go.

Wishing someone not to do it again is of course what we all want, but tbh I am fully aware it could and might. It’s a risk we take, we are never the same, but like Derbyshire Lass says, but we adapt and grow so we can continue the new relationship we now have.

It’s a chance….and I’m happy to take that opportunity.