Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Yes, we're going with our daughter as 'chaperone' as they don't want to see us on our own. We have thought about asking him, but we don't want him to get angry & rescind the invitation, as the last 4 occasions have been cancelled, and we haven't seen our granddaughters since last November, so we are desperate to see them & remind them who we are, & that we love them.

Whiff - my two never cease to leave me bemused. As kids they couldn't share the same space without fighting.🙄

As adults, my son lives 4000 miles away - they still don't really understand each other, but when one is stressed/unhappy, the other one comes flying to their side. I let them get on with it now, and refuse to get dragged into any moaning lol🙄

Smileless - glad it all went ok. These things are never easy.💐

I don't think it's possible not to be upset TBH alovelycupoftea.

You don't want or expect other family members to lose contact but that doesn't mean that you wont find it hurtful when they stay in touch.

Our ES's eldest brother stays in touch but he's the only family member now my m.i.l.'s died that does so. I know this is different because you asked your sister when she was told about the pregnancy, but the problem my H had with his mum, and we both had with our son was being told what out ES and only GC were doing, when they'd last spoken etc. and we didn't want to know.

It did stop in the end but when it was going on it was like having the proverbial knife twisted.

So you've been invited by your son and his wife for lunch, with your daughter is that correct? This doesn't sound like the civilised, low contact where you only meet up at family gatherings that he's previously said he wants. I wonder what's actually going on here.

In your shoes, I would tell him by text that in light of what he's already said about his aim, you don't know how to view the invitation, that you're willing to go but need some clarification.

This could be blowing hot and cold which if it is, is not only grossly unfair but unacceptable IMO.

Maybe you should go easy on yourself and stop trying to be so selfless and understanding. I'm not suggesting you say anything directly apart from, if you think it will make life a little easier, telling them not to pass on information about when they've seen or spoken to your son or anything about what he and his family are doing.

That's probably the best way of protecting yourself. There's something to be said for the old adage that 'what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over' .

Spring20 - thank you, this is what I am so worried about, as I don’t want to lose the relationship with my sister.

Oh, Whiff (sorry, I don’t know how to tag people), please don’t worry about responding if you are struggling with your hands 🩷

Alovelycupoftea - I’m not sure there is an answer. Like you I tried to be gracious but it hurt so very much to know certain other family members were seeing our EC. The outcome is that it has affected our relationship with them….it has cooled, and I’ve had to accept that too. Estrangement has so many ripples….it infects multiple relationships. I hope you are made of stronger stuff than me and can cope, but in the end we just have to do what is needed in order for us to continue to function. I think it was the lack of trust and transparency that got to me most….knowing things were being kept from me. I don’t blame the key relative. I’m sure they thought they were doing the right thing, and maybe they were. But of course it impacted our relationship.

alovelycupofftea welcome the this thread like Smiles it was a complete estrangement with my son . Didn't see it coming . Didn't want to ignore your post but am very tired so will respond to you better tomorrow. As tiredness makes my hands tremble more and kept hitting the wring letters.
But you are not alone don't take the blame for what your son has done. He choose to do what he has not you or your husband. He is trying to make out he is the victim and drive a wedge between you and the rest of your family. When he is the villain in this soap opera his has created.
Back tomorrow but stay with this thread.

I think my main question is probably this...how do you not get upset by close family members carrying on with them as if they are not breaking his parents' hearts? I am trying so hard to be selfless & understand that they want to keep their relationship with him too, but I really struggle with it, as does my husband. How can we process/deal with that?

Thank you very much Smileless, for that lovely welcome & kind words. My sister told me that she had known for 6 weeks (I asked her if she already knew), as she went for lunch with them and noticed that my d-i-l wasn't drinking. I have tried to explain how I feel about it but she, understandably, is torn and didn't want to break his confidence when he told her not to. There won't be that many events as they have moved over two hours away, but it is so confusing for us, as in the same conversation they invited us for lunch with my daughter too, & we really don't know how to view the invitation.

Hello alovelywarmcupoftea and a very warm welcome to this support thread.

Being estranged and having had no experience of very low contact, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Knowing that other family members had known about your d.i.l's pregnancy 6 weeks before you were told is understandably upsetting. Who told you that others were told the news before you were? If it was one of your family, I suggest that you ask in future to keep information of that nature to themselves. There was no need for you to be told something you didn't need too.

You can explain how hurtful this has been and that you want to avoid it in the future.

So, your son wishes you to reach the point where you can be civil with one another at family events. You need to think about how you feel about this and how realistic this will be for you. Are there likely to be many family events/get together's where you'll get to see them and your GC?

Your son has told you that thing will never go back to the way they were so it does sound as if this very low contact wont change so this is what you need to come to terms with as best you can.

It takes time to try and process estrangement, very low contact or low contact. Being in a position like this with your own child is the stuff of nightmares.

