Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Smiles.......I think you are right about "the window of opportunity". Once it's locked it's difficult to open it again. Time passes, the hurt and pain linger, and sometimes resentment and bitterness set in,

I wonder how many estrangers later feel regret or remorse but are too ashamed or embarrassed to make a move towards reconciliation. How many think they have plenty of time to make amends only to discover they have left it too late.....(as in the two songs I recommended).

Allsorts......so sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Hopefully you will soon regain your equilibrium and find your way back to that good place.

I firmly believe that estrangement is a form of PTSD and that it can take a long time to fully heal. Sometimes full healing may never take place but I think we can find a "safe harbour" so to speak.

There is a great book called "The Body Keeps the Score". I found it very helpful.

Although I am now in the fortunate position of being reconciled with my son I freely admit I still bear the scars of what I went through. My body is indeed keeping the score. I am still paying the price in terms of my health and well-being. Some wounds run so deep they take a very long time to heal. I am still not back to my old self. And I miss her, I want her back so I continue to work on myself and try to fully recover from the trauma of that time.

One thing I did find is that the trauma I went through with the estrangement with my son reopened a lot of old wounds from my childhood. I'm ok now but it has taken took a lot of work because there were a lot of unresolved issues that I had buried and not fully processed.

It's a journey isn't it. All we can do is keep taking the steps.......

Well now here's a blast from the past for you........

Hello everyone. I still read along but haven't posted for a while because like Secret I am now in the happy position of being reconciled with my estranged son and DIL. And like Secret I didn't want to upset anyone with my "Success Story".

But reading Secrets post I realise that "Success Stories" can be a beacon of hope or a source of inspiration and/or motivation. When times are rough we all need hope, support and encouragement.

With regard to Secrets 5 steps. Oddly enough I found myself employing broadly similar strategies when I was trying to get my head round our estrangement and salvage my relationship with my son.

The hardest for me and I think for most is no 2. Forgiveness. It's so problematical. When we are hurt and in pain it can be nigh on impossible to "forgive". How do you forgive the unforgivable........

I find the concept of "radical acceptance" more palatable than forgiveness. It is not our job to give absolution to those who hurt us, they must find their own path to redemption. They have to live with their consciences as we have to live with ours.

Difficult to explain but I found that by accepting the reality of my situation and not railing against the unfairness enabled me to heal.

I think we must first learn to forgive and love ourselves so that we can let go of all the anger, resentment and hurt. Only then can we heal, grow and build those bridges.

Healing and rapprochement can happen but it takes a lot of work. And even after rapprochement relationships can remain fragile and vulnerable. I take nothing for granted. I tread warily. Some people might find that unacceptable but it works for me. I have my son back and am getting to know my grandchildren. I still maintain my "red velvet rope policy". It works for me.

Oddly enough by remaining steadfast and firm, by setting those boundaries my relationship with my DIL has improved. She is still difficult, still very volatile and I am under no illusions that she could pull the rug at any point. But I have learned how to navigate the pitfalls. I understand what drives her and why she is the way she is, the obstacles she has overcome and the daily struggles she faces. Yes most of the issues of her own making, She freely admits that she is often her own worst enemy. I take my hat off to her for that. You have to admire someone who can admit their faults and who is trying to improve. My DIL has many admirable qualities and I make sure she knows that I appreciate her and care for her.

We are all the products of the way we were brought up and parented. The sins of the fathers and all that. No one is perfect, ............no not even me, 😂🤣. All we can do is try to forgive but if we can't, then at least accept and try to understand, try to overlook the faults in both ourselves and others and to appreciate their good qualities. Not easy sometimes. 😉

We cannot change what happens to us, but we can change our response.

There are two songs which have very profound lyrics. Sorry I can't do links but I recommend them. They are both about the father/son dynamic but they can be applicable to all personal relationships.

One is called "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics. The other is called "The Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chaplin. Both very moving. I commend them to you.

Stay well my lovely friends, look after your health and well being. Forgive yourselves, protect yourselves and cherish those who love you.

Throughout my period of estrangement with my eldest son my youngest son was my stay, my rock and my lifeline. My friends, both on here and in real life were my lifeline and support. I cherish you all. This thread helped me more,than you will know.

So a big shout out to Smiles and the regulars. Keep up the good work. You are all better than therapy.

