Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Well said Whiff and fair comments, your posts are always welcome and have helped many 🌻

Morning everyone.

This discussion about ashes has got me wondering about what happened to my step dad's. They're probably at my mum's where my brother's living because as far as I know, she never did anything with them.

Mr. S. and I scattered mum's in the garden of the crematorium, well it was a staff member who did it because I was worried about making a mess of it. He asked if I wanted anything in particular and I said a cross, which he did beautifully.

Yes it's our water pipes we have a problem with Whiff so it could be worse. You wouldn't believe how noisy they are, it feels as if the entire house is shaking and unless they get a cancellation, they can't come until 6th of March to sort it out.

I hope your meeting with your son goes better than yesterday's 'phone call Ladysu. His words are hurting you and as a result are causing you harm. When you get upset, he can see that he's hurting you so for me, to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Just telling a future GM whose GS is due in a matter of weeks that she'll never see him, is hurtful especially when it's said time and time again.

This thread, just like all the threads on GN expresses the posters personal opinions. There are no expressions of hate here from those of us who post regularly, this thread continues to do what it's done for 11 years. We offer friendship, advice and support to those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Advice doesn't have to be acted upon and whether or not it is, the friendship and support is here regardless.

Well that was no surprise that the poster who had a go at me got my post deleted but glad Ladysusiei got to read it before I was reported.

Why is it when I defend myself from attack I am the one deleted and the person attacking is bulletproof?

Being attacked again by the above poster. Funny who comes out of the woodwork to cause trouble.

Some of us on this thread are grieving for husbands / partner ,children and other family members who have died. Plus the added grief of being estranged from a child or children and grandchildren.

Would ask the 2 posters attacking me are you grieving for a loved one and are you estranged from adult child or children and grandchildren?

By the way I have emailed GNHQ about my post being deleted . I know why it was because I had the balls to name the person who attacked me by lacking any backbone didn't put my name to her first sentence which was out of my post to Ladysusiei.

By the way you 2 new posters you have no idea what sort of relationship I have with posters on this or any of the threads I am on. As I consider a lot as friends and keep in touch other ways besides open posts.

Smiles ,Yogin ,Allsorts and other long term posters here helped me which my son dumped me via email in 2020 4 days after having a lovely time with him on my birthday. Covid rules in place so we had to sit apart and in the garden he said he would put down paving to make it safer for me . I said he had enough to do plus they where expecting their 3rd son in July. I would get some on to do it eventually.

If it wasn't for the help , advice, understanding and most important of all friendship here I wouldn't be as I am. I never failed my son or daughter in law. I had a kind loving and caring son for 32 years no idea who he is now. He not only dumped me but all over side of the family

I was born disabled but it didn't stop me being a hands on mom . And after my husband died 20 years ago aged 47 I had both parents and mother in law to look after until they died.

So all those who want to attack me carry on you do not know me .

And I speak from experience on the different threads I am on. I would never talk about anything I hadn't experienced first hand.

Ladysuisei I sincerely hope you don't buy into any comments that depict your son as wanting to cause you harm. They will only confuse you further and cause even more damage to your relationship with him. Honestly there are some people on this site who seem so full of hate themselves that they only see hate in others, and who want nothing more than to comfort their own bitter selves with the knowledge that they are not the only ones who've estranged their children.

Take a huge step back from the advice of people who tell you your son is enjoying treating you badly.

And take a good long look in the mirror and stop shying away from the truth of this situation. You know what you have to do. With the exception of a couple of people who don't have your best interests at heart, everyone on this site is telling you what you must do if you want to save your relationship with your son and DIL and ever see your grandson.

@whiff
Well said my lovely

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

"Your son is torturing you every time he sees you and is enjoying it."

What a God awful, hateful thing to say about someone you have never so much as laid eyes on. What positive could possibly come of telling a mother you have never met such a thing about her child that you have never met? How on Earth could you possibly be in his head to know he is enjoying "torturing" his mother? When did you speak with him for him to share this information with you? What a toxic, toxic thing to say. The Ladysu is far from innocent in her conflict with her child, by her own admission. This is mean-spirited and divisive. Why would anyone that had a shred of kindness or love in them say something like that? How could that statement help this woman improve her relationship with her son? She is not estranged, but it seems some would like her to be. Ladysu, when people tell you things that ONLY put you at odds with your child, throw the whole advice out the window. Don't let strangers who have never met your child plant hateful seeds in your heart about him. You are both misstepping, but you love each other. Don't listen to anyone who tells you anything to the contrary. This will only drive you and your child further apart. The goal is peace between you and your son. Don't let bad advice from internet strangers have a negative influence on your interactions with him.

That statement says more about the individual who made it than it does your son. I now understand...

