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entire family estrangement

(12 Posts)
rmckillip74 Mon 31-Jul-23 07:36:40

Since my sister passed away in September 2022, the remaining members of my family do not speak to me. I have tried reaching out and I get little or no response or anger. My last conversation with my youngest sister consist of her telling me I cannot keep going on being upset that my sister died. She says I just keep repeating myself and nothing she says matters and I am to stop texting her and talking to her about Dad. She said I have proven to the family they are not a priority. However, I was the one who cared for my sister who was home on hospice 24/7. I would say I made her my priority then just after her services everyone stopped contacting me. My little sister tells me that I need some guidance. My little sister and I are 22 years apart. The real problem is our father left me when I was 17 for her mother and was an alcoholic when I was young growing up with my older sister. My little sister is quite spoiled and disrespectful not only to me, her parents, and grandparents. She gets married next weekend and I feel I need to go but honestly I do not feel I will be welcome at this event. Or I am afraid I will be verbally assaulted by what my little sister is saying the family is not talking to me for reasons I was unaware of. I just do not seem to understand how I can be blamed for not being involved with a family who does not keep me informed or call to invite me to their affairs. It is just really confusing. Maybe gaslighting. My Dad has called me the unwanted child many many times throughout my life. Could he be shoving me out of his life now my older sister is gone and now he can have his perfect family with him the new wife and my little sister. It seems that is what he always wanted. He never included me and my older sister in their family affairs at holidays and such throughout the years.

notnecessarilywiser Mon 31-Jul-23 07:55:52

That's a sad state of affairs. I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds as though there's quite a mis-match between your perception of "family" and theirs. You consider them all to be part of your family, whereas they see your father's second family as the defining unit. Your father's second wife can be excused this view to a certain extent, less so her daughter. Your father is failing you, but it seems this has been the case throughout your life.

You can't change their behaviour, but if you can resign yourself to the situation whilst maintaining a degree of contact (attending the wedding with a smile on your face, etc) and surrounding yourself with people who do care for you this situation will be more bearable.

fancythat Mon 31-Jul-23 16:36:48

I think *notnecessarilywiser" answered well.

I wasnt exactly sure what you meant by
She said I have proven to the family they are not a priority. However, I was the one who cared for my sister who was home on hospice 24/7. I would say I made her my priority then just after her services everyone stopped contacting me. My little sister tells me that I need some guidance.

coco12 Mon 31-Jul-23 16:41:05

Just wondering is there anybody in the family you feel you could ask outright what the situation is? Feel like you need to know where you stand or what exactly the problem is.
Sorry you are going through this too while grieving for your sister.

Hithere Mon 31-Jul-23 17:26:07

There are so many issues interwined here that I am not sure how we can help you - your sister died, your father's abandonment, your low opinion of youngest sister for sure interferes in your relationship with her....

If you don't feel comfortable, don't go to the wedding - that's the tip of the iceberg though

Taking care of your sister and hospice does have a high price - please look into therapy as you seem to need help.

Address one issue and the yarn ball will entangle little by little

VioletSky Mon 31-Jul-23 17:33:29

I would recommend counselling too

Help you to put the pieces of this jigsaw together

If they are pushing you out there is nothing you can do to stop that, you can only get help

But you should also deal with how you feel towards your sister for getting Dad's love when you didn't... She may be a terrible person in her own right but eventually even if you don't forgive, those feelings need to be put down to move on

Allsorts Mon 31-Jul-23 18:15:56

I think looking after your late sister shows you have your priorities right. You also have abandonment issues, that’s not your doing, it’s theirs. Do not go to the wedding if you know you will not be welcomed. I would send a letter saying this and that you feel unwanted, so will stay away. From now on don’t beat yourself up for others selfishness, make a good life for yourself, have you others that. care for you and you care for? . Just because you have family does not mean they have permission to treat you as if you don’t matter, don’t be bullied. Do not accept the unacceptable.

pascal30 Mon 31-Jul-23 20:02:00

It sounds like you were an amazing sister to your older sister and it must be very painful not having your feelings listened to.
I think that, if you can afford it, the best place to share these abandonment feelings is with a therapist. If you think that you won't be welcome at the wedding it might only make this situation worse.. I would try therapy before hoping to resolve these issues with your family..

rmckillip74 Mon 31-Jul-23 22:44:16

That is where I stand and my thoughts are thanks for your input. It is greatly appreciated!

rmckillip74 Mon 31-Jul-23 22:47:54

coco12 no there is nobody I trust enough to speak to about the situation. They will take the conversation and talk behind my back. Then they will act like they are psychologically evaluating me like they are fully capable of it. I am a RN and have been for 20 years and if you do not know there is no way we cannot be mentally incapacitated and work.

Mamasperspective Thu 03-Aug-23 00:19:29

Effort for effort ... do not put all your energy into people that don't want you around.

You are better to create your own family with a close circle of friends and move on from this toxic dynamic.

MercuryQueen Thu 03-Aug-23 07:04:18

First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss.

Next, I wonder what good would come of going to the wedding? You don’t like your sister, you don’t trust her, your father, or extended family. It sounds like a completely miserable situation.

Skip it.