You did remarkably well Smileless you and Mr S. I hope you remember your girl for the happy times and that hat will be a reminder, not that you need one.
I have been so depressed these last few months, I don't think it helps having to justify myself against certain people on here or hear at length about estrangements years ago, repeatedly, everyone's situation is different but the aftermath equally awful. I try so hard to forget it, reading the whys and wherefores, does no good and going back there has almost tipped me over the edge, do I will skip those. . I did my best, true not good enough, but I must move on and not keep looking back, as its history. I had got to a good place and now slipped back. We are here to prove there is life after estrangemen. I believe in learning from the past and most of all the words of the Serenity prayer. I want to support new people on here, they don't need to know the ins and outs of what happened to me years ago, just support to get through it because to come on here they have tried everything anyway as we all did but it didn't work out. You just have to do your best and move on. Our children sound tell a different version to us of events but they have already moved on as it was their choice. That's the bit that gets me, I'm history but I do accept it.
Yoga, it cheers me no end that you are now in a good place, you worked hard to get there as we all did, we will always miss our child but accept it was their choice.

Secret glad you reconnected with your daughter. We all have our own experiences of estrangement and our own way of dealing with it. Personally I don't need a list telling me how I should feel and how to deal with my life.
This thread is non judgemental and we don't tell eachother how we should feel about our estranged children.

You say this thread helped you . But none of us judged you or told you how to feel. For me your list is yours and yours alone. I don't appreciate someone telling how I should feel and to let go of my anger and forgive.

And no it hasn't triggered me but annoyed me.

So I wish you well and hope your daughter doesn't turn round and do the same thing to you again.

Hello Secret it's good to see you posting and more importantly to learn that you and your D are communicating effectively, which is what's needed to take the relationship further and hopefully grow in strength.

Your post for me, supports my view that there's a window of opportunity in terms of time where reconciliation can be possible, and of course it also very much depends on the reasons behind the estrangement.

Even where there's intermittent contact I believe there is hope, rather than the wall of silence that some are faced with.

Letting go and getting on with your own life is paramount when it comes to healing and moving forward. Having one's own boundaries in mind is also important and are just as important as any boundaries they have in place, to avoid estrangement in the future.

Wishing you all the best as you and your D go forward together.

Good Morning,

Just a little up-date post from me - previously posted as Just Because.

Felt an explanation was due to those of you who had been so kind to support me over the past few months. You know who you are.

I found this thread a wonderful support.

Warning: This is a positive post and so if it triggers you in any way I am apologising upfront. I was very early days to estrangement and so my experience is more of a really rocky road/rollercoaster relationship with my AD over past 2 years.

1) Reason for change of name on GN:

I had a not so great experience on another thread, I cancelled my account - then had to rejoin so I could follow up with GNHQ to remove said thread. All sorted TY Mumsnet/GN.

2) I have recently heard from my D after her honeymoon and going back to work…settling back into life - we have re-set our expectations of our relationship and tbh I’m happy to just go with the flow and have a positive, healthy relationship with her.
So I feel we have both been given a fresh start, but I have learnt so much from you all and this site I wanted to TY. Even those I don’t necessarily agree with I respect we have different views.

3). I decided to take a break from looking at these sites for the time being to focus my attention elsewhere, personally I think it’s better for my MH as I move forward.

I wish you all well in whatever stage you are at on your journey. I hope you find a positive way through it and get all the support and peace you need to be happy.

These are some of the things I have learnt recently that helped me get myself in a better place. I’m sharing because if it helps just one other person feel better about themselves and a way through to a reconciliation or just feeling stronger:

1)Write your feelings out, journaling is therapeutic, cathartic and getting it out on paper, reading back a day later helps you and you haven’t said anything to anyone else to hurt them. Don’t send or say nasty things it never benefits you or them.

2)Forgiveness is important for you, doesn’t mean you forget, you learn from it and grow. It makes you feel lighter and free. Don’t hold onto anger or upset. Very very destructive to you not them.

3)The generation below us has very different views about life as some of us did towards our parents. Just
know your own boundaries, and respect theirs. If they do something that upsets you just give yourself time to process, find a solution and share with them when in a better place to do so. It’s the only way to move forward.

4)Keep lines of communication open if you can. Give them space, but never give up hope for better communication and it’s never wrong to let them know you care (occasionally).

5)Let them be, let them go and get on with your own life and doing what makes you feel good. Find other ways to fill your time and mind. Enjoy being with people that make you happy. This will lead to a much happier life for you and your loved ones. Also when/if they reach out to you, you are in a much better place to re-build and re-connect.