@diamondLily I meant to add I’m so sorry your husband died unexpectedly too . My partner was literally gone in seconds so the shock is still with me . I can imagine how you must be feeling too .

This is why I’m so disappointed in my son’s behaviour towards me - he has made zero allowances for anything. Shock has a profound effect on a person and he’s completely overlooked this . xxx

@Whiff and @DiamondLily thank you for giving me perspective. The only reason why me and my DP didn’t specify wishes re our ashes was that I hadn’t updated my will . We were getting married this year and this would have superseded my existing one . We would have sorted it then . Who knew he’d suddenly die as he did. You are right it’s my business and not my sons . In fact I think we’d have chosen to mix our ashes and then be interred together. AS doesn’t know this and I’m not going to tell him . As you say none of his business. Whiff you are right in what you say about my AS . He is being absolutely awful towards me . I realise he is stressed with the baby coming soon , but he’s again reiterated that I can’t see the child . No concrete reason, other than “ I’m his father and I decide. The decision is final “ . This makes no sense to me . I’ve never been a danger to a child and my son had the best upbringing I could give him . Can’t do better than that. In fact age 10 , I got him away from an abusive father . His dad used to hit me , but then after a while started getting aggressive to my son as well. I left my home and got my son safely away . He doesn’t realise this . Ironically the abusive father will have a relationship with the child . It is terrible that we have to protect ourselves against our children, emotionally and in my case I have all the verbal abuse currently going on . I only hope this stops when the child is here , otherwise I’ll need to decide whether or not I want my son in my life . That will be hard xxx

I think part of the trouble is that most younger people never think of spousal bereavement - they think it will never happen.

No reason why they would, I suppose.

I think losing a DH can catch many of us unawares - if it’s unexpected.

When DH went in hospital, and they diagnosed him with Covid and Pneumonia, l literally shrugged it off as being a short term issue.

He’d been fully vaccinated, so no worries.

But, it didn’t pan out that way.🙁

But, I have been lucky with my kids and others. 🙂

Ladysusiei my husband died 20 years ago. You don't have to do anything with your partner's ashes until you are ready . If it takes it years then keep them. You are not disrespecting your partner by not interring you are still deep in grief. And your sons attitude makes your grief worse. If you want your ashes interred together or sprinkle by a trusted family member then keep them until you die to.

I am usually logical about things but if I sprinkle my husband's ashes now I know I would unravel and be scooping them back up.

We all have to do things in our own time to beable to cope. We are grieving for not only our husbands and partners but as said before estrangement is a living grief . You are fearing what is to come which is making how you feel worse.

It's your son who is being disrespectful to you and all your family. They see how much he is hurting you and it hurts them in return. And imagine they don't know how to help you apart from loving you and being there for you and giving you a hug when you need it and being told you are loved.

When my son dumped me I didn't know it was called estrangement as it's a term I had never heard before.

Your son is torturing you every time he sees you and in his enjoying how much he is hurting you . That's not love . And love needs to be 2 sided not one .

Take care of yourself and you need to protect yourself against your son. It's an awful thought but we have to protect ourselves against our children.

My husband’s ashes are in a top box, and there they will remain, untouched, until I shuffle off of this mortal coil.

At that point DD, SIL, and grandchildren, will scatter us together. It was his wish and mine. He even put it into his Will, as a statement of wishes attached.

No one else’s business.

Whiff lost her husband some years ago. She made her decision, and we all have to go with what feels right.

We all know our own DH/DP better than anyone else, and it’s best to go with that.

@whiff - haha no I’ve no idea why I start new posts . I thought that’s what you did if you want a question answered! You’re right it’s always the usual suspects being nasty . I will ask in here if I want an opinion? I did read through your entire post and I’m pleased that you are quite laid back with your husband’s ashes considering I’ve been told I’m disrespecting my partner for not interring them yet . I will do this when the weather improves and I feel a bit better . I’m not up to it yet , still . I can’t accept the situation see .
Yes I don’t know how much longer to put up with this unreasonable behaviour by my son . I feel like showing him the door but then there might be no going back ? This scares me . Also , he does for some reason want to continue seeing me xxx

Good afternoon. Hope everyone is well.

Quiet day in today, doing the boring chores, although people keep calling in and phoning…aargh!

I’m out tomorrow afternoon for dinner with DD and SIL - they got back yesterday after their break, and called in to make sure all was ok.

Mild and cloudy down here in London, but it does feel as though Spring won’t be far away - some snowdrops are coming out locally.👍

It’s felt like a long and dreary winter, so I’ll be glad when I can chill in the garden.

Hope everyone has a nice day x

Smiles what a lovely valentine surprise from Mr S must be a romantic at heart. We didn't bother with valentine's after we got married. But my husband did buy me flowers every now and then. I used to joke if he brought me flowers regularly then I would know he was having an affair 😂. Through our son he arranged a bouquet to be delivered in the November before he died. I keep the card he wrote until I moved but decided to put in the recycling along with sympathy cards and letters.