My advice is to speak to the family member who told you others had known about the pregnancy before you. You've sent messages of congratulations and I would not make further contact unless your son contacts you.

Resist the understandably overwhelming temptation to ask about your son and his family from those who are in regular contact; wait to here from him.

Someone posted the other day about our reluctant acceptance when we're estranged which also applies to anyone faced with low contact.

There's nothing we can do but accept our AC's choices and do what we can to look after ourselves .

Hello everyone. I have avoided joining this thread for ages because I didn't really want to admit that it had happened to me, & I really didn't want to 'air my dirty linen in public' but now I am struggling to cope with it and I could really do with some help & advice. My adult son has been very low contact with us since January 2020, for reasons which were probably mostly my fault, although a lot of people tell me otherwise. We have two granddaughters, the youngest of whom, at 16 months, we have only met twice. I have tried over and over again to apologise, to make amends and to make things right, but last month we were told that things will never go back to the way they were and that their aim is just to get to a point where we can be civil if we see each other at family events, and nothing more. Other members of the family have continued to see him & his family, partly to try & help us reconnect, & partly so that they don't lose their relationship with him too. We find this really difficult to deal with, but try to understand why they do it. Yesterday our son texted to say that our daughter-in-law is pregnant again, which is lovely news for them, and we both sent messages of congratulations. We then heard that the family members had known for 6 weeks or so, and had been asked not to say anything, so hadn't told us. I am trying to be OK with this, as I really don't want to lose a relationship with anyone else, but it is really, really painful to know this. Can anyone help me with some advice/experience to help me process this, please, so that I can try to deal with it better? Thank you very much.

Smiles it shows how much she was loved and touched so many people's lives. Also shows all the love and support they where giving K by being their. Funerals are always exhausting especially if you loved the person who died and who is left behind.

It's so sad when a parent outlives their child or children. But unfortunately it happens all to often. And you only have to see in the early days of Covid how many young children and people died. To out live a child is a pain no parent will ever recover from if they truly love them.

Unfortunately my mother in law just erased my husband from her life and our children. She told people she had no son or grandchildren in front of me. I had to put them right. The wicked thing about it she knew what she was doing as she hadn't got the excuse of dementia as she was of sound mind until the day she died.

Funerals aren't the end just a goodbye as many here know there is all the legal stuff to deal with while coping with the grief. A grief that never ends .

K is a very courageous young woman to have been able to read the poem. I knew I couldn't have read the poem I wanted at my husband's funeral and it was the sort that only I could have read or it wouldn't have made sense. But after the children went out with their friends on the day as I wanted. I did read it out loud in the house .

All the firsts like birthdays , Christmas etc are hard but in my case they still are . I have just learned to cope . But I have been widowed a long time.

Nice to see eddiecat and Dotcom posting.

Spring glad you enjoyed Christmas away are you planning on doing the same this year?

DiamondLily my two are like that . But they didn't see eachother unless I was with them even though for years live within 40 mins of eachother. My daughter and daughter in-law never got on from the first time they met. But my daughter never said an unkind word about her where as my daughter in law always made snide remarks about my daughter when I was with them . But ignored them as I didn't see them that often before I moved here. Just happy to be with them.

Hindsight is a great thing looking back all the signs where there my daughter in law was jealous of what my daughter had. But they all worked it was just my daughter and son in law had better paid jobs. But it was like that with my brother's second wife they lived in a council house and we had our own. Thankfully they divorced and my brother found the other half of himself and I love my sister in law very much. Her dad has become a second dad for me. Sounds weird but we get on so well and he treats me like a daughter.

Funny how life turns out. Hopefully the bus will turn up this week . But it made me realise my daughter is right as much as I would love to go to Ireland for a holiday there is no way I could travel that far. So will have a holiday in this country next year fancy the east coast bern looking at Durham the train goes directly from the city no changes. Will decide in January and get it booked.

September is starting to fill up with things I am doing. Since moving here my life has never been so busy. Like others here moving completely changed my life for the better. The estrangement is just a blip. The rest of my life is full.

Take care of yourselves.

Morning everyone.

Yesterday was as difficult at it was moving. There were a lot of people outside where she used to work when we drove past. When we got to the crematorium, there were a lot of people standing outside and the foyer was full too because there was no more room inside.

Testament to the beautiful person she was who touched so many lives, and it made us realise how blessed we were to have known her as well as we did.

We were so tired that we both fell asleep in front of the tv about 9.00 pm, woke up at 10.00 and then went straight to bed. K was amazing and read a poem 'My Angel', I don't know how she managed it, breaking down right at the end.

Just seeing the look on her dad's face broke my heart. No parent should have to attend their child's funeral and her poor mum.

We've lost so much, and they've lost so much more.

Oh they're lovely flowers.