Wishing you all hope, happiness and a lovely weekend.

Morning everyone.

Without the opportunity to communicate there's nothing we can do is there Spring. I think that window of opportunity where it does exists, is limited to time. The longer the estrangement's in place the harder it is to build a bridge to breach the inevitable gap that's been made.

Sword of Damocles puts it very well Whiff. Never knowing if and when it will strike and you'll be cut out is a very stressful way to live, especially when children are involved.

The longer you have that relationship with your GC, the more painful it will be to lose them; something at least we and they were spared.

I only dressed our eldest GS once. Never changed his nappy or fed him and we never saw him in the bath. Apparently for us to have been present or helped with bath time would have disrupted his bed time routine.

I'm so pleased that our boys GP's spent the time with them that they did and they and our boys have those fond memories of their GP's.

A grey and rather chilly morning here not what was forecast, so I hope the forecast for the coming week is correct as I'll be a 'bowls widow' with Mr. S. taking part in a week long competition.

Going out for an Italian this evening, and Mr. S. has booked an Indian for Wednesday as it will be our 43rd wedding anniversary. 43 years!!!.

lovelycupoftea to me it's seems your son is using your daughter as a referee. Also gives him chance to just walk away and leave your daughter to either follow him or stay with you and her dad.

With my son as I said it came out of the blue and he not only sent and email to me by his sister as well. But things hadn't been right between them for years all down to my daughter in law. But my son has not only cut me and his sister out of his life but all over side of the family. I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law. I only know the 2 eldest . He dumped me 4 days after my birthday in April 2020 . He had already told me there where expecting another son in July. I have no idea when he was born or his name but I have given him one as it hurts to much to think of him without one. My grandson's are nearly 7,5 and 3 now. For 7 months after I moved closer to live nearer to them he came every week with the 2 eldest and they loved it here and being with me.

I will never apologise to my son if he decided to want back in my life I have nothing to apologise for. He is the one who needs to explain himself and his actions. Plus my daughter in law trolled me on GN on a different thread in June 2020 and that's how I found out she had been venting her spleen about me for over a year before I moved here on Reddit. But still I loved her until I read' FIL died to get away from MIL'. My thought was how could someone who loved my son he so wicked about his dad and she never knew him because he died in 2004 a year before she and my son met.

My son has hurt me for 3 years . I decided a few months ago to give him one final chance and sent him a text and got abuse back so I am done letting him hurt me. It was only the 3rd text I had sent him since August 2020 when he sent back his ,my second grandson birthday cards as they share the same day,birth presents which came back crushed up ,card the day after their birthday. With a hand written letter saying he doesn't want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near him or his family ever again. Zero contact.

I have never been vindictive or manipulative to anyone in my life. The other 2 texts where asking for his bank details in 2021 as I had sold his dad's personal number plate which he had left in his will to the children. I wasn't going to contact him but as he ignored my brother's email asking for them I got mad. I text at 4am as I knew he would be at work but gave him a deadline of 6pm if I hadn't received the details by then he lost the money. He text with them at 9.30am and put thank you which upset me the first kind word from him. But made me wonder if he meant or just wrote it without thinking.

The second time was last year as I finally had my diagnosis with what I was born with as I am disabled. My symptoms got worse when he was 6 months old ,2 months later ended up in hospital for 3 weeks due to uncontrollable pain and limb jerks. I text to tell him I was sending a letter from my neurologist also a letter from me explaining how he can get tested if he wanted to . Just said hoped everyone was well and out love mom.

Nothing not even a text saying at least you know what it is mom or glad you know. And I am supposed to be vindictive and manipulative.

But I am done being hurt by him . Yes I miss him but I miss the loving caring son I knew no idea who he is now this son I do not love as he has been cruel and cowardly. He is now 36 . I miss my grandson's very much and love all 3 of them they are just as much victims in all this as I am.

You have got to decide how long you and your husband are going to let your son hurt you and use the grandchildren over your head as a weapon. Do things my way or you don't get to see them. To me that is not the actions of a caring father to use his children like that.

He is also using the rest of the family against you and his dad. As he will cut them off if they put a foot wrong . That is cold and calculating. Not the actions of a loving caring man.

You and your husband need to talk about what you want your life to be ? Do you want to be dancing to his tune for the rest of your life ? Grandchildren being used as a weapon against you is like living with the sword of Damocles hanging over your heads are you willing to do that for the rest of your left. You have some very hard decisions to make and it's not easy. I am glad to have full estrangement I couldn't live like that .