DiamondLily it's still very early days for you. I only sorted my husband's clothes out 8 months after he died and my daughter helped me pack them for the charity shop. Few years after did sort out the filing cabinet of his work stuff. But it wasn't until I was decluttering ready for moving I found his hospital file that was hard as I couldn't stop myself reading it.

A year after my husband died with the children we decided to clear the garage and loft. My husband like yours was a hoarder he even kept the original toilet from when we moved in 1985. Why I have no idea. Bits of pipe and wood. Had 3 skips and bags of stuff for the charity. It was only when I was moving and my son got everything out of the loft I didn't realise I held on to so much. Boxes when to the charity shop unopened if I hadn't needed in all those years I didn't need it now.

Smiles that was rude of that man walking in to your singing lesson especially as it was a new piece you where learning. I hope it doesn't happen again.

Yogin I hope it stays dry for a while as walking Joey must be miserable in the rain. Can't remember if you said new people had moved into your neighbours after his estate was settled?

The theatre was lovely it's a good job my daughter took me otherwise I would have gone to the wrong one. Youngest grandson sat staring at the production while his brother joined in. Didn't realise actors who do children's theatre are so over the top with their movements and voices. But it was good and the scenery changes where impressive. Went to a Costa afterwards my daughter let me pay for a change as I told her I had had the cost of living payment.

Talked to my brother yesterday he has his hip replacement of the old socket but on the 18th March it's takes longer than if they take out your own hip . He's been making plenty of dishes to go in the freezer as my sister in law is limited to what her body lets her do and my brother is a better cook than her dad .

Last week he had the fun raiser he has in Wales every year since a friend who did the Dragon run died of motion neuron disease . He used to give the money raised the the charity but a few years ago the CEO had a pay rise of £46,000 so each year gives it to a different charity this year they raised £1,800 and gave it to Diabetes in Wales. He's lost over 7st in 18 months ready for his operation he will be just under 14st when he has it as he knows he will put on once it's done. But decided he was to stay 14st 7lb. He's in the swimming pool at 6.30 5 mornings a week..

Ladysusiei sorry things aren't getting any better between you and your son. Think you have some hard decisions to make if you will put up with this behaviour before your grandchildren is even born . As I can see things only getting worse and hurting not just you but the rest of your family. This isn't meant to be rude but why do you keep starting new threads ? As reading them they are all similar and getting helpful advise from the same people and being hurt by the usual suspects.

Ramble over.

Will have to go through this page at a time. Smiles when you said about air in your pipes my first thought never have problem getting rid of that as I live alone so can fart as much as I want 😂. Then realised you meant water pipes 🤦🤭. Hopefully it will get sorted soon. Since Homeserve started years ago we took it out and have kept it up since my husband died. It covers my heating and plumbing and over the years it's saved me money. In my old house the stop cock broke in my kitchen and flood the kitchen and soaked into the wall through to my living room. Took the plumber hours to repair . Of course this happened years after my husband died and I couldn't turn the water off outside. Not long after I moved here the sewer pipe broke under my drive. Dread to think how much that would have cost to have repaired. But it was all cover with the policy. They had to have a sewage tanker to come and as one of the men said to clean out the gunk. 4 men worked all day and put my drive back to rights it's only concrete so was an easy fix. Having Homeserve just gives me peace of mind and all the plumbers or heating engineers who I have over the years have all been lovely.

Hope yours is sorted out soon.

The mention of ashes and what to do with them . My husband's have been in my wardrobe for 20 years apart from when I moved here and they came in my daughter's car as I didn't trust the removers not to loose them . I did ask her first if it was ok she said if course they need to be kept safe. I know it's not him but I haven't beable to part with them. It's not logical but it would be like throwing him away. Both the children said the same thing you don't have to worry will sprinkle you together. Well it will be just my daughter and son in law . As my son will never know when I die.

Kept my dad's ashes for 10 years and my brother and me sprinkled them along the river Severn by the hut mom and dad used to like sitting in for a picnic. Just had a thought I may have already said this oh well that's me I repeat myself in real life. Mind you my dad did say I was to sprinkle his ashes over the Himalayan's hanging out the back of a plane I did tell him where to stick his ashes he said that would be impossible as he wouldn't have a body. Joker to the end my dad.

It's always the grandchildren who miss out with estrangement. Our children think they are the perfect parents they aren't they are far from it. That's why I decided I am done with my son last year as I was the only one hurting . I will always love him and my grandsons even the one I have never met or know his name or date of birth. But the son I love is the loving caring son I had for 32 years no idea who he is now. If he ever wants back in my life it will be on my terms . But it wouldn't happen so come to terms with that and am happy with my decision. I will not life my life with what ifs .