And, lovely that she thought to send them.🙂

It's funny how we can have two children, rear them the same, and they turn out differently.

I get on fine with both of mine, but they are "chalk and cheese", both in looks and temperament.😉

They are lovely Whiff, you bought her and her brother up the same with your values, one appreciates and loves you, who knows why one gets it into their head to cut you out of their lives.

Beautiful flowers….and beautiful thought Whiff.

My daughter has me in tears send me these with a congratulations card. Must have done something right one child treats my like crap and the other gives me that much love my heart could burst.

DL do what’s best for you. It is just one day, but special one as we all remember what we do Christmas Day whether religious or not as it’s a day we hope to spend with those we love the most. That song Travelling Home For Christmas sums it up for me, it’s when I miss my d the most and my husband, who died over the Christmas festivities. It’s a way off yet though.
Smileless, hope you are ok, it’s so hard I know and my thoughts are with you. It’s a tragedy dying so young.

Hope the funeral went ok, Smileless.

Spring20 - yes, I would like to just basically ignore Xmas day this year. I'm not into religion, so that has no meaning for me.

I would have been happy, just watching boxed sets and trying to ignore it. I would have gone to DDs on Boxing Day, and done a buffet.

But, they are hellbent on me going there, as are the GCs.

They have been so lovely since DH died that I feel guilty, so I've just said I'll decide nearer the time, coward that I am.

Jeez, I'll be glad when January arrives.🙄

Great news Whiff! So pleased you were properly heard. Thinking of you today Smiles. Am sure it won’t be easy.
We went away last Christmas by ourselves…..and loved it! Kept it v simple and relished no pressure. Didn’t want non EC to feel responsible for us every year. It’s such an emotive day though isn’t it, esp in our circumstances. Do what works for you….and remember it’s one day!

What a lovely thing to say Dotcom thank you.

I can understand when you say the memories will crash in on you DL. You've lost your DH, we've lost a dear friend and if not for friends coming to us for Christmas, I couldn't be here which is why we were going to go to our lodge.

Whatever you need is what you must do .

Whiff Well, I see where she's coming from - from her childhood, we have always had a great Xmas. We all have a sense of fun, and, Christmas, with its naff decorations, karaoke, and silly games allowed that free rein.

I have photos I can't even look at.

DH always said that my family had shown him the joy of Christmas. His family Christmas's sound very dour and dull.

That was lovely - but the memories will crash in on me. Going to the same house, and trying to be "normal". I'd hate to go feeling miserable - that's not fair on them.
I can't even eat more than a spoonful or two of food.

My mind won't go that way, of normal, at the moment. It's the first Christmas - probably the worst.

But, I have just said I'll have a think - I might feel better by then.

Either way, I won't be putting up decorations this year - we bought them all together, and I don't want to look at them.

Smiles you will be fine by the time comes because you and Mr S will want to be brave for K. Until you are at the funeral then you can let the tears flow again.

DiamondLily neither of my children let me have Christmas on my own. My son only came the first Christmas but after that always there for new year. My daughter came every year until they brought their first house. Only exchanged 6 weeks before Christmas. So only spent the on Christmas on my own but had been widowed for a number of years by them. My brother invited me to theirs but said no. My daughter informed after that Christmas they had painted my room green. So always went to stay with them and took it in turns who I had Christmas and boxing day with. Until Christmas 2019 when I should have gone to my son's but he said he would be to tired which I knew was a lie but just let it go. I had moved here in the August that year and was never invited to their house. My daughter when mad and had me their with them. Was going to my son's on boxing day but he said they would come here and bring all the food to cook. My daughter in law spent the day crocheting and only answered if I asked a question. Should have know something was up but hindsight is a wonderful thing. That was the last time I spent with them all together.

My son still came every week with his 2 eldest . Last saw my grandsons in person 14th March and Covid hit. The rest is history.

Since then my daughter always has me there. My son in laws parents alternate between him and his sister. It's their turn for Christmas at theirs so I will get to see and spend the day with them. Always got on well with them, as I did with my son's mother in law.

They won't want you to spend Christmas on your own . My daughter or son in law picks me up about 11.30 then home by 7 .

Since my husband died still always have my tree up and other dec's out. Christmas was his favourite time of the year. Last year was the first year my daughter's youngest could put things on the tree. She started a tradition she takes a photo of the boys sitting on the armchair by the tree as the youngest was only a month old his first Christmas. Her oldest always puts the angel on the tree but it's the last thing to go on.

Home bargains have Christmas and Halloween things next to eachother bit early.

Smileless you’ve given me and others like me so much in keeping this thread going all these years and am grateful.
Today it’s you and Mr Smiles who are in our thoughts.
Your strength has kept me going and now I’d like to return some of the strength to you both.🌹

Look after yourself Smileless.
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