This is how much my son doesn't care about me when he sent the email he knew I had a problem with my heart and was waiting for a bubble echo as the echo showed a problem. If he had opened his birthday card he would have found out I have a small hole in the side. Which I was born with.

Like I have said I am done . He knows where I live but if he did want to see me again he can but I will never trust him or forgive him or my daughter in law for what they have done. Any any relationship would be on my terms. I put up with a lot of crap from them both especially my daughter in law but never again. I out up with it because until 4 years ago I lived over 100 miles away. And only saw the family few times a year. But was just happy to be with them all.

Both my children where brought up the same unconditional love and attention. The worse thing about the whole affair is they know what a bad mother, mother in law and grandmother is they knew his dad's mom.

They think they are the perfect parents no such thing. I have no fear about my grandson as they are my son and daughter in law's world and have always been well looked after . But I had to bite my tongue all the things I know and saw they did wrong . But parents make the rules not grandparents we follow their rules.

Luckily I have a loving and caring daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's who I see every week. They have trusted me alone with the boys while they went out . Changed nappies,fed them and bathed them. But because of my limitations could never lift them in out the bath. It was only after my son's estrangement I realised I never did any of those things with their eldest I wasn't even allowed to be alone in the same room with them.

My health got worse when my son was 6 months old our daughter was 4. Even with the constant pain I have been in my whole life and the limb jerks starting in 1988 neither of the children got hurt by me. And thanks to my wonderful husband they had a normal childhood full of love and attention. Yes I went in my wheelchair when we went in more than one shop or on holiday . But a lot of children grow up having a disabled parent or parents. But because of my husband and dad never missed anything they did at school. They grew up with an understanding about disability my grandson's by them loved playing with nannies stick and they copied my limb jerks as they thought it was funny. My daughter's eldest did to infact he asked me few weeks ago why I don't do that anymore he's 5 now and explained I took a tablet late stopped them . Son my youngest grandson has grown up without me doing it. But even with the limb jerks my daughter and son in law trusted alone for hours with him . My daughter said you never hurt us we trust.

That's the difference between the couples . Trust ,love and caring. But it's funny my daughter in law showed me great kindnesses before and for a short while after I moved here. Then stopped. I was never invited to their house once I moved and she never came with my son and grandson's when she had a day off work.

But I am proud of both families . As they both own their own houses and got all they have with no help from me. Even their weddings they organised and paid for themselves.

After the estrangement I put away any photos I had of my son and daughter in law . But have a photo frame in my bedroom and one in the living room of my grandsons . My daughter's eldest asked me who they where so I told him their names and said they where 2 boys I know but didn't see them. He asked why and said I will explain when he is older. I didn't say they where his cousins because he knows what cousins are as he has 2 by his dad's sister. Who he see often .

I feel sad for my 3 grandson's they are growing up with only 1 nannie not granddad's . My daughter in law is estranged from her dad but he and her brother and sister live the other side of the world. The only family my grandson's have as far as they know is a nannie who lives with them . I was told it was temporary but she has been there 8 years now. So my 3 grandson's are sharing a double bedroom which makes me mad.

I live an independent life and yet I am treated like the wicked which of the west. But I am proud of the fact I am depandant on no one. I got on well with my sins mother in law but she is dependent on them . I often wonder if she feels superior or frightened to tell to put a foot wrong ?

Like I said only you and your husband can only decide what you are willing to put up with and the cost to your health and self worth you . Will you let your son use his children as weapons against you? And do not apologise you have nothing to apologise for he choose to cut you off and left you dangling and using other family members against you.

You are the parents would you put up with this behaviour when he was a child? I suspect the answer would be no . Even adult children have to be aware there are consequences to there actions. Like I said I am done I will not let my son hurt me anymore.

Here we have all had to decide the same thing and for how long . 3 years is as much I would allow. Others it's been longer.

Excuse any spelling mistakes but it's took me 2 hours to write this .

Helenwaspushed

Thank you for this clarity - for helping parents see what’s needed and important to their EC. Many of us sadly are denied the opportunity to communicate our regret and validate the feelings of our EC, but for those with some means of contact this is helpful. I’m genuinely so sorry your mom couldn’t do this for you, and only hope things might change at some point in the future, for as we all know living with estrangement is heart breaking for everyone. And reconstructing a life afterwards really tough. I wish you well, and again thanks for doing your bit to give positive input and advice to parents.