Moving here I live my life to the full yes I lost my son and grandsons which is ironic as both my son and daughter wanted to live closer to.them for years. Seems 40 mins from my son is to close for him and my daughter in law. Funny enough my daughter and family moved closer to me 3 years only by 5 mins but she said it means they can get to me quicker in an emergency. Which since my diagnosis for my HPX and PAF and being on treatment for both hasn't been needed. No mad dashes to A&E for her. My son took me a couple of times but it was mainly my daughter.

Moving has given me the life I wanted since my husband died but couldn't until both parents and mother in law died. I was brought up with a strong sense of family and because of my mom my brother and me where brought up knowing all great aunts and uncles and 2nd cousins. Because of my mom dad found the love and knowing what a real family was like so we knew my dad's brother and half siblings . Dad was the oldest of 7 mom oldest of 5. My extended family gave my husband the family he never had . He never liked his parents but loved them even though they where vile. He never gave up on them . But after he died his mother denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren even though they always kept in touch with her. She refused to go too their weddings.

Because of my upbringing I couldn't abandon my parents or my mother in law who I hated for 40 years. They needed me even though my health suffered for it. But we all have a moral code we live by. Will have to go battery about to die. But I will be back. 😁

Been mild and bright here in sunny London…long may it last! 👍

Afternoon everyone, hope you're all OK.

Can't believe how mild it is today. The weather really is odd isn't it and we're more grateful that we've no rain than not needing to put any heating on although that's not a bad thing either.

Smileless2012

Well I know it's not the the same DL but 'Happy Valentines Day' x .

Thank you lol 😉

Well I know it's not the the same DL but 'Happy Valentines Day' x .

No, it’s not easy, but I need to reorganise so I’m only hanging onto certain stuff.

Disposing of some things is painful, but I acknowledge that when I shuffle off this mortal coil, my poor DD will be left with the clearing up….I'm just trying to get rid of some of the clutter.

Funny old day for me - I realised, this morning, that this was the first year, since 1971 (God lol), that I haven’t received a valentines card and flowers…two boyfriends/husbands always did it.😗

My DH has gone, and as much as I’m now friends with my ex, I didn’t really expect him to send anything lol 😉

DD and SIL have gone off to a luxury break - it’s their 27th wedding anniversary on Valentines Day, so I booked them a break as one of their Christmas presents.

Anyways, on with my decluttering…carry on singing! 🎵 🎶 🎤

Morning everyone.

I'll think about having a word Yogin. He's a retired judge apparently so really should know better. Like I said, it's a new operatic piece and the ending wasn't good, so maybe that will have put him off .

Had a lovely surprise yesterday when Mr. S. came in with a beautiful boxed floral display and card for Valentine's day. We don't usually do anything now, and haven't for a few years. He'd asked at the weekend if I wanted to go out for a meal but I said no, we'll have a romantic meal for 2 of spaghetti bolognese
.

Can't be easy tackling the de cluttering DL due to the circumstances .

Smiles ask your teacher to tell the next student in, to wait till you've finished before entering the room. I always tell my students to wait till the previous class has come out before we can go in, it's just manners.

Smileless2012

It's always a shame when children get caught in the middle and lose one half of their family as a result isn't it DL.

Had a good singing lesson this morning. Sometimes a man's lesson follows mine and he always just walks in before mine has finished, and plonks himself down. I never do that, if mine isn't the first lesson of the day, although it usually us, I always wait for the student to stop singing before I go in.

Not everyone feels comfortable singing in front of others, and starting at 9.00 am isn't the best time of day, especially in the winter. It doesn't usually bother me but today I started learning a new operatic piece, the end of which needs some work so let's just say 'it aint that pretty'.

When only the orchestra was playing before I sung again, I did look at him and say 'this next bit isn't very good'. He was very complimentary as he has been in the past, I just wish he wouldn't do it.

Well, my singing could, and has lol, cleared a room, so I’ve never had that. 😉

But, no, it seems ill mannered. He should wait until your lesson is over.

I’ve been ploughing on with de-cluttering….I loved DH dearly, but he was something of a hoarder. 😳

I need to try and clear the decks a bit, so that I know where things are and I can get organised.

I’m getting there, but it’s a long and tedious job.

It’s pouring with rain here, so today seemed a good idea to stay in and get on with it.

I’ll be so glad when the sunny and warm weather arrives, and I can chill in the garden. 🙂

@DiamondLily
Yes I would hope that once the baby arrives my son and wife do have more to think about than silly arguments because this is what’s going on . Yes smiling and gazing sounds good to me !
I have tried to point out that my AS will be causing a whole family rift for the sake of his pride - he doesn’t get this . A blameless child will not know half his family and one day he will want to know why . That much is obvious