Spring20

There were many years where there was nothing I wanted more than for my mom to say something like "I messed up. I see now that it hurt you and I'm sorry. What can we do to move forward?" It's simple and makes no excuses. If she had said something like that and made any effort to improve at all, I would have been open to it. It was impossible for her to give me that conversation without deflecting blame onto me. I didn't care if she actually deep down didn't think she was in the wrong. I just wanted my feelings about it to be validated by her.

I think there's always hope where there's growth. I also think it's healthy to recognize when that isn't possible and move on. From either side of course.

Helenwaspushed - thank you for your insightful comments, especially from your different perspective. It is really helpful to hear some EC do want/hope for reconciliation and are open to giving their parents the opportunity to apologise/show they want to try and heal the relationship.

There's no need to apologise alovelycupoftea. It's not easy 'putting it all out there' even on a forum where you have anonymity.

Knowing that you and your son have had counselling, makes me think that perhaps wanting his sister present when you meet is an extension of that process, where there's a 'third party' present to maybe help him feel more comfortable.

I hope it goes well and the situation will gradually improve.
Just remember that you need to be keeping yourself safe and protected from as much stress and upset as you can.

I totally agree DL and am so relieved that we were spared the pain of a half way estrangement and/or being bounced in and out of it.

Estrangement is devastating but at least you know where you stand and when you realise that there's no going back, can begin to put your life back together again.

I'm the same Yogin and shed so many tears as did Mr. S., no wonder we felt exhausted we got back home. He did a marvellous job as pallbearer and I know S would have been proud of him and thankful that everyone who carried her in loved her.

The lady who took the service told K afterwards that she's never conducted a funeral before so many people before and although she never knew her, she could see what a lovely young lady she was to have touched so many lives and hearts.

We bought her a cap for her birthday a few months ago and K brought it round yesterday as she'd worn it, so we had something of hers to keep.

Some heartfelt post from you all xx

Glad the funeral went well Smiles

Lovely flowers Whiff

alovelycuppa Welcome. Sorry to hear your sad tale. Hold onto that slim thread to your son & GC and go to the lunch with a smile and enjoy it, maybe things will get better, sounds like your son is regretting his words to give you an invite to lunch.

Yes, it does hurt that other family members are still in your estAC & GC lives. My estD's dad left when she was 3yrs old and after that she wanted nothing to do with him, disliked him. Soon after the est. he was flavour of the month, welcomed by the husband like never before, in fact he had said that if her dad showed up at their wedding, he would knock his lights out! But he was a 'safe' family member as he lives in Indonesia.

On my GC first birthdays after the est. my sister was invited to their b/d party, that hurt me a lot. My sister phoned me to discuss it, I said there is only one reason they are inviting you. She never went and hasn't seen them since, so more than 11yrs for her. My prev. sister-in-law & mother-in-law cut out too, all the females

My DD was still in contact for 2mnths after me, that was very hard, they tried to get her to join them, but she wouldn't have any of it and when they made up lies about me, she stuck up for me and said that's not right, mum wouldn't do/say that

My son stayed in their lives for a further 6yrs but was cut out soon after he came back to live with me, before he was c.o he gave us little snippets of what they were doing, but not much.

Smiles hope all went well at your girl's funeral and that you manged to keep it together somewhat.

I dread going to funerals as I can't hold it together since this estrangement. It's like all my emotions that I've been holding back are unleased and the river of tears flood out!

I'm only on page six, so will now read the next two......

Thank you. It's such a long story, & actually I have realised that I'm not yet ready to remember it all and 'put it all out there', I'm so sorry. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented already, I really do appreciate it, and I send you all huge good wishes in your own situations, and hope that they all resolve themselves in time. It's something that none of us ever imagined would happen to us with our beloved children who we were once so close to, but it seems it can happen to the loveliest of people. My very best wishes & thanks x

It's all about control, can you cope with just being civil at family events? it's cruel What on earth can you have done to cause such a reaction. You have apologised, just don't keep doing it, I would go to the meeting as it might get be last chance. I speak from experience, it lasted for years until I had to walk away. My gc see me but I missed their childhood. I can't mention my own d, or ask what they are doing, as that would be construed as interference, so in a way it's continuing, that causes pain, so I'm not really part of their lives just about on the edge.
I hope things work out for you, as everyone makes a mistake and they know how sorry you are. If they have a heart they will.

Oh bless you, Helenwaspushed, thank you so much for commenting from the other perspective. I will always keep the door open. I will never give up on my son. I have apologised repeatedly, we have both been to see a counsellor as he wanted, in order to see where we went wrong, and I have told them how differently I would do everything given another chance. We just have to wait and hope that they give it to us. Meanwhile we try to carry on with our lives as best we can, and we are very lucky to have lots of family & friends around us.

alovelycupofteaa

I wasn't going to comment but I've felt compelled to all day. Keep in mind I am the estranger in my circumstances. I am no contact with almost all of my family. But I really feel for you and I wanted to give my support as well.

I can't speak to the troubles you're having with other family members and I won't try to because my experience is so different.

Here's what I can say. You've apologized, which is good. It sounds like you done so repeatedly. I don't think you need to keep apologizing for it, and I hope you don't. I would listen to anything that he feels wasn't addressed, but you don't need to apologize for the same things repeatedly.

In my own experience, while the door was open it was open. If I was still talking or communicating in any way, then I was open to moving forward. I would not go no contact unless I was sure, and I wouldn't have done it had my mother given me any sort of apology and attempt to change. To me, it makes sense to give the meeting a try, even if the "chaperone" situation is a little weird. Maybe that's what he needs to feel "safe". And if he feels safe the lines of communication will be easier to reopen. I think him wanting a chaperone is more about his internal struggle than it is about his safety with you personally.

However, please protect yourself too. Pay attention to how you feel. Even though you want a relationship with your children, you don't deserve to feel awful about that relationship. If they are independent adults and the relationship is unhealthy for you, then you have take care of yourself. Both parties have to come to the table and you have over and over.

I wish you well alovelycupoftea. In these circumstances I would go because it may be a last opportunity to salvage any relationship. I’d be careful to not rise to any unpleasantness. With your daughter there she can observe and give a truthful perspective. It will then be up to you to decide if this is the kind of relationship you feel you can/want to sustain, but tbh I’d love the chance to see our EC once more.

No, there is a large amount of control going on, definitely. I guess we'll just see how everything goes next weekend & whether anything else is suggested. Self-preservation is definitely something we need to think about.

I do understand that you want to see your GC alovelycupoftea but from what you've said, I do find this rather concerning.

Whatever's happened between you and your son and his wife, should be sorted out by all of you. Bringing his sister in to act as chaperone is unfair on you and her.

If they don't want to see you on your own, do you see any realistic future in this relationship? The fact that you're worried about saying anything in case he gets angry, together with him having cancelled the last 4 previous arranged meetings I'm sorry to say, comes across to me as very controlling and not how a relationship between a parent and AC should be.

They either want you to be a part of their and their children's lives or they don't and if they do, the feelings of you and them should be given due consideration.

This certainly doesn't seem to be the case as far as your son and d.i.l. are concerned, and only you know if their desire to exert control to the extent they are is something you can deal with long term.

There's also the GC to think about. Seeing or not seeing their GP's on the whim of their parents, with potentially long gaps in between, may not be good for them and certainly wont be good for you.

Thank you everyone - you're all very kind xx

alovelycupofteaa

Yes, we're going with our daughter as 'chaperone' as they don't want to see us on our own. We have thought about asking him, but we don't want him to get angry & rescind the invitation, as the last 4 occasions have been cancelled, and we haven't seen our granddaughters since last November, so we are desperate to see them & remind them who we are, & that we love them.

Sorry - posted before you commented. Goodness, this sounds a bit of a drama.

Go if you makes you happy, and means you can see your GCs, but don't expect a lot. 🙂

alovelycupoftea....it's not clear what caused the problems are here, but if you've apologised, then I'd leave it at that.

All I would say, from my stepchildren's behaviour, with my late DH, is that halfway/bouncing estrangements can cause a huge amount of stress. I used to wish that they'd just cut us off totally. I seriously cannot deal with adults sulking around.

Sometimes, other relatives do still keep in touch - I'd just ask those relatives not to tell you anything. Not to mention any of it.

I'm sure what this lunch invitation is - if it's your son and DIL inviting you, and your daughter to lunch, then go if you want to go, and not if you don't, then go, with an open mind.

Do what makes you happy, and meantime, get on with your life - no one should hinge all their happiness on what adult children are doing.

Best wishes and welcome to this thread